Reincarnated as an AXE!

A vampire stood before me and declared that she was going to take my life.

Hey, that's pretty interesting, right? I don't know too many people who've experienced a moment like this! But then again, being an axe was all about being the most interesting person in the room, wasn't it?

I certainly thought so. But then again, I am biased.

Okay. Steady, Max. Steady.

Now was not the time to panic. I could definitely get myself out of this situation; it would just take a little application of my gray matter. Victory didn’t always go to the strongest fighter, after all.

Being clever counts for a lot too!

“Hmph! You’re interfering with my little game, child!” I snarled melodramatically with a vaguely eastern European accent, as I swept my cloak behind me in an imperious manner.

"Child?" Clarity asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Indeed! You must be young to the night to dare impede my plans! Were it not for your amusing ignorance, I would destroy you where you stood for your impudence!”

“Huh?” said Clarity, as she cocked her head in puzzlement. “Uhhh, what do you mean?”

“What do I mean? Ha! Ha! Ha! You are bold to question Duke Maximus Deacon Frost Lugosi! The butcher of Transyl-romania!”

“Uh, the butcher of what now? Seriously, I don’t recall ever before hearing your name.”

“You Impudent daughter of a dog!” I seethed. “How dare you fail to know the name of your better!”

“Heeey, there’s no need to call names!” Clarity said in an annoyance.

“I will always call a fool a fool, when they behave so foolishly!” I declared. “Your ignorance now offends me, Clarity! Perhaps I should devour you, like I would a virgin bride on her wedding night, which would surely be a great source of frustration to her, because she held out until she was twenty-four years old before finally getting engaged!"

"Twenty-four years?" gasped Clarity.

"Indeed! That is the average age young people get married, I think, and waiting until you’re married to trade in your V-card is really difficult! But you know what? She did it anyway and now she’s very proud of herself!”

“She should be! That’s a lot of temptation to avoid!” Clarity said.

“I agree!" I shouted. “She didn’t even do any necking! She was very careful, and always made sure to be in bed by nine! By herself, that is! But then boom! Just when all her self-discipline is about to pay off on what society has conditioned her to believe would be the happiest night of her life, here I come to suck her bloooood!”

“Oh, no! You must be a fiend!” Clarity said with widened eyes.

“Indeed, I am! Just ask passengers of the Titanic before I fired the stinger missile that sank it! The glacier was innocent! But no one will ever believe it! I’m a big deal, Clarity! A big deal of evil!”

“I don’t know what any of that meant, but are you really claiming to be a fellow child of the sunless realm?” Clarity asked me.

“Uh, yeah? Should I have just flat out said I was a vampire? I thought adding some poetic flourishes and bragging about my achievements would get the point across. Hey, check out my eyes! They’re glowing red in the dark! Pretty freaky, huh? You can run away if you want, I don’t mind.”

“Why don’t you smell like one of us, then? You smell sweaty. We don’t sweat.”

“That’s not my sweat! It’s spatter from all those guys I killed. Sweat spatter.”

“Ewww. That’s unsanitary! Why don’t you turn into mist and let that stuff dissipate?”

“Because I’m undercover! I was doing some next-level spy shit! But now you’ve exposed me to the enemy, so thanks, jerk!”

Clarity snorted derisively. “Stop. Just stop. I can hear your heart beating, you dummy!”

“...What?”

“I said I can hear your heart beating! God, do you think you’re the only one who’s ever tried to pass as a vampire? We’re not zombies, stupid! You can’t just rub guts over your clothes and grunt your way through a mob. And can I add something else?”

“Yes?”

“Cool. That was the single worst vampire impersonation I’ve ever seen. Like, absolute trash! If your acting skills were single use plastic, I wouldn’t bother having them recycled! What the hell was that accent supposed to be? You looked like an absolute noodle!”

“Hey!” I said angrily. “Even if it wasn’t a great idea, there’s no reason to be so stuck up about it! Your words are hurtful!”

In a flash, Clarity was on me. Her fist caught me under the chin in a classic uppercut that sent me flying into the air. And when I say into the air, I meant about twenty feet or so. As I plummeted back down, she followed up her strike with a beautifully delivered spinning kick that sent me smashing into one of the encircled wagons.

“I bet that was more hurtful,” she said smugly.

I couldn’t disagree. But I did anyway, because I’m prideful.

I groggily arose from the ground and wiped some blood off my chin. After brushing some woodchips and splinters out of my hair, I turned back towards her.

“Are you sure?” I asked. “It feels like I just got slapped by an irate toddler.”

This time, she backhanded me into a tree. Then she made a gesture that sent me flying back towards her, so she could backhand me again. And again. And again. After the fifth time, I realized she was playing paddle ball with me, and worst of all, she was enjoying herself.

Yeah, yeah, laugh it up! But let’s see what she makes of this!

I managed to twist myself out of the way of her final strike. As the momentum carried me past her, I quickly pivoted and wrapped my legs around her waist from behind, while getting the handle of my axe tight against her throat. Then, I pulled back as hard as I could!

Then I did it again! And again! And again!

Hmmm. By this point, I would have expected to hear the sound of a neck being broken or a throat being crushed or the like. Clarity hadn’t suffered either of those injuries. Instead, she stood there quietly, waiting patiently for me to stop embarrassing myself.

When I realized this short woman was now standing there, with me on her back piggyback style, like I was a tired kindergartner, it filled me with a fair bit of shame. I lowered my feet to the ground and took a step away from her.

“Sorry,” I said to her. “Just thought that would work, was all.”

“It’s fine,” she smiled. “Honestly! Don’t feel embarrassed. It's my face, I look young, I get it! A lot of people like to fuck around and find out, y'know?"

"I guess," I said.

"They do!" she insisted. "But hey, seriously! You should have been broken in half by now! I could have sworn you folded on landing a few times.”

“I’m really durable,” I informed her. "But, hey, can I make an observation?"

"Go ahead."

"You don't speak like you're from this place. By which I mean, this planet. Were you reincarnated here?"

"No, way! Holy shit, are you from Earth too?" Clarity exclaimed.

"Detroit Michigan, born and raised!"

“Motor city! Oh, I always wanted to see that place in person!”

“Probably too late for that now,” I said.

“Uh, no fucking duh?" she snarked. "Died twice since then, haven't I?"

"It's not too late to see this, though." I replied.

"See what?" she asked.

Shlk!

I threw my axe at her head as hard as I could and was rewarded with the sight of it being embedded into her face. But before I could begin gloating, Clarity calmly removed it and tossed it aside.

“Hmmm,” she said. “I should have expected that from a Lion's fan. Judges score: 8.0, 8.0, 6.5.”

“Shit!” I cursed. “Do I get a redo?”

Clarity responded by dashing towards me once more and punching a ragged hole in my stomach.

“I'm thinking, no?” she said with a smile.

__

Libby? I’m not having a very good time here.

I didn’t expect you would be, Max. She’s tearing you apart like a ball of cotton.

Oh, I like that! that’s very descriptive. Owwww! And it's accurate, too!

I thought so as well.

So, hey, I don’t want to seem upset with you, I know you do a lot for me, but Libby? Why are my powers still sealed?

…

Silence isn’t an appropriate response, Lib! Why are you handicapping me like this?

I was hoping your present body would be sufficient to drive the vampire away.

Well, it isn’t! And I should know; I’m the one being pressed into a Manwich over here!

…

Libby! Come on, this is not helpful!

Max, our present predicament has placed me in the midst of a moral crisis.

You have morality? When did that happen?

Max, it’s flippant responses like those which are exacerbating my anxiety.

Huh? Smaller words please!

Max, what will you do if I reactivate all of your abilities?

Kill her or run away!

I was afraid you’d say something like that.

__

“Hey, where’s your head at?” Clarity asked as she pulled her fist free of the sucking wound she’d made in my torso.

“…Sorry. I’m a….million miles….away,” I muttered. I fell on my back and clutched at my wound, groaning in agony as I did so. “First time anyone’s ever done that to me,” I said.

“Really?” Clarity asked perkily. She crouched down to take a closer look at her handiwork. “Ohhh, does that make me your first? I feel flattered! Am I blushing? I'm blushing, aren't I?”

She licked her bloodied fist and made a surprised but pleased sound. "Oh! Oh, this is tangy! Wow, what is running through your veins, Max?"

"The whole story's so convoluted, it would bore you to tears," I said.

"It is? Oh, hard pass then. Thanks for the warning."

“Not a problem. Hey, you really do seem too nice to be running around committing attempted genocide, Clarity,” I said. “Is there any chance you’ll be really cool and walk away?"

“Well, thank you for the compliment, but I assure you, that's not going to happen,” she replied. “These people still have to pay for what they did.”

“And what was it they did, exactly?”

“I already said! They hurt my master! They bound him beneath their precious temple and tortured him with sunlight and blessings! Day after day for three centuries! Can you even begin to imagine his suffering? What kind of sadistic fucks are these …these animals?”

"You're three hundred years old?"

"Uh huh."

"How's that work? I thought we were from the same era?"

"We probably were! But us incarnates get dropped all along this world's timeline."

“Ooooh. So, wow, you really have been waiting a long time to avenge your vampire daddy. Well, I guess I can understand your grudge, now.”

“You guess? You guess you can understand?” she asked while wearing an ominously blank expression.

“Yeeeeeah. I’m not big on familial obligations. I get the concept, see, but I’ve never felt the urge to follow through on them? Seems like too much work. Man, holding a grudge for three hundred years? You must be one dutiful daughter.”

“I don’t like how you say that, Max. It feels patronizing.”

“Does it? Shoot! I really wish I knew how to read the room better.”

Maaaax.Stop antagonizing her! Vampires are very hierarchal and won’t hesitate to assert themselves over their perceived inferiors.

“Me? Inferior to her? You’re joking! She’s not even doing this for herself. She just wants to score brownie points with her parental substitute! It kind of smacks of daddy issues to me.”

“Sorry, are you addressing me?” Clarity asked.

“Oh, I said the quiet part out loud, didn’t I? Sorry, multitasking conversations can be tricky.”

“you’re saying I don’t have your full attention? Really? How about now?” Clarity asked before plunging her finger into my right eye.

You ever heard that song, The Red by Chevelle? It has that chorus where the singer screams Seeing Red again, for like five minutes. Those lyrics felt pretty ironic at the moment, because now I too was seeing red.

“Well?” Clarity murmured. “Make a joke now. Make a joke now, I dare you.”

“What’s a snowman’s favorite rice?”

“Huh?”

“White rice!”

I kind of blanked out there for a bit after Clarity kicked me in the head. Her eyes were glowing, and her teeth were bare.

Max, STOP. You’re triggering a vampiric frenzy!

How am I doing that?

They’re EXTREMELY egotistical creatures. The less respect you show, the more obsessed she’ll become with making you submit!

How long until sunrise?

What?

I asked you how long it was until sunrise?! Come on, Libby! Stay focused! You’re usually so much better than this.

Twenty minutes.

So, let’s get her frenzied then! Have you noticed her henchmen have stopped attacking? If we keep her focused on me, then we can run out the clock!

I…I see. I understand, Max.

Cool. Unlock [Troll Regeneration] and [Dominate Minion].

…Max, I don’t know if you can be trusted with those right now…

Libby, for God’s sake, you are killing me, right now! I mean, not literally, Clarity’s taking care of that part, but all this hesitation and waffling? It's just awful! Do I have a vitamin deficiency or something? Is that what’s causing you to be so spastic?

Max, it’s just…we’ve done so many awful things, and these people—

Explain it later, Libby! Just those two skills and no others, okay?

…All right. All right. I’m now unlocking [Troll Regeneration] and [Dominate Minion].

Thaaaaaank yooooooou.

“Pay attention to me!” Clarity screamed.

Awww. She was holding me up by my throat! Once again, someone else was Vadering me!

One day, Max. One day, your time will come.

But when?