ALL NOVEL Volume 3.9: Fears
Hana’s Perspective
“Onee-san…I could never hate you.”
As we lied on the futon together…her crying slowly faded to a somber whisper as she finally fell asleep. For a moment, she was wailing to the heavens, and then suddenly, the next, she was sleeping like a baby. This side to my Onee-san, Nakagawa Madoka, was painful as I held her in my arms. It felt like if I put too much pressure on her, she’d crumble and turn to dust.
“…Onee-san.”
I placed my chin on her head. Her soft hair reminded me that she was just a simple girl.
“My mom? You…like my mom in that way?”
…I wondered for how long have you been battling these feelings, Madoka? Where did these feelings come from? Did they show up after your coma or before? That’s when the tears began to flow down my cheeks. I wondered if anyone has ever heard her cry like this? The pain that vibrated through her voice…was like a ship sinking to the bottom of the ocean along with all its passengers. It was…tragic.
“How long…did you hold in these feelings for?”
But why mom? What attracted Madoka to my mom? I…can’t even believe I’m asking this kind of question. But then, looking back through all the memories. The touches between them, the fighting, the awkwardness.
Why Onee-san would ask me about mom... Why mom talked about her, Onee-san...all the time.
I was blind, wasn’t I?
Now I bit my bottom lip as I pieced more together. All the questions that Madoka asked about mom...all the times she desperately wanted to get closer to her...But all I did was blindly do what I had to in order to make sure they were...family.
I wanted to hit my head against the floor as I thought about all the things I let pass me...
Mom…Nakagawa Ayumi…tried to kill herself in the past. But all I did was look the other way. I didn’t even question why my mom’s girlfriend was so standoffish at the start. I just figured…that maybe she was just as confused about the entire situation as I was.
I closed my eyes to remember when we first met. The memory came back to me like a video replaying in my mind.
“Hana, I like to introduce you to…Nakagawa Ayumi. She’s the coworker I’ve told you about…”
My mom closed her eyes and smiled brightly at me.
“And now…I am in a relationship with her.”
“…In a relationship with her? What do you mean?”
“…You’re just as lovely as your mom…said, Hana-chan.”
This strange woman, who was painfully beautiful, stared at me. Her amber hair washed along her back. Those bright blue gem eyes pierced my soul. But…something about her felt painfully sad about them. Like she was a wounded animal that was finally let out of its cage. Afraid of the world and anyone in it.
“…I don’t get it, mom.”
Mom held her chest and announced it again as if that would clarify everything.
“I’m dating Nakagawa Ayumi. I…I like her, Hana.”
That was the first time I’ve ever been exposed to the idea of two girls liking one another. It was foreign to me. Afterward, she actually introduced me to Nakagawa Madoka. The girl who she talked about the most…more than Nakagawa Ayumi…her mother. It was like I was viewing a bunch of jigsaw pieces from above. As I started asking questions and thinking about everything more clearly…did it start to come to me. So, slowly I picked these pieces up and put the puzzle together, creating a full picture.
“Oh…god…”
It was right there this whole time, wasn’t it? The reason why mom talked so much about this normal girl…no, this special normal girl. It’s because…it’s because she was always special to my mom…wasn’t she?
“What the hell, mom?”
I whispered as I prayed that Madoka didn’t hear my scorn of my mother. She’s done everything for me. She gave me a warm place to sleep, took care of me alone, loved me unconditionally…but…but…
Why did she do this? What the hell was she thinking when she…fell in love with my Onee-chan?
“I’m…so sorry, Madoka-chan.”
How I wasn’t there to help you. You must have been suffering for a while now and did everything in your power to make sure I wasn’t hurt….to make sure mom, your mom, wasn’t hurt. How…how selfless of you. How…
“Stupid…you’re so stupid.”
I cried the words that weren’t true at all as I pet her hair softly. I understood why she did it but…
“We’re family. Why…why didn’t you tell me?”
Even though I already knew the answer. Even though I’ve already concluded why she didn’t want to hurt us. It still pained me to know that she might have been hurting for a while now.
All the long stares, were you thinking about mom? All the quiet moments that you thought to yourself…were you imagining mom with you…instead of your mom in that spot? I…I couldn’t imagine a pain worse than that for your heart.
“…There’s nothing I can do to ease your pain, is there, Onee-chan?”
Yes…Onee-chan. She’s not just any Onee-san…she’s my Onee-chan. She's mine... And I want her to be able to trust me…to trust us. To trust our family. Yes, it would have hurt if she told us her feelings. Yes, there’s a chance that…it might have broken everything we hold dear right now…
But if it didn’t…we’d grow stronger, wouldn’t we?
“…But then…that’s only my opinion…”
Yes, I’m not the one who suffered this long in love with someone who she couldn’t have. I’m not the person who probably cried herself to sleep when she saw the person she loved in the arms of another. And…I’m certainly not the one who confessed to my mom tonight…and sacrificed all those feelings for the sake of…us.
“…What are we going to do?”
I was lost…I couldn’t figure this out alone. How can I find a way to put a smile on my heartbroken Onee-chan?
“I…I don’t know how to fix this.”
Throughout the time that we became a family…I’ve always believed that I could help bring everything together.
Maybe one day Madoka would gladly call my mom, mom…and everything would be right with the world…
But I was wrong…
Others were suffering in ways I could have never imagined.
…How much I hate myself for being blind.
I tried my best to be accepting, to be loyal, and show them that I would do anything in my power to love them… So no matter what, I would defend anything that came against mom and mom.
But recently, I’ve noticed that I have fundamental weaknesses in the way I operate. I have a problem when it comes to seeing things from other's perspectives. Like when I was with my old group of friends in primary school. Sora-chan, Yuipi, Suzu-chan, and Sakura-san. Because the only person who defended me was Sora-chan, she became my only ally.
But that wasn’t true at all. Yuipi was too afraid to stick her neck out…and I didn’t know Suzu-chan all too well for her to step in and confront Sakura-san. Sora-chan only did it…because she was that kind of person. I…have a problem when it comes to seeing the big picture. I blind myself and cast that ignorance as loyalty, don’t I?
“What do I do now?”
Now coming to terms with my problems…how do I change my ways and solve this problem?
…I don’t know how to soothe my Onee-chan’s heart. There’s no way she’d wake up tomorrow and all these feelings would be gone…
“…I’ll listen to everything, Onee-chan. Then…then we can confront this as a family.”
That…would be my only answer right now.
To listen to her pain…
Hear her cries and understand what happened that made these two…feel this way about one another.
But then…for the sake of the family, wouldn’t it be best if she…just let it go like she said she would?
How cruel that sounded for me to say. After hearing her cries of pain tonight. Maybe…maybe I’ll let her make that choice. It’s her heart in the end…
“And I’ll do everything…to guard your wounded heart from now on.”
I…won’t ever allow anyone to make my Onee-chan cry the way she did tonight. Even if that person is my mom.
Because I love her… and I’d do anything to protect her happiness.
But where is the limit to that? Where do I draw the line?