Magic Murder Cube Marine

Sir Auldric's cousin was, to put it frankly, kind of a tosser. He was also greedy, lazy, and stupid. Unfortunately, that cousin was Lord Kelvin of Riverlark.

He watched in disgust as a servant wiped the remains of breakfast off his cousin's chins. The lord let out a snort like a hog. “So, he thinks he's a god, does he?”

“Yes, and so do I.” Auldric said. In fact, he was considering leaving Lord Kelvin and becoming a paladin. He wasn't sure if his mother would be happy or disappointed with the change. The answer was both, as parents could exist in two states simultaneously. (Only by attending dinner and collapsing the waveform could one know for sure. Johnathan Khan had recently been awarded the Nobel prize for his work on quantum parental disappointment. But unfortunately, not the one for medicine.)

“Oh cousin, you are such a rube.” Lord Kelvin laughed. “Some wizard does a few parlor tricks and you're ready to believe anything he says. I'll be the judge of this man’s so-called ‘godhood’. To think, he even had the audacity to suggest we pay him the bounty.”

“He did kill a troll in one blow.” Auldric pointed out.

“So he says. That was probably just another trick. No doubt he and the monster were working together.” The lord drank down his second goblet of morning wine.

A commotion at the front doors announced Francis’ presence. There was a sound like metal sheets being beaten together, then silence. Two minutes later a knight in very dented plate armor limped into the room.

He pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stop the bleeding. “I present Francis Francis Francis, the god of monogamy, fidelity, loyalty, and horses. He is accompanied by his High Priestess, Willow Wisp.”

“Thanks.” Francis said as he walked into the dining room. “So, Lord Kelvin. About that troll I killed. When can I expect payment?”

Lord Kelvin looked at the two meter tall wizard and sneered. He decided Francis was of giant or ork heritage, and therefore unsuited to magic. The gaudy staff was another indication of Francis’ obvious lack of training. No doubt the half-blood brute had picked it because of the brightly colored ribbons.

“My idiotic cousin may have fallen for your tricks, but I see through them. You? The god of monogamy? What a joke.” Lord Kelvin said.

Willow and Auldric looked to see how Francis would react. The big Marine frowned. “Say again?”

“I was just saying that I see through your tricks-”

“What now?” Francis interrupted, walking up to the sneering lord. “If we're talking about cereal I could go for some Reese's peanut butter puffs. If you were talking shit I'd suggest you call for the waiter and order a nice big warm bowl of shut the fuck up.”

“I say!” Lord Kelvin sputtered. “Auldric, are you going to let him talk to me like this?”

“Yes.” Auldric sat back in his chair. He was enjoying this. He knew Francis wouldn't kill his cousin… probably.

“You're one of my knights. It's your job to protect me!” Lord Kelvin tried to shift in his chair to get away from Francis.

The big Marine sat down on the edge of the table. “If you're what passes for a lord around here, this kingdom is fucked. Now, how much did the AG pay you for killing that troll?”

“Fifty gold pieces!” Lord Kelvin shouted, sweat pouring off his forehead. He wasn't accustomed to dealing with ruffians. “But you can't have them!”

Francis looked over to Auldric. “How does an even split sound? One share for the lord, one share for me, and one share each for those who fought the troll. Double shares to the families of those who died. That sounds about fair to me.”

“I agree. What do you think, cousin?” Auldric asked.

“Fine.” Lord Kelvin caved. “But King Laurence will hear of this.”

“And why should he care?” Francis asked. “I just asked you to pay what was due and you agreed. I helped you out, you helped me out. That's what neighbors do.”

“Neighbors?” Lord Kelvin’s forehead scrunched up. There was only one city close by. Surely he couldn't mean….

The Marine smiled. “Yes, neighbors. I moved into a lovely little place called Brexis when the previous owner no longer had a use for it.”

Willow walked over and leaned in towards Lord Kelvin from the other side of the chair. They had him surrounded now. “Zed the Undead got drunk and passed away. Francis, what would you say he tasted like?”

“Pickle juice.” Francis smiled as he remembered how they met. “Y'all got any more of them liches around here? I have some ideas for drinks, but I'm short on ingredients.”

“You drank a lich?” Auldric asked.

“I was thirsty.” Francis shrugged. “Dumb fuck stuck his soul in a jar labeled pickles, I wanted pickles.”

“That reminds me. We are going to need some help restoring the city.” Willow said. “We will require stone masons, carpenters, and raw materials. Some of the faithful will be able to help, but we need professionals.”

“Fair point.” Francis nodded. “Auldric, can you organize that and I'll bankroll it?”

“Of course, my lord.” Auldric replied, ticking the box and making things official.

Congratulations! You have gained a new follower. Auldric Sulfa the Knight (4) has chosen you as their new god.

They have claimed the vacant position of:

First Paladin.

Francis blinked away the sudden pain in his head from the message. “Welcome to the family.” He said. “Why don't you and Willow put your heads together about Brexis once we're done here? I usually wreck cities, not fix ‘em.”

“Happily.” Auldric looked over at his cousin. “I'm looking forward to the day your heart finally gives out and Lady Kelvin takes over. You're a piece of shit and a waste of space.”

Francis let out a slow clap. “I'm happy to see you found your balls, Auldric. Just promise me if I ever turn into a piece of shit or a waste of space you'll tell me.”

The knight considered this. He liked the idea of serving a lord he could be honest with. “I solemnly swear, on my honor as a paladin, to tell you when you are being a fuck up.”

A light suffused Sir Auldric and he seemed to grow visibly stronger. “Oh wonderful. It seems I've gained a level and finally gotten my subclass.” The newly minted Paladin: Enlightened Truth(5) said.

Auldric frowned. “Ah, it seems that while I could lie, I find the prospect most unpalatable.” He looked over at his cousin again. “You are a terrible lord. But I was lying when I said I wished you harm. I would prefer it much more if you were to take better care of yourself instead of falling into excess.” He sighed happily. “It truly feels like a weight has been lifted. I think I will quite enjoy being a paladin.”

Francis wasn't sure what was going on, but he decided to roll with it. He gave Auldric a thumbs up. But before he could congratulate the paladin, something caught his attention.

“Hey guys.” He pointed out the window towards a gigantic monster far off in the distance. “If the AG paid out fifty gold for a troll, what do you think they'll give us for that Godzilla looking motherfucker?”