Out of the Woods

(CW: Slurs, Dysphoric description, depictions of emotional abuse, body image issues)

October 29, 2022

Leigh

“Come in.” Two women spoke in tandem. I entered Aunt Béa’s office with hope in my heart. She said that I’d get an update on the Topher decision, and ever since, I felt a deep-welled anxiety in my chest. My brother was the only family left, in my eyes. Mum and Dad had divorced, and Dad had died, but both had long since disowned my brother and I.

I knew how Topher was doing; he was a mildly successful drummer in a rock band. He made ends meet well enough going from venue to venue. His life… seemed happy for once. He had a relationship with a nice man in his mid-late 20s whom he lived with, and the two of them had a couple of cats that they fed in Reading.

It was a good life. I was glad. After what I had done, after what my parents had done to him throughout his childhood, what accelerated after he came out as gay. What I learned after I went away for good. I wondered what he felt about me. Maybe he’d eventually have a song made about his life.

I breathed in, breathed out. Closed the door behind me. Looked at Aunt Béa, who sat up straight, shoulders back, perfect posture as always. Tante Valérie, on the other hand, sat by her side in an empty chair, slightly slouched, nursing a small cup of what was likely espresso. Their faces revealed nothing but the tenderness of two middle-aged women, making up for three decades of separation with the time they had left, effectively mother figures to nearly a hundred women spread around southern England.

“Sit down.” Tante Valérie, who would not accept any other title, pronounced correctly by every girl who passed through this Hall, held a much kinder air. Her warm smile accentuated the lines around it, while her gaze held a loving sternness. I followed her command, coming to rest in the comfortable red chair that every Dorley girl got used to sitting in when speaking to the two of them.

“Good morning Aunt Béa. Tante Valérie.” I did my best trying to pronounce it. Even after a few years, it still felt difficult sometimes, especially when my mind was on other things. “Ashleigh.”

Tante Valérie nodded, acknowledging me. “Bonjour. Tu as l’air d’avoir passé une bonne nuit.”

“That’s optimistic,” I replied. Tante Valérie’s sarcasm was palpable. I knew zero French, but I at least knew the informal greetings that she gave to the girls in the Hall.

“It happens, Leigh. Would you like some coffee?”

“I’ll take a small cup.”

Tante Valérie got up to make some while Aunt Béa continued to hold her gaze at me. “Leigh,” she started. “You understand why you are here today.”

“Yes,” I replied. “I want to see if moving forward on trying to reunite with Topher is possible.”

“That is the ultimate goal,” Aunt Béa said. “But, more importantly, your New Personal History is a large part of the discussion. Even with your asserted willingness to stay an extra year in order to sort out your affairs before beginning college again, we have still done the legwork necessary to make sure that you legally exist, and are a legal continuity of who you were before. There are some complications we have to make sure of, however, before we move forward.”

“Such as?” Tante Valérie placed down a large cup of coffee in front of me, and I nodded in thanks, as she placed yet another steaming cup by herself.

“You were previously a student at Saints. You have already agreed about changing to a Law degree, so you will be able to start that without delay next fall.” Aunt Bea tapped her fingers on the wooden table. I felt the anxiety course through me, the desire to hear a yes or a no becoming even more palpable. “Additionally, there is the fact that, to your local newspapers, you were presumed dead for a while. It is likely that your remaining family still considers you dead.

“What would you need me to do, Aunt Béa? Tante Valérie?” I decided to push the point, unwilling to wait much longer. “I don’t want to leave my brother alone anymore. I don’t want to be keeping myself from him any longer.”

“Most Dorley girls never do see their family again, even if they wanted to,” Tante Valérie spoke up. I saw the pain in her eyes, even if her face did not even begin to show it. “Abigail, Stéphanie, Indira. Very few cases get to such a place, and each one has shown exceptional dedication to this programme that has, for better or worse, brought us together.”

“And I do not believe that you have shown anything less,” Aunt Béa added, her neutral gaze melting with the warmth she kept underneath. “We simply remain concerned with the goings of the programme. I do not think that you revealing yourself to your brother will cause any problems. But we cannot be too sure. The fact that you had also already chosen a transgender NPH is important to this discussion, too.”

“I… wonder if he would even care,” I said, rubbing my right arm awkwardly around the elbow. “I know his file said that he had publicly expressed sorrow over my disappearance, even after all I did to him, but… how would he react to knowing that his older sibling had just… disappeared like that, and never thought to speak to him over all these years.”

“I think your worries are normal,” Tante Valérie said. “Years of longing, I know all too well. You never quite get used to it. Drink some coffee. I think the warmth would help you relax, and it will only get colder if you wait longer to enjoy it.”

I obliged the request, taking a warm drag of coffee, letting its bitterness wash over my tongue, giving way to notes of fruits and spices. I shuddered, letting the warmth cascade through me, cutting through the coolness of the room. “Am I making things too difficult, Aunt Béa?”

“No. We are here, meaning all of us, including every sister in this Hall, if things ever become difficult for any of you. And this is not something you should feel bad about doing. You care for your younger brother, and that is admirable. You also care about hurting him.” Aunt Béa smiled. “You have a luxury that some of the girls in the Hall might kill for: A family member that you have such faith in to accept you that you are willing to take the risk.”

I remembered the pride that I felt in adding information to the PTA file about my brother performing at a pride festival in Brighton on a small stage, wearing a trans flag like a cape around his neck as he sang to the audience. I’ve never had the opportunity to see a performance, but it would make my entire year just to see the sort of man he’s become in person.

“I miss Christopher. I want to apologize to him for everything I did to him. Even if I never got to see him again afterwards. Even if he hated me for what I did.”

“That’s a very normal feeling. You want him to love you. You want him to stay in your life.” It was Tante Valérie’s turn. Her gaze narrowed, her eyes furrowed. I saw her face go from a look of horror, to a pained gaze, to a heavy sigh and a determined stare. “This is a life-altering decision. It may still be quite a while until you can see him again. But you will see him again if you choose to. The world is far kinder now than it was in our day.” I thought of what she had told the Sponsors, told the hall. I also thought about what Diana had experienced in her time at Stenordale, the horrors that she had to watch over and over again, and what made her into the woman we knew now. In comparison, this seemed like the easiest task in the world.

Tante Valérie took a long sip of coffee, and I watched her shudder. “But you still must be careful. The safety of the Hall is always the first priority. If we figure out that this would be too risky of a venture, we will repeal the privilege of first contact.”

“I understand and agree.” I looked away, a tad despondent, reminded of the gravity of security for Dorley Hall. After Abby’s unauthorized, albeit wildly successful, reunion with her family, coupled with the increased security capabilities that came from the combination of Christine; Maia, and a general crackdown on information transfer by the PMCs, it immediately became much more fraught for a Dorley girl to seek out their PTAs without express approval. “We do all this because we care, Leigh,” Aunt Béa replied. “There is a growing network of women that all rely on each other and on the resources of this Hall. You know this quite well.”

“I do.”

“Then you also understand,” Tante Valérie interjected. “That we are deeply excited for you to see your little brother again. You have shown an unending love for him, and an unyielding care for everyone around you. It’s why we’re more than happy to oblige your request.”

“Thank you, Tante Valérie, Aunt Béa.”

“You could do with a bit more work on your pronunciation of the accents, but it’s altogether very passable and feminine, Ashleigh.”

“I… um, I have one more request.”

“Hmm?”

“It’s Jace’s birthday in a couple weeks. Might I be allowed to provide them with a slice of cake for their birthday?” I stumbled over my words. It was often against procedure, especially this early, to ply our intakes, but rules were made to be bent. Especially for someone like them.

“You girls have rewarded good behavior with things like sweets and candy before. I don’t see why not, if Jace keeps progressing properly. But I think celebrating the boys’ birthdays throughout the intake is not a bad idea this year.” Aunt Béa gestured to the outside, where the sun was beginning to beat down on a cool late October day. “Find out what he needs. For some, it was just to see the warm sun beat down on their face again. For others, it was a letter to their little sister, or outlets for their frustration…” She shot her glance knowingly towards me. “...Or simply the kindness to know that they could face the changes that were coming to their life. You girls call them levers.”

I noticed Tante Valérie got up to leave the room, holding her second cup. She placed a small kiss on Aunt Béa’s cheek and grabbed her cup before we remained silent to allow her to leave. The door closed with a small sound from the air escaping from the gap, and we were left in an awkward silence.

“Do you think… we could get them an instrument to pass the time?” I finally asked after a few seconds.

“I think that can wait until they’re above ground. They have a powerful instrument down there already.” Aunt Béa motioned to her throat, sliding her finger up and down its length.

“Then… could we, well, get some books for them to practice?”

“There’s a lot of videos on the internet, no? If they ask for books, I won’t decline the offer, but I think they could get by training their voice with the same things the girls do. It’s trivial to get some of that information from the web.”

“…you’re right, there.”

“Now, Leigh, you’re doing well. Don’t overthink it, and keep moving forward. You have a little while until your next check in. You’re going through the later stages of voice training, and you might be well-served in helping Jace through it all when he gets to that point.” Aunt Béa pointed to the door. “Now, go. It may still be early, but today is the day for Jace. I recommend that you prepare yourself for how they may react to it.” Aunt Béa sighed. “It’s never easy for your first intake.”

“Alright, Aunt Béa.”

---

Jace

This is the day that Leigh referenced a couple times before. Where I’d get a ‘vitamin jab’, of some sort. She didn’t specify what vitamins, just asked me to trust her. I sighed, sitting up in my bed. Collected myself, wrapped the thin blanket around my small form to keep warm. I hadn’t showered yet. Hadn’t gotten dressed. Barely even slept the night before. Just sat there on my bed in a gray t-shirt and boxers, my ever longer, wild hair spread out down my head and towards the middle of my neck.

The itchiness I had felt on my lower stomach had begun to subside in the past few days. It was a relief. Maybe I had gotten used to the air down here; it wouldn’t be the first time I had to get used to some new town and it sent my body into overdrive. My head still spun though, with anticipation, with anxiety, of what would be coming for me. With the distractions I was so used to a couple weeks behind me, it felt uncomfortable how much more of life I was taking in. I could still distract myself–they gave me ample abilities to do so–but there was just no point. I thought I would be gone by now. Making a change would be ideal for me.

I finally swung my body back, then forward, and hopped out of bed. I walked up to the mirror, looked at my reflection. Same old Jace. I took off my shirt to put on some body lotion to prevent my skin cracking and bleeding like it had for some years when it started to get cold. If it was a fresh start, I was going to get ahead of it. The air stung on my body, and I shivered at its cool touch. For once, I was left in just my boxers in my own sight. I endeavored not to be naked in front of a mirror, but I could stand being shirtless long enough to handle daily maintenance. I pumped a small dose of moisturizing lotion on my left palm, squeezed it between my hands to get it all over it, and then started the process of giving my skin some moisture. I wouldn’t be showering for a bit, so perhaps it would have enough time to settle in before I got started. Before they came in and did whatever it was they’d do.

I saw, through a sideward glance, how… small I was. As I glided my hands across my stomach, I felt the roughness of my skin, the bumps of body hair that would inevitably get the razor taken to them again that day in the shower. I sighed, knowing they were facts of life. They were just me. All of it. Up to my chest. Body hair. Body hair. Body hair. Then it stopped right at the collar bone, and it felt almost nice again for the briefest moment before my hands reached the underside of the neck.

I made quick work of the arms, doled out a serving for my elbows, and stopped. I grabbed the shirt and put it back on. Nobody wanted to see that, least of all me. But I know that they did. I looked up at the camera, gave it a little wave as the light changed colors.

“Good morning, Jace.” The intercom crackled, spooking me for a moment.

“Could we get… whatever this is over with? I’ve been up all damn night waitin’ for it.”

“It’ll be another 30 minutes. Why don’t you shower and get dressed for the day?” It spoke again. Apparently, there are still girls I’m yet to meet. “We’ll send someone down to take you.”

“Alright, I guess,” I replied, before the intercom went off. I lazily gathered my shower bag, and then another change of the same clothes.

Before I could get to the door, I heard a knock and a girl call calmly, “Hey, Jace, Tyler, you’re up early today. Need you in the shower before we get started.” before a second girl shouted what I assumed was something similar at another door, which presumably belonged to the tall boy. “I’m ready, whoever you are,” I replied, and the door opened.

Oh. It was Leigh’s sweetheart. And Tyler was accompanied by who else but Miss Bethany.

“Let’s get going, Jace,” Mary said simply, her unflappable smile almost taunting me with its cheer. “Alright…”

I followed behind Mary, as Bethany walked between me and Tyler.

“How’s the day so far, Jace?” Tyler asked, seemingly unfazed by whatever was coming for the two of us.

“Haven’t slept for shit, Ty. Too anxious.” I wanted to stretch my shoulders, but I was carrying items in both arms. “Wanting to get this over with so I can try to nap.”

“I understand,” he replied. “I’m curious what this vitamin jab entails, all things considered. None of the others would really say anything substantial about it.”

“Keep moving, Tyler,” Bethany replied, and I noticed that the taser never seemed to leave her hand at any moment she was around her boy. “We’re not here to talk this morning. You can do that at breakfast.”

“Alright, alright.”

The shower trip was uneventful and silent. Unlike last time, I waited with intent to let Tyler finish before me. I stood underneath the water, letting it rush over me, letting its warmth caress me for a while in a way that had been hard to come by for years. I inhaled the steam, clearing out the pit that formed in my stomach as well as my sinuses. Once Tyler had left, Bethany berating him as usual, I cleaned off as necessary. Shampoo, lather, rinse, soap, lather, rinse, conditioner, lather, rinse. It was mechanical. No matter how far down I got in my feelings, I always made sure to clean off. If I couldn’t take care of the inside, I knew I could at least take care of the outside. It’s what most people cared about, anyway.

Why’d they think I was worth saving? Why me, specifically? Couldn’t they have taken in some other special case, or maybe even another person like Ritchie? Like Christian or Jacob? Maybe my spot would have been better served with another one of them. On top of that, Tyler doesn’t seem like he did anything to deserve this. I sighed. I promised that I would just trust Leigh, but the more that seeks to reveal itself, the harder and harder it comes to just… trust them.

A solid 20 minutes later, well after Tyler had already left, I finally decided to leave the shower. I grabbed the cold towel from off the rack and ran it around my body, cleaning myself off as much as possible. The air seemed colder in the showers than usual; my goosebumps bristled, hair raising. It felt as if my soul was vibrating within me, moving in and out of my skin, as I adjusted to the cold. I wrapped the towel around me once I felt sufficiently dry, covering my chest and crotch, to get my clothes. I then jumped back behind the curtain. Boxers, trousers…

Shit. I dropped the shirt in the shower. When I picked it up, I noticed that it was already soaked in the back. Deeply uncomfortable to me if I decided to try wearing it again, and inadvisable even inside. I sighed, balled it up, and tossed it back outside. I wrapped the towel around my chest, tied it shut, and left the shower. After kicking the shirt back up to catching height with my hands, I walked outside.

“Why didn’t you put your shirt on, Jace?” Leigh asked me after I got outside.

“Fell in the shower when I tried to put it on,” I replied, breaking a long silence. “Didn’t want to put it on like that.”

“Fair enough. Come on, Rabia’s gonna finish up with Tyler in a little bit and I want you ready when she and Olivia arrive, okay?”

I nodded along, followed Leigh along. It was hard to focus on anything else. If she would get this over with more quickly, then I could breathe. I could move on. I could know how this feels like.

As we got to my door, I heard inaudible conversation from behind Tyler’s door, diagonal to mine. They seemed heated, but impossible to understand. Leigh got my attention with a tap on the shoulder, and she tilted her head down far and smiled down at me as she unlocked my door. The two of us walked inside my room, I grabbed a fresh shirt, removed my towel, and put it on, and I sat down.

“Nervous about it?” She broke another silence. “You’re gonna be okay. This is to help you, stuff like vitamins. You’ve been away from the sun for a couple of weeks. We don’t want you to get sick.”

“I guess that makes enough sense.” I couldn’t fault that logic. Some of those boys had been down here for a month at this point. I’d been here somewhere in the realm of a couple of weeks, and it was making me more tired. Less willing to eat. Yet… I felt supported. It was tenuous support, but it was support nonetheless. “I… did decide to trust you, somewhat. I know that you’re keeping secrets. But as long as you’re honest that there are secrets, I don’t think I mind that too much.”

“I appreciate your patience.” Leigh moved over to my computer. “Would you like to listen to music while we wait?”

I nodded.

“Do you want to listen to anything in particular?” I shook my head. I was just tired, and anything to focus on would be better than the indoor silence I was met with all night, only truncated by sounds whirring above my head of who knows what.

“Alright. I’m just gonna put on a new album that I’ve found I like, if that’s okay. This normally isn’t my style, but… I think you might enjoy it.”

I gave her a thumbs up, and the flamboyant, synthy sounds of Harry Styles started to play through the speaker. For 20 minutes, we sat there, me on one side, eyes closed, flowing along with the music as a way to keep myself from flying either to the world of dreams or down into the chasms of anxiety. I had to admit, the opening track was enjoyable, but not my personal cup of tea. I knew he was a member of One Direction, but… I was in a fucking basement in England. Who the fuck would know I indulged in a bit of ‘girly’ music?

Besides, I had heard “As It Was” on indie radio already. That one was a nice little bop. He might have even crossed over from ‘teenage heartthrob’ to ‘respected pop artist’, and maybe that made it more okay. But by the time we got to the seventh track, I definitely had my rankings of the first six. I was surprised by the second track most of all, the megahit aside. The second track, whose name escaped me, had me rolling my shoulders with its beat. But when the seventh track came on… I filed that one away in my mind. I wanted the lyrics of that one. I wanted its name. I wanted to learn it. I could tell, even if I would still likely need another play or two of the song to fully capture its meaning… I'd need to know more about it.

It was a lot softer than the others. An odd-sounding guitar strummed as Harry’s voice came into the track. It was Harry’s hushed voice almost consoling the listener, whom he called “Matilda” in the second verse. Like that little movie starring Mara Wilson from the 90s. I'd seen it on ABC Family once or twice. But here, it was the faceless girl Harry was making sure knew she could move on from her old life and make a new one.

You don’t have to be sorry for doing it on your own.

As it faded out, and before I could ask for her to repeat it, someone knocked on the door. Leigh quickly jumped to the computer to pause the album before the next song could get anywhere. “Come in, Rabia!”

I opened my eyes and turned towards the door to see Rabia and Olivia wheeling a cart into the room. They stopped it on its side, Olivia moving on one side and Rabia moving to the other. I could barely see Rabia from behind Olivia, who seemed to be in the process of doing whatever she was doing before. I shifted towards the back of the wall, resting against the wall, my bottom on my pillow. I felt bile shifting up in me, my deep discomfort with whatever was coming making itself quite apparent within me. But Leigh was there. She was always there.

“Good morning, Jace.” Rabia sounded tired. She looked tired. But she smiled at me, and I tensed up. “We’re here for your vitamin shot.”

I fought my senses, and I smiled. If Leigh was here, I’d go along with it. “Alright. I’m ready whenever you are.”

Rabia pulled a set of disposable, sterile gloves onto her fingers and began to prepare some materials. Olivia obscured any vision I had of what she was doing, so I just sat there in silence.

“Jace, are you doing okay?” Leigh asked calmly. “It’ll be quick, and then it’s over.”

“Yeah, I think so…” I gritted my teeth, letting heavy breaths out between them as I tried to steel myself. “I’m just ready to know what all of this is about, okay? Can you tell me exactly what she’s going to inject into me?”

This turn, Rabia spoke. She walked over towards me, holding a syringe in one hand and what looked to be an alcohol wipe and a band-aid in the other. She was tapping the needle for air. “You will know soon enough. For now, just know that we are here to help.”

“It’s hard to trust the woman who’s about to inject me with an unknown substance, okay?” I barked out, letting out a bit of the bile. “I just… I think I would’ve slept better, slept at all, if I had known what was going inside of me, okay?”

“How much sleep did you get last night, Jace?” Leigh asked me.

“Not really any. I’ve been conscious the whole night.”

“Alright. Do you struggle with sleep?” Rabia asked.

“When I get really anxious, which happens a lot, I can sometimes take a while to get to bed. The anticipation of what was happening here today… it really got to me over the night. I couldn’t sleep not knowing what was about to happen.” Useless information. I discarded it, gave it to the girls without a care in the world. “Alright. Would you like to see what I could do to help you if you continue to have these problems, Jace?”

I froze for a second. This woman, who carried a syringe of some unknown source, was concerned for my well-being? “Um… sure, I guess.”

“Could you check in with him about it, Leigh? Let me know if there’s any problems?”

“Yeah, I can do that,” my sponsor nodded.

“If you ask for these things, Jace,” Rabia started. “We can help you with other problems you’re having. You just need to feel like you can ask us for things you need, okay?”

“Would you be okay having a chat about this later, Jace?” Leigh asked, and I nodded. “Good. I’d love to hear about what you need down here. Not while you're tired, but maybe when you're feeling better.”

I sighed. “Then, can we get this over with?”

“Yes. Would you mind being restrained, Jace?” Rabia asked me.

“You mean like those handcuffs under the bed?”

“Yes. I’m sorry. I have to inject this into your thigh, and I would feel safer if you were not able to attack me,” Rabia replied.

“You don’t trust me. You don’t trust the boy in front of you.” I nodded in understanding. “It makes sense, Rabia. I don’t trust you, and you don’t trust me.”

She returned the wordless affirmation, and I clambered over the right side of the bed and felt for the cord that connected the right cuff to the bedpost in the corner of the room. “May I be allowed to have the key for the cuffs?” I asked as I reeled the right cuff up, and as Leigh was grabbing for the left one. “I haven’t put them on before and-” I noticed that there was no keyhole. “Fuck.”

“I can’t do that,” Leigh said. “I’m sorry.”

I winced. “And there’s no way out of this.”

“I’m afraid not,” Rabia replied. “You’ll have this injection no matter what.”

I placed the right cuff on. “Is one enough?” I asked, wincing at the lack of movement I now felt. While the chain was slack, I could tell that my freedom was now stifled even further. The bile slipped up my throat.

“It’s gotta be both.”

Leigh placed the other cuff around my left wrist, but she didn’t click it shut. “It’s going to be you as long as you’re cooperative,” she said. “I want you to be able to do the action yourself.”

I sighed. I reached my right hand over, and I clicked it shut. “I’ll trust you. Can you… can you let me know when I can know?”

“I can’t really tell you that one, either. Just know it’s coming soon.”

“Excellent. Fuckin’ excellent. Just can’t give me anything fuckin’ substantive, Leigh, can you?”

Rabia now was up close to me. She looked down at my legs, which still covered my stomach, and asked, “Could you relax your legs?” I did as she told me, and she ripped open the alcohol wipe. She pushed up my boxers just a bit, and I tensed up from the sudden feeling of latex on my skin before the cool alcohol rubbing into my thigh made me shudder.

“Alright. I’m going to be administering the shot. You will feel a bit of a prick, but I will be quick with it, okay?” She said in the form of a question. I sighed as she placed her free hand, the one with a bandaid, atop my thigh. I began taking long inhales and exhales to keep myself grounded, shutting my eyes to forget about it. “3, 2, 1…” I felt the pressure as the skin broke to the needle, the injection, the sting, clenching my fist and seething through the pain, and then the pressure of the bandaid on the injection site. “And… you’re done!”

I relaxed, and as soon as Rabia moved away from me and put something over the needle, the cuffs unlocked.

“Alright. That’s your first injection. These will continue for the time being until you’re out of here, alright?” Rabia smiled at me. “You did very well, Jace.”

“Weekly? So, I’m just gonna have to get used to this.” I looked over at Leigh, who just sheepishly smiled at me. “Fucking great. I better know soon. I can’t take being in the dark about all this, okay?”

“You’ll know soon enough,” Rabia replied, disposing of the needle in a red container that Olivia held up for her. “For now, just trust that we have your best interests at heart. If you need anything, Jace, just ask Leigh. She’ll let us know. I’ll…” She started to wheel the cart out, and Olivia followed. “I’ll see you next week.”

The door shut behind us, leaving the two of us alone. I continued to breathe in and out, ignoring the pain searing in my left thigh as it quickly began to fade. “Leigh,” I said. “This will happen every week?”

“Yes, from here on out. Every week, you’ll get your injection. Let me know if you start to feel any problems with that. On that note… is there anything you need? You’ve… been very cooperative with everything, outside of that outburst recently.”

“I’ve only been here a couple weeks, Leigh. The only other real strikes I’ve seen are for the time that Jacob and Christian laid into each other. For God’s sake, Mia’s punishments on Gerald are really getting to the guy. He finally got the choker off of him, but even if I don’t like him much, I’d rather not see him suffer like that, you know?”

“Suffer? What do you mean, Jace?” Her face was knowing. She understood what I meant, but asked anyway.

“He looks fucking miserable in that get-up. It’s not him, you know?” I looked at the camera, then back at Leigh. I felt the bile coming out, but if I could control it, that would be all the better. “Even if the makeup’s got… a masculine contour, it’s still a bit much. If Gerald was, well, Gina or something, and this was something they chose for themselves, I’d support them. But this is starting to look like some forcefem fantasy for his sponsor.”

Leigh gave me an amused look, which only served to bewilder me. “What do you know about forcefem, Jace?” She asked.

“What the hell do you know about it?” My eyes widened. I said too much. I needed to deflect.

“I’m the one who asked first, Jace. Tell me what you know, and I’ll tell you what I know.”

“Sue me, Leigh. I’m an American at university in the 2020s, Leigh. I have trans friends. They’ve talked to me about it before.”

“Ones close enough to talk about what many consider a fetish?” Leigh asked. “I think I’m gonna call your bluff. We know how your social circles were, Jace.”

“You don’t know the people I know, Leigh,” I lied. “Trans women will share the oddest things, and then apologize for sharing it. They all got obsessed with this critique of the entire genre, and started sharing it to all of their acquaintances. That just… included me.”

“Remember when I said we’d reveal things over time, Jace?”

“Yeah?” “We reviewed your search history. You aren’t getting out of that one.”

Alright, bile coming out. “You did fucking what?”

Leigh sighed, which did nothing to soothe the outrage I felt. “Jace, part of the process we work with… it involves getting information about you. Making sure you’re suitable for the program. We had… we’d originally decided to not take you in. We wanted to redirect you.”

“Excuse me… how much does this damn place know about me?” I barked more than said. I watched Leigh reach for her taser. No fucking wonder.

“The world knows more about you than you’d like to know, Jace. All of you boys. Social media. Search history. Background checks. It’s hard to keep your life private these days. But for us? I’d say we know far more about those in our care than anyone would feel comfortable about.”

“Yeah.”

“As for why I know about forcefem… I think I’ve read the same story you have. One of the girls in my support group raved about it.”

“You go to a support group?” I asked calmly, intrigued by the contrast between the woman in front of me and the idea that she leaned on others for support.

“Yep.” She smiled at me. “Leigh Wolf goes to group therapy. A mixture of cis and trans girls who talk about their experiences and their traumas to try and heal together. One trans girl talked about a story like that, and I decided to read it to better understand her perspective. She was… really nervous and stammering when talking about it. She thought it was such a big deal.”

“So, what did you think about it?” I asked, my breath caught in my throat. The bile dissipated in anticipation for her response.

“I thought the story was kinda relatable. A story about someone thinking that transition was a choice, and that a group of girls decided to push their transition in order to show them it was true? And then the person figures out that they were trans themselves? Chef’s kiss, to be honest.” Leigh mimed the chef’s kiss with her fingers, spreading them out after making an exaggerated mwah. “A bit of just deserts, and then… Well, the self-realization was cute, too.”

“I… looked up a lot of that stuff as a teenager. My sister knew. My sister protected me.”

“Protected you?”

“Yeah. But, one day, she had to go, and it all fell apart quickly after that.”

---------------

December 20, 2019

I got a message from Autumn on the private Consensus channel we shared. Come out of your room, Winter. I don’t have much time.

I walked out of my room, feeling a discomfort in my chest. The parents had just texted us a few minutes ago that they’d be home in about 20 minutes in the family group chat, asking for Autumn to come to the kitchen table. What that likely meant was…

I knocked on the door to her closed room. She quickly opened the door and pulled me into a hug. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, and I felt one land on the top of my head.

“I’m sorry. I have to go. I love you. It may be a while before we see each other again.”

Autumn pulled me close to her chest, and I awkwardly wrapped my arms around her. Despite recognizing consciously that this was probably a very emotional, touching moment… It was hard to feel anything. I knew how long it would be until the parents would be back. If she had to leave… This hug could only be so long.

“Stay safe, Winter. Lock the door. No matter what, don’t leave until they open the door. Put on some headphones. They’re going to scream. I’m sorry for what’s going to happen in a few minutes. I love you. I’ll see you again soon.”

She walked out our hug to the hallway before extricating herself. “Now, get inside. Don’t let them know how you feel about this. Just… breathe. Stay safe. Please. I’m sorry I can’t take you with me.”

I slowly walked backwards to the door of my room, the two of us staring at each other. As I held it all within the pit inside my torso, the anxiety and the fear, I slowly closed the door, keeping my eyes on the miserable gaze of my dear sister. I didn’t break my glance, didn’t blink, until Autumn’s tear-soaked face was fully obscured by the white door. When she was out of sight, I drew a heavy breath between gritted teeth and exhaled, feeling all of the hairs on my arms stand up.

Not long after, I heard the sound of plastic wheels rolling onto the carpeted hallway as well as a slam of the door. I heard the faintest sound of my sister’s exertion as she lumbered down the steps. The slam of what could only be suitcases on each step of the staircase followed, a cacophony of 30 seconds, before the slowly deadening sounds of the wheels made it to the door. A slam, and I was left alone in the house with only the tiny cat now locked in my room to keep me company.

I looked over to the window on the side of my room, and watched for a couple of minutes. I saw her red Honda Civic drive off and turn down the road. I sighed, and my heart fell a few feet in my chest. I followed her advice, plugged up my phone and powered it down, put on my noise canceling headphones, and I took in a few heavy breaths before I put on some music.

Parents, don’t be too kind to your kids, or else how will they grow up to be? Louche Parisian sinners and Nashville country singers, singing about the terrible things their parents did…

Heavy breath in, heavy breath out. I closed the private Consensus instance, mentally prepared myself for the stock responses I could have to my parents.

And though it seems a little strange to me, people never really change, it seems.

I booted up Celeste, and I sat at the title screen for a moment.

I started up the second level. My sister had recently given me a Steam card, perhaps in anticipation of this. I spent it on a game that she recommended was popular with trans girls, just to see how it felt. If I would relate.

The younger brothers and sisters wonder at what they're missing, and wonder how the air tastes when you're really free.

As I darted through the second level on my old Macbook Pro, I found myself relaxing a bit. Despite knowing that my parents would soon be home, and the fragile world of peace I tried to build would soon break, I tried to keep some semblance of calm. I would be away from my sister, who had fled the house, perhaps for the remainder of the break… best not to think about it.

It would be just like it’s been for a little while now. Autumn would probably head to Hazel’s house. Dear, sweet Hazel, who adored and spoiled the hell out of Winter. Even did her makeup last summer, in the short bit that both were home before their internships.

I just did my best to forget about the world. Float through the level, fail and fail again, learn the pattern, fail again, and then succeed. Move on, fail, learn the pattern, succeed. A blissful rhythm that let me smooth out my emotions, forget about the world. Forget about the impending doom.

All you broken boys and girls, with your tattered flags unfurled, fix yourselves to fix the Fisher King...

I heard a scream faintly register in my ears. The stamping of furious footsteps up the same staircase where my sister had frantically fled just a few minutes prior. My father invariably was rapping on my door, as my mother probably was on Autumn’s. Screaming names I refused to acknowledge.

They knew how "good" my noise cancellation was; I trained them to know I was probably unable to hear them. Just as I trained them not to trust the ability to receive me on the phone, as I always had Silent Mode on. Just so happened… it was charging. The battery was low, and the phone was off.

My father did what he always did when I wasn’t responsive: he went for the key on the top of the doorframe, that I was too short to grab but that everyone else could with ease. My previously locked door swung open just a few moments later. I popped out my headphones and looked at my father with a blank stare.

“Everything okay, dad?”

“You know not to lock that damn door,” my father shouted, his face burning red. “We were calling for you.”

“I had my headphones in. Couldn’t hear you,” I replied. “Is… Is there something wrong?”

“Sandra has been keeping secrets from us, Jason. She’s apparently had a girlfriend for years. Can you believe it? She’s a fucking queer!”

“You mean… she’s gay, dad?” I asked, incredulously. “I thought it was obvious.”

“You knew?!” He shouted. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“It didn’t seem like anyone’s business?” I shrugged. “Just because she likes girls doesn’t mean it’s something that I have to tell you, dad.”

“Yes, it is! We could’ve put her in therapy and gotten her help,” he exclaimed. “Now, she’s got these ideas in her head that it’s okay to be like that. Son, you don’t know-”

“Hazel’s a nice woman, dad,” I replied. “You’ve had her over so many times. She’s good for Autumn.”

“Sandra, Jason,” he said, trying to correct me. “I know it’s her middle name, but she’s Sandra.”

“Dad. She went away because she felt disrespected,” I started to say, but I winced.

“Disrespected? Son, you don’t know how good you two have it. Growing up, my father beat me with a belt whenever I acted out of line. Your mother had cigarettes put out on her arms. When I’m mad at you, what do I do?”

“You… yell at me-”

“And it’s done,” he said, interrupting. “Sometimes, I take you to the track to run you. That’s what I do. And you’ve been a pretty good kid so far.”

“I… I know, dad,” I replied. “I’d like you to know that Autumn will not be coming back to this house unless she changes her ways,” he started. “Your mother will be sending her a long message showing our disappointment that she didn’t tell us, and that she decided to make life so much more difficult for herself. We feel no guilt over her digging her own grave; we only feel guilt that we couldn’t stop her from doing so.”

“But dad-”

“No buts. I’d advise you to delete her number, too. I know you won’t, so we’ll be keeping a closer eye on you moving forward. It seems that the utmost trust that we gave to the two of you was misplaced. We can’t stop you once you’re 18, but we know it’ll be better for you if you just let her stop influencing you like this. I only have your best interests at heart, so I hope you understand that this is for your own good.”

“Yes, sir…”

“I’d like to hear it with a bit more enthusiasm to make sure you agree, and you aren’t just giving me lip service.”

“Yes, sir!”

“Good. Now, if there’s anything you’re hiding from us, now’s the time to spill it. There won’t be any consequences if you tell us now. If we find out later, there will be hell to pay.”

“There isn’t,” I lied. He’d be none the wiser.

“Alright,” he said, retreating back. “Just remember, if something happens and you tell us, the punishment will be far less severe than if we find out ourselves. We’ll know if you did something. We just want you to feel like you can trust us enough that you will tell us.”

“I will. Thank you, dad,” I replied.

“You’re welcome. Now, come on, there’s lunch on the table downstairs. It’ll get cold if we wait too long.”

The bottom dropped out of my stomach as he turned away.

---------------

October 29, 2022

“Fucking hell, okay,” Leigh said, putting her hand up to her forehead, pushing hair back as she leaned against the table. “So we’ve been traumatizing the shit out of you.”

“I’d think anyone here would be traumatized by what you’re doing to us, Leigh,” I replied matter-of-factly. Because they FUCKING WOULD BE.

“No, but I mean, our system of… You know when I tell you to say ‘I understand and agree’ with something?” Leigh seemed genuinely distressed by something I’d long since come to terms with. “Yeah, I guess.”

“What we’re doing is basically just that to you, isn’t it?” “It’s honestly not as bad, to be fair. At least when I’m eventually tased down here, I’m not gonna be left with the feeling that I did anything particularly wrong. And I can give you guys lip service without consequences. Because you expect it.”

“Do you… need to talk more about it, Jace?” Leigh’s chest seemed to heave a bit more heavily now that I’ve said something. “I’m not a therapist but… I could try and help. Give you support. I think that’s something you need.”

“What I need, Leigh, is to apologize to my fucking sister. To get out of here when you all think I’m good and ready, and succeed on my own terms. Never see my parents again, and make something that’s my own.”

“I can relate.” Leigh covered her own mouth, and I immediately saw someone an ounce more relatable than a few seconds ago.

My breath caught, the bile dissipated briefly. “Holy fuck. You told me this already. You got kicked out, too. I ignored it. You’re… you’re a lot like Autumn.”

“Is that your older sister’s name?” I felt unable to respond negatively to her. She wasn’t an opponent anymore. Maybe she never really was an opponent.

“Yeah. Did your folks kick you out for being gay?” I got to the point.

“That’s why my brother eventually got kicked out, I think. I got kicked out for… other reasons.” She looked deeply uncomfortable, gripping her right shoulder so tightly that she might break skin. I’d never heard about her brother before, “Hey, Leigh, it’s fine. Look, we don’t talk about your brother, and in exchange we don’t talk about… my search history, okay?”

“...Yeah. I think I’m okay with that for now.” She still didn’t look at me, but I could tell the grip on her shoulder lightened.

“I… appreciate the lighter touch that you give me here, Leigh.” I thought about Gerald in his makeup; the whelps I’d seen on Christian after his so-called ‘third strike’; the… treatment of Tyler. “I… trust you more than you think. I would’ve fought the shot if you weren’t here. Maybe I would’ve been tased. Shot was going in anyways, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“What I need, Leigh… is that to continue. I need to communicate with you to get my needs met down here. In return, I want to know more about this program, bit by bit. I need to know about the person I am going to become. That we’re all going to become.”

“I’ll do my best.” Leigh could finally bring herself to look at me again. Her body language was more open; her arms rested at her sides, and she had stood up. “I want to see if the vitamin jab will do you some good with the whole ‘sleep’ thing. But is there anything you need right now?”

“That song we listened to. The last one we got off that album. Do you know what it’s called?”

“How’d it go?” Leigh cocked an eyebrow.

“The last lyric sounded something like ‘You don’t have to be sorry’.” I racked my brain to think about it. “It… sounded really relatable.”

“Oh! That’s ‘Matilda’. Yeah, I really like it, too,” Leigh replied, moving towards the computer. Her focus was not on me, but on the desk. “You want to listen to it again?”

“Yeah, but… could you get me a copy of the lyrics? I’d like to learn the words so I could sing along to it,” I replied. “It’s something I used to do back when I was a teen. Maybe I’ll get back into learning them again.”

“Sounds good.” As she turned the song on again, she looked back at me. “Do you want to stay here and try to rest? I could bring you some food, let you sleep until lunch. Then, unfortunately, I’d have to wake you up. You’ve got a lesson later today.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” I replied, the conversation having largely drained me. I collapsed backwards, getting under the covers. Now that the anxiety was gone and the situation cleared out, I felt the collective exhaustion of over 24 hours without sleep really hitting me all at once.

“Alright. We’ll do this song and then I’ll turn on some lo-fi and let you sleep.”

I didn’t even make it to the end of the song before I passed out.

---

Tyler

I huddled into a ball on my bed, holding in my tears. I knew too much. I was going to be washed out if I told anyone. All these boys were going to go through the same process that my dear, sweet sister did. But instead of it being fully consensual, even wanted, it was just…

I fucking knew it.

Beth wasn’t ever my friend. What she truly was was… just… a torturer. A jailer. A willing participant in experimentation. I knew what estrogen did to men. I knew what forcing the wrong hormones on someone did to them. It made you feel lethargic. Terrible. Like you wanted to jump out of your own skin, at the worst cases.

And they decided to take seven boys off the street and put hormones into them? Jesus fucking CHRIST.

And the worst part was? I knew, in the deepest recesses of my mind, that it didn’t work like that for me. I knew how good it felt, to be able to breathe again, to not feel like you wanted to throw yourself into the River Wey every time you walked past it.

I thought about my time with Beth, just a little while ago, when they revealed the whole process to me. The whole experience was shaky. I didn’t want to remember it,

---------------

"Beth."

I sat down on the bed, refusing to move. We had long since finished the injection. I waited half an hour, sitting there with my sponsor. I processed it, let the effect take its course, before saying a word, my emotions going from curiosity… to horror… to understanding… to fury.

"Hmm?" She looked confused, but I knew she knew what was going on.

"You know what this is."

"I don't know what you mean."

"You know what this fucking 'vitamin' is. You know what you just injected me with, right?" I couldn't control my feelings. Despite the... familiar calm washing over me, my body welcoming it back and relaxing deeper into itself, I had to cut through to express the indignation I felt.

"Do you?" Beth asked again, this time with something that seemed to equate to intrigue.

"It's estrogen. You put estrogen in me. You’re… you’re fucking putting estrogen in us, aren’t you?" Any emotions I had… seemed to deflate upon that admission. I knew they had put it in me. I knew I felt good. I knew I probably would be better off with it in me. Yet, I couldn’t quite accept it.

Beth paused for a moment, and began laughing. "Holy shit! What makes you think that?" She asked me.

I looked away. I felt a blush creep across my face. Beth's laughter quickly stopped. Replaced by a wide-eyed stare. Her arms fell to her side. She stepped back.

"Holy shit. You know what it feels like." Beth spoke without breath. She put a hand to her head, the strands in her hair separating between her fingers. "Don't you, Tyler?"

"I..." I let out a huff. The fury was sucker-punched out of me, replaced with… nothing. "Yeah. I do. Someone I knew took estrogen injections. She never got good at doing them to herself. She told me what it felt like to her many times. Like a wave crashing over you, your body just... relaxing into it, the persistent feelings and pain just dulling, and everything else that it hides, that it keeps down... coming to life, blossoming inside."

"How does it feel to you, Tyler?"

"...Much the same, to be honest." I held out my hand. Gripped it a few times. Felt how much lighter it seemed, despite how little had actually changed. “I’m… honestly rather angry that this is how it came to be. But…”

“But what?”

“I… I don’t know.” I couldn’t really process what this would mean for me. My brain felt like there was something that could be the easy answer, but that couldn’t be mine. That was for her. “I think I want to hate you? But my brain… cannot process thoughts right now.”

“You don’t have to know, okay?” Beth replied, in an uncharacteristically soft tone. “But you don’t have to do this alone, you know?”

“I know, I just…” I thought deep inside my mind, to places I had shut away for at least a couple of years at this point. Tried grasping at thoughts, at memories, that I had to keep away to feel at ease. “You hit a sore spot.”

"Tell me about it, Tyler. If you’re comfortable talking about it,” Beth replied. I looked at her eyes, this woman who looked fresh out of Mean Girls, and saw nothing but sympathy.

“I feel violated, Beth. You guys came in here, stole all of us out of our lives and threw us in here. Have been feeding us weetabix and veggie burgers and occasionally, if we’re lucky and good boys, we get some of your reheated leftover scraps sent down here.” When I spoke, I barely sounded angry. I felt the same voice escape my lips that did when I first talked to Jace, apologizing for thinking he was a woman. Why did I sound apologetic when I was talking about violation? “And now you’ve injected us with what I am going to believe is estrogen. That you’ve not done anything to change my mind on what that is makes me believe you know it is. Do you not know what that does to people?”

“Yes, I know about it quite well. I have a lot of experience with transgender women talking about it in my presence,” Beth said.

“Then you know what it does.” Realization struck. “You’re turning us into women. Fucking hell, you’re bleedin’ transitioning us, whether we want it or not.”

Beth smirked. “Yeah, I guess you could call it that. Welcome to disclosure, buddy, population you.”

“I knew something was up when you injected all of us with an anti-androgen. The person I helped with her injections, she always wanted to get one of those. But she couldn’t afford the waiting time with the NHS. She was always going to go with monotherapy.” I realized I was on a tangent, sighed, and shifted my mind back to where the conversation was. “But I just chalked it up to dealing with our aggression. You were measuring our testosterone levels with those blood draws, weren’t you? God, I should’ve known what was going on with the fucking sperm samples.”

"You know quite a lot about this,” Beth said.

“Because that person wouldn’t shut up about it. They were my closest friend. My confidant. The person I was ready to give my own life for to make sure she could transition.” I sighed. “And now she’s gone. And now I’m here.”

“So… not a word leaks of this to anyone, Tyler. What I’m about to tell you stays between these two walls,” Beth started.

“Why the fuck would I go along with you on this?” I replied, still in that same detestable tone. “This is such a violation of my autonomy as a person. The authorities will hear about this, you know! What if I tell the other boys? What if they riot?”

“If you get the chance,” Beth retorted, her voice ice cold.

My blood chilled.

“If you go along with it…” Beth huffed. “You’ll find that you’ll get what you’ve always wanted, Tyler.”

My eyes narrowed. For all the rage I felt, I still… couldn’t quite get what was going on her head. “What I’ve always wanted?”

“We’ve kept tabs on you and the rest of them for a long time. For you, specifically, we’ve been building a file on you for a couple of years now. All of your escapades and all of the times you used trans women. All the times you objectified them for your own comfort, faked affection for them, all because you couldn’t get over the loss of someone very important to you. Everything about you that you left publicly available, Tyler. We have it all.”

My eyes widened. “So… you know?”

“Yes. If you go along with everything for the next couple of months, I can give you closure on what happened to the person that you cared so much about. If you don’t, however…” I felt the space between us grow nearer, her presence filling the room, the doom in my chest gripping my lungs tight and making it hard to even breathe.

“You’ll wash out. You’ll go wherever that leads you. You probably won’t see the light of day again. And you’ll never know of what happened to your dear, dear sister.”

---------------

Fuck. I winced. I pulled myself up from the bed, slapped myself repeatedly to try and collect myself. I needed to be out there. Can’t show any signs that might make me…

No. She talked about my sister. That’s all I could hear. That my sister might be out there. But maybe she wasn’t. She couldn’t. She would’ve come for me by now, right?

She would’ve done something about this. Unless…

Was Maia responsible for me being down here? Am I really just…

No. It couldn’t be. They just held the threat of Maia over me. Maybe they had her held at some other facility of theirs. If this existed, maybe they had some other facility where they held people who didn’t do wrong. Maybe she’d been there the whole time…

Maybe this place wasn’t just a one and done thing. Beth said they’d been keeping files on me for a couple of years, right? Or was that what my anxiety-riddled brain imagined? It was hard to place them, but if it was…

Maybe there’d be something else to this. Were they lying when they said that we’d be free to go? Like… would the programme last until we were fully women, inside and out?

I groaned. That’s the exact sort of thing that Maia would get herself into. A part of me hoped that that was all it was. Maybe Maia was further along in the programme, and…

Oh my fucking god, if she did that…

I hate how much sense that made. ‘Maia somehow getting herself thrown in here for free transition care’, as ungodly absurd as that sounds… was not out of the question. She was insane enough to know the risks, know the consequences, and then head in anyways without a care in the world. It was likely that she wouldn’t have washed out if she did, but…

I sighed. If that was true, perhaps, just perhaps… I’d find out eventually. My anger faded at the prospect of maybe. If I’d find out what happened to her… maybe I’d just have to wait. It hurt, but… what’s a little longer?

---

Christian

What the fuck was going on here?

First, Tyler came into the common room with a fucking thousand yard stare, now we see Jace’s sponsor doling out a big thing of Weetabix and milk before leaving the room. It effectively left me with the foul-mouthed femboy and the rich kid that’s scared of his own shadow. Henry rarely spoke, and even now he seemed more pissed than usual, which means to get some damn entertainment that isn’t just zoning out into the world of reality television, I had to scrounge up what I could.

And now the femboy’s learning makeup? Granted, it seemed to be highlighting his masculine features, but STILL!

“Hey, where’s Jace?” I called out to the woman whose name escaped me as she poured the warm milk.

“He didn’t sleep last night. The jab took a lot out of him, and I’m letting him get some much needed rest.” She was moving the spoon around in the mixture, but then Holly handed her a bottle of honey and she drizzled that and added some chocolate chips from a bag that Beth handed her and-

“Hey, why is Jace getting the special treatment?” Ritchie asked the very question that I wanted to raise.

“Good behavior is rewarded. Unlike the lot of you, Jace cooperated and took the shot.” The tall sponsor waved a spoon above the bowl to motion towards me. “I’m sorry to lump you in with that, Henry, but you did not take it well, either.”

Henry shrugged. He rubbed at his reddened, now clean-shaven face, which revealed a nasty scar that ran down the length of his right cheek. “Made me shave my beard. Took out my anger on the gals administering my vitamins.” He looked at Holly and gave his characteristic zoned out smile. “Tell Olivia that I send my apologies.”

“I’ll let you do that yourself, Henry.” Unlike the rest of us, it seemed like Jace and Henry had… at minimum, cordial relationships with their sponsors.

“Sounds good.” And he returned to his silence, eating another bowl of Weetabix.

“I guess you didn’t take to the shot well, eh, Tyler?” I jostled him with my elbow, but he seemed not to move an inch. He didn’t even acknowledge me.

“Christian, none of us took to the shot very well,” Gerald replied. “It may make some of us feel better, but it hurt like a motherfucker.”

“You know, Gerry, it did made me feel better,” I said. “I’d really been feeling out of it for the past few weeks, now that I couldn’t see the sun anymore. It’s been a hell of a time not getting the workout from bricklaying anymore. I guess I was missing some Vitamin C or something, because it’s just… I sleep better. I feel better all-around.” I cupped my arm, which still had considerable tone to it. “It’s like I’m a brand new man.”

Tyler looked at me like I’d grown a second head for a brief second, before turning away and walking up to Bethany, his sponsor. “I’d like to head back to my room now,” he said simply.

“What did I say?” I exclaimed, as Bethany shook her head.

“No, Tyler, you’re staying down here for now.”

Tyler sighed. “Can’t make this easier for me, can you, Beth?”

“Nope.” The short sponsor popped her lips with the last syllable, leaning against the wall, likely to keep distance from any of us. While her arms were crossed, anyone could see the taser that seemed permanently attached to her hands.

“What are you insinuating, Tyler?” I asked, puzzled. “Come on, I’m a lot like you. We gotta stick together. I gotta know what’s on your mind.”

“I can’t.” Tyler looked away from me.

“Come on, Christian, you can’t push him to say something he doesn’t want to,” Ritchie added, reaching over the table with a symbolic gesture. “He seems genuinely uncomfortable.”

“I’m sick of the secret keeping here, Ritchie,” I said. “We could go around the table and talk about how the shot made us feel, or some shit, if it makes you all feel better. If we’re gonna keep getting it, maybe we could compare notes or something.”

I noticed Bethany move in the back of my eye, but Ritchie’s sponsor, who stood right next to her, stopped her in her tracks.

“How’d it make you feel, Ty?” I raised my eyebrows. He knew something. I wanted in on the secret.

“I… honestly, made me feel like shit for a bit.” He looked away. “Took a while for me to feel better again.”

“Shit, dude. You’re responding that badly to it? That’s… surprising. It made me feel actually quite good.”

“Yeah, me too,” Ritchie replied. “Felt like I could think a bit more clearly after a day or so."

---------------

2022 Sponsor Hellhole Chat

DeckTheHalls

Okay, which one of you fuckers had trans girls on your bingo card?

(Tabby has come online.)

(Bethany% has come online.)

Bethany%

I did!

(Mary Quite Contrary has come online.)

(Mamma Mia has come online.)

Mamma Mia

😭

Tabby

I saw this coming. Who do you have money on?

DeckTheHalls

I'm not telling.

Tyler’s kind of a given, though, based on what I could hear from when Tabitha berated Beth. They’re talking about how estrogen is making them feel.

Tyler’s being goaded to spill the beans. Beth has told us he knows the consequences for doing so.

Mary Quite Contrary

So, Tyler got disclosed? Is that all?

Bethany%

Yep.

Mary Quite Contrary

Do you think we should get him out of there then?

Tabby

If you pull him out now, it would be too suspicious. Let him stew for a bit.

MaryQuiteContrary

Why do we care about there being a trans girl in the intake? They’re largely going to end up at the same place every time, so why do we push this so much?

I’m going back to bed. Please don’t bother me unless it’s an emergency. I should’ve turned the alarm off on my phone.

(MaryQuiteContrary has gone offline.)

Bethany%

Because… it’s interesting to watch.

Holy shit, Christian’s so far off the mark.

---------------

“I mean, think about it, Tyler,” I started. “How many of us ate like shit before coming here? How many of us were working back-breaking jobs or pushing ourselves through school? Honestly, down here, boredom is more at risk of killing us than overwork. We probably feel better because we’re chilling the fuck out and eating less shit and not getting pissed on the weekends, and while I’m against fucking jabbing into our bodies without consent, we can’t deny that we’re probably at risk of several deficiencies down here.”

---------------

2022 Sponsor Hellhole

Bethany%

Holy shit he’s gonna have one hell of an awakening come disclosure.

---------------

“I think you guys should just drop it,” Jacob said. “You’ll be getting the shots regardless.”

“And you don’t care about what they’re putting into our bodies, you fuckin’ towie?” I replied. “I’m only down here because of you, anyways.”

“Shut the fuck up, pikey,” the asshole replied, narrowing his eyes, his face reddening with what could only be anger. “We both got ourselves in here together. Or are you not the one who claimed they started it?”

“Oh, shut the hell up,” I replied, bristling at the boy at the other end of the table. With no Jace to sit near me, and a nearly catatonic Tyler unwilling to stop me at this point, I was right ready to go off. “Not claiming your story unless it benefits you. Almsworth scum.”

“You fucking classless-”

“I’m gonna step in here, you two.” Tabby walked up and placed her hand on my shoulder, gripping it tight to pull me out of my fury towards Jacob. “You’re not going on with your silly rivalries down here. That’s just feeding into toxic masculinity, and I know you’re better than that. Do I need to give you another strike, Christian?”

“I don’t think I deserve that just from being curious, Tabitha.”

“There is a line between curiosity and antagonism, Christian, and you passed it quite a long time ago,” Tabby replied, and I began to be pulled away from the other boy. “You’ve got a lot to unlearn, Christian. Probably more than most of these other boys.”

“Oh, yeah, I agree,” Jacob added in, a sly grin stretched across his face. “You know, with a face like that, Christian, you could pull any person you wanted, if you just kept your mouth shut.”

I lurched forward, but Tabby’s grip and the distance between the two of us and my broken hand nearly immobilized by the cast that these mysterious doctors put on my hand, any actual movement with that hand was now useless.

“Easy there,” Tabby said. “You know what continued disobedience warrants.”

After a moment of internal deliberation, I went slack underneath the grip of my sponsor, heaving out great sighs to try and regulate myself, to keep from trying to jump the boy who had height, weight, and an extra unbroken hand to add to the list.

“Jacob, you’re going to sit down, and you’re going to chill,” Mary, Jacob’s sponsor, said as she suddenly appeared behind him. Even Tabby seemed surprised by her presence.

Jacob grumbled, and gave me a wide berth as he returned to the bean bag chair that now had an oaf-shaped dent from all the reclining he did in it. She followed him, book in hand, and once he’d sat down, she handed him a copy of a book that just had “BELOVED” scrawled across the top half in big, emboldened letters. And once he opened the book to where he was, he was gone.

“Now, Christian, I’m going to say that you’re doing better with holding back your anger. You still tried to take swings, but you didn’t try to break out of my grip. You’ve got a long way to go, but I appreciate that you actually listened to reason for once.” I looked away, wincing at the fact that I actually got praise from the woman who was supposed to be my sponsor. The woman whom I had tried to deck on several occasions. I felt… guilt? Shame? Emotions I thought I had put away long ago, resurfacing at this point, where it seemed as if there would not be punishment for my actions.

“I… I guess.” I refused to look at her. Truthfully, my rage boiled for that detestable bookworm, but I quickly found that, separated from the very fact that I was down here, very little of my rage ever found itself directed at Tabitha. She just… was. Did I like her very much? That was debatable. But did I hate her? No, not really. She seemed… just as wrapped in all of this as I was.

“I think I’m gonna take Christian back to his room. Enjoy your morning, everyone.”

I shuffled behind my sponsor, thoroughly deflated as the situation that inflamed my rage became more and more distant from me. The quiet room became a deep silence, truncated by the buzzing of lights overhead and the footsteps of our trainers against the floor.

We remained silent on the walk. Neither of us spoke. Just step, step, step, step, mine eventually matching hers, down the hallways and to the rooms to be alone. Maybe if Jace was feigning sleep, he’d hear whatever was going to happen. Either way, I wasn’t about to

When we made it to the rooms, Tabby pressed her thumb on the pad, and I followed her inside.

“I thought you would criticize me more, given your lot’s big thing about toxic masculinity.” I felt my nerves pulse alongside the emphasis, my emotions ready to flare up if that bitch tried anything. “I-”

“You’re doing well, Christian.” Those four words were not what I expected from alone time with my sponsor. She was actually smiling at me. It short-circuited whatever expectations I had for her. “You’re making good progress.”

“What?” I asked, unable to think of any other response. Here Tabby was, being nice to me? It felt weird, disorienting, to have her praise me.

“Feeling anger towards someone isn’t inherently toxic or masculine. But it’s just the way you do it that imbues it with its toxicity. You have a lot of strong emotions inside of you, just ready to burst out. Christian, you seem like someone who feels very deeply, whatever the emotion is.”

“What’s with the therapy session, Tabitha? Just put me back in the cells already if you want to torture me more.” I backed away towards the wall, not interested in any bullshit woo they package to men thinking it’ll ‘help them through their problems’.

“That can be arranged,” Tabby replied, looking up at the camera, before back at me. “But do you really want to go back into the cells… or do you want to talk to me?”

I looked towards the floor, not granting her a response.

“If you want to go to the cells, you’re going to have to tell me,” Tabby said. I couldn’t tell what her face looked like at that moment, but it seemed smug. “Otherwise, we’re gonna talk.”

I finally looked back up at her, and my intuitions were correct. She had a smirk etched upon her face, her nose scrunched, her arms crossed. She had me cornered. A month ago, I would’ve tried (and most likely failed) to punch her lights out and make a run for it. Now, though? With my dominant hand the way that it is?

“Fine. We’ll talk.”

I didn’t have it in me.

“Sounds good. Well… are you someone who feels deeply?”

I squinted my eyes, feeling the awkwardness of the situation. Her question was… really vague. “I guess? I’m not sure what I feel, really. I just… feel. The only one I can really tell is anger. That one’s easy to understand.”

Tabby hesitated for a brief moment, before nodding. “...Good enough. Do you think you could tell me how you’re feeling right now? Maybe in comparison to the past month or so?”

“I…” I stopped for a moment, took stock in my body, what it felt. It was nigh indescribable. I just… felt something unfamiliar to me before the past couple of weeks. I knew I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t know exactly what it was, either. The only words I could give to it were… “I feel… looser?”

“Looser than what?”

“I guess… looser than before. I don’t really know what my body is supposed to feel like, Tabs. I just know it feels… different, and it’s just… a new sensation. I’m not so wound tight anymore. I said I felt like a new man before, but I just feel a bit more control of myself.”

“That’s good,” Tabby said to me, the smirk melting away into a more genuine smile. “You didn’t get a lot of education on your emotions growing up, did you? Or even on how to control them, probably. It’s okay if the answer is no. A lot of boys didn’t.”

“I… don’t think so, no.”

“We’re gonna work on that. Anger is an emotion that a lot of people like you fall back on. It feels empowering. It lets you take matters into your own hands. But it is addictive. Controlling. It makes you impulsive.” She rubbed a spot on her arm where I had given her a bruise a few weeks back, making me internally wince. “Have you heard of alexithymia, Christian?”

“What the fuck is that? Sounds… clinical,” I replied with an ounce of disgust.

“It’s really not. It can be used as a symptom for things like depression… but it’s simple. It’s just that you struggle to understand and express your emotions. You said you just feel. From what I understand, other than anger, does everything else kind of… mix together?”

“Yeah. I think it has since I was a teen, maybe even well before that, when dad died,” I replied. “You’re… probably right to think that.”

“It happens to a lot of people. Some people just have a lot of difficulty trying to characterize how they’re feeling, or understanding the emotions that they are experiencing. For example… do you ever feel anxiety that goes away when you eat?”

“Yeah. All the time.” I felt seen when she started to explain that. Like years of behavior encapsulated in a couple of sentences, a lifetime of mistakes characterized.

“You may struggle to process the difference between the need, your hunger, and the emotion, the spike in anxiety. And it causes you a lot of problems, I presume.”

“Yeah. I’ve started fights with my mates in moods like that. I’d forget to eat through most of a long workday, and then I’d get pissed and not think much about food, but start to unravel. I don’t think it causes my anger but…”

“But what, Christian?”

“But I don’t really hate that anger,” I replied. “It’s done a lot for me.”

“Anger is an emotion we all feel. It’s normal to experience it. Very normal. But… the way you’re experiencing it, it’s causing problems for yourself and others.” I backed away from her a bit more as she spoke, trying to give myself extra space. “I have something I want to try with you once your thumb heals. But for now, I want you to work through some of this with me, okay?”

“I… guess?”

“Well, I mean, your choices are compliance or the cell. Ultimately, you’re going to comply with me, Christian, or you’re going to end up getting yourself washed out. Do you want to comply now? Give me a yes, or a no.”

I paused. I didn’t know where to go with all this. I just stared at her in silence, a deep concern washing over me.

She smiled at me, before turning to the door, leaving her nearly bare back exposed, only clothed by the racerback straps of her top. “I’ll give you some time to think about it. I’ll bring you some lunch soon, Christian. Maybe you’ll have a decision for me by then.”

And the door shut behind her.

---

I'm so sorry for the wait, everyone! Life got in the way. Moved away from Boston; got wrapped up in some family drama, and just felt unable to write or edit for a bit. But hey, I got this chapter to where I wanted it to be. It was a damned doozy, and this and the next chapter have been the most difficult to get where I wanted to be. But they're here.

I wanted to thank several people for helping me with drafting and storycrafting. First, my boyfriend in helping me iron out some of the characters' backstories. Second, chatios1 and Inadorable on here as well as Venus_Fogged for helping with making things make sense and seem more coherent. I hope you all enjoy!

Song References:

Title and Flashback- The Fisher King Blues by Frank Turner

Other songs:
Matilda by Harry Styles