Prologue: Meeting the Whimsical Shrine Maiden Goddess

 

 

Dying by suicide is probably not one of the best feelings ever.

 

 

Unless you feel relief. 

 

Killing yourself really does take a whole lot of courage.

 

Even more so if you already consider yourself a coward.

 

Your self-esteem is not so great.

 

And, you have a guilt which propels you towards it and repels you from it.

 

Pretty torturous if you take it to the extremes, right?

 

But compared to all the gloomy thoughts I'm thinking, the environment around me is completely opposite. I can feel my body, from the chest to the tip of my toes, submerged in pleasant hot water. Completely relaxing all of the muscle, and mental, tension. 

 

"Fuah~ phew~ sooo gooood~" 

 

Ah, but my body is still trembling a little.

 

But I am, in real-time, bathing in an Onsen right after meticulously gathering allllllll of my tiny bits of courage to roughly slice—with a steel fork—my right carotid artery and letting the all the warm blood soak my clothes deep red, making me feel very uncomfortable.

 

But, well, I guess it's just possible that I'm dreaming a lucid dream and this is some unconscious desire of mine to relax in an Onsen, which I had only visited once in my life. That's more believable—that this is a dream, and in a few moments I'll wake up inside the nightmare, which I've been experiencing for quite a while. That I just dreamt I died.

 

Then again, I do kind of deserve it. Maybe it's also a little harsh to call it a nightmare, i.e. my life. 

 

I can do nothing without relying on my little sister. 

 

I can't eat.

 

I can't sleep without holding her hand, or simply, feeling her warmth.

 

I can't go out. I can but it's tough, so it's only sometimes.

 

In short, I've become useless, and to an extent dysfunctional without her. 

Laughable right? An older brother excessively relying on little sister. Most likely unheard of too. Me neither, until it happened to me. 

However, I do not hate her, at all. I do not hate that I'm dependent on her.  I do not hate that I depend on her. Because I love her. Not as a woman, but as my precious little sister. Even if I wanted to hate her, I most likely would be unable to. 

 

I just simply love her, that's all. 

 

If I was satisfied with my current state, why did I still want to die? Because I don't like my current situation. I hate myself, but not to the extent I want to immediately die. That's why I had to build courage. Slowly over meals, walking on the dimly-lit sidewalks while holding hands, laying in bed, watching T.V., etc. 

 

I was building-up a lump in my throat. 

 

I can still subtly feel it at the back of my throat, substantially smaller, but still stuck. A sticky and moist patch. 

In a sense, It could be said that this dissatisfaction originated from my old self, whom I consider to be a better version of my current self. Optimistic, stubborn, thoughtful, caring, and selfish. But now, I'm negative, a pushover, simple-minded, and selfish. Both are me, just that I've picked up more bad traits.

And my family situation didn't also really help I guess. 

 

 I'm not competitive. I don't really have a sense of rivalry unless it's in the moment. Like some short bursts of desire to win. But it wasn't like I lagged behind my little sister or anything, she just did more things than me, and did things in a better way than me.

Now I'm not whiningh—

 

"You are definitely whining." 

 

"I am NOT whining!"

 

"Fufu, my apologies. I did not intend to interrupt your monologue." 

 

"Hiiiiiiyaaaaaaaah!" 

 

I instantly fell to my knees under the water, forming a cocoon, my arms protectively around my torso. 

I started foaming bubbles, the hot water forcefully rushing inside through my nose and mouth.

My breathing was getting ragged.

It hurt......or it did not?

Probably because this is a dream where I don't feel any pain. That might be it. 

 

"My my, even dying has no effect on your conditioned reflexes. That girl really has done a number on you it seems, fufu." 

 

"bwhut uduy meaub?" 

 

"Please stand up. Putting up a guard is useless. Caution is futile." 

 

I opened my arms and slowly stood up, my head peeking out from the water. 

 

"Um, alright. So I'm in heaven or something?" 

 

"No. This plane is something akin to the river Styx. Except you are not going to the afterlife, but another world."

 

I turned to face the voice behind me. 

A young girl looking the same age as me was sitting on the edge of the Onsen bath, playfully flapping her legs in the water.

She was wearing a typical shrine maiden attire, giving her a familiar, calming look. Her long, straight black hair formed her silhouette and fanned out on the glossy and wet wooden flooring. A pair of ocean blue eyes were fixed on my face.

She very much gave off the aura of a Yamato Nadeshiko beauty; the shrine maiden attire especially enhancing her calming aura and looks. 

 

"Um, I don't know what to say...." 

 

"You can try complimenting me." She cutely giggled, lifting her palm to her mouth. 

 

"You look....beautiful?" 

 

"It is not a question. You are stating your opinion, yes? So it should end with a period. Please try again." 

 

Her eyes sparkled, as if charged by excitement.

 

"Okay....um, you look very beautiful." 

 

I found my cheeks feeling a bit warm.

 

Am I blushing? 

 

"Cute. Very cute, fufu. So, I · tsu · ki ku · n, have you calmed down a little?" 

 

She asked, pronouncing each syllable of name for some reason. And why -kun? Was she my classmate or a friend I forgot? 

 

"Y-yes. I'm calm, I think. So um getting back to what you were saying, I'm going to another world?" 

 

"Correct. I'm going to send you to another world because I pity you."

 

"Excuse me? Did you just say you pity me?" 

 

"Yep. You heard me, I~ p-i-t-y you, Itsuki-kun."

 

She giggled again, this time flashing her pearly white teeth. I could still hear the occasional sound of splashes, the ripples barely reaching my chest. 

 

"I-I don't understand. Why do you pity me? Have we met before somewhere?" 

 

My words slurred a bit, and my body visibly twitched, causing a few ripples in the warm water.

 

"Not at all. This is our first time. But it still holds true that I pity you, for what happened to you. However, you are not to blame at aaalllll~" 

 

I took a deep breath, and slowly exhaled. I step-by-step closed the distance between me and the edge, splashing water around. When I finally reached the edge, I fixed my palms against the glossy wooden floor, and pushed myself up. I sat down a little distance from her. 

 

"Could you please explain?" I said looking down at my wet feet, my words filled with anxiety and my throat drying up.

 

"Of course. You have the right to know after all—what was done to you, fufu." A short giggle echoed in the space, eerily fitting and unfitting her image at the same moment.

 

"Would you like to hear the short end or the long end of the story?" 

 

"Please start with short then long." 

 

"My, my. Spoiled are we? In simple words, you were thoroughly manipulated Itsuki-kun, by yours truly, Sayuri-chan★" 

 

She smiled playfully, spelling out the name of the perpetrator, as if it were a game. 

 

"That's no-not—"'

 

"possible, you say?"

 

"Y-Yes! It can't be my little sister. Sh-she's not that type of a person." 

 

"But she is, unfortunately for you. Do you understand what I will be explaining to you?" 

 

"How I was emotionally manipulated into becoming dependent on my little sister by her?" 

 

"Absolutely correct!" She cutely pointed her index finger at me, a beaming smile adorned on her face. 

 

"Um is this something you should be happy about?" 

 

"Oh yes, I apologize for my immodest behavior. It is just that I do not get to talk so unequivocally so often and hold conversations in general. You see, I'm very much enjoying talking to you that I can not help but get a little excited. I hope you can forgive me a little, tehee~" 

 

"F-fine but, did Sayu really do it? Because I-I just can't believe it." 

 

"It does not matter if you believe it or not. It is the truth, and it will remain the truth, whether or not you believe it. And in this case, your little sister shrewdly made you dependent on her." 

 

"Even if, why?" 

 

"Because she loves you, simply. That is the single reason and her motivation. But it is also the root of her downfall, fufu." 

 

Before I could say another word, she gently pressed her slender, index finger on my lips. 

 

"Let me show you. I am sure you will believe me after witnessing it."

 

She snapped her fingers, and instantly the scenery changed. From an Onsen to an infinite white world. A void of white. 

 

It was only me and her in this space. 

 

"A small warning for you. You may pass out after witnessing this. It might be a big shock for you. So, I recommend sitting on a chair." 

 

"There's no chair—" 

 

Of course there was a chair right behind me as soon as I tried to deny it. I sat down on it, without protesting.

 

"Fufu, you're really cute after all. But all that emotion will be wiped off your face after seeing it. That makes me a little sad." 

 

She pouted, her smooth-looking cheeks bulging out subtly.

What she said was terribly true. 

 

Because I blanked out in a few seconds of seeing her in that state.