Self Insert as Spider-Man MCU

The night mission suit was surprisingly stretchy, like a cross between a scuba gear wet suit and a yoga outfit. It was a dull dark grey charcoal color, which was perfect for hiding in shadows. I wasn't going to leave it looking the way it did, though. The SHIELD logos on the upper arms and the left breast of the slim jacket, and on the hips of the pants, had to go.

I also had slight tingles of my spider-sense as I felt along the fabric, testing it for fit, and nodded as I marked each spot. I wasn't surprised the logos were the main concentrations, as was the stiff collar and the cuffs on the formfitting slim jacket. The logo patches looked melded into the suit, so I would need to be careful with how I removed them.

I used the evidence gathering kit's tools with my chemistry set and took several careful scrapings around the logos. I looked at them under the microscope and couldn't readily identify it, so I had to dissolve a bit of it into a solution and then put a drop under a sample slide and increased the magnification.

I chuckled at discovering it was a simple bonding compound and not some secret SHIELD formula or something. I knew exactly what I needed to do to remove the logos from the fabric and went downstairs into the kitchen. I went under the sink and grabbed several cleaning supplies, including a bit of dish-washing soap, and went back upstairs.

I quickly mixed up a cocktail and added a few of the chemicals I had brought home from chemistry lab that I had used as a component in my web fluid to allow it to dissolve after an hour. I spent a good five minutes shaking it inside a sealed beaker before it was ready.

I wore rubber gloves and used a piece of cloth to carefully apply some of the new solution to the edges of the biggest SHIELD logo patch on the left breast of the slim jacket. I only had to wait a minute before the edge peeled up and I used tweezers to lift it up and applied more solution into the space. I kept doing that and after a few minutes, the logo popped right off and left barely any traces on the fabric.

After a quick wipe of more solution, it was completely clean. I grinned at the success and then removed the other patches and markings. Each one made my spider-sense tingle a little, so I would need to get rid of them or cut them apart to destroy whatever was setting off my danger sense. Or I could stick them on random things and see what happened if they ever fully activated.

I chuckled at having the spy agency following the cross-city bus for hours, only to find one of their own shield logos stuck under a bench seat. That might be too big of a prank to do, however. I would probably drop them off at one of the safe houses and no one would question having them there. It would be a safe house for SHIELD agents, so of course some of their GPS trackers would be there.

I used a knife to slice open the collar of the jacket and pulled out the microchip, then immediately dropped it right into the bond dissolving solution. It hissed and sputtered for a second and then nothing. My spider-sense also stopped and I smiled as I searched for the others in the cuffs. They joined the first one and I searched the pants next, only to find one under the front zipper closure.

They're tracking erections! No, blowjobs! I joked in my head and had to clamp my mouth shut to stop my laugh. I imagined some poor shmuck sitting at a monitoring station somewhere and marking each one on a sheet and adding the duration and severity when they ended.

I snorted and took out the ear pieces for communications. I hooked each of them up to my enhanced laptop through a micro-USB attachment and ran a diagnostic program on them. My spider-sense hadn't gone off with them or the cell phones, so it was just a preventative measure to check for any hidden software.

The bluetooth connection wasn't tapped, so the earpieces would work well with the untraceable cell phones. I hooked up the cell phones next and they were also clean. I relaxed then, because turning them on wouldn't activate any hidden protocols. I put the two phones and the four ear pieces on their chargers and set them aside.

I checked the two handheld radios next and they were also clean. They had a small manual with them and I read it. I wasn't surprised that they were also compatible with the earpieces, just like the phones were, and set them to the right frequencies. That reminded me to make a scanner of some kind to check for those frequencies, because I wanted to be able to listen in when I came across anything like that.

I might have to order another set of hand radios for that, because I didn't want to cannibalize the only ones I had, even if they did come preset with the frequencies I needed.

I took out the tiny flashlight and chuckled at the size of it. I quickly popped it apart and admired the led bulbs and the tracking device mounted between the batteries and the connection to the bulbs. Using it as a power source and also maintaining the connection to not have anything interfere with the light, was pretty smart.

I dropped the chip into the dissolving solution and picked up the equipment belt. It had one behind the belt buckle and I tossed it in with the others. The rest was clean, even the small compartments, so I put it aside and took out the collapsible batons. I couldn't flick them open to test them, because the snap would be pretty loud with no other sound in the apartment.

They didn't set off my spider-sense, so I put them aside and checked the handcuffs. They were just normal handcuffs. I didn't hook them to the belt, though. They were a shiny steel color and would glint and reflect in any light, which meant I would need to cover them in some powder coating paint, preferably a deep charcoal grey like the main parts of the suit.

I should do my web shooters, too. I thought. Even if they would be under the suit sleeves and the pressure sensor would be inside the glove, keeping them dark would make sure they wouldn't be immediately recognizable as equipment that I was wearing.

The micro-binoculars were clean and the little pouch they came in slipped right onto the equipment belt. A pack of zip tie handcuffs also fit right into a pouch on the belt. It balanced the look, too. There were a lot of spaces left on the belt, which meant I had a lot of room for additions. I didn't have any to add at the moment, however. I would need to work on that later.

The last thing I checked was the baseball cap and I wasn't surprised that the logo had a tracking device inside. I chuckled and had to remove the thing, the only reason I wanted the hat in the first place, and now it was just a plain black baseball hat. I put it on and gathered up the SHIELD logos and stuffed them in a side pocket of my backpack. I would make a detour in the morning and drop them off at the closest safe house.

I checked the time and it was really late, which meant tearing apart the ballistics vest was going to have to wait. I also had to mix up some special fluid to bond the cut open parts of the suit back together, too. The normal stuff you buy was too messy and easily undone, as I had just proven, so I needed to make my own.

I packed almost everything away and hid it on the top shelf of my closet. I hid the phones and ear pieces, because they were still charging, and I returned the cleaning supplies to the kitchen. I went back to my bedroom and took off the hat and hung it on my bunk bed, then I climbed in under my blanket.

I had made a lot of progress tonight, which would culminate tomorrow night or on the weekend. I just needed to apply parts of the vest onto the suit in key spots for protection and reinforcement, then add certain spider-themed decorations to make it look cool.

Maybe some of that powder coating would make it into that batch of special bonding web fluid. I thought and smiled as I closed my eyes. Tomorrow was going to be a good day, I just knew it.

*

I wore my new baseball cap and walked across the school's parking lot. Stopping at the safe house only took a couple of minutes and I left the shield logos stacked in a pile behind a potted plant in the backyard. My spider-sense hadn't gone off, so everything worked out great.

Several girls gave me interesting looks as I passed by them, so I smiled at some and waved at others. I entered the main building and a few more girls smiled at me and one boldly waved.

“Hey.” I said and nodded to her.

“Penis Parker!” Flash's voice shouted out.

I stopped walking to turn and look. “That's me.” I said and several of the girls in the hallway giggled.

“I don't care what everyone is saying, you're an asshole for breaking Liz's heart like that!” Flash spat.

“I know. I accepted all the blame and it's all my fault. I wasn't ready for the commitment and I apologized.” I said and he looked surprised, as did a few of the girls. “Before you ask, no I am not available for you and never will be, despite my awesome and well deserved nickname.”

Flash's face flushed from embarrassment and he opened his mouth to respond hotly.

“You're breaking the 50 foot restraining order limit, by the way.” I interrupted him and handed him a fake restraining order. “I wanted a thousand feet and they said that wasn't viable because you needed to go to school, too.”

Flash seemed to be choking on something and didn't respond as he read the thing.

“It wasn't nice talking to you and I don't look forward to the next time, which there shouldn't be. Thank you. Bye bye.” I said and walked away.

The talking in the hallway was pretty loud as I walked to the next hallway and entered biology class. I sat down at a large table and waited for class to start. I wasn't surprised when Sally sat down next to me, mainly because she was my lab partner and this was our assigned table.

“What's with the hat?” Sally asked.

“My whole life changed yesterday.” I said and smiled at her. “I figured this was better than shaving the rest of my head clean.”

Sally gave me a surprised look, then she laughed. “You? Bald? HAHAHA!”

“I knew a hat was much better. Thanks for the confirmation.” I said and she kept laughing as the classroom filled up. The teacher came in and ran us through what the lab was about, then we performed it for the rest of the morning and wrote out the lab report that detailed what we just did.

I was tempted to call the teacher on the redundancy, considering we technically did the lab three times, then shrugged. It must be her teaching us that repetition made it stick better. I did not remind her that a teenager's brain was remarkable in its ability to forget things it didn't deem important, namely biology labs.

“Ben.” Sally whispered when I was done writing.

“Yeah?” I asked and signed my name to the report, then handed it to her to sign, too.

“Did you really mean what you said last week?” Sally asked.

I thought about it and smiled. “You need to be more specific. I've said a lot of things.”

Sally's face flushed red. “About... about...” She looked down at her plump body and then back at my face. “Don't make me say it.”

I chuckled. “There's nothing wrong with having some meat on your bones.”

“I'm... I'm fat. You don't have to be nice about it.” Sally said.

“You could stand to lose a few pounds... or thirty.” I said and put a hand on her arm. “Start small. Walk a bit more. Take the stairs up a flight and back down. There's no need to push and there's no rush. If you don't like how you look, take your time, do the work, and change it.”

Sally huffed. “That's so easy for you to say. Look at you.”

I smiled and did the double arm curl that I seem to do a lot lately. “I work hard every night at my construction job. Muscles like this don't come cheap.”

“You were already skinny, though.” Sally said.

“I was a wimp. Weak as a kitten. Skinny as a rail. A strong wind would have blown me over.” I said and she smiled. “I was an easy target for Eugene to make fun of, which is what he looks for.”

Sally opened her mouth to respond and sighed. “I'm a huge target.”

“You do realize he's a quarter of your size and one good swipe with your big meaty fist into his thick skull will send him flying across the room, right?” I asked and her eyes widened.

“You... want me to... hit him.”

“Only if you want the satisfaction of seeing fear on his face after all the teasing he's done.” I said and she smiled a little. “I could print off a restraining order for you if you want, too.”

“Yes! Do that!” Sally exclaimed.

I chuckled. “You're lucky it's lunchtime and I need to find somewhere else to eat. We can go to the library first and get you what you need.”

“Thanks, Ben.” Sally said and we handed in the report when the bell rang. We walked partway across the school to go to the library.

“Gladys! I haven't seen you in forever.” I whispered loudly to get the librarian's attention. “You look absolutely bookish and competent.”

Gladys shook her head at me and smiled. “What are you here for now?”

“We're committing petty crime and falsifying official court documents. You know, a typical Friday.”

Sally looked shocked as Gladys laughed softly.

“Go ahead and use station four in the back.” Gladys said. “Lose the hat, please.”

“Thanks, cute and bashful.” I said and walked by the counter as I put the hat into my backpack.

“One of these days...” Gladys whispered.

I chuckled and went towards the back of the library.

“Ben!” Sally whispered loudly when I sat down. “Why did you tell her that?!?”

“There's not really a point in lying to her. The computers are linked and she gets a copy of everything anyway.” I said and brought up the file I had saved.

“She... she does?” Sally asked and carefully sat on the chair beside me.

“She has to monitor any activity inside the library. It's kind of her job.” I said and quickly modified the restraining order. “Should I make it out to ten million micrometres?”

Sally just sat there with a blank look on her face.

“Is ten meters, or thirty feet, what you want for the distance?” I clarified and she didn't react. “Sally, you okay?”

“She sees everything we do on the computers.” Sally whispered.

I suddenly understood what was wrong. “Hey, it's all right. Everyone watches porn in the library.”

Sally blinked her eyes several times and her head slowly turned to stare at me. “Excuse me?”

“It's like a rite of passage to sneak around a public library and look at stuff you shouldn't be looking at.” I said and she looked surprised. “Look, if it'll make you feel more comfortable about me knowing, I'll do this.”

Sally watched as I opened an internet browser and looked up 'sexy milf librarians'. She let out a surprised sound and blushed as the screen was literally covered in bare breasts, spread legs, and dark haired women wearing glasses and a 'fuck me right now' look on their faces.

I didn't click on any of the pictures and minimized the window as I went with my joke of an idea and printed the restraining order. I folded it up like a real one, scribbled an official-looking signature on the bottom and then had Sally sign it, too. I cleared the browser history and then closed it.

“Come on, we have to get to the cafeteria and eat.” I said and Sally nodded. She followed me back across the library and we came to a stop right in front of the librarian's counter.

“I am... going to... kill you.” Gladys growled under her breath and her glare would have destroyed a lesser being.

I walked around the counter and glanced around to make sure no one was looking, then I gave her a kiss on the cheek. “I just wanted to remind you that I missed you.”

“Strangle... choke... murder.” Gladys muttered and her glare remained.

“Love you, too.” I chuckled and walked back around the counter and Sally just stared at me like she had never seen me before. I took her hand and led her out of the library and down the hallway.

“I can't believe you just did that.” Sally whispered, even though we were no longer in the library.

“Me, either.” I said and she gave me a shocked look. “We're not on that level of a relationship. We're just good friends.”

“Friends? You're friends with the librarian?” Sally asked.

“She helped me a lot when I needed it.” I said. “I still do, actually. I use her study guides every day.”

Sally went quiet for several moments. “She really is going to kill you.”

I barked a laugh. “I'll deserve it, too. That was way, way past good teasing.”

Sally's hand squeezed mine. “You did that for me.”

“Of course I did. What are friends for?” I asked and she gave me an odd look.

“If you sit with me, you might be made fun of.” Sally said.

I made a huff sound. “I knew I should have made an origami dildo for the front of my hat.”

Sally looked confused. “Wh-what?”

“They'll make fun of me for the right reasons then.” I said and walked into the cafeteria with her. I didn't let her hand go, either. “Did you bring a lunch or are you buying one?”

“Buying.” Sally said.

“Standing in line is fun.” I said and brought her over to the counter.

“Moved on already?” A young woman's voice asked.

I recognized it immediately and turned to face Isabelle. “Guess who's tongue is back on the market?”

“Are... are you serious?” Isabelle and two of her friends asked at the same time. They looked from me to Sally, then back to me.

“I'm holding her hand to draw attention to myself. Girls find attached guys more attractive, apparently.” I joked and Isabelle looked surprised, then she glanced across the cafeteria to where Liz sat with her friends and looked back at me before she nodded.

“I've got geography and then gym for the rest of the afternoon.” I said.

“I opted out of gym class.” Isabelle said.

“So did Sally.” I responded. “If the coach gives me another test like last week, I might get off early.”

Isabelle looked down at my crotch and back at my face. “Yeah, you just might.”

That comment had me smiling for the rest of the lunch period and no one made fun of me or Sally.