Magic Murder Cube Marine

Calling Hades’ realm the Underworld was a bit of a misnomer. It ran parallel to the Mortal Plane, not beneath it. Other planes required powerful spells or permission from the gods to gain entry. Hades’ realm could be reached by anyone, even by accident. (Especially by accident.)

It was a dark and gloomy place. But Hades liked it that way. It was the land of eternal rest, after all. A blazing sun would be counterproductive. He was trying to lay the dead to rest, not invigorate them.

It wasn't easy being the lord of the underworld. Everyone thought they could do the job better or dismissed him as mindless evil. He was a villain and he had his faults. But he wasn't a total asshole. Hades looked into his scrying pool to see what Francis was up to. (But he had learned his lesson, so he wore full armor and a welding mask.)

“What!” He shouted as he saw Francis with one of his favorite Death Clerics. He tried to influence Willow but the System shut him down. She wasn't his anymore.

He pulled up Francis’ stats and swore. The mortal was already on the path to ascension and Willow was his High Priestess. His patron would be getting a huge boost from that. A boost that should have been his!

Hades decided to trim this loose thread with extreme prejudice. He couldn't kill Francis himself because a mortal on the path to ascension had certain protections. But he could send a champion to do it for him.

Francis was in the Kingdom of Grumble. Hades had a few assets close by. He continued to watch through the pool for a few more minutes, trying to glean any idea of the mortal’s plans.

***

Francis looked up at the sky and narrowed his eyes. He reached for his staff.

“What is it?” Willow asked.

“Goth boy was back. But now he's gone.” The big Marine relaxed and turned his attention to Sir Auldric. “What was that about a reward for saving your ass?”

“I don't remember saying anything about a reward.” Sir Auldric frowned. “And what was that about a ‘goth boy’?”

Francis sized up the knight instead of answering. His newly leveled up language skill was allowing him to start distinguishing between Vahnissian accents. Auldric was probably some kind of posh noble judging from the way he spoke. His nice horse, shiny armor, pale skin, and blond beard fit right in with that assumption.

“Don't change the subject, Sir Fancy pants. What was the bounty on the troll I killed when I got here?” Francis asked. “How much did the Adventure Guild pay you out?”

“I don't know. They pay their gold to my liege.” Auldric tried to navigate back to what happened in the beer garden. “You say these two men insulted your paramour?”

“They called Willow a goat, and she's my High Priestess, not my date.” The Marine put a protective arm around Willow. She leaned in close and gave Auldric a look as if daring him to say anything.

“Ah, a matter of honor.” Sir Auldric nodded. “What's that about a High Priestess?”

“What about it?” Francis asked.

“Well,” Sir Auldric laughed. “I'm not sure how they do things in your homeland of Texis. But a High Priestess is usually the one who leads a god’s followers. I believe the word you want is ‘cleric’. Unless of course you are a god.”

“Hold that thought. Our peeping tom is back.” Francis pointed at the sky with his staff and focused on hitting the pale fucker with the black robe from earlier. A pulse of magic lit up the sky like a spotlight. Willow and Auldric bolted for cover.

Hades' voice echoed down from the heavens and thunder echoed as the sky filled with dark clouds. “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?”

A black bolt of energy shot down from the sky and Francis took the full brunt of it. It auto succeeded and hit him for 1000 points of Magical Damage. He shrugged it off.

“I can do this all day, goth boy!” Francis shook his fist. “Don't make me walk up there and curb stomp your pale little ass! You look like Pete Davidson fucked a corpse!”

“FUCK YOU, FRANCIS!” Hades shouted.

Thunder echoed across the heavens as Francis and Hades exchanged insults and blows. Eventually the dark clouds departed and Francis was left standing in a smoking crater. He reclaimed his tankard of beer and drained it dry.

Sir Auldric turned to Willow. “So, High Priestess. Tell me more about this religion of yours.”

***

Sir Auldric never really had much use for religion. He saw the gods as an “in case of emergency, join hands” kind of thing. He didn't think it was a coincidence Francis had arrived to answer their prayers when the other gods said no.

He considered the facts before him. Francis fell like a star from the sky and destroyed the troll plaguing their lands. Francis had exchanged insults and blows with a god that could only be Hades, and lived. What more proof of divinity could he need?

“So Francis is the god of monogamy?” Auldric asked. The beer garden had turned into an impromptu temple to their foul mouthed deity. It was packed with drunken converts.

“Monogamy, fidelity, loyalty, and horses.” Willow corrected, taking a pull from her tankard.

“I can understand the other three. But why horses?” Auldric asked. He was taking it slow on the beer. But he was still getting a little bit buzzed.

Willow shrugged. “Francis isn't like other gods. He likes horses, they like him. So why not be a god about it? Besides, horses are cool.”

“Ah, I'm beginning to get a feel for how he operates.” Auldric liked Francis, even if he was a bit rough around the edges. He could serve a god like that. Perhaps he would even become a paladin like his mother always wanted. “Lord Kelvin returns later tonight. He will want to meet with Francis in the morning. Do you think you can keep our new deity out of trouble until then?”

Willow looked over at Francis. He was in the process of drinking a group of knights under the table. She liked the way his arm muscles flexed as he lifted the tankard to his lips.

“Oh, I think I can find a way to keep him occupied.” She said.