Maniac’s Mayhem: A guide to being a corporate slave

"Don't weep for stupid people. You'll be crying all day."

-- Alexander Anderson.

I finally decided I had enough and closed the text document I had been working on for most of the day. Why are feeling so complicated? I need a helpline. I look up to see Magenta and Bubbles talking and smiling. Yeah, better not; they would be biased. Uh, fuck! I wish I had more friends. Well, I guess Sam is an option. I just have to suffer through her laughing at me for half an hour first. Ugh, fuck it, I type in her number.

“Hey, Evelin, what's up? You never call”, Sam says while picking up the call.

“Well, I have been spending most of the day trying to figure this out, but I can’t, so I thought I would ask for help,” I say.

“I see. Well, I am still at the office with Cierra. Maybe we can help.”

“I'd rather not. It’s about Cierra or, more acutely, my relationship with her.”

“Then I will leave for today. Can you lock up Sam?” I hear Cierra’s voice over the line.

“Yeah, sure, no problem”, Sam says.

“So she was listening in?” I say.

“Yeah, I mean, you finding calls not secure is not without reason.” Sam says while giggling.

“And what if I was calling about stuff related to the purple one?” I hiss at her.

“You won’t be too careful, and even if you were, you would be in so much mortal danger that it did not really matter anymore.”

“Ugh, why do you have to be right?”

“Because I am your best friend. You should know by now that I am always right.”

“Ooh fuck off, you are not always right.” I say in jest, “I mean, you think naked cats are the best type of cat.”

“You are basically a naked cat, and I like hanging out with you. Anyway, what is your problem?”

“Uhm, relationships." I hedge.

“Yeah, no way, I had not figured that out. What part of the relationship is troubling you, doofus?”

“Ooh, right, so since I am all over the place and since I kind of have feelings for both Claire and Cierra, someone suggested to me that I should just date both.”

I want to say that the line went dead after that, with Sam thinking about the options and implications. Instead, the line is filled with laughter. But it only lasts for a short while. Five minutes is a short amount of time, right?

“Evelin darling, did you think that your life was not stressful enough already, so you had to make it even more difficult for yourself?” Sam says, still giggling to herself.

“Right, so you hate the idea then?“

“Well, maybe, I don’t know. I am just worried that you did not think it through properly. You saw an easy solution to a difficult problem. Because it does not make a relationship easier.”

“I wasn’t thinking that at all, just a solution where I feel less confined.”

“Yeah, because you are going to have a lot more free time when you have two girlfriends instead of just one.”

“Then what else should I do?” I ask, a bit more desperate than I would like to admit.

“Sorry, I can’t tell you what to do. Also, it is not really wrong to date multiple people. It's just how do you see this working?”

“I just thought that everyone could date who they liked. I mean, I am interested in both Claire and Cierra, so I would date them both, and if I start liking someone else as well, I might date them too.”

“I see that sounds nice in theory, but I'm not sure about practice. By the way, who is Claire?”

“She is the girl that likes to blow bubbles.”

“Right, okay, and have you talked about it with her yet?”

“I have! Kind of. It’s something that we might want to continue talking about, but I got the basic points across.”

“And she was okay with it all?”

“It was kind of her idea; she has someone else she likes as well. Honestly, I'm not all that sure what their relationship is like, but I think she benefits as much as I do from this arrangement.”

“I see. That is good, I guess; you don’t feel jealous or anything?”

“Not really; if she is happy, should I not be happy as well? I mean, we can still spend time together, right? And we have both busy lives, and there is the other thing as well.”

“Other thing?”

“Death, what we do is not particularly a safe occupation.”

“so what? They are going to be okay with you zeroing out, just because they have a replacement.” Sam says, sounding rather pissed off.

“No, of course not, but you know it is easier to grieve when you have someone there for you.”

“I guess I kind of forgot that samurai tend to die. Are you afraid of dying?”

“No, I am afraid of being the only one that lives.” I say in a grave tone.

“Well, I'll be upset if you die. Thought you should know that.” Sam says. “What was the original question again?”

“Right, yeah, let's not worry about our mortality just yet.”

“Mortality? Bitch, as long as you don’t bite the dust, you can be immortal, I am pretty sure.”

“We will be immortal”, I corrected Sam. “But yeah, the question was, how do I convince Cierra to have a more open relationship?”

“I think convincing her into one is not the issue; making sure that she is actually happy with it is the difficult part.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, confused.

“Well, she likes you a lot, almost obsessively, if you ask me. So getting her into a relationship like that is not hard, because I believe she would do a lot to get back with you. The question is if she would be happy like that.”

“I see. Do you think she wants something more exclusive?”

“I don’t know what she wants. You know her better than me, but I would imagine so.”

“You might have a point, I guess, fuck, need to do more thinking on this.”

“You do that; I'll lock up here. See you tonight at the barbecue, right?”

“Yeah, see you then.”

“Then we can continue this talk there, okay?”

I hang up and release a big sigh. How I wish life was easy, or at least not as complicated as it is now. But Sam has a point, and I would rather not repeat the bathroom scene again. Maybe some kind of rules or time slot system is necessary.

‘Lyssa, got any bright ideas?’

No

‘what do you mean, no? Aren’t you supposed to be really smart or something?’

Yes, Lyssa has a lot of processing power. Lyssa still does not, however, understand the human need for intimacy.

‘wait, you don’t? I thought you were really advanced, with processes that could simulate human relationships and such.’

Lyssa has those, yes, but the person Lyssa's personality is based upon does not understand it either. New shiny sword, however, is something Lyssa does understand.

I start laughing hard at that. ‘Well, any new swords you want me to get.’

Lyssa has about 20, but getting your skeleton replaced takes priority.

‘makes sense, so what are you thinking? Anything fun or just the sensor thing?’

Lyssa would like to add the strength resistance and sensors we talked about before. We need some room for the biological replacement process, but that still leaves us with enough space for some extra additions. Anything you would like?

I start thinking about it for a bit, but it is kind of hard to come up with things on the spot. Maybe some low-power version of my hammer in my arm so I can punch better? Flexibility is always nice as well?’

Those are all possible options. Flexibility was kind of a given, and so was high-speed connectivity.

‘high-speed connectivity?’

There will be a lot of wiring in the skeleton, making your cybernetics react within nanoseconds. It can also work as a secondary nerve system in a crisis, Enhancing your reaction time.

‘That is neat. Honestly, I can’t think of anything else except making it more space. Do you have any suggestions?’

We can put in a small generator that can provide emergency power to your augments. Lyssa can also put in memory modules, some system board and a few CPUs to create a small server.

‘So I get the power supply thing. That is good, especially if I am really up in space. But why would I need a small server in my skeleton?’

There are numerous possibilities, but Lyssa thinks this is a good upgrade for your brain's limited capability.

‘Uhm, how about using the server as a second brain to store excess information?’

Lyssa would create a construct of your psyche, and put that on the server, and let it interface directly with your brain. In simple terms, it would basically be an extra you that is always online.

‘won’t the other me just be a different person?’

No, the online construct would still link directly to your brain. It would feel more like you have two bodies than a clone of you. But it should drastically enhance your parallel processing power.

‘I see. How much would this cost me?’

More than you have right now, and your body is still not teleport-ready. But Lyssa thinks it is better to put in those upgrades now than later.

‘I will take your word for it. It's still impressive that the protectors can shrink it down to the size of my skeleton.’

They can’t, or not with your current catalogues at least. It would just be an emergency measure if you were to lose connection with the bigger server that would be needed to run optimally.

‘and why would I go off-grid?’

You wanted to be space-proof.

I guess she had a point there. Lyssa and I spent some more time discussing optimising memory capacity against speed and durability. Power consumption is also a problem so battery cells have to be added as well. And a whole other host of different side systems. Making this whole process feel less exciting, and more like building the world's most annoying puzzle. Sadly, spatial compression is not an option, because it has a chance to get messed up when I get my teleporting ability.

Honestly, why I don’t let Lyssa handle everything is beyond me. She has not made a wrong purchase yet; then again, I won’t know what everything does or what we are working on. I mean, I am only like two things away from real teleportation. So that is exciting. Sadly, I am still short on the points needed to get it right now. But with the skeleton, I would technically just need the warp engine and a program to use it properly.

Suddenly, I felt two arms wrapped around me from the back, and they hugged me tight. My swarm of wasps quickly inform me that it is Bubbles, so I relax into the embrace for a bit.

“Are you okay?” Bubbles asks me. “You have been brooding to yourself all day.”

“There is a lot of stuff that needs to get done,” I say with a heavy sigh. “I need to talk to Cierra, look at upgrades, make sure the world does not burn down, and come up with a solid plan to take down New Hope,” I say, admitting to myself that a secondary brain is not a bad idea.

“Well, only one of those seems to require your attention right now, and I am pretty sure I can make sure the world does not burn down for the both of us. So relax and have some fun. It is not like you to worry so much. These things don’t need to be solved today, so stop acting like they do.”

“Has it really been that bad?”

“Well, kind of. Technically, we have started dating, and you have been ignoring me for the entire day. Should we not get to know each other better, hold hands or something.”

“Ahh fuck! You are right.” I say, as I turn around. “I will be better. Please forgive me.”

“It's not that bad.” she says with a giggle. "And it is nice that you are thoughtful about stuff, but I would just like to chat. You are on vacation, after all.”