Magic Murder Cube Marine

The Golden Frog was one of those bars where people went to make bad decisions. On a slow night, it was a place for the dregs of society to meet up without being bothered. The booze was cheap, and nobody complained if a bit of business got done in a darkened corner.

It was also a franchise, because finding the balance between disreputable and dangerous was tricky. Nobody liked watered down drinks or dirty toilets. Clients wanted a bit of danger, not diarrhea.

Stonebreaker watched the crowd below, smoking his pipe and nodding slowly to himself. He was a dwarf, but between his massive boots and broad shoulders he looked more like a vaguely square human. The giveaway was his beard, which was adorned with golden beads and trinkets.

Sitting next to him on the couch was a mountain of a man in a Hawaiian shirt. Across from them a human and a hound were fast asleep, curled up together on some cushions.

Stonebreaker wasn't used to dealing with gods directly, much less doing shots with them. But he was quickly warming up to the experience.

“Fucking good crowd in here tonight!” Stonebreaker called out over the din, “There's adventurers aplenty, and coin flowing like a river!”

Francis nodded, “That it is. I appreciate you choosing our fine city for your bar.”

The dwarf played with his beard as he tried to think of a polite way to phrase his next question. Eventually he gave up. “I can't help but think you are trying to bend me over and screw me once things get established. Taxes are so low that I thought it was a typo at first.”

“Most of our money comes from renting out commercial properties like this one,” the Marine explained, “It's easy for a smart fucker like you to dodge income tax. It's a lot harder to skip out on rent.”

“You seem oddly civic minded, for a god.”

Francis sipped his beer and leaned back into the cushions. “I've got a vested interest in seeing Brexis restored. I'm willing to take less now, to get a lot back later.”

Stonebreaker chewed on this new information. He had a feeling that there was more to it than that. “What about those kobold construction crews I see moving through town? Where do they factor in?”

The Marine had seen what happened when governments wrote blank checks to companies for “reconstruction”. He had also lived in on base housing. “Let's just say that I would rather have Hank and his crew do shit right the first time, rather than deal with someone else's fuckups for the next twenty years.”

“Rumor has it that you own the company. That's a lot of fucking coin,” Stonebreaker pointed out.

Francis gave the dwarf a look as if he was sizing him up. “You know how it goes with rumors, they tend to multiply when money is involved. If you want to find out more about Greenscale Construction, I'm sure the revenants have records.”

“And if I were to waste an afternoon with those creepy undead fuckers, what might they tell me?”

“That Greenscale Construction is owned by Kobold Holdings. But who that might be, I really couldn’t say.” The Marine shrugged and poured himself another beer from the pitcher. “I never had much of a head for business. I'm just a grunt who got lucky.”

Stonebreaker raised a bushy eyebrow. “Yeah? If you're just a grunt, then I'm a dancer named ‘Candi’.”

“I've seen weirder things, and you are wearing heels,” Francis pointed out, “You would probably tear it up on a stripper pole.”

“What's a stripper pole?”

The Marine grinned. “If you can find me an artificer and some lengths of metal tubing, I'll show you.”

***

System woke up with his bladder full and a head that felt like it had been stuffed with broken glass. His map told him that he was in a guest house located in the palace gardens. The immediate need to find relief fought with his desire to never move again. Everything hurt, and he knew that somehow it was probably Francis’ fault.

His memories of the night before were hazy. System could recall getting food with Bobby then meeting up with Jack. After that it became a slide show. He had a vague recollection of dancing, or possibly spinning. All he could remember for sure was that the shoes he was wearing at the time were much too tall to be practical.

“Rise and shine!” called out the Marine as he saw his guest start to stir. Behind him were golden skeletons holding trays of food.

“Why are you so loud?” groaned System, clutching his head. He didn't know why Entity had chosen to make hangovers a thing, but he was strongly against them.

Jack yawned and stretched. He sniffed the air a few times before opening his eyes. “Francis, if you didn't have bacon I would throw something at you. I feel like I got hit by a train.”

“Physician, heal thyself!” shouted Francis before he began setting out trays of bacon and eggs.

“I don't think that's how that phrase is supposed to be used,” Jack pointed out as he sat down at the table. System had done a runner for the bathroom.

The Marine made a point of taking a piece of bacon from Jack’s plate and eating it.

“Ok,” Jack said, his hands raised in mock surrender, “Maybe I spoke without thinking.”

Francis replaced the pilfered strip of bacon with one of his own. “No offense taken. I probably am using it wrong. Thanks for pointing it out.”

The two champions had almost finished their breakfast before System came to join them. His face was pale. “Well, that was a horrifying experience. I don't know how you mortals manage.”

Francis laughed. “Wait until you get the MRE shits. I felt like I was losing enamel off the back of my teeth the first time it happened to me.”

“Same!” Jack joined in, making a mock toast with his glass of juice, “Once they didn't get the recipe for our food packs quite right and I... let's just say it wasn't pleasant. I almost threw out my back.”

System started to look a little green around the gills. “Could you not talk about stuff like that when I'm trying to eat? I feel like I was trampled by a horse.”

The Marine made apologetic noises. “Chuck is really sorry about that. He says he didn't see you standing in the road.”

“Which is amazing, considering how much glitter you were wearing.” Jack pointed at System with his fork. “I would think someone could see you from space.”

“Glitter?” System asked, apprehension rising in his voice.

“Oh yeah, sequins too. And there was this pink feather boa. Very fetching.” The hound did a little mock dance in his chair.

Francis nodded. “Stonebreaker said he had never seen anything like it. He asked if you were free tonight for an encore.”

System sighed and softly banged his head on the table. It hurt, but it also helped drown out the stream of memories slowly turning to him. “I'm never drinking again.”

Suddenly he stopped and looked up at Francis in a panic. “Wait, where's Bobby?”

“Bobby?” The Marine frowned. “She must have headed out before we found you. That's why you called us, remember?”

System rubbed his temples. “It's all pretty hazy. The last time I remember seeing her was outside the Adventure Guild.” His face froze in horror as he remembered why they had chosen to visit the guild in the first place. “Oh no.”

“‘Oh no’ what?” Francis asked.

“I think I might have made a huge mistake.”

The Marine raised an eyebrow. “How big of a mistake are we talking here?”