(Resumed) Solstice

[Emmett]

It was in a library, working with classmates and maybe a friend or two on class assignments, that I learned about the topic of Necroturgy.

Necroturgy is a classification given to any Magick that consumes or erodes Lifeforce. This is a separate concept from that of Necromancy, the Magick of raising and commanding the dead, but it is just as illegal and equally reviled. Specifically, necroturgical attacks target the Soul to decimate the life energy within. Let the gravitas be clear: Lifeforce cannot be replenished with Healing Magick or dislodged if a particularly nasty Magus chooses to embed their own Lifeforce into a wound.

It is not a subject taught in CVAC or any other respectable institution, but it doesn't take a Professor's education to deduce that one method is to pervert the Concept of Healing.

Ser Larsen claimed he had to use Redistributor Arrays to push the trauma from my heart to the rest of my body.

However: harm, trauma, and death aren't things that exist, much like coldness is not a thing that exists.

This meant what really happened was the forceful reallocation of my life energy from everywhere else into my heart. This was Necroturgy on a student who could not have consented, not that it would have mattered in the eyes of the magistrates if I did.

Grace had pulled me aside to warn me of this. I dared not question how she knew any of this.

Patrick had looked about as lost as I had at the time. He'd spent that time looking at the left arm he said he burnt up to melt the flesh off of Breckenbale's face.

As for Ansel... a stone-cold fury had eclipsed his departure. I knew in my heart that he would confront Ser Larsen over that. I'd tried to stop him but the two women barred my passage. In unison they said I'd wear myself out trying to stop him and might lose myself in the process.

A part of me had felt fears in both of their presences, but the shades differed: Selene's was a pure scare, borne of compassion and concern for her newfound... well, I couldn't call myself her friend yet, but I'd like to. Grace's was different. Concern was there, but it bore a shackling darkness. Was it empathy? I couldn't tell, not that I had any clue how I assessed any of this anyway, but it bore a likeness to a burden Grace would much rather not be bearing.

Either way, to advance was forbidden. I stayed put, consoled with the reassurance that Ansel would rather I give this trouble considerable distance.

A few moments after, Patrick announced his intent to depart as well. Grace joined him, leaving me with Selene.

We had finished up some more classwork. After that, she accompanied me to my room, ensuring I could at least open the accursed door.

"I'll be back tomorrow so sleep tight!" she said.

I nodded.

"And I'll make sure Ansel's okay. I got in your way; least I could do is make sure your spirit is heard."

"Th-" I felt my cheeks flush. I couldn't even finish a simple sentence.

Selene lit up with mirth. "I'll see you tomorrow, Emmett."

She closed the door, I climbed into bed, and my light went out.

Sunday morning woke me with sunlight and a melodious door knock. My eyes fluttered open and my golem-esque musculature push me off the bed. The fatigue and myalgia had settled right on in, yet my gayety swelled to match. "Come in!"

The doorknob clacked thrice in vain. "It's locked!" I heard Selene's voice ring.

Oh, right. I shambled, garbed in wrinkled robes, to open the door for the woman who had indeed followed through on her word.

Selene's smile broke the hallway decor and her light hop pulled the corners of my mouth to the sky. "Good afternoon!"

After-what?! I frantically looked every which way.

Selene's tongue flicked out of her lips. "Seeing as you just got out of bed, it was right of me to wait until thirteen thirty to pick you up. You really needed the rest." Without skipping a beat, she held out a lettuce wrap with what looked to be cooked eggs, tomato slices, and carrot pieces inside. "I brought this for you! Normally I wouldn't have used the eggs, but you need the energy!"

My feet pushed back a few steps. "R-r-really?!"

Selene chirped. "I want to be your friend, silly! Friends do this with each other."

I slowly pulled myself forward, taking the apparent ration into my hands. "Dang. I... wow. Th- thank you."

"Anytime!" Selene fastened her hand onto my wrist before I could so much as take a bite. "Come on; let's go! You can eat on the way!"

And that's what ended up happening: she led me out of my room, down the stairs, past the front desk, and out the door.

I noticed there weren't quite as many students roaming about. Between mouthfuls, I asked what that was about, and Selene's words petrified me.

"The Emissaries are back."

The Emissaries of Total Salvation, that mysterious band of cloaks that took my mother and father from me, took my home away from me, took Patrick's friendship away from me. They were back and in full force.

Every Combat-Coded Expedition Squad in the Colleges had been activated while I was comatose. Fully three-quarters of them at a time were deployed to the provinces north of us to locate and fight off the impending campaign, while the fourth stood in reserve to aid the faculty in case of ambush.

Samael's gonna be pissed I was asleep. Not like there was anything I could do about it.

As for Freya, Selene mentioned that her Squad, the Left Tenants, was a Presidential Squad, meaning their Sponsor was Headmaster Clarent himself, and as such they were allowed to bend and break the rules normally in force. In this case, they exercised the privilege of partial deployment, the Scions of the Triumvirate moving on their own to fight against the second coming of the Eldest Crusades.

"If everything's gone to wastes," I asked, "Why'd you two stay?"

Selene shook her head and gestured toward an empty field with a tree here or there, the very same field where I first heard about transcasting. "I'm not much of a fighter and Ansel wanted to stay with me out of solidarity. However, I think he was far more worried about you. Every minute he could, he waited outside your room while you healed."

"Hey!" A voice cut into our conversation, with its dark-skinned blue-robed cheery bearer following in bounds. "Stop embarrassing me in front of them!"

I buried my blush in my palms. 

"Ansel!" Selene called, "Wha- how?! I thought you'd have been done for!"

Ansel stood silent for a few breaths before uttering his reply. "Em's Squadmates stopped me."

I froze again. Why would Grace interfere with what was ultimately my business? Why the Heavens and Havens would Patrick?

Selene's voice broke the silent hold on my standing corpse. "And you let them?"

Ansel hung his head down. "I- I had to."

I stepped toward Ansel with my arms open but he held his arm out, palm facing me straight-on.

"I was going to give Ser Larsen a piece of my mind. I was lost in a rage. I had screamed at the both of them for getting in the way, and a part of me was ready to mow them down."

My breath hitched. Ansel was strong, but he was Unattuned and honest. He was a poor match against Grace by herself, let alone the both of them. Even if he had an Element, Grace would probably just slit his throat without a shred of remorse if it came to it.

Ansel continued. "Then... Grace walked up and apologised. Said she saw my pain and even agreed to it. Then Patrick asked me something crucial."

Selene leaned her head slightly to the right. "Yeah?"

"He asked whom my rage would help, and more importantly, whom it would hurt." Ansel dropped to his knees and adjusted to a seating position. "He said he made the same mistake half a decade ago that took him until last week to realise."

Patrick, a mistake, half a decade, ten by two is five, rage, hurt someone-

No. No. There was no way. 

He's lying, said the woman's voice in me. Could it be? asked the real voice I had.

"He said it was too late for him, but he didn't want the same-" Ansel's voice faded out, drowned by the cacophony of my mind.

I will end that liar.

Ansel wouldn't lie.

No one changes within a day.

I did.

You're still the same coward who can't even accept herself.

If we hold someone in eternal condemnation for something that they are shown to be trying to make amends for, then what does that make us?!

Die.

I won't let you!

The clamor of carnal vengeance warring against reason and what was right blotted out the outside.

My eyes saw blankness blotted with azure. Lightning conquered empty space. Tempest brewed. I think I lost feeling in my legs but I didn't care. I wanted the inside world to chill. I wanted the outside world to burn.

I neither knew nor recalled nor tracked how long I was like that. All I could remember was that after some time, I felt encased in soft stone, the howling in my mind subsiding soon after.

My eyelids gently lifted into a bath of amber. "Uh... huh?"

The orange Æther faded into a frown on a ghosty-eyed Ansel. "I-" His voice warbled and then his legs staggered. "What the-"

My lips pulled into a sleepy smile. "You're an Earth Magus. That's- that's amazing."

"Ansel." the materially-existing woman of our triad cleared her throat. "Take some rest. You've earned it."

"I can sti-" He dropped onto his back, his words transmuted into snores.

I turned toward a Selene enveloped in azure.

She regarded me and threw her gaze to Ansel. "He's fine. The first time is always taxing."

"First.. time?"

She took a few steps rightward away from me, the Æther around her rippling through the grass. "Attuning ones Magick taxes the Vessel and Spirit dramatically. A large part of the Colleges' purpose is to help newly-Attuned Magi acclimate to the strain."

I whistled out to the wind. "So he didn't know that was going to work?"

Selene shook her head. "No. I think he did and his resolve pushed through the pain. Earth and Fire are similar but this highlights the difference. Fire is defiant will. Earth is quiet resolve. There was some debate in the Squad over which he would be, but that he sought me out in a desperate and helpless fit cemented my guess and lookie there: I was right."

I blinked. Selene conducted herself with a perplexing medley of serenity and puerileness. I could not for my life reconcile the mystery of this woman's existence.

And then her tongue greeted me again. "That's not why we're here, though."

"Stop that!" I barked. 

"You don't mean that."

"Why you-" A yawn overtook me at that moment.

Selene curtsied. "Spiritists like us cannot afford to deviate from our truths. We start to fade when that happens. You were never taught the Schoolgirls' Magicks nor would you have been, but in the eyes of the Umbra you are one of us."

Umbra? With a flutter of my eyelashes, I brushed the confusion away. It was probably some religious calling she followed.

"And that means you need the tools to thrive as one of us. The first of these is what you're seeing from me now. It is called Shroud, and it is a rudimentary exercise for young Magickal girls to feel who they are and what they're about."

"Soo you just push your Magick out around you?"

"Havens forfend!" Selene wagged an index finger at me. "You're stuck in your old rut and it's eating you alive! The relationship between women and Magick is wholly opposite the one with men! You don't push your Magick out: you open your doors and invite it to play."

Opening your doors? Inviting Magick to play? I couldn't believe the words I heard. Jacqueline would have roasted this woman alive if she'd heard that.

Selene shook her head. "I think you're going to need to experience this yourself. Get into a natural stance. Just stand with your muscles relaxed, arms at your sides, and close your eyes."

"Um..." I lowered my hands to my sides and stretched my shoulders, back, and neck. I closed off my sight. "Alright, I'm in position."

"You're not 'in position,' Emmett: you're just there. Don't ascribe any words to yourself. It's of the utmost importance that you let your Spirit speak for itself. Just relax and hold the door open. Your Magick will respond when it wishes."

I moved to shake my head but stopped myself with a sigh. I noticed my thoughts slowing a tad, and something in me felt that slow, deep breathing was absolutely the correct move at this moment.

Selene's voice permeated my ears with a soft timbre. "Good. Keep it up. Oh, and don't worry if you feel any changes in how your body is shaped. That's sometimes normal."

I remembered feeling an abject and morbid shock at the sense of timing Selene had at that moment, for I had just started to feel breasts hanging on softened skin and a void beneath my stomach that did not exist. I opened my mouth-

"Just keep relaxing." 

-and shut it again. I tried my level best to keep calm and breathe steadily, but the increasing pressure of knowing my body had shifted in this metaphysical spiritual sense brought in a quiet ire. Quiet, but booming just as much as the Magick I felt roiling within.

My lungs shuttered, ratcheting between full and empty at an unnatural rate.

A flash of fear pulsed in front of me. 

Why? What was it?

I did not understand.

None of this was familiar. The swirling within spun faster and faster.

Magick flew out of me. I did not need to open my eyes. I knew the scent, the feel, the peppered taste of the azure flames as they leapt out, lashing at the clouds.

"What in the-" Selene's voice whispered at a distance I should not have been able to hear, yet I did.

More violent spurts of Æther flared out.

I heard her voice again, just as quietly as before. "How are you alive, Emmett?" The fear in front of me skyrocketed, but it was sheltering a burgeoning emotion. A more positive emotion.

Again, how did I know this?

"Emmett?" I heard much louder. That was her normal speaking voice.

Don't. That was the baleful maiden of scorn again in my mind.

"Okay..." Selene's voice rolled, still at speaking strength.

Could she hear her?

"Em... Em... Em...my?" Selene's pitch shot up in a frankly adorable fashion.

But it would not save her. Patrick's mug flashed in my mind's eye, and my Æther lashed in tendrils of lightning.

Anger crashed into a shield of fear. The spite should have pierced through but didn't. I couldn't stop it. I didn't know what this emotion was, but-

"Okay, I'm sorry, not Emmy, not Emi!" Selene was panicked. I must have just struck her, or rather, her Magick, with my own. "Alright, think Selene, think!"

Could I pull my Magick back? No. Why? That man cannot be forgiven. This wasn't a man!! 

The shield of fear gave way and my divine malice struck true to her soul. I howled. I did not want to hurt her. She'd done nothing wrong. That hate was for Patrick, not her!!

Magick flared in all directions with me completely under its thrall. I had just harmed, possibly slain, the second friend I could have ever hoped to gain.

Ser Larsen was right: I was crazy. And not in a good way. Ansel was right: My hatred just flashed and hurt someone because I couldn't control it. Hells, Jacqueline was right: I would just betray everyone I met.

A tether latched onto me from in front.

I didn't pay it any mind.

Then it spoke. "What? Didn't expect that, did you?" The voice was Selene's.

My Magick was still in its violent tide. She should be collapsing from the Lightning. How was she talking?!

"Don't tell Ansel, but I let you through so I could connect to you, Spirit to Spirit. By the way, you're strong as sin! Like, OW!"

Selene are you insane?! A voice, my voice, cried out in my thoughts.

"Much less than you, Emma!" 

Emma, not Emmy. I felt something in me wane.

"Em... Emma... Emma...Lee?"

My Lightning discorporated into a mere jet of azure fire.

"Emily. I think I'll name you Emily. May-"

My heart skipped a beat.

"-May I have that honour?"

All hostility in my Magick evanesced, but it radiated out nonetheless, in an aura not much unlike Selene's own. So too did Selene's fear. I sensed only an innocent joy and a wicked satisfaction in its place.

"Oh yeah, us girls can do that. Isn't it neat?!"

What?

"Shroud is an expression of a woman's heart. We transpose the Astra unto the world through the medium of Æther. We can read each other's needs, wants, and desires. You probably heard me speaking quietly a few times. That's how. The reverse applies too, so I can read your mind and will."

I shivered; my Æther rose. She read my thoughts?!

"Yeah, should have mentioned that beforehand, but you'd have overthought it."

The deception wracking my heart stung, but something in her voice, her honest joy, pride even, in me, quelled my furor. I had focused my thoughts on the haze of intent before me and found not a trace of malice.

"You seem much more yourself, Emily."

My smile beamed. Literally: I saw the beam of my smile radiate outward to the object of affection before me.

Selene held her regard steady. Our two souls faced each other in a theatre of light behind the curtain of closed eyes. "I'm going to pull back, okay Emily? When I do, you can open your eyes."

I nodded. My breath kept steady.

The tether evaporated.

The veils before my pupils lifted.

Through a lens of cerulean I looked, deep toward the girl whose eyes sparkled and shone. I held up a hand to see a translucent armour of flowing Æther grip it and the rest of me with a gentle form-fit. I glanced back to Selene and appraised her, looking for where I must have skewered through her flesh.

"Don't," said Selene, "It'll only traumatise you. I'm fine. Really. It's not my first time helping a girl discover herself."

I shivered. It wasn't fine if I hurt someone trying to help me! 

"Everpresent unyielding denial of the self tears you apart, Em." She took a step to the left, starting to slowly circle me. "Frankly, I'm impressed and terrified you were able to cast anything at all before now. You probably heard a foreign voice in your thoughts during times of distress, right? A woman's voice?"

I nodded.

"That's the real you. I had a long time to truly take the spectacle of you in; you only have the one Soul. You're not a Two-Spirit. You're a woman, same as me, but trapped in the wrong body. And because your entire upbringing hinged on a lie, your Mind sided with Body over Spirit. But the body is only a physical medium. It is a bridge from Astra to Matra, so the saying goes. It is Mind and Spirit that govern the self, but the two can oppose. We call this a dissonance of the self: the attempted sublimation of the Great Zenith back to the Infinite Extreme, and cessation of the chaos that is life. This annihilation has a more common name among those more grounded than I: dysphoria."

The Shroud of Æther about me fluttered in fright.

"The mind, however, has ingrown habits that must be gently reposed. If I were to have called you a woman any time before now you would have lashed out with word or spell. Such is the forced shelter of lies in which one can cage another."

My Magick warbled, and I felt my breathing grow heavy.

"You should probably release your Shroud, Em."

I thought back inward and felt myself as released as I could be. "H-how?"

"Oh right."

I blinked, wondering what Selene was going to say next when a stinging slap cut into my back. My breath hitched and my Shroud dispersed outright. "OW!" I staggered forth. "What was that for?!"

"Your voice pitched back to normal." 

I spun around to the view of Selene's feet hopping off the ground.

"Now you're a bit more tense and alert. Your normal self, so to speak. This is the self you need to feel when you wish to close yourself back off, and your calm-breathed open feminine self is the self you need to return to for your Shroud."

"A-ah..." I drew my visual attention to the ground. "T-thank you."

"No problem, silly!" Selene rushed up to me. "I'm just gonna call you Em for now, alright? You are trans; do not get me wrong. But you're not fully ready to change your facing to match your gender. You need a transitory stage, an in-between. If you try to dive into the deep end you will just lose yourself and drown. You need practice and familiarity. This is utterly important. You are redefining your concept of who and what you are. You must take this at your own pace and not more and not less. Defy yourself and Magick will defy you."

I nodded slowly. "I... I think I'd like being called Em for now."

Selene sprung at me, catching my body in a sudden hug. "Yay!"

I locked in my stance. My arms would not obey any will to move them.

Selene squeezed a little firmer before breaking off the embrace. "Ansel's gonna be sad though."

"Why's that?"

Selene took a look at my sleeping friend, then back at me with a frown. "He likes men."

I seized my chest and my knees buckled. "No... Heavens, no!" 

Selene caught my fall and eased me into a seated position before taking one next to me. "I know, it hurts and feels like you're betraying your best friend, but he deserves to know. Imagine how much worse it would be if you learned about this after having joined in-" She stopped herself, taking a short breath, "-in a relationship."

Tears erupted from my heart. I had no idea how this worked but it did. Æther was dripping down into the rest of me and I had no idea why.

Selene ran her hand through my hair, combing it with her fingers. "It's okay, Em. You're strong enough for this. Heavens and Havens, you lived in dysphoric hell all your life, you've strengthened your Vessel to absurd lengths on complete accident, and you've faced down death for your friends. What's one misstep in romance compared to all that?"

"Is-" My vision warbled. "Is it okay to cry?" I wasn't sure if I was going to cry or fall asleep.

"Yes, Em. Let it out. You're a better friend for it."