Magic Murder Cube Marine

Hank was a very simple person. He liked working on engineering problems, being choked out by people with big muscles, and designing weapons of mass destruction. Technically, he was evil. But only as evil as his bosses.

The kobold wasn't particularly malicious either. Unless of course someone was about to make his job harder, then he got downright spiteful. And the instrument he had chosen to express his unhappiness with Hades' recent activities was the Arcane Annihilator Six Thousand.

It looked like a bizarre combination between an artillery piece and a lightning rod. The long barrel and dual Mana storage tanks gave it an altogether phallic appearance that was not helped by the position of the gunner’s seat. Hank straddled his weapon and pointed it at the sky.

His fellow kobolds took up their positions around him, their army green hard hats looking suspiciously like helmets. “Hey, Willow!” he called out, “Have you ever heard the sound a death god makes when he gets zapped with an Arcane Annihilator?”

The Death Cleric shook her head. She couldn't say that she had.

The kobold grinned and slapped the barrel of his weapon. “Would you like to?”

***

Francis took a second to process the fact that he was being attacked by a zombie rainbow cat with a unicorn horn, then jumped out of the way. The tree behind him exploded into splinters as Zombie Neko drilled through it.

The joyful spirit that had animated her before was gone now. Even her rainbows looked corrupted and sickly. Zombie Astley appeared behind the Marine. His first attack missed, but his second and third etched lines of fire down Francis' back.

The Marine grunted as Zombie Astley’s nails tore into him. Zombification had slowed down the meme gods and weakened them, but they were still gods. He swore and counter-attacked with Relativity.

The evil artifact let go of the crystal ball and straightened its blackened fingers. There was a “Crack!” as Francis pimp slapped Zombie Astley with his staff. Visible welts appeared where the backs of its fingers made contact. Then Francis reversed the motion and bitch slapped his attacker with Relativity’s palm.

The zombie stumbled, shaking its head in confusion. The disrespect of being slapped around, combined with the physical damage, had temporarily staggered it. The Marine prepared to attack again, but Zombie Neko took advantage of the distraction to ram her horn into Francis' back.

Zombie Astley let out a chuckle as it lowered Francis' Deflect by its Tier. The attack became an automatic critical hit, Zombie Neko’s horn driving deep into the Marine’s flesh.

Francis called out in pain and teleported away to get some distance between them. Blood leaked freely from the wound that had taken a third of his health.

The zombie gods were acting as a team. When one attacked, the other would weaken his defenses to maximize the damage. He needed to focus fire and take one of them out as soon as possible to prevent that from happening again.

Francis summoned a Divine Weapon and prayed to the Murder Cube for something good. An ugly fat green tube half a meter long spawned in his hands. He pointed it at the rapidly approaching zombies and pulled the trigger.

***

It takes a very special kind of person to fire an unknown weapon at their attackers. Especially if that weapon is labeled in German.

The Handflammpatrone Cartridge Launcher bucked in Francis' hand and sent a small grenade flying towards Zombie Neko. It beaned her in the skull, but didn't explode. Instead, the projectile burst into flames, scattering burning phosphorus across the two zombies.

The single shot device disappeared, but the undead continued to burn. They also kept advancing. Francis circled around them, trying to avoid being flanked by flaming zombies. What followed was a slap happy game of whack-a-mole.

Whenever one of the undead got too close Francis would smack them with Relativity. He needed to conserve resources, so spells were out. The Marine expected Hades to reappear at any moment, fully healed and ready to cause trouble. But the death god was curiously absent.

I wonder what that bastard is up to…

***

Hades was running for his life as Stompy chased him through the underworld. The buffs his dark kingdom gave him were essentially nullified by the fact that his champion also got them. A rising tide raises all ships.

“IT'S PLAYTIME!” roared the Titan as it pursued Hades, bashing through thick stone pillars like they were nothing.

The god of death was sick of being betrayed. Persephone had plotted behind his back with Zeus, and now his favorite champion was trying to kill him. Hades was beginning to regret spending so many resources on upgrading Stompy.

The Chthonic Titan of Devastation tore through the underworld’s defenses and chewed up any lesser beast that got in his way. “I'M COMING TO GET YOU!” he called out, releasing a burst of energy that removed what remained of Hades' already singed eyebrows.

“That's it!” the god of death shouted, “Stompy, I renounce you as my champion. You are banished from my domain.”

The Titan froze, his lower jaw trembling as the blessings of his deity left him. “What?”

“You heard me, you traitor. Get out.” Hades pointed a finger at the exit portal. He was done screwing around.

Stompy didn't understand what he had done wrong. “But, I just wanted to play. You never play with me.”

The god of death folded his arms across his chest. He liked Stompy, but the Titan had been increasingly hard to control as of late. The simple fact was that Hades couldn't trust him anymore.

Failing to kill Francis in the tower had seemed like an honest mistake, a surprise reversal of the expected outcome. Then Stompy had failed to kill Jack, which seemed improbable. But hounds were notoriously tricky creatures, so Hades had once again assumed ineptitude over malicious intent.

Now he was sure that the Titan’s loyalties were compromised. It was the only explanation for his behavior. Francis had twisted what little there was of Stompy's mind and turned Hades' champion against him.

The Titan looked at his former master without understanding. “What did I do wrong?”

“Just get out,” Hades pointed to the portal again, “I don't have the energy to deal with you now.”

Stompy didn't know what to say, so he left. The sullen Titan stomped off to the portal and disappeared. Hades sat down on a half destroyed couch and screamed with frustration.

Everything was falling apart and he wasn't even sure if it was worth fighting Francis anymore. Zeus had played him for a fool, destroyed three of his cities, and stolen his wife. His best option would be to lay low and rebuild his power. But the defeat stung, and Hades wasn't used to the taste of failure.

He wanted to lash out, to destroy those that had harmed him. Unfortunately, that would leave him open to being stabbed in the back by Zeus. The god of lightning would wait until Francis was defeated, then eliminate Hades. In his weakened state he would be easy pickings for the rival god. But there was more than one way to skin a cat.

The god of the underworld’s eyes went to the Well of Souls, a plan beginning to form. He could think of a few people who would be happy to help him take over Brexis. All he had to do was set them free.