Rewrite the Past

Maybe because of that incident.
It was June, when I was 17 years old, in the early summer of my junior year in high school.
I've been very big since I was born.
To the extent that my mom almost died giving birth to me.
Even now, I am 188 cm tall, weigh 90 kg, and have a very strong physique.
At that time, when I was 17 years old, my height was already over 180 cm.
I recently entered middle school and the height I measured on my first physical exam was 181cm, and now, at 188cm, I am in my second year of middle school.
Maybe because I'm big, my stuff is cut in comparison to my peers.
I remember going to the bathroom with my dad during winter break before advancing to the sophomore year of high school, and when he saw my larger things, he laughed miserably.
My libido is also very strong, I've been masturbating since 5th grade.

When I was 13 years old, in 6th grade, my father's business went bankrupt and our family had to run away at night.
My father asked the driver of the big truck that brought the rice to Seoul to do a little cleaning, and we just took our books, divided them into two trucks, and headed to Seoul.
An acquaintance of my father introduced him to him, so we ended up living in a rooftop room in a 5-story commercial building in a corner of the district
There is a church on the left side of the 4th floor and a daycare center run by the church on the right side.
There is a shed on the left after going up the stairs to the roof, and there is a room that was freshly plastered, floored, and had a briquette boiler installed so the church could use it for meetings.
We were given one free room on the condition of cleaning the church, cleaning the bathrooms, and doing church cafeteria work.
When I opened the door and went out, there was a small stove, and on the other side was a door leading to the roof.
Since it wasn't a house, to begin with, I paneled the walls around the stove and remodeled it like a kitchen, and installed an oil burner, cupboards, and a large water bowl.
There was no faucet because of the kitchen, so I had to draw water from the bathroom on the 4th floor with a bucket to use it.
Since I was 13 years old, I have been in charge of fetching water.
I live in a very poor neighborhood where I have to lock the public bathroom door on the 4th floor at night when no one is there after the daycare center is over.

My father took us there and went to the construction site every day.
Because my father worked at a construction site while traveling to the provinces, he could only come home two or three times a month.
Since then, my mom has become lonely.
Every day, my mom would be called to where the church people worked, and she would do household chores and help with household chores.
That way, they would receive 10,000 won or 20,000 won, or get something to eat, like kimchi or other side dishes.
My mom had three young children, so she couldn't go to factories or restaurants, so she worked at other people's homes during the day.
My mom, who had worked in a wig factory when she was a child when there was no homework, took wigs and cut them at home.
She never thought about dressing up like buying clothes or putting on makeup.
There are many factories in the neighborhood, and give a few 1,000-won pieces to the women who work in the clothing factory and buy some of the cheapest clothes, like cheap skirts, and wear them.
My very beautiful mom did her hard work for her children like that.

That summer I turned 17…
Dad didn't come today.
My mom must be tired after working late into the night, so she left her bedside lamp on and slept next to me.
The order of sleeping in our single room is from the side of the door when you are there, father, mom, two younger siblings, and me.
It must be because the man seemed to be convinced by guarding the entrance.
After a short sleep, I woke up from the light of the bedside table.
It was a hot night because summer had just started.
The door is open, the window is open, but it's hot.
I sat and saw that my mom was sleeping.
However, the fluttering skirt was above her thighs, to the point that her panties were barely covered properly.
It was probably hot, so my mom went and slept.
I had a strong sexual desire for a long time, then without thinking I lifted my mom's skirt.
White cotton shorts caught my attention.
But I saw my mom's ass bulging.
Her thighs were sticking out so that her underwear could be pulled tight to cover her tucked stomach.
Unknowingly, my eyes widened.
My mom's protruding lump caught my attention.
Suddenly I felt a burning sensation in my throat.
I felt the same thirst I felt a few days ago when I saw a naked photo of a woman that my classmate brought to me.
In the late 1980s, there weren't as many opportunities to access erotic information as there wasn't the internet as it is today.
Once upon a time Don Juan novels were printed with strange titles, printed very messy on yellow paper, and sold quietly in shady places.
Still, it was a time when I had to fawn all over my friends to read it once and reverently read it several times with a pounding heart.
As I imagined the inside of my mom's panties, maybe because of the ridiculous image, I felt the urge to touch my mom's butt.
I lowered her skirt carefully over her stomach and shifted myself into a kneeling sitting position.
Leaning forward, I looked into my mom's face.
She looked so pretty in the lamplight when she was sleeping, probably tired.
I raised my head and looked in the direction where my little brothers were sleeping.

I feel weird for some reason.
The light from the pulpit strangely only shone on my mom and around me.
It was as if I had become the main character of the evening, and it was as if a stage had opened for me under this light.
I was enveloped in an atmosphere where I felt I could do anything.
As I lowered my head, my mom's full breasts caught my attention.
I tried to hold my mom's left breast secretly, but she was not wearing a bra because of the heat.
It was so nice to feel her soft breasts.
After kneading it a few times, I saw my mom's face once again.
My mom's lips caught my attention.
So I picked her up and kissed my mom lightly on the lips.
I love my mom, my mom is very beautiful...
One kiss makes me feel better.
And, the atmosphere is fun.
I woke up again and this time I stroked my mom's right breast several times.
She was tired and unresponsive.
But despite this joyful atmosphere, my stuff was already swelling up like it was about to explode.
With one hand I was carefully squeezing my mom's breast, and with the other, i started squeezing things in my panties, which started to burst and started to hurt a little.
After squeezing and feeling my mom's soft breasts for a few moments, I slowly brought my hand down my mom's panties.
I swallowed my saliva in my throat, and my hand, which was trembling weakly, covered everything from my mom's head to the entrance of the hole with my palm at once.
It feels right in the palm of my hand.
I put a bit of strength into my hand and squeezed it lightly.
I felt my fingers go a little.
The feeling of the plump and soft flesh in my palm was so ecstatic.
My object started getting angrier, and I had no choice but to keep rubbing it with my hands because it felt like it was going to break.

I'm usually a bit shy.
I'm the type of person who can't even speak loudly to others, always apologizes first, and is on guard for fear that someone else might say something.
But on that day, maybe because of my mood, I didn't hesitate to touch my mom's breasts and genitals.
I squeezed and opened my mom's genitals and vagina with force several times, then moved to my mom's breasts and rubbed her breasts.
Then back down and massage my mom's ass and pussy.
After a long time touching it alternately, it was time to touch my mom's genital area and pubic area.
It was sudden, so I felt ejaculate from the object.
My hand touched my mom's vagina and entered hard.
Then my fingers that had been holding my mom's genitals and genitals entered a little more.
It's exciting and fun.
But the joy is greater.
I couldn't stand it in the end, and I ejaculated into my underwear.
It was a feeling of immense joy that I had never felt before.
Cum seemed to be coming out at the end, and my panties were damp, making them wet.
In what remains of the climax, I lean forward and tremble, then look up as I draw in the breath I've been holding.
By the way, wasn't my mom looking at me with her head up and her mouth pursed?
I was surprised to see my mom's face when she opened her eyes.
My mom, who had cold eyes, looked alternately between her eyes and genitals.
I thought my heart would shrink when I saw my mom's eyes.
I was so ashamed and scared.
I didn't even put my shoes on, because I ran and ran to the bathroom on the 4th floor.
Even though I hid in the bathroom for a long time, I didn't hear my mom looking for me.
So, after washing my hands, I climbed back up carefully.
I couldn't get into the room, so I went to the roof.
I lay on the rooftop and looked up at the sky.
But strangely, I don't feel guilty.
I just think it's good.
But I thought, 'How am I going to see my mom's face tomorrow?'

I must have fallen asleep
Someone shook me to wake me up so I looked and it was my mom.
I jumped in surprise, unable to see my mom properly, just rolling my eyes.
"Hurry, eat, and go to school."
My mom said frankly, then she went inside without another word.
I thought I was going to be scolded, but when my mom didn't say anything, I started to feel anxious.
I couldn't even say 'I'm sorry' to my mom, I ate in silence and went to school.

From then on, my wanderings began.
Being shy, I never thought of touching my mom again, and I got caught doing weird things like looking under the girl's bathroom, getting beat up by my dad… I think I spent my school days quietly.
But I've been estranged from my mom ever since.
From then on, I stopped approaching my mom, avoided answering my mom's questions, and came home late because I didn't want to see her.
Even so, my mom was always very sincere to me.
However, I seem to be growing further away from my mom.

My mom must be okay with what happened that night.
It wasn't a big deal for her big son who had just hit puberty to touch her genital area, but she probably shouldn't be too nervous.
Besides, it would be better if the eldest son who she loved the most in this world showed interest in his mom.
Now that I think about it, my mom would show it to me even if I asked her to.
But, I'm not like that.
It would be fine if my mom said at least a word to me about it, but she was afraid that I would be awkward, so she calmly continued.
It must be the act of my mom watching over me.
However, as a 17-year-old teenager at the time, I thought it was because my mom was offended by what I did, and I felt even more guilty.
So, I became increasingly difficult with my mom and ended up avoiding my mom for some point.
Thus, now that I am over 40 years old, my mom has become awkward, and I have forgotten my mom's heart and life.

I suddenly remembered the day my mom came to my prison for my first visit.
When she saw me come in wearing a prison uniform, she punched the glass wall and said, "Oh, my son. What do I have to do? My dear." While doing so, I remember how she cried so hard.

As I was still wiping the tears from my face, seeing my mom caressing my cheek, the impossible thought, 'If only I could come back, I would be better for my mom'.
I am very sorry.
So I shed more tears.
However, my mom still stroked my cheek and said, "It's okay."
I staggered and got up slowly.
"Where are you going?"
My mom asked, following quickly near me.
"I'm frustrated, so I'm going to get some fresh air and come back."
I'm out the door again.
My mom was behind me, looking at me worriedly with a crying face, ready to follow me.
I turned away from my mom and went outside and looked up at the sky and took a cigarette from my trouser pocket.
I lit it, took a sip, and exhaled slowly, trudging along.
In my head, I kept thinking, 'If only I could go back to my childhood…'
After walking for a while, I arrived in front of a long staircase leading to the main street.
Standing at the end of the stairs, I looked up at the sky again and took a sip of a cigarette.
Suddenly, my eyes flashed, and my head started to spin and my body leaned forward.
'Eh? Eh? Why am I like this?'
I started rolling down the stairs.