Self Insert as Spider-Man MCU

I watched as the pretty blonde detective named Jean DeWolff entered the interrogation room with a tall black man. “Oh, for Pete's sake! We haven't even started and you're already cockblocking me?”

The woman's face stayed impassive as the black man laughed.

“Jesus, kid! You really do have huge brass balls.” The black man said and sat down. “Name's Isaiah Jackson.”

I nodded. “I was hoping it would get me out of this part.” I said and looked at the detective as she sat, too. “Was I too forward with the offer or not forward enough?”

DeWolff ignored my question. “How exactly did you find these guns?”

“Honestly? I had no idea what happened, even after I opened the bag and saw them in there.” I said, completely truthfully. “The first thing I thought was that at least two of them were illegal.”

“The uzis.” Jackson said.

“Let me tell you, seeing those things for real gave me shivers.” I said and did shiver a little. “As if a normal gun isn't bad enough! You guys have to worry about getting thirty bullets a second shot at you.”

Jackson nodded.

“And you found the generic gym bag just like that?” DeWolff asked.

“Yeah, like I always find gym bags hanging from trees when I go for a walk!” I joked, just in case they could tell when I lied. My spider-sense wasn't going off, so it should be fine. “I think I'll be taking a lot less walks from now on.”

“Where were you going?” DeWolff asked.

“I wanted to buy a present for a friend.” I said.

“Did you?” Jackson asked.

“Yeah, and I hope she likes it.” I said and huffed. “I'm sure going through a lot of trouble for it.”

Jackson smiled and leaned back in his chair.

“What was it?” DeWolff asked.

“An expensive book in my backpack that you've already searched.” I said. “Thanks for not opening it all the way. I doubt it's ever been opened wide enough to crack the spine and it would lose a lot of its mint value.”

“I saw the care you took to wrap the thing.” DeWolff said. “You must really like this girl.”

I shrugged a little and the two people on the other side of the table exchanged looks. “It's not like we're going to date or anything. It's a thank you, an apology, and maybe a down payment for a favor or two later.”

“Oh? What kind of favor?” DeWolff asked and leaned forward, quite interested.

“Like a 'licking my balls eagerly' kind of favor.” I responded with a huge grin on my face.

The black guy slapped a hand over his mouth and almost muffled his loud bark of laughter. Almost.

“Do you always subvert questions by flirting and shocking people?” DeWolff asked me.

“Kind of and not really.” I said with another shrug. “I've found that it makes me feel warm inside when I can get a pretty woman to smile or blush, especially if she's normally reserved.”

“I suppose that makes me a prime target.” DeWolff said.

“I wouldn't have asked you out if you weren't.” I said.

“Wait, you weren't joking?” DeWolff asked and looked surprised. “You're just a kid and your high school ID says so.”

“Just because I'm a kid, that doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing.” I responded.

DeWolff huffed and sat back on her chair. “By the looks of you, you're still a virgin.”

I sighed exaggeratedly. “Yet another mature flower unwilling to let a young eager bee pollinate them.”

Jackson chuckled. “I've gotta write this shit down. This is prime stuff.”

“Naw, I'm running low. I used up a ton of lines when I was rushed to the hospital on Friday afternoon.” I said and pointed to my forehead. “My bully tried to kill me with a baseball.”

They both perked up at that.

“That's assault! Why wasn't it reported?” DeWolff asked.

“I assume because his dad's rich, it was on school grounds, and he wasn't really trying to kill me. I just could have ended up that way.” I said and shrugged again. “The doctor's report said if it hit anywhere else, it would have cracked my skull.”

“You won't object if we ask the hospital about that?” DeWolff asked.

I shook my head. “Not at all. Knock yourself out.” I said and looked at the black man. “This isn't going the way I always assumed an interrogation went. I can't tell who's the good cop and who's supposed to handcuff me and frisk me enthusiastically.”

Jackson gave me a smile. “I am definitely the good cop.”

“Sweet.” I said and grinned at DeWolff. She just rolled her eyes.

“Do you have any idea where those guns came from?” Jackson asked me.

“Not officially.” I said and DeWolff gave me a pointed look. “I have to assume they are from the gang members I saw on the television this morning. I mean, how often do that many criminals get brought in at once and not one of them had a weapon on them?”

“How did you know they were unarmed?” DeWolff asked and jerked slightly, as if she was trying to not pounce on me.

“Nothing was mentioned on the news broadcast about it.” I said and looked at the black guy. “You can't tell me the reporters wouldn't have been all over it if the cops found fully automatic weapons on them.”

“You're right. That would have been the lead fact they would have used and not the million dollars in drugs glued to their heads.” Jackson admitted.

“Is that one guy they showed still saying he didn't do anything?” I asked and laughed. “That was hilarious! Believe me, I'm a liar! Ha ha!”

Jackson laughed and DeWolff couldn't stop her smile.

“There it is! That's the smile I wanted.” I said and sat back feeling satisfied. “I was started to regret using a great pickup line the other day on a paramedic.”

“Go ahead and try it.” DeWolff said with a serious voice.

“It won't mean as much if you know it's coming.” I said and Jackson waved for me to talk. “If being sexy was a crime, you'd be on the FBI's most wanted list.”

Jackson laughed and DeWolff looked amused.

“It's close, right? I know it's missing something.” I said and then DeWolff smiled. “Oho! Another one!”

Jackson laughed some more.

“Please enlighten this poor soul with your brilliance.” I said and nodded to her.

“You should change it to the top of the most wanted list.” DeWolff said, a little smugly.

“Oh, damn! That really is brilliant!” I said and Jackson nodded in agreement.

“I might use that one myself.” Jackson muttered and took out a notepad and wrote it down.

“Maybe use the original and change it up a bit and say you'll help them get there?” I asked and he grinned at me.

“Nice one, Parker. I like it.” Jackson said and made the addition.

“This is supposed to be an interview.” DeWolff reminded us.

“You already know I found the guns, can only guess where they came from, and I turned them in for the reward. You also know I enjoy flirting my ass off, just to make beautiful women smile, and you said it yourself that you were my prime target.” I said with a grin. “Do you need to know anything else?”

Jackson laughed and put his notebook away. “I wish all of my interviews were like this one.” He said and nodded at DeWolff. “Thanks for inviting me in.”

DeWolff sighed, because she knew when she was beaten. “All right, fine. You're free to go.”

I stood and held a hand out to her. “Thank you for making this as painless as possible.”

DeWolff gave my hand a look and then accepted it and put her hand in mine.

I didn't hesitate as I bent over it and kissed the back of it.

“BAHAHAHA!” Jackson laughed pretty hard. “I saw that coming a mile away!”

“So did I.” DeWolff said with a smirk.

“Ha! Playing the player! Nice one.” I said and actually shook her hand before I let it go. “It really was nice meeting you, Detective DeWolff.”

“If you find any more guns, be sure to turn them in as soon as possible.” DeWolff said and stood.

“Can I have your number? I'll call as soon as I find anything useful for you to use.” I said with a straight face.

Jackson laughed and slapped me on the shoulder. “Yep, big brass balls.”

“You can call the precinct and the desk sergeant can relay to me.” DeWolff said, also with a straight face.

“There goes my idea to have you hunt for clues in my underwear.” I joked and put on my backpack as Jackson opened the interrogation room's door for us.

“I doubt I'd find much in snug kiddie underwear that probably has Winnie the Pooh on them.” DeWolff joked right back as we left the room.

“I'll have you know I wear boxers because the boys need breathing room down there. Tight underwear reduces sperm count and contributes to sexual dysfunction and potential impotence later in life.”

Both Jackson and DeWolff stopped walking and stared at me.

“It's never too early to start proper care for the testes.” I said and they exchanged looks. “I suppose that's not well known?”

Jackson gave me a pointed look. “You're not joking, are you? I just bought a pack of BVDs.”

“If they're briefs, exchange them for the boxers.” I said. “Trust me. You feel better not having them so cramped and it keeps their temperature lower than your body, as nature intended. Your sperm count will rise, the little guys last longer, and the color is better. It doesn't do anything for the taste, though.”

“Jesus, kid.” DeWolff whispered.

“I'm sorry, Detective DeWolff.” I said, because I couldn't tell if she was impressed or disgusted. “I beg for the lady's forgiveness.”

She gave me an odd look before she nodded. “Let's get you sorted out at the front desk.”

“Yes, ma'am.” I agreed and followed her and a quiet black man through the station to the front desk.

The staff sergeant there did up a bank voucher for the guns I had turned in and I stared at the numbers. It was $500 each for the two illegal guns and $200 for each of the 20 handguns. I didn't get anything for the knives, which meant I probably could have kept them. Five thousand dollars was nothing to sneeze at, though. They even gave me back the gym bag.

“Don't you dare go hunting for more guns to turn in.” DeWolff said when she saw my reaction. “They are worth a lot more than that on the street and gangs will kill you if they find out you took them.”

“I know, detective. I promise I won't go out looking.” I said and put the voucher in my wallet. “This was just a huge surprise to get for something I found.” And a very convenient excuse to explain all of that money I had stashed in my closet. I thought. Who knew that turning in guns could be so lucrative?

“Then you're free to go.” DeWolff said and motioned to the front door of the precinct.

“What about our scheduled date?” I asked with a smile.

“You better lay off with the pick-up lines or you'll feel my high heel shoe stuck in your ass.”

I perked up at that and clenched my butt for the full effect. “I thought using handcuffs was going to be kinky enough for a first date. I never suspected you were into foot play, too.”

Jackson barked a laugh and grabbed me by the collar. “I'm gonna save you before she blows her top.”

I flailed my arms a little and waited until he had dragged me to the door to whisper. “Thanks, Detective Jackson.”

“It's the least I could do for making me laugh so much, kid.” Jackson whispered back and then spoke normally. “Get your ass out of here before it's my boot lodged between your cheeks!”

“Yessir!” I said and gave him a hasty salute and ran for it. The laughs that followed me were totally worth embarrassing myself.

I ran around the building and climbed up to where I had stashed my extra cell phone and my web shooters. I put them in my backpack and climbed back down to go to the nearest bus stop. I had spent a lot longer out on my walk that was not easily explainable without the voucher in my pocket.

May is definitely going to be surprised. I thought with a grin.

*

May stared at the government issued and police verified voucher in her hands. She had been surprised when Ben's paycheck was almost twice what she had expected. Now she was completely shocked at seeing ten times that much and it was all perfectly legal and had already had the taxes taken off!

“Breathe, May. Breathe.” Ben said and slowly rubbed her back.

“I can't believe this.” May whispered after taking a breath that she had apparently forgotten to do in her shock. “I can't believe it!”

“Yeah, welcome to my world.” Ben said with a chuckle. “I was pretty shocked when I found the bag and had the bright idea to turn it in to the cops. I jokingly asked for a reward when I handed them over, not realizing they actually do reward people for turning them in.”

“Ben... you...”

“They must be in detective heaven as they examine the ballistics and compare them to other crimes.” Ben said with a knowing look. “Crap! I could have claimed credit for solving crimes, too!”

May gave him an unimpressed look. “You are not to go hunting for more guns, mister!”

“Ha!” Ben barked the laugh. “Detective DeWolff said the same thing when the desk sergeant handed me that voucher.”

May nodded. “She's a smart woman.”

“You just sneakily complimented yourself! I'm so proud!” Ben said to make her laugh and hugged her.

“You're going to be very careful with this money, Ben. Most young men don't have access to this kind of money, so you are not going to waste it.” May said. “With your paycheck adding to it every two weeks, you're going to have quite a nice savings in a few years.”

Ben gave her a sheepish look.

“What's the look for?” May asked.

“I looked up the patents registry and it's fifteen hundred dollars per patent when they are approved.” Ben said and May's eyes widened. “I've got two patents I can file immediately and I can wait for a while to register the third.”

“What? Why?” May asked. “That's only $4,500 and...”

“I want to give you the other two grand to put towards that first hospital bill.” Ben said and her eyes widened. “I know you had to dip into your savings to cover it, so I wanted to give you as much of that back as soon as possible.”

“Ben, you shouldn't be worrying about that.” May said in a soft voice.

“I'm not.” Ben said and she looked at his face to see he was smiling. “This was all just a happy coincidence that accelerated my plans forward. Finding illegal guns, doing the right thing and turning them in instead of keeping them or trying to sell them, and getting a reward for it?” He chuckled. “I feel like getting you to cash it for me tomorrow and we can roll around in it before we spend it all.”

May couldn't stop her laugh. “You've been watching too many of the things I like, Mister Parker! All we need is a talking monkey, three bottles of wine, and a flying carpet, and everything will be perfect!”

Ben hugged her tightly and laughed, too.