Solo For Two

“Sasha, there’s no kindness in this world without a price. So always be cautious of people’s favors, and don’t easily give away your heart.”

Young Sasha remembered the words his mother, Galina, always used to say. But as a child, he couldn’t understand why among the many truths of life his mother had encountered, this one was emphasized the most.

With long eyelashes, chubby cheeks ready to burst, and soft pink lips, adorable Sasha received kindness from everyone, adults and children alike. However, living on appearance alone was shallow, and especially for the poor, it could easily lead to ridicule. Galina, who knew this well, educated Sasha on the need to be wary of people’s kindness.

She also told young Sasha to live a modest life, staying as inconspicuous as possible.

Sasha thought about it. Living an ordinary life wasn’t difficult at all. He had no desire to become like his friends who ended up in prison for robbery, nor did he want to live like the neighbor who had been married eight times. He simply wanted to be an ordinary peasant like his brother Levin.

And one day, fleeing his homeland, Sasha thought again. He should have realized sooner why his mother had given him such teachings.

***

Sasha started dancing at the age of eleven. However, it wouldn’t be accurate to say he “started” formally, as there were hurdles. Compared to professional dancers who started training at five or even younger, he was quite late, and the reason he started wasn’t a planned decision either.

It was the day when the school invited ballet dancers for a special class. Sasha had initially planned to go ice skating with his friends at that time. But seeing him worried about there being few people attending the special class, his favorite teacher eventually convinced him to change his plans.

“Sasha’s here. What a pleasant surprise! You’re the only boy here.”

The teacher’s words were true. But for a moment, Sasha felt embarrassed. However, as soon as the class started, Sasha became the most noticeable student. He received a lot of praise for following the movements well after just one look.

Sasha, who hadn’t received much attention due to his quiet nature and lack of opportunities to stand out, remembered the excitement he felt that day for a long time. He returned home practicing the learned movements dozens of times, excitedly bragging to his mother.

But Galina dismissed Sasha’s words as insignificant.

“It must have been fun, perhaps because you came, she felt honored by it.”

Sasha fell silent. He wanted to say that he was praised because he did really well, but upon reflection, his mother’s words seemed to ring true.

However, a few days later, the teacher from that special class came back to school specifically to meet Sasha.

When Sasha found out, his little heart started pounding like crazy.

“To do ballet, you need not only talent in using your body but also innate physical conditions. Your thin and long neck, straight knees, and round insteps… it’s hard to find someone with your physical conditions. I would really like it if you started ballet,” she praised Sasha repeatedly, saying, “You are special,” and recommended him to enroll in a dance school, saying he could easily catch up with other kids if he started now.

While the teacher was having a long conversation with Sasha’s mother Galina inside the house, Sasha paced outside with a fluttering heart.

He had a feeling that his life was about to change.

His head was about to burst with anticipation for the dance school he hadn’t even visited yet.

“If I go there, can I dance all day? No, it’s something I don’t know yet. But if I really go, I should work hard… I wonder who would be the second-best dancer at that school?”

After a while, his mother and the teacher came out of the room. The dance teacher gently stroked Sasha’s head, looking at him with a somber expression.

“Take care, Sasha.”

And that was their last meeting. Sasha’s life didn’t change.

Galina firmly stated that she couldn’t send Sasha to a boarding school 200 kilometers away from home. Initially, Sasha was saddened by losing the opportunity, but since he had never imagined living away from his family, he eventually accepted his mother’s decision.

But Sasha didn’t give up dancing.

Whenever he had the chance, Sasha participated in dance classes of other grades. Eventually, with the teacher’s recommendation, he even started attending classes in other villages on weekends. Although he had to walk 10 kilometers alone through desolate farmland each time, it wasn’t particularly difficult.

It was a little embarrassing. At first, he couldn’t hold his head up high because of the other kids who whispered about a boy liking ballet.

However, while other children anxiously spun one or two pirouettes, Sasha could endlessly whirl away if he set his mind to it. Amidst children clumsily jumping over puddles or stumbling, Sasha could gracefully execute grand jetés alone like a bird soaring. Then, instead of whispers, admiration echoed from all around.

Even if someone attended classes in ragged ballet shoes given to them, without proper practice attire, and even from the back row, Sasha was the most noticeable when he danced.

But his mother, who wanted nothing more than to showcase such talent, was infuriated when she found out that Sasha was attending dance classes every weekend. The reason was simple: he was “not ordinary.”

Sasha couldn’t understand this reasoning. And eventually, he started sneaking out of the house again on weekends.

When he was caught the second time learning ballet, he faced severe punishment. Galina tore apart the only pair of shoes Sasha had, and she punished the usually gentle youngest son.

Sasha was confined to his room after being beaten. He couldn’t leave the closet as the time for class approached. Sobbing, Sasha said, “I just do it because I love it. I love it… Why can’t I do what I love?”

“I’ve told you so many times. You need to live an ordinary life,” Galina said, crying herself, so Sasha couldn’t blame his mother.

Unable to attend dance classes again, unable to even bid farewell to his teacher and friends, and knowing his mother wouldn’t approve, Sasha cried bitterly until he couldn’t breathe that day.

After a while, exhausted from crying, Sasha, trapped in the dark closet, thought to himself, “I just want to do what I love.”

Is that not ordinary?

Galina didn’t believe a man could become a dancer, nor did she think he could earn enough to make a living. And even if it were possible, she didn’t believe Sasha could be the hero of such a miracle.

A few days later, she applied a bitter ointment to Sasha’s bruised body from the beatings, and said, looking into Sasha’s eyes, “Sasha, success truly requires talent.”

Looking into his mother’s eyes, Sasha forgave her easily.

But since that day, Sasha grew fearful of Galina’s words. He was afraid he might not possess that “talent” she spoke of. Already loving dance so much, if God hadn’t given him talent, it would only remain an unrequited love throughout his life.

After that, Sasha obediently followed Galina’s words and instead of learning ballet, he went to the fields with his peasant brother.

While his brother toiled away, Sasha would play with dirt or nap under the shade of a tree. But to Levin, his brother, Sasha was just a cute little brother who tagged along every day. Galina, seeing Sasha no longer stubbornly resisting, felt greatly relieved. Seeing the peace returning to the family as soon as Sasha listened to her, Sasha thought it was a wise choice to quit ballet.

Sasha would occasionally mimic ballet moves when he was alone until he got tired of the dirt fields. It was much later when someone noticed Sasha, drawing circles on the ground with his toes while lying down.

“Sasha, do you know ballet?”

The one who spotted Sasha and spoke was Mrs. Dorley, who lived in the same village. She was a real ballet dancer who had danced ballet since childhood and even received sponsorship from a baron.

“Just a little.”

“You’re really good!”

Sasha didn’t know how to react to the praise from a real ballerina. Mrs. Dorley, seeing Sasha blush, invited him to her house, let him eat cookies to his heart’s content, and then told him if he wanted to learn ballet, he could come to her house anytime.

Struggling between not wanting to defy his mother’s words, wanting to attend ballet classes, and remembering Mrs. Dorley, who never scolded him even when he ate lots of cookies, Sasha finally knocked on her door after a few days. Mrs. Dorley, feeling lonely with no children of her own and her husband transferred to another town, told Sasha he could come to learn ballet anytime.

Sasha visited her house two to five times a week.

Mrs. Dorley taught Sasha the music and steps of ballet, helping him perform proper variations, and taught him daily training methods so he could practice even when they couldn’t meet.

If only she had been his teacher from the beginning, how wonderful would that have been?

For the first two years, it was truly unconditional kindness. But during that time, Sasha grew taller, his once slender shoulders broadened, and he slowly began to show signs of masculinity. With a body as graceful and flexible as a birch tree branch, Sasha’s face showed no trace of adolescence, his skin remaining fair and flawless.

Then came the day when Mrs. Dorley began to feel around Sasha’s clothes under the pretext of helping him stretch.

At that moment, Sasha understood the true meaning of his mother’s habitual words.

“Sasha, there’s no kindness in this world without a price.”

Galina had said that people with striking appearances like Sasha’s often easily attract shallow affection from others. She warned that such affection usually had ulterior motives, and believing in such kindness blindly would only lead to naivety and ignorance.

Until Mrs. Dorley crossed the line, Sasha sincerely appreciated the kindness she bestowed and felt saddened by his inability to repay her. Ultimately, he believed that earnestly learning from her was the greatest repayment he could offer.

He had been ignorant of the ways of the world, just as his mother had warned.

Sasha struggled between his desire to learn more and his desire to reject her.

But his dilemma didn’t last long. It was because Mrs. Dorley’s husband, Stephan, who had been transferred to another area, returned to the village. Thinking that Mrs. Dorley had changed, Stephan began searching for her lover, and Sasha, who had knocked on the door of her house unaware of anything, was beaten by Stephan, who was waiting on the porch.

Then, Stephan grabbed Sasha by the hair and headed straight to Sasha’s house. In front of Galina, shocked by the sudden intrusion of their neighbor, Stephan demanded an explanation of what Sasha and Mrs. Dorley had been doing alone together.

But Sasha couldn’t tell the truth in front of his mother, who had told him not to dance anymore.

After that, Mrs. Dorley left with her husband to their new assignment location. Alone in his room, Sasha practiced the positions she had taught him and thought to himself.

“Maybe her words about me having talent weren’t sincere. Maybe she just said that to reassure me…”

Even as he repeated the movements while staring into the mirror, Sasha couldn’t discern whether his movements were better than others or not. There was no comparison to make.

“What if I really don’t have talent?”

Sasha felt despair. By then, he vaguely understood the harsh truth of life: the more desperate you are, the harder it is to attain what you desire.

It was the end of adolescence.

What does it mean to live an ordinary life?

“Sasha, my poor son. Now it’s just you and me in this world…”

It was when Sasha was seventeen. His brother Levin, who was the head of the household, got involved in a peasant revolt and was shot dead. What exactly is an ordinary life? As far as Sasha knew, Levin was the most ordinary person. He just wanted to live faithfully as a peasant, as a laborer.

But his life ended in premature death.

By then, Sasha vaguely realized the truth that one cannot make life special or ordinary by sheer willpower. Perhaps living with determination itself is an extraordinary life. The truth he grasped through his brother’s death was too bitter.

Beside his weeping mother, holding Levin’s body, Sasha made a vow.

“Mother, I won’t live relying on my willpower.”

“What do you mean?”

“Exactly what you want, to live an ordinary life.”

Did his mother feel relieved hearing his words? Or did she cry?

It’s already too long ago. Sasha couldn’t remember much anymore.

In Sasha’s small hometown, there lived a Tatar fortune teller with black hair. Her black hair, which never turned gray, made her appear much younger than her age. Some said she was the descendant of a witch who came from across the border.

Sasha felt a sense of intimacy with her black hair, just like his own, so he often visited her house since childhood.

One day she said to Sasha, “You have a mole under your eye. If you have a mole here, it means you will cry a lot in your life.”

“But I don’t cry often.”

She looked at Sasha with pity in her eyes as she gently brushed his round forehead visible through the hair with her hands, the nails of which were long. Although her jewelry on her wrist pricked Sasha’s eyelids, it didn’t hurt much. Because it was filled with affection.

“Bear with your life.”

Years later, she disappeared from the village. No one knew if she was alive or dead.

When Sasha told his mother about this incident, Galina got angry, saying that she had cursed him. But Sasha remembered her sad eyes for a long time. Those eyes seemed to foresee his fate from afar.

How many tears must one shed to break free from that curse?

When fleeing his hometown without even settling his mother’s corpse, Sasha remembered the fortune teller’s words. Sasha shed tears throughout the arduous journey. Tears froze on his cheeks in the cold wind. Overwhelmed by the sadness of bidding farewell to his mother, not knowing if it was their last day together, Sasha forgot how to speak for a while. He didn’t want to eat, and he couldn’t sleep even if he lay down.

If human life truly flows according to a predetermined fate, how many more tears must I shed in the future?

Lost in despair, wandering the unfamiliar city, Sasha encountered a man who showed genuine kindness for the first time.

That was Karel.

Sasha first met Karel in a small inn in a town whose name he couldn’t even remember.

Since crossing the border, Sasha had never tasted warm food. It was winter, and even the lukewarm tomato soup he had for the first time in the inn, seeking pity, was cold. The stranger approached and offered Sasha a piece of still-warm shashlik. Sasha’s stomach, accustomed to hunger, rumbled as soon as it caught the scent of meat. The man who shared his food had warm golden hair and seemed well-off enough to make Sasha feel humble.

“Nobleman.”

Sasha was too intimidated by the nobleman to even say thank you.

With the warm food in front of him, memories of the meals his mother used to make flooded Sasha’s mind. The incident of fleeing with his mother’s corpse felt like a distant past. Realizing that he would never eat her food again, tears welled up in Sasha’s eyes. He bowed his head deeply, trying to suppress his sobs, and swallowed the meat.

That night, due to the oily meal he had eaten after a long time, coupled with the tears, Sasha eventually fell seriously ill. Writhing in pain as if his stomach was being squeezed, he began to vomit on the straw when he heard a noise from outside.

At first, Sasha thought it was the innkeeper and was frightened. Thinking he would soon be chased away, the door opened, revealing the same kind noble young man from before.

“…His blond hair shimmered.”

The dense blond hair, illuminated by moonlight and crimson gaslights, looked smooth. Though Sasha was still afraid of the nobleman, he realized that the man was trying to show kindness to him and silently followed him.

And when he was given a vacant spot on the bed, Sasha finally understood why the nobleman had brought him into the room.

All kindness comes at a cost. Even the nobleman handed Sasha a wad of money. When Sasha refused, he even forcibly squeezed the money into his hand.

“…A prostitute?”

But whether he understood was questionable.

For a moment, a thought flashed through Sasha’s mind. What if he were to be raped even without accepting the money? Imagining the worst-case scenario, he thought it would be better to take the money for now, even if he had to pay the price later. Besides, Sasha didn’t have a single penny. Homelessness was exhausting and dreadful.

Eventually, Sasha accepted the money.

And in order to “pay the price,” he exposed his own body to him first.

But the young man didn’t touch Sasha. Instead, he even handed him a robe and covered him with a blanket. His touch was polite, and there was no reproachful look in his eyes.

“…He wasn’t looking for a prostitute.”

In embarrassment, Sasha quickly felt his whole body heat up. In front of the noble young man, he felt as if he had fallen to the bottom.

“He was a philanthropist.”

!

He was, at least, not someone who sold his body. Fleeing in shame from the Duke’s offer to exchange the position of a steward for his body had been just a month ago, but a month of living had completely changed Sasha. He detested himself for even considering opening up to the nobleman first.

Sasha fell asleep, crying with self-loathing and shame.

Later, at the train station, buying a ticket, Sasha realized that the nobleman had given him quite a bit of money. It made him feel even more wretched. Someone was spending so much money out of pity alone, while he relied on such pity as a beggar.

The kindness received from the nobleman, Karel, during the journey, and the subsequent misery it caused, tormented Sasha for a long time.

***

He thought it was just an encounter that ended there.

“Well then. Where is kindness without a price tag in life?”

Meeting the nobleman again in the alleys of Paris, Sasha thought for a moment. He couldn’t help but think that way.

In the face of this remarkable coincidence, meeting again in a foreign country at an unexpected moment, Sasha thought, “There is a God.” It wasn’t a kind of hope. Rather, it felt like being pressured by debt. God had sent the nobleman back before his eyes to remind Sasha of the truth: “Pay the price.”

Sasha felt a momentary sadness when he met him in the alley. The nobleman he thought was noble turned out to be just someone who bought men with money, and he himself was a filthy, smelly beggar.

When the nobleman originally chased out the room’s owner, Sasha felt inwardly distressed, unsure of what to do. It was clear that instead of dealing with the room’s original occupant, who had paid generously a long time ago, the nobleman intended to take Sasha, who had already paid excessively. Even if he forced himself on Sasha and didn’t pay him, there was nothing he could say.

Sasha’s breath caught in inexplicable sorrow.

But the ensuing situation was completely unexpected.

“Sasha?”

He called Sasha by a nickname he had never taught him, then hugged Sasha and straightened him out. Under Sasha’s heavy body and hard muscles, he felt warmth, along with a feeling of being overwhelmed. It took a long time before Sasha could lift him onto the bed. His large stature and heavy body made even that difficult.

From outside, the room owner’s curses were constantly audible, and every time he kicked the door, Sasha’s body trembled. Whenever the door broke, he knew he would be thrown out, and another servant would take the nobleman’s place. Sasha wished such a thing wouldn’t happen.

And at every unbelievable moment, Sasha hoped that this young man who had saved him time and time again would show him kindness once more.

“I hope this person takes me away.”

Sasha thought, huddling up. If he left Sasha behind, who knew when he could escape from here again?

Since being dragged here by thugs, Sasha had already attempted to escape twice. And both attempts had failed. Escaping in a strange city, in a situation where no one spoke his language, was impossible from the start. When he escaped Russia, most of the fields were deserted, so he could run away while homeless, but in Paris, there were people everywhere. And his bruised body and torn clothes didn’t fit in with the elegant streets, attracting unnecessary attention.

Among them, what Sasha feared the most was the police. Armed police officers had once kindly detained Sasha and then handed him over to a pimp, and the next time they saw him, they were surprised and beat Sasha and handed him over to the pimp again.

“If only this person took me away…”

But why would a nobleman from the upper class show such compassion? Sasha hated his pitiful appearance. He had been a prosperous dancer until recently, and sometimes he wished he could meet him in that state again.

Sasha kept nodding off from fatigue, repeating the cycle of sleeping and waking.

And the next day, a miracle happened.

The nobleman, once again, showed kindness without asking for anything in return. He dressed Sasha in his coat and took him to the hotel in a luxurious carriage. Following him, when Sasha stepped into the elegant building, someone else opened the door for him, and no one cursed even when Sasha dirtied the sparkling marble floor with his dirty shoes. Instead, whenever their eyes met, servants smiled and bowed until Sasha passed completely. Sasha could tell it was all thanks to the nobleman enveloping his shoulders.

In the brightly lit building, when Sasha looked at the young nobleman again, he could see that he was a perfect gentleman, with a healthy and well-maintained physique, soft hair, and even a subtle scent of cologne. He was such an ideal man that Sasha didn’t want to accept that he had a hobby of buying men.

He seemed to like cleanliness, as he immediately pushed Sasha into the bathroom as soon as they arrived.