My Ex-Girlfriend Regrets Dumping Me

12 – Ticking Time Bomb (2)

“…Ha.”

She couldn’t believe it and a bitter smile escaped from her.

To think that she would die. Now that I’m only 22, I’m a ticking time bomb.

The words felt unreal to Ha-yeon, and her head started throbbing in pain.”

I don’t remember at all how I got out of the hospital.

The attending doctor kept on saying something, but she could hardly hear anything.

“… Home.”

I do not know how I got back.

Unconscious, I took a bus and walked and found myself in front of my house.

Hayan didn’t have the strength to walk anymore.

In fact, she hadn’t done anything tiring, but she just wanted to rest.

She casually took off her shoes and headed straight to the bedroom.

ㅡ Phew

She collapsed on the soft bed mattress.

Silence flowed.

The room was so quiet that it seemed chilly.

Even the noisy roads nearby were quiet today.

So Hayan could only get lost in her thoughts alone.

“… Did I die?”

“Ahahahaha … There’s no way… There’s no way. At most, I’ll be out for a year, right? Don’t lie!”

She felt like she would really go crazy if she didn’t mutter to herself.

Hayan yelled alone and knocked the bed mattress with her fist.

She threw the pillow on the floor and banged the wall recklessly.

“Why do I have to die? What did I do wrong? … Why… sniff… sob.”

She didn’t want to admit it.

Hayan knew it herself.

That nothing would change by doing this.

She just needed a place to vent.

Hayan continued to act out until she was exhausted.

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Her strength ran out and her body remained on the bed.

After a while, my head cooled down to the point of feeling even colder than before, despite my fever rising.

– The cost of cancer treatment…

When I recalled the cost of cancer treatment that the doctor had mentioned, I didn’t have the thought of volunteering.

It was obvious that it would become a burden for my aunt.

Ha-yeon was feeling a great sense of indebtedness towards her aunt.

Even though she wasn’t her own child, her aunt had raised her as if she were.

“Should I ask my aunt to cover the cost of cancer treatment, along with my medical expenses?”

Even thinking about it felt like a awful thing to do.

Her aunt worked for a large company, so perhaps it wasn’t impossible.

No, maybe her aunt would readily agree without hesitation.

Asking her aunt for help became even more difficult for Ha-yeon.

“Maybe just living six more months and dying is also a solution.”

Receiving treatment would only grant her a six-month extension of life, at best.

Pancreatic cancer was one of the most unlikely cancers to survive.

The doctor had mentioned that depending on the patient’s willpower and the treatment approach, there were cases of miraculous recoveries.

If the size of the tumor decreased, surgery would become possible, and perhaps a complete recovery could be possible.

But Ha-yeon knew better.

“…That’s nothing but torture of hope.”

It was similar to what her private tutor had said when he started teaching her in her third year of high school, telling her that she could get into Seoul National University.

It wasn’t entirely impossible, but honestly, it was almost impossible.

Was it right to make her aunt suffer for that small glimmer of hope?

While Ha-yeon was contemplating about it,

“Ziing.”

Her phone vibrated in her pants pocket.

Instinctively, she took out her phone and checked the message.

“Ha-yeon, let’s go on a date tomorrow?”

“I found a cozy cafe near the university.”

It was a message from Geon-yul.

Upon reading that message, her hand holding the phone trembled uncontrollably.

He had attached review photos and ratings to make it easier for her to understand.

Ha-yeon learned that Gun-yul was the ideal boyfriend as perceived by women. He was someone everyone would envy.

It was not just about his appearance, but his self-love.

Even though they had been dating for five years, Gun-yul’s affection for Ha-yeon never wavered.

He consistently made efforts for Ha-yeon, and while Ha-yeon appreciated Gun-yul’s diligent personality, she also knew it was because of his deep love for himself.

“… How… how should I say this?”

When tears she thought had dried up started flowing again, Ha-yeon buried her face in the pillow.

She wanted to call him immediately and pour out her feelings.

This endlessly despairing and suffocating emotion.

“… I can’t… I absolutely can’t…”

She had no idea how to express herself.

As someone who knew how much Gun-yul cherished her, Ha-yeon couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“Yul-ah… Yul-ah… Sniff…”

In the end, Ha-yeon could only bury her face in the pillow again, crying like a child, unable to respond.

*

Two weeks had passed since receiving the terminal diagnosis.

Ha-yeon still hadn’t confided in anyone about her illness.

Not even to her closest aunt or Gun-yul.

Perhaps Gun-yul didn’t realize she had become strange.

Because during the date when she tried to act normal, Ha-yeon couldn’t control her emotions.

Was it because she grew up without parents?

Ha-yeon had always been independent, and she had trouble expressing her true feelings outwardly.

Especially if it was something difficult, she would always keep it inside.

Just because the day of her death was approaching didn’t mean it would change easily.

“Yul-ah, I’ll visit my aunt’s house for a while. I won’t be home this weekend.”

Ha-yeon left a message for Gun-yul and hastily left for her hometown over the weekend.

She hadn’t been working part-time for a long time, and going to school felt pointless.

Because she wondered what was the point of living when she would die soon.

And Ha-yeon still couldn’t gather her thoughts on what to do next.

So going down to my hometown was, in a way, an opportunity to sort out my feelings.

Because I wanted to go to the mortuary where my mother is and pour out my thoughts and rely on her.

At least with my mother, it seemed like I could talk about my worries.

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On the day she visited, the inside of the mortuary was quiet.

“Mom. Have you been well? I came out.”

Hayan looked blankly beyond the glass containing her mother’s ashes.

Her mother in the picture was smiling at her, no different from ten years ago.

There was no one to answer, but Hayan confessed her own story as she looked at her mother’s picture.

It was what had happened while she had not come to the mortuary.

Stories of going to play with Geonyul and Bada, of being surprised at improved school grades, of struggling at a part-time job, etc.

She easily talked about everyday stories that meant nothing.

And when the superficial story was over, Hayan finally spoke what she really wanted to say.

“Mom…you see…I’m dying. Within a year now.”

It was a story she already knew, but when she once again said it aloud, despair rushed in.

An emotion almost choked her and tears kept streaming little by little.

“Mom…what should I do now?”

“Why…why…why is the world so cruel to me? It just can’t take away happiness from me if I get a little happy… why!”

As if it were some kind of divine prank.

When Hayan was just about to be happy, the deity took something away from her.

First it was her parents, and now even her life.

“I am so unfair…Mom! Me too…”

Hayan cried until her legs gave out.

Then she knelt in front of her mother’s urn and sobbed.

She covered her face and sobbed, and even beside her she could hear someone else crying.

“Jiyeon… Jiyeon-ah…Why did you leave me alone and go first! We were supposed to be together forever. Us…sob.”

As if it were contagious, a man who was staring blankly at a coffin near her was also crying.

It was a photo of a young and beautiful woman.

He called out the name Yeon and sobbed while pulling out the photo and hugging it tightly.

“…Ah.”

The man didn’t look very old either.

Listening to his murmurs, it seemed that he had probably left his girlfriend.

While watching the man pounding on his chest in frustration, Ha-yeon somehow thought of Geon-yul.

Would Geon-yul feel this much pain when I die?

“Ugh… Yeon-a… I’m sorry. I couldn’t take better care of you, I’m sorry…”

The more she saw him like that, the more scared she became.

The memories of a funeral were still vivid in Ha-yeon’s mind.

She knew better than anyone the pain of losing someone, the pain of losing a loved one.

It was an unbearable pain that tore at her heart and couldn’t be put into words.

To the point where she wished she could die instead.

…Should I burden Geon-yul with that pain?

Anyway, Geon-yul had left for the military in less than two months.

If he knew that she would die inside, could he still leave for the military?

No, it doesn’t matter about the military; could he continue living a normal life?

“…I might be happier if he didn’t know.”

When Geon-yul comes back from the military, she would no longer exist.

Even if it takes a long time, she will die within a year.

Maybe it would be better if she disappeared from the world as if she died.

No, what if she separated from Geon-yul and disappeared from the world?

Wouldn’t that be a far better start, and a better life for him?

Wouldn’t it be the last gift she could give him?

She could endure the pain of separation for a while, but at least she wouldn’t have to experience the agony of letting go of someone she loves.

It would only be a moment of receiving some hate.

And anyway, she would disappear from the world as it is.

Ha-yeon’s thoughts were drifting more and more in that direction.

…It was a little later when she realized that it was the biggest mistake she had made.