Reincarnated as an AXE!

Eleven years! Eleven years! Oh my God! I’ve lost eleven years of my life! How could this have possibly happened?

Well, time does flow differently in the astral plane.

But does it really flow that differently?! Come on, does this happen to everyone who learns magic?

Well, no, obviously not.But you did put ten entire points into the Path of Earth. I warned you there could be consequences—

Liar! Liar! Libby the Liar! You told me it was an awesome idea! You said I should do it! You were like “Everything you touch turns to gold, Boss! Wow, you sure are the best!”

I don’t recall saying anything of the sort and can in fact produce the memory of the event in exact detail in order to prove my innocence—

Oh, you’ve got all the answers, don’t you, Libby? I bet you doctored the footage, didn’t you? Someone cut Michael Jackson’s estate a check, we just found ourselves a smooth criminal!

It was a mere eleven years.May I remind you that you are functionally immortal?

That doesn’t mean anything! Don’t you see, Libby? We’ve experienced a time skip! Now all our friends and rivals have gotten more powerful while we sat here in stagnation!

One:You don’t have any friends or rivals. You don’t know anyone!Two:You did not stagnate, you’ve acquired [Earth Mastery] an extremely rare imbuement possessed only by the greater Earth Elementals themselves.You have becomeexceptionallypowerful—

Everyone’s been out developing new special moves and pumping themselves up for the final confrontation with the Dark Lord—

You don’t know anyone, there is no dark lord, there is nothing to be enthused or upset about—

And then just think of how much technology and society must have changed! I’m an axe that’s been cut from his era! Will I recognize anyone or anything? This must have been how Captain America felt when they thawed him free of the ice…

I’m going into sleep mode now.I will not be available for the next twenty-four hours.Please enjoy your day.Good night.

Huh? Libby?

Libby is currently unavailable.

Libby! Hey! Liiiiibby!

Libby is currently unavailable.

Oh, nuts! This must be a technical error! This is probably another bothersome issue brought about by that darn time skip!

I plopped myself onto a dusty couch and pondered today’s terrible revelations. Oh, hey, I'd grown myself a new body! When had I done that? Meh, whatever. I had other things to think about.

Gosh, I wonder if there’s anything like an Apple Store for malfunctioning appraisal screens? Oh, I’d hate to have to trade Libby in, but I did wonder if an upgrade was available. If so, could it connect to a five G network? Or are we on six G’s now that it's the future?

And what did the g stand for, anyway? Gosh, there were so many mysteries to unravel in this strange new world of tomorrow…

“You! Hey, you over there!” cut in a girl’s voice.

I looked up and saw a cute redhead in a formfitting white outfit with a short cape, pointing a dagger at me. Then I looked around in confusion. Was she speaking to me?

“Hey, are you speaking to me?” I asked her.

“Do you see anyone else in this room?”

Was that a trick question? “Uh, is that a trick question?” I asked her. “I see yooou.”

“Where is Ardale Lange?” the redhead demanded.

“Oh, god, god, god, this is embarrassing for me, but I have no idea who that is!” I admitted sheepishly. “It sounds familiar though! Like, tip of the tongue familiar—YIKES!”

The woman raced across the room and now had her blade placed directly against my neck. If I moved so much as an inch, her weapon would have opened my neck up like a birthday present.

“Whoa! You’re fast!” I said admiringly.

“Speed is definitely one of my things,” she agreed.

“You’re really cute too!”

“Thanks! I take pride in my appearance!”

“Are you seeing anyone?” I asked hopefully.

“Sorry, but I’m in a committed relationship. My man’s name is justice, and I have eyes only for him!”

“Awww. Are you the heroic type?”

“I’m too humble to call myself that, but yeah, I’m a righteous chick who follows the light.”

“Well, it’s a loss for me, but I admire your commitment! Can you not stab me now?”

“That depends on what you’re doing here.”

“I was only sitting around, contemplating my options.”

“Why are you naked?” She asked.

“Why aren’t you?”

“Oh, you’re good! But I’m not falling for it.”

“May I please point out that you’re straddling me? I’m doing my best not to make this weird, but you were the one who said you weren’t into me.”

“I’m not! But I refuse to surrender the high ground in case you prove to be dangerous!”

“So, we’re just going to keep sitting here like this? Seriously, I don’t mind, but I’m basically sucking in my gut here to keep this from getting perverted.”

The girl smirked at me.

“You really are kind of considerate, aren’t you?” she asked. “Okay, I’ll take a chance and trust you for now. But first, put on some pants!”

She stepped away from me and sheathed her knife. I looked around for something, anything I could cover myself up with. I grabbed one of the old sheets off a nearby piano in the corner of the room and wrapped it around myself. It was dusty and starchy though, not comfortable in the slightest.

This won’t do, I thought ruefully to myself.

Then, I had an idea!

I was now a master of Earth Magic, right? And this sheet was made up of all sorts of fibers grown in a field somewhere, yeah? With that in mind I tore the sheet in half then used [Earth Mastery] to pump each of the pieces full of energy. Then, I focused on them and mentally molded them into the forms I desired. The results: A good pair of jeans, and a sonic Youth t-shirt I hadn’t seen since I lost it during a move to a new apartment.

I’m not really a big expert on Sonic Youth, but this chick I was dating at the time was really into Noise Rock, and I feel it’s important to fake an interest in things if it’ll help you get a girl’s attention.

Our relationship didn’t last long, but that shirt stayed with me for ages. The great thing about Sonic Youth is that no one ever challenges you on them. Even their own fans were so jaded and indifferent that they didn’t care if you were a fake, just as long as you repped the merch.

I tried doing that with Pantera once and ended up having to stab someone in order to get out of that bar alive. Don't mess with Texas!

“Sweet!” I said happily. Look at me guys, this axe has now become an official member of the DIY community!

“Wow,” the knife wielding girl said from behind me. “I haven’t seen any magic like that before. What school is that?”

“Earth,” I said proudly.

“Earth?” she said skeptically. “Honestly?”

“Very honestly! It’s the supreme school of sorcery, you know. You can do anything with it, if you’ve got the right imagination and nigh-godlike power.”

“Okaaay.”

“All right, I’m clothed! Don’t think I didn’t notice you checking out my glutes, by the way.”

“It was done out of academic interest! An intense study of anatomy is a requirement for mastering how to kill efficiently.”

“Oh. I usually just hack away pieces of someone until they stop moving.”

“That’s the technique of an amateur!” She said admonishingly.

“I have so much left to learn!” I realized.

__

Reinforcements soon arrived and found Denard holding Julia’s body. “Treat her carefully, guys,” he instructed them as he handed her over.

“Treat her carefully?” one of his men asked incredulously. “Look at what this bitch did to us! I say we drop her in a midden pile and let the flies turn her into maggot shit.”

“Watch your mouth, moron!” Denard growled. “She’s still wanted for questioning. If we keep the body intact, there’s a good chance she can be restored. Our bosses need to know what she knows, it’s that important.”

“What? Our guys get blown to hell, and this bitch gets to be resurrected? Captain, how the fuck is that fair?”

“Fair isn’t what we signed up for. All that matters is finishing the job and achieving the best possible good.”

“But—

“That’s enough!” Denard snapped. “Have we got entry to the manor grounds secured yet?”

“There's nothing to secure, sir,” another warrior informed him. “Looks like something wiped out the the estate’s defenses a while ago. From all the misalignments I’ve counted, I’d say there was some sort of local earthquake if you can believe that. Maybe there was a residual reaction of some kind from the collapse?”

“Shit, you really think so?” Denard asked. “Gods, is there no place that disaster didn’t reach?”

The collapse of Paladia. A disastrous event, utterly cataclysmic in its magnitude. The sort of black moment that occurred once in a dozen generations. Paladia had been a legendary kingdom, the home of the Landholt federation that united mankind and the other intelligent races of the world in an alliance dedicated to peace and justice. A place of power and splendor, where legends were born, and glory was eternal.

Now gone. Fucking gone. All in the blink of an eye. And no one knew why.

The temple now claimed that Paladia’s splendor was an elaborate lie. It had to be so. Why else would the Elementals turn against it with such unrelenting fury? No one would just wipe out such a densely populated and important part of the mortal world without just cause. They had to have done something to bring it upon themselves! They were being punished.

This belief persisted and grew among the remaining nations of the world until it became a fervently believed fact. And just like that, the surviving citizens of Paladia went from being refugees seeking a future, to victims of persecution and hatred.

Everywhere they went, they were scorned. Wherever they settled, they were immediately blamed for local problems. If there was thievery, a Paladian did it. If a cow’s milk soured, a Paladian must have cursed it. No matter where they went, the abuses and indignities were piled on. And that was just for the human citizens. The Dwarves, Lycanmorphs, and especially the Elves were often killed on sight.

It was a bad time not to be a native of the lands you dwelled in.

“Tch. Well, that makes it easier for us, then. Julia’s apprentice must have the girl. She’s nowhere near as dangerous as her master was. Go collect her, boys, and then we can finally put all this shit behind us.”

“You’re not coming, chief?”

“If I fought her, I might kill her. I’m… tired of killing people today. Just get it done, guys.”

"You can count on us."

__

“So, what’s your name, anyway?” the girl asked as we headed downstairs.

“Don’t have one!” I responded promptly.

“Yes, you do. What’s your name?” she insisted.

“Errr, Axe-el. Axel! I’m definitely an Axe. El.”

“I think you’re lying again.”

“God, you’re so perceptive!”

“I was trained to know truth from lies,” she said smugly.

“I wish I could do that! I’m surprisingly gullible at times!” I lamented.

“My master taught me that you have to clear your mind of what’s unnecessary and focus on what matters most.”

“Really? Your master sounds cool!”

“Oh, she really is! Believe it or not, she’s Julia Victus! Julia of the Five heroes.”

“No way! The five heroes?”

“Yes! The five heroes!” she said happily.

“Who are they?” I asked.

“…”

“What?”

“You’re not lying this time,” she said in shock.

“Why would I? If I don’t know something, I don’t know it.”

“Uh, they were the ones who defeated the Kezren Empire? They stopped Emperor Kriegorn from opening the black gate and feeding the entire world to demons?”

“Whoa! That’s the kind of backstory that sounds like it really matters! Wooo, I bet you could build a franchise on it if it’s good enough. Sure does sound derivative, though.”

“Hey! My master’s legendary heroics are not derivative of anything,” the girl said in a huff.

“Okay, okay, not trying to offend you,” I said. “So, which one of them went bad?”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Well, you just exposited some pretty important details, didn’t you? Your master was part of the hero’s party, now you, her obvious replacement, are running around doing important things in her stead, so clearly the past has come back to haunt the world in some nefarious but obvious in hindsight way, right?”

“Umm. Well, we’re protecting the granddaughter of the leader of the five heroes—”

“Okay! Well, there you go. He’s the bad guy now. Probably got corrupted by demon gunk or something during the last battle. Happens a lot in these kinds of stories.” I nodded.

“Wrong! The leader of the heroes was Count Langier, and he died years ago,” the girl said triumphantly.

“Okay, but did he have a son?”

“…Yes.”

“And did his son inherit all of his legendary strength and charisma and stuff?”

“…He has been hailed as the second coming of his father, yes…”

“Welp, there you go! Daddy issues! The number one cause of murderous villainy among the idle rich.”

“Axel, you can’t be serious about this.”

“Hey, just think about it from his perspective. Day after day, everyone compared him to his legendary daddy, but he could never win his dad’s respect, probably due to Boomer issues, so he eventually grew to hate his old man.”

“Continue,” she said thoughtfully.

“I will! Next, his dad died before his son could avenge his hurt feelings, but everyone around him still kept comparing them to each other! Nothing he accomplished ever counted as his own achievement! No matter what he did, someone would say: You’re just as amazing as your father was! Or The apple doesn't fall far from the tree! Heh, wouldn’t that drive you nuts after a while? Knowing you’d always be compared to a dead man you hated?”

“I…think it might,” the girl agreed.

“Okay, so, one night, after years of his resentment eating away at him, he snapped and made a big declarative statement outlining his newfound commitment to evil. Probably something to the effect of: I’ll destroy my father’s legacy and make his name which they all LOVE so much, into one they’ll CURSE FOREVER! It’s all very dramatic.

"Then, because it’s a fantasy story, he made a pact with the forces of Hell and now plans to sacrifice a loved one to a demon for power. Probably the girl you're guarding.”

“Wow,” the girl said, stunned. "You've got this all figured out."

“Right? It seems like wealthy people can afford anything they want except good therapy.”

Suddenly, the girl had her daggers back out. And this time the look in her eyes wasn’t amused. It was merciless.

“Seems that master Julia was right. Give a criminal an opportunity to hang himself with his own words, and nine times out of ten, he’ll take it!”

I wanted to ask her where what research group she’d deployed to gain those statistics, but she had her knife against my throat again.

“Well, I didn’t expect to learn the entire plan in one go, but I’m grateful for your loose lips,” she said.

“Miss? I thought we were just theory crafting.” I slowly said.

“Sorry, Axel. My craft doesn’t include theories. Just…Justice!”

“Just…Justice?”

“Yeah. Got a problem with it?”

“Nothing…just sounds a little alliterative is all.”

“What a sad choice for your last words. Any final regrets?”

“I regret not convincing you to sleep with me!”

“Maybe in a kinder world, evildoer.”

“Did you really call me an evildoer—AGHHH!”

With a fountaining splash of arterial spray, I was out. She sheathed her blade regretfully and stepped away. “I wish you had chosen a better path,” she said. Then she walked away.

Wow. That was one fiery redhead!

You know, on second thought, as pretty as she was, I think I’d be better off avoiding any further contact with her. Babe though she was, she was way too much of a power ranger. I had enough of my own issues to deal with. Never stick your finger in a moving fan blade, and never pursue a relationship with a crazy person! That’s just sensible advice.

After I got back up, I saw with some dismay that my Sonic Youth shirt was now coated in fresh blood. Darn it! You go to the effort of making yourself presentable then someone goes and slits your throat! Why is nothing ever easy in life.

A moment later, the doors crashed back open and three guys in armor came in with the girl and forced her face down on the floor, pinning her arms behind her.

“Scum! Slaves! Fools! Murderers! Get your goddamned hands off me!” she screamed, while spitting at them.

Three more armored men came stomping in after them, one of whom began kicking the girl in the head.

“Got you now, bitch! Got you now!” he hooted in triumph. “It’s fucking over! Now where’s the girl?”

“Check your ass, Imperialist!” she snarled.

“Always with the backtalk with these Eun Malum witches!” he snarled. He dropped to a knee and grabbed the girl by her hair. “You know who isn’t talking shit anymore, kid? Your beloved master, Julia.”

The girl paused in her struggling. “W-what?” she asked.

“Hate to be the one to tell you this, no, scratch that, I’m delighted to be the one to tell you this: That filthy traitor, Julia Victus is dead. Captain Denard pulled her heart out and ate it like an apple! He offered the rest of us a bite, and when we passed, he swallowed it in one gulp then pissed on the corpse’s face! You’re all alone now, little girl!”

“You son of a bitch…you sons of bitches!” she screamed.

“Anyone hear this little sow back-sass the law? That deserves a response, doesn’t it, boys?” their leader said. He then lifted up a heavy cudgel and brought it down viciously on the girl’s skull. Once, twice, thrice! Jeez, if he kept that abuse up, he was really going to kill her! She was completely helpless!

Ha! Like I cared! Slit my throat, will you? Pfffft on you!

I left them to their business and tried to walk past them, but then one of the soldiers said: “Hey, who the hell is this guy?”

“Just an ordinary citizen on the way to the market,” I calmly replied.

“What sort of clothing is that? And why’s it covered in blood?”

“She did it!” I said immediately, pointing an accusing finger at the cute but now battered redhead.

“It was her! She came across me and said “I’m Cutthroat McGuilicuty! And I want to cut your throat!” And I said, no, please! I still haven’t gotten married! And then Cutthroat said “My knife will marry your throat! And then it will forcibly penetrate it, because it does not respect marital consent!” And officers…it didn’t!”

“Someone get a scrying glass up and tell me who this idiot is,” their leader said.

Hey! Name calling!

One of them raised what looked like a hand mirror and waved it at me while staring intently at it. “Sir! This guy has an open bounty on him, all the way back home! Morrison Cobb, formerly of Duskvale! Wanted for massacring his coworkers with an axe! He's a total maniac!”

“Uh, who the hell is Morrison Cobb?” I asked in confusion.

“Nice try, asshole, now kiss the ground!”

I was getting really sick of people pointing weapons at me. I told them so, too.

“Today just ain’t your day then, huh prick?”

“I guess not,” I said evenly.

Then, I smiled.

__

Denard wondered what was taking so long. Julia’s apprentice would be clever, true, but there was only so much distance she could put between herself and his men while dragging a child in tow. There should have been news by now.

Concerned, he headed to the main entryway of the estate where his men had breached the building. It was quiet. Why was it so quiet? Where was everyone? What was happening?

“Caaaaaaptaaaaaaain!” came a distant sounding wail, so filled with pain and hopelessness that it pulled at something in Denard’s chest. “I’m here! I’m here, hold on!” he yelled, bursting into a sprint and running inside the building, past the receiving room and into the dining chambers where—

“Oh. Oh, by the gods above me,” he whispered.

His men were not men anymore. They were now something else. Something resembling art, if art were something carved from once-living flesh. This was worse than what Julia’s spell had done earlier. Far worse. This was deliberate, and cruel, and slowly wrought. There was even a sense of…humor about it? Was that the right word? Humor?

Limbs everywhere. Organs everywhere. Blood everywhere.

Someone’s head was on the table. His lips had been carefully peeled away to make it look like he was smiling.

Someone had enjoyed this.

“Mom?” said a whispery voice.

A young man he recognized as Varner was sitting against a wall, with his belly slashed open and everything it once contained within, now spilled out onto his lap.

“Varner!” Denard yelled, racing to the dying man’s side.

“Hey, mom,” Varner said with a dazed smile on his face. “I got the job. But this…is...just step one. I’m gonna get all the training I need, then I’m gonna-then I’m gonna-then I’m gonna (cough!) be an adventurer! Gonna beat a dungeon, mom, gonna come back rich! Then I can take care of you! You won’t have to worry! I love you, mom.”

“… I’m sorry we argued. I just want you to be proud of me.”

“Goddamn it,” Denard said with tears in his eyes.

“H-hey, captain!” Varner said. “Hey, Captain, this job is pretty hard, huh? I’m really trying.”

“You’re doing a great job, kid.” Denard said quietly.

“Really? I’m glad. Can you tell my mom that? Can you tell her I tried?”

“I swear it on my life, kid. I’ll tell her.”

“This really hurts, Captain. I’m scared.”

“I’m with you, kid. I’m right here with you.”

Varner began crying. He cried helpless, childlike wails, and Denard could do nothing for him. Then Varner began trembling and did so for a full minute before he was finally still. All the while, Denard stayed with him, holding his hand until it was over.

Telling him how brave he was.

The door to the dining room opened, and a whistling man entered the room.

He was covered in blood.

“Hey,” the stranger said.

“Hey,” Denard replied blankly.

“Question: Do you know how to get red stains off white clothing?” the stranger asked as he pointed at his shirt.

Denard looked carefully around the room. Then he asked: “Did you do all this?”

“Guilty as charged!” was the cheerful reply.

“Okay,” Denard said. He closed Varner’s eyes then stood up. The huge man then walked over to the stranger and loomed over him, his large hands opening and closing and opening and closing. He stared at the stranger with wide, wild eyes.

“I’m Denard.”

“Hey, Denard.”

“You just killed a lot of good men.”

“Is that right?”

“It is.”

“Okay. Hey, Denard?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you think you’re going to do something about it?”

Denard grinned.