Reincarnated as an AXE!

“Papa, where’s Lydia been?” Lucy asked her father the next morning. “Why ain’t she been around?”

Billy Bumblebelly reached down and picked up his daughter and placed her on his knee, then gave her a kiss on the forehead and said: “Well, sweetie, I’ve been bumblin’ told that Miss Lydia just ain’t going to be coming around no more.”

“Oh, Papa! Why not?” asked the surprised and now unhappy Lucy.

“Well, princess, for reasons I can’t say right now, Miss Lydia has moved on from this bumblin’ world. She’s eating sweetcakes with your mama and your big sister right now.”

“What? Why? Miss Lydia is dead?!” cried Lucy.

“Oh, Lucy, Lucy, don’t you cry, sweetie pie! These things just happen. An’ it’s like they teach us in sermon school, the happy man in the sky loves us all and sometimes he loves us so much, he calls us early to his side. That happened with your ma an’ your sister, and now that’s what happened to Miss Lydia. They’re in a better place now, anyway. One where the sins of this unhappy world can no longer lay claim to them.”

“Really?” asked Lucy.

“Oh, honey, yes! Especially, Miss Lydia! She’ll be as clean as sweet apple water, yes sir. She won’t be making any mistakes in her future now, mmm hmm. Now, why don’t you go play with your new friend Max?”

Lucy grew quiet at the suggestion. Billy raised an eyebrow.

“Now, what’s with that bumblin’ face? Ain’t you and Max tighter than tied twine?”

“Papa, Max has been acting all weird. He goes out at night, and when he comes back, he won’t say what he’s been doing. Last night when I saw him, he was covered in blood…”

“What? Bumblin’ blood! What sort of mischief has our new friend gotten involved in?”

“I don’t know, Papa. But…sometimes he scares me.”

“Sweetie, I told you he was a magical axe. Magical things are a different kind’a folk than the rest of us. Things you might find scary about him might just be his normal way of being himself. Don’t be so quick to decide he’s up to bad things—"

“Bad what now?” asked Max as he came floating into the room.

“It’s nothing, Max,” Billy said reassuringly. “Lucy was just coming to me to express a little concern about some of your behavior, and I was just lettin’ her know that was just you following your way was all—

“Is that right, Lucy?” Max asked. “Is what your papa said true?”

“Yeah…” Lucy said quietly.

“If you must know, Lucy, I like to go flying at night. I only recently learned the skill and if I want to improve at it, I have to practice. Also, there are some big owls around here, and I didn't like the way they'd circle around the house! So, I took care of them! You could have just asked me if you wanted to know. Because we’re friends, and friends don’t keep secrets…right?”

“Right,” agreed Lucy reluctantly. “But you wouldn't say what you were doing was all!”

“I kept it secret because I wanted to take you flying with me, Lucy! I wanted to take you far into the sky to see the world like an angel does! To dance among the clouds and drink fresh rainwater as it sprinkles down! Oh, it would have been so much fun! It would have been the experience of your life! But now, I just don’t know. I mean who’d want to spend any time with a Betty Blabbermouth?”

“I-I’m not a blabbermouth,” Lucy said tearfully.

“Liar! Liar, liar, Lucy the liar! The very instant I did something you didn’t like, you tried to snitch me out! Best friends are supposed to keep their secrets forever and never ever tell on each other! You’re a bad friend, Lucy!”

“N-no I’m not!”

“Billy, did you knooow that Lucy wanted Lydia to disappear FOREVER? Her exact words were, I want her to go away forever! Did you know about that, Billy? And I can’t help but notice that Lydia hasn’t been on hand these last few days, hmmmm?”

“Max, that’s tattling!” shouted a now furious Lucy

“Well, that’s how it feels! See how you like it! Wait, what are you doing?”

Lucy leapt from her father’s lap and gave Max’s handle a rough pinch!

“Ow, you pinched me! You’re so mean! I hate you now!” Max said.

“Well, I bumblin’ hate you too!” Lucy shouted.

“THAT IS ENOUGH!” Billy said in his loudest only adult in the room-voice. “You two separate right now! If’n you can’t be nice, then you can’t be around each other!”

“But Biiiiiiiiilly! She pinched me! Lucy didn’t use her words!” whined Max.

“You’re a big bumblin’ pussywillow, how’s them words?” Lucy asked him.

“Lucy, you go to your room! Max, you go to the utility shed! I will have peace in my home, by the happy man in the sky, I will!"

“Awwww!” whined Max. But he obeyed.

“Awwww!” Whined Lucy as well. But she also obeyed.

When the two were away, Billy sat in his seat, his mood now thoroughly funked. Kids could be a real handful, he knew. Oh, how he wished the missus was still here on this earth, to help him guide the l’il ones!

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

“Well, who could that bumblin’ be?” Billy wondered. When he answered the door to find out, a tube sock filled with copper coins came swinging down as hard as a leather sap and put his lights out but good!

“Got you now, you dirty, dirty rat,” hissed Horace Baddieburr between clenched teeth.

__

“Drag him out, runt!” Horace commanded Scotty. “Take him to his own barn an’ hang him up by his wrists!”

“What’s gonna’ happen then, daddy?” Scotty asked, as he grabbed Billy by his legs to pull him away.

“We’re gonna’ take our time, runt. We’re gonna’ make him confess what he done, an’ then we’re gonna’ git Justice for my boy!” thundered Horace. He spat on the unconscious Billy and gave him a vicious kick to the ribs. “Oh, how he’ll pay! Oh, how he will pay!”

Trembling in fear, Lucy watched everything happening from the top of the stairs.

“Oh, no! Papa!” she whispered fearfully to herself. “The Baddieburrs have well and truly cracked their last walnut! I need t’get help! But what can I do? ‘ol Horace is blocking the door!”

As if he could hear her whispered words, Horace suddenly looked up and locked eyes with Lucy.

“There you are!” he growled. “Git on down here, little mouse! Don’t you make me chase you! You make me chase you an’ you’ll git double what your vermin family has comin’!”

“This is our house, you bat-crazy Baddieburr! You get off’a our land an’ leave my Pa alone, or I’ll bring the bumblin' law down on you!” Lucy yelled back, trying to sound braver than she actually felt.

“There are higher laws than the laws of mortal men, you squeaking little parasite!” Horace yelled back. “The laws of blood an’ justice! The law of eye for an eye, fang for a fang, paw for a paw! You filthy Bubblebellys have stood in the way o’my family’s prosperity an’ happiness for far too long, an’ now yer flat out murderin’ us! AN' I WON’T ABIDE IT!”

“Make your point, Horrace! You make as much sense as a mummy with a toothache!” Lucy yelled.

"This is my point!” Horace screamed. He held up a quarter-filled glass bottle of hootch with another of his old socks jutting out of its neck. Then he lit the end of it and prepared to throw it.

“Don’t do it!” Lucy shrieked in terror. “Don’t you do it, you crazy ol’ badger!”

“T’HELL with you, little girl! T’HELL with all Bubblebellys! BURN! ALL OF YOU JUS’ BURN!”

Horace threw the blazing bottle, which then shattered against the stairwell and spread flame and smoke every which way! Lucy began coughing just as Horace began laughing.

“This is for you, Scooter! I love you, son! I love you! Your pa ain’t never gonna’ let this evil stand!” Horace cackled. He then exited the farmhouse, taking a moment to lock up behind himself as he did so.

Then he began walking to the barn.

“Now you git yers, Billy Bubblebelly,” he vowed.

__

Lucy tried desperately to still the terror that was now threatening to overwhelm her. The smoke had spread so much faster than Lucy ever would have believed! Everything in her home was burning! Burning! And if she couldn’t get out of there, so would she!

No, no! I can’t give in t’panic! Someone has to save Pa! Yes, that was right! She had to keep calm! She was a Bubblebelly, and no Baddieburr had ever gotten one over on a Bubblebelly! She’d survive this! She just had to figure out how.

It’s too high from my room to jump. I need to get in the den and then out the front door, she decided. But how? The fire had started in the stairwell, and she’d be roasted alive trying to do down that way. It was too dangerous!

But then she had an idea!

She raced to her room as quickly as she could, and with a strength born of desperation, she ripped her blankets and sheets off her bed, then quickly snatched her mattress off of the box spring. Then she pulled it over to the banister overlooking the den and threw it to the first floor. Then, after a few moments of hesitation, she climbed over the banister herself.

Please work, please work, please work! She squeaked to herself. Then she jumped!

The landing was not pleasant! But nothing seemed to be broken either. And with all the smoke swiftly stealing the air from her lungs, she had no time to complain about the pain! She was so close to safety!

Lucy quickly scurried over to the front door and grabbed the doorknob. Then she squealed in pain.

Oh hot, so hot, too hot! She couldn’t get the door open! And now her paws had been blistered by the searing heat that had been absorbed by the brass knob. She was doomed! Oh, Pa, I’m so bumblin’ sorry! she thought to herself as fresh tears began to run down her cheeks. I tried though; I really did!

Seeing that this was now the end, Lucy dropped to her knees and began to pray.

Oh, Happy man in the sky, please hear my humble plea! Won’t you please guide my soul to paradise, that I might see my family once more? And once you’ve done so, won’t you also strike down my hated enemies with many virulent diseases for which there is no cure? Let them choke on bloodied phlegm, as parasites feast on their sensitive organs! Let them know horror and sorrow in equal amounts but offer them no relief until their final agonized breaths! In your glorious name I pray, Amen!

That settled, Lucy prepared herself for death. But then the front door came smashing open! And who should her gallant rescuer be? Why none other than:

“Constable Carrot!” she gleefully exclaimed.

“This way, Lucy! Let’s get you outside!” The constable shouted, quickly snatching her into his arms and bounding out of the burning home with Jackrabbit speed.

“Are you okay, Lucy? Is there anyone else inside?” he asked her a few moments later.

“I’m fine, Constable! Well, I burned my paws a little, but otherwise I’m fine! But them bumblin’ Baddieburrs have gone poco loco! They got my Pa!” Lucy said urgently.

“The Baddieburrs? But why would they take your Pa?” Carrot asked in confusion.

“Oh, I wish I knew, Constable! Could this have anything to do with what happened to Miss Lydia?” Lucy asked.

“Wait, what?” asked Constable Carrot. “Lucy, how do you know about what happened to Lydia Whiskerwit? We haven’t shared that information with anyone but her family.”

“Well, my Pa told me! He told me all about it!” Lucy said.

“But that can’t be! He shouldn’t know a thing about it—AHHH! What the—?”

Constable Carrot lurched to the ground, howling in pain as blood began spurting from his wounded side. From the shadows stepped his assailant. It was none other than Patrolman Pig, wearing a blank expression on his face while wielding his police issue Bee-Bee gun.

“Pig?” moaned Carrot. “Pig, what have you done? You stung me!”

“’Spose I did,” Pig said evenly. “Sorry about this, Carrot. I don’t really care much for hoppers, but I really didn’t mind you all that much. But if you keep digging at this patch, you might dig up some things best left buried, so off you go now.”

“No…not like this…” Carrot said weakly. "Not like this..."

But it did end like that. With a stinger jutting from his forehead.

“All right mouse, up you git,” said Patrolman Pig, now pointing his weapon at Lucy. “Let’s go see how yer pa is doing.”

__

Crack! went the whip as it struck Billy Bubblebelly down his back.

"You gonna' scream for me, boy? You gonna' beg mercy for what you done?" raged Horace Baddieburr.

Billy did not beg for mercy. But he did smile.

"Beg mercy for what, Horace? Iwelcome this," he said through a bleeding lunatic's grin.

Concluded next chapter.