ALL NOVEL 46. Nightmares and Paternal Feelings
Jay had misunderstood my somber attitude at the lounge, but he was absolutely right that I needed some rest. The day had been quite the roller coaster of emotions and the time to digest them all was most definitely necessary. My girlfriend proved to be a distraction in this, but I wasn’t exactly arguing with her on it, either. I appreciated the chance to get my mind off of things.
Sleep came way later than it should have, with me staring at the ceiling, rethinking my entire life. So much of who I had been before was just a mask, I realized. A mask, hiding the scared and lonely girl inside. Nobody had ever really cared about me before so I had shut myself away so that nobody could hurt me. I wouldn’t give them the chance.
Now, after two decades of building it, that mask was crumbling in the face of enough life-changing events and tragedies for a lifetime paired with paradigm-shattering realizations that would no doubt be haunting me for years to come.
My dreams that night twisted like lines on a battlefield. The dark shadows of my doubts, anxieties and traumas warring against the radiant fire that was my resolve to not be beaten by this life. Memories with faces were the weapons in this fight.
A shadowed form of a mother that didn’t want me.
The grizzled and toughened face of Captain Blackburn teaching me how to realign a coupling.
The snakeish visage of my former boss that saw me as only a tool and later a threat to be disposed of.
Another face made of living code rather than flesh, never asking but always supporting.
A mocking image of a caregiver that told me that I’d never amount to anything more than an orphaned outcast.
The glowing eyes of my girlfriend telling me that I didn’t need to be alone.
And countless more, trading back forth like cannon fire. Needless to say, it wasn’t a very restful night.
The next day brought another shift in the tug, which I completed with my usual level of professionalism, even if I rather lacked my usual enthusiasm for it. After finishing the job at hand though, I called up my old captain. I needed to clear the air after the night before, and I needed to do it right. That meant meeting up with him and talking in person, no matter how hard it was going to be.
Thankfully, he was willing to meet me in one of the observation areas in the hab ring that his and Erickson Senior’s temporary quarters were located in. As this was a more informal encounter, I didn't even bother changing out of my flight suit and just tied the sleeves around my waist rather than wear it properly. As comfortable as the suit was, it was still a bit bulky compared to normal clothes.
The lounge we decided to meet in was a smaller affair than most on the station as it was generally reserved for those in transient quarters and out of the way for others. There were still a couple vendors there, but they were nothing fancy, just a coffee shop and a tiny automated cafe.
My old captain walked in just a minute after I sat down with a heavily sweetened coffee drink that was likely more chocolate than it was coffee. As it turned out, I rather agreed with Echo now about such drinks. I really couldn’t drink black coffee like I had before, it was too bitter to really enjoy. I needed any comfort I could find while I chewed through the thoughts that were bouncing around my mind at lightspeed.
“Adresta? Is everything alright? You seemed a touch off when you called.” He sat in an armchair next to me.
I wasn’t able to speak immediately, instead staring out the viewscreen into the depths of space for several precious moments while I formulated an appropriate response. Even when I did speak up again, it wasn’t really answering the question.
“Why did you take me on, all those years ago? I was just a kid. I didn’t know anything about the world, didn’t know anything about working on a ship. Why would you hire me?” My tone stayed even, carefully modulated to keep my emotions from leaking through.
The old engineer breathed deeply and took a large gulp from a thermal mug he’d evidently brought with him.
“Starting right in on it, I guess. Well, I had already planned on signing someone soon because we were a hand short on the Forge. As for why I took you? You were persistent, for one. I couldn’t hardly go more than a couple hours without hearing reports of the local teen that was watching the ship and crew. Once I met you though,” a pregnant pause filled the air and Jay turned in his seat to look directly at me. “I could tell that you needed a purpose, you needed something more than what that station could give you.”
We both took a drink after that. The man was being incredibly insightful for someone who had avoided anything other than being an engineer for literal decades. Even as a captain, he rarely introduced himself as such, preferring to simply refer to himself as a chief engineer even in situations requiring his leadership.
“You could tell all of that from one meeting,” I asked quietly. It was true, Captain Blackburn had met with me exactly once officially before telling me that I had better have my bags packed. I hadn’t been expecting it at all at the time, but I hadn’t even thought to question why until just recently.
“I wasn’t blind, Adresta. You aren’t the only crew member I had taken on for those reasons, so I knew what to look for. Of course, you weren’t as good at hiding your emotions as you thought you were, either. Beyond all of that though, I saw your willingness to do what it took to succeed. You wanted desperately to be seen. I wasn’t that much different when I was young. I never would have joined the military if not for my desire to be worth something. I could see a bit of myself in you. I couldn’t allow life to break you like it did others I’ve known. So, I took you in. I made sure you had work, and gave you the tools you needed to succeed, both in the job and in life.”
My only choice was to allow the long, deep breath to happen, lest my breath be taken from me. His words were impactful, cutting right to the heart of my doubts. The only words that I could force from my mouth were, “You really did care, didn’t you?”
That earned me an inquisitive glance, one that seemed to show the man's honest confusion as to how I hadn't understood this before. “Of course I did, Adresta." He told me. "I always have. As much as I hated playing favorites within my crew, you were always special. Once I found out more of your background, I couldn’t help but care. You may not remember, but not long after you joined, the head of ship maintenance made a fuss about you because of your lack of training and talked an awful lot of shit about you because of your past and age. He didn’t stay a member of my crew for much longer.”
“Wow,” I said quietly without really intending to. I really had been wrong, completely so, in fact. To his credit, Jay gave me all the time I needed to process his statement.
“You know…” I began. “After growing up on MacNair, I thought I knew how people worked. They only served themselves. If I had no value to someone as an asset, why would anyone ever give a damn about me? So when you let me join up, I assumed I was just another worker, that you only taught me stuff because it made me into a better tool. I willingly played that part because that was all I knew how to do. That’s why it took me so off guard when you looked so hurt because I wanted to move on after we rescued that Torgal ship.”
I made zero effort to conceal any of the emotions I was feeling at that moment. I wanted this man to see exactly how much I regretted being so blind. I wanted him to see me, and not just the mask I kept on for other people.
Somehow, despite my somber mood, the retired captain found humor in the situation. “That's teenagers for you. So caught up in themselves. None of us are really immune to that stage.” With a bit of hesitation, he reached over to place a hand on my arm. “In all seriousness though, Adresta, you can’t help the way you were raised. There are scars there that will never leave you. You can’t change the past either, what’s done is done. That you see it now means I did my job right. You’ve grown into a fine woman with the entire galaxy open to you. I’m proud to have taken a small part in that, no matter the rocky bits along the way.”
Though it had always been the biggest factor in him never making it past the rank of commander in his military days, one of my mentor’s best qualities, in my mind, was his inability to mince words. If he said it, Jay meant it. That fact nearly got him in trouble a few times with self important ship owners unhappy with their repair bills, but his crew respected him for it. Jay may not have been a gentle boss, but he was straightforward, honest, and always willing to lead by example. So when he looked me in the eyes at that moment, I was confident that there was no deception in his words.
“Everyone deserves a chance to be something greater than they once were, to rise above where they started. You were dealt a rough hand. All I did was even the playing field a bit. You were the one that took it and ran. You were the one that capitalized on the opportunity. Yes, it hurt when you left. Not because you left, but because I was worried about you going off on your own. That’s why I instanced Codex and bungled together a workable AI core to house it in. I’d have hated to see you regress back into the lonely teen I hired.”
Fighting to speak through the heavy emotions was starting to feel like trying to wade through molasses, but I didn’t want to break down in the sparsely populated but still public lounge.
“Vox has been an incredible friend. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I don’t think I would have survived without her, to say nothing of how she saved me from…” The words caught in my throat and it was only after a shuddering breath that I was able to just make the name come out of my mouth. “...The Oxide incident.” I hated describing it that way, but depersonalizing from the still far too raw memory was my only path through that dark corner of my mind. My legs pulled up into the plush couch I was sitting on and I hugged them to my chest. “Family and friends never were my strong suit, I guess.”
The non-sequitur didn't land with the captain, it seemed. “No, they weren’t. But you can’t really blame yourself for that one.” He looked down at his idle hands restlessly and an awkward silence settled over us until he spoke again, uncertainty in his tone. “I can’t exactly say they are mine either, but I at least had some examples. I’ll give you the same advice my father once gave me after I left the navy; ‘Remember where you come from, never forget who you are, but never stop moving forward. The past has its place and deserves respect, just don’t let it hold you back.’”
Despite Jay’s uncomfortable shifting, I was hanging on to his every word. I trusted him and… dare I say it, I loved the man for what he did and was actively doing for me.
“I guess what I’m trying to say, Adresta,” he continued. “Is that as long as you keep breathing, you still have a chance at becoming better. I’m just an engineer, a working man, so I’m no expert. I’m not good at this whole family business either, but please remember that I’m never more than a call away."
I am not ashamed (anymore at least) to admit that I cried in that lounge. I got out of my seat and grabbed on to Jay Blackburn like my life depended on it. “I never had a father,” I told him. “But at least I had you. Thank you.”
My mentor was less awkward this time around when his arms responded in kind, though the man was still a bit stiff.
“I uhh…” Jay stuttered. "I may not always show it, but never doubt that you are wanted, Adresta. Never doubt that.”