Speak of The Devil

“Was it bothering you back then?”“…It’s fine. It’s all in the past, and now that I know the reason, it’s okay.”“It won’t happen again in the future. If you want, I’ll delete your phone number right now. No, let’s delete it.”“Ah, it’s okay. It’s a business-related connection. No need to delete anything.”Now that there was no reason to manage unwanted connections, Jung Yiyeon felt relieved. Since he couldn’t bring himself to say those words, he responded with a smile. He was satisfied to see that Lee Nan’s face was much more relaxed than before. Jung Yiyeon wrapped his arms around Lee Nan’s shoulders and gently pulled him closer.“I’ll make up for the French restaurant bill soon.”In a whispering voice, Lee Nan finally raised his gaze to look directly at Jung Yiyeon. Jung Yiyeon, like a woman coquettishly displaying affection to a man who only looks at her, leaned in a bit closer and whispered again.“I’ll buy you something really delicious. Let’s go for something better, okay?”“It’s okay. It’s already late.”Lee Nan gently nudged Jung Yiyeon’s side. But he wasn’t really angry. The confusion that had momentarily clouded his judgment had long since dissipated. Even though there were no people around, he just wanted to drag away the man who was acting cute in a public place.“Let’s go for dinner.”Lee Nan suddenly stood up. Seeing him putting on the coat he had draped over the chair, Jung Yiyeon also stood up and put on his outerwear.As they stepped out of the cafe, the chilly air quickly seeped into their clothes. Jung Yiyeon reached out his hand towards Lee Nan, who was walking towards the car ahead. His hand was exposed to the outside air, not tucked into his pocket or covered by anything.“!”Feeling something touch his fingers, Lee Nan turned his head. Jung Yiyeon smiled slightly and gently wrapped his fingers around Lee Nan’s hand.“What are you doing, seriously?”In the end, Lee Nan smiled too. It was a surprised smile, but to Jung Yiyeon, it was incredibly endearing. How affectionate it was that he didn’t push him away or frown, despite the chilly wind blowing fiercely. Just holding hands like this seemed to emanate a warm aura.This is happiness. Everyday life with the person you love. Although the weather was very cold, Jung Yiyeon wanted to walk a little more while holding hands. Lee Nan, who was conscious of people’s stares, didn’t give any opportunity for diversion and headed straight for the car.“Shall we go on a trip soon?”As Jung Yiyeon climbed into the driver’s seat and started the car, he asked. To a slightly warmer place. No, the weather didn’t matter. Any place where they could walk hand in hand seemed good.“Yeah, sure. If I can find the time, let’s go.”The permission that fell smoothly from Lee Nan’s lips made Jung Yiyeon’s heart swell. He needed to leave as soon as possible. And if he could really open up completely, he would just live abroad. So that even in old age, he could hold hands and walk with Lee Nan. Dreaming of such a sweet, pink future, Jung Yiyeon leaned in and kissed Lee Nan on the cheek.Dinner was excellent. The dishes piled up on the table were all delicious, and from sashimi to yukhoe, Lee Nan was very satisfied with the meal. Jung Yiyeon suggested some alcohol to go with the meal, but Lee Nan declined, saying he only wanted to taste a sip and didn’t want to drink alone.Then, it would be good to have a bit more beer at home. Thinking of the beer in Lee Nan’s refrigerator, Jung Yiyeon quickly drove the car. Parking at Lee Nan’s apartment complex was usually a nightmare, but Saturday night was a relatively easy time to find parking compared to other times.“Thank you for today.”Since Jung Yiyeon had been driving all day, the least he could do was drop Lee Nan off. Jung Yiyeon opened the trunk and got out of the car with Lee Nan. The trunk was full of shopping bags from their day out.As Jung Yiyeon was about to pick up some of the bags, Lee Nan chuckled.“Huh? You don’t need to carry them.”“Ah, just carry a few of yours. Let’s split them.”He probably wouldn’t think of carrying all this by himself. Although he used to be his secretary, why did he suddenly seem hesitant to share items… Jung Yiyeon pondered this, but then their eyes met.And then came the words from Lee Nan’s mouth that Jung Yiyeon had never expected.“Ah, are you staying over tonight too?”or Jung Yiyeon, today had been nothing but happiness, so the words that came unexpectedly really threw him off.“What did I just hear? Honestly, I felt a surge of annoyance in an instant. My head spun and my vision blurred. Jung Yiyeon was dumbfounded.“…I have plenty of clothes at my place. Why would you think I bought several sets of clothes?”“Ah…”Lee Nan’s response was just the kind of reaction he hadn’t expected. The emotions clearly visible on his face were puzzlement. Or perhaps, underlying dislike.Today, Jung Yiyeon had thought he had a perfect day. No, he was going to have one. The perfect end to the perfect day was, of course, going home with Lee Nan, taking a shower, washing away the fatigue with a can of beer, and then going to bed together.But what? Are you staying over tonight too?The sense of disappointment surged uncontrollably. In fact, he was so angry that his vision almost went dark.“Lee Nan. You don’t even want to clear out one section of your closet for me?”“Ah, it’s not that. I just didn’t sleep well yesterday. So, I’m a bit tired.”An entire wardrobe space empty after his brother moved out. Didn’t even want to give up that empty space? Was what had been an immensely happy day for him actually just a tired time for Lee Nan, who was hoping to be alone soon? What did this heavy sigh mean now?Anger tends to amplify accidents in a negative direction. Jung Yiyeon took a moment to calm down and splashed his face with water. Even though the night air had become colder, he didn’t feel the chill.“…Do you need time alone?”Should this be called a difference in pace? Lee Nan’s pace of becoming intimate with someone was slow like a tortoise, while Jung Yiyeon wanted to get closer quickly like a cheetah when the person was Lee Nan. Or was it an instinctual resistance to allowing someone into their own space?But to scrutinize that would mean they hadn’t spent quite a long time together. It wasn’t just once or twice that they had spent the whole weekend together, two days in a row. The only difference was that it had been at Jung Yiyeon’s place… The fact that even on a Sunday tomorrow, Lee Nan was trying to leave was a first.Indeed, Lee Nan had a different reason.“I have a lunch appointment tomorrow.”Of course, it was a reason Jung Yiyeon hadn’t heard before.“Since I have to go out tomorrow morning, so.”It was an excuse on Lee Nan’s part, but it was also sincere. He thought it was ridiculous to kick him out the next morning.But Jung Yiyeon’s spirits sank even lower. Nevertheless, Jung Yiyeon asked calmly, without loading emotions onto the question.“Who are you meeting?”However, the response he received was simply, “Just a friend.” A curt, dismissive answer, as if telling him it was none of his business.Suddenly, Jung Yiyeon felt the crumbling of all the efforts he had made not to be anxious. The determination to be satisfied as long as Lee Nan gradually opened up was wavering, replaced by a sense of resentment.Countless questions surged in his mind that he couldn’t bring himself to voice.Why didn’t you mention you had plans for tomorrow? You should have at least told me during dinner tonight. And you’re on break anyway, so why can’t we see each other during the weekday? We can only spend time together on weekends, so why do you have to meet someone else on the weekends? Is this person so important that you have to meet them? Who are you meeting? Is even asking this considered clingy and meddling? But what about my own anxiety?The sharp questions lingered on the tip of his tongue before being swallowed back.He knew Lee Nan was the kind of person who would dismiss this type of argument as being overly clingy. He didn’t want to ask emotionally, even if he did ask.Would Lee Nan even respond to this kind of emotionally draining conflict? Was there even enough affection… for that?By this point, Jung Yiyeon felt even his anger dissipate into nothingness. In the end, he lacked conviction. He wasn’t sure if Lee Nan would fully accept his feelings of discontent. He knew the answer. Lee Nan was naturally inclined to avoid uncomfortable situations in human relationships. He wouldn’t make an exception for him.Ultimately, Jung Yiyeon couldn’t say anything more to Lee Nan. He was afraid that every question he asked would turn into a headache.“…Fine. I’ll just drop off my stuff at home and leave.”Lee Nan had too many shopping bags to carry alone. Of course, if only Lee Nan’s items were taken, it would have been enough to handle alone. However, Jung Yiyeon had no intention of taking his own clothes, bought to leave at Lee Nan’s place, back to his own home. Putting them back in the trunk and returning home alone would be too pitiful.“…Alright, then.”The two silently packed their belongings. Even as they walked into the apartment entrance and took the elevator, an awkward silence lingered between them. It persisted until they arrived at the front door after walking down the long corridor.Lee Nan pressed the door lock’s number pad.“Come in.”Jung Yiyeon half expected Lee Nan to just take the belongings and go inside. Still, he had invited him in, so he should be grateful. He swallowed a bitter smile inwardly.A suffocating silence. Reflecting on it, although there had been quite a few events with Lee Nan in this house, the current silence felt somewhat different. They needed to break the stiff, awkward atmosphere, but he couldn’t find the words.Surprisingly, Lee Nan was the one who broke the silence first.“Would it be uncomfortable for you to sleep here?”Jung Yiyeon shrugged cautiously.“Not really.”He had said it yesterday and even earlier today. He had told Lee Nan that anywhere they were together was fine, even his own home. And he had even joked about moving in when his brother moved out before. But Lee Nan seemed to dismiss all those talks as jokes or nonsense, and Jung Yiyeon’s mood sank a little more.“Then let’s go to bed.”After causing so much emotional turmoil, now at this moment. But as he looked at the white face that met his gaze without a word, Jung Yiyeon didn’t voice his displeasure. He had given up on his pride in front of Lee Nan a long time ago.“Yeah, let’s do that.”Jung Yiyeon forced a faint smile, trying to soften his heart a little. Lee Nan smiled back slightly at Jung Yiyeon, handing him comfortable pants and a T-shirt.“I’ll wash the new clothes for you, so change into these and come out.”“Okay.”Lee Nan turned and left the room. Alone in the narrow dressing room, Jung Yiyeon held the clothes Lee Nan handed him and looked silently at the shopping bags gathered in a corner.For now, I guess I have to be satisfied with this. Even though I know. It wasn’t easy to quell the lonely feeling.The two showered, got into bed, turned on a movie airing on the TV cable channel, and drank beer. After slowly finishing the lukewarm last sip of beer, Jung Yiyeon put down the empty can. It seemed like he should have another can.“Do you want to drink more?” he wanted to ask, thinking about bringing Lee Nan’s too since he was bringing his own. But as he turned his head towards Lee Nan, Jung Yiyeon couldn’t bring himself to say anything. Instead, he grabbed the remote and lowered the volume on the TV.Lee Nan had actually fallen asleep, which was probably why he hadn’t slept well last night. It wasn’t even late, but only the soft sound of his breathing could be heard, as if he were deeply asleep. Even the light from the TV screen seemed unable to disturb Lee Nan’s sleep.There wasn’t much conversation since coming into this house. The most they did was prepare and sit on the bed like it was a couch, drinking beer. There wasn’t much physical contact either. Jung Yiyeon didn’t feel like it, at least not now. Still, he had turned his gaze towards Lee Nan during the movie, if Lee Nan wanted. But by then, Lee Nan was already halfway asleep.“Are you tired?” he asked, nodding his head and downing the rest of the beer before lying down completely. Then, Jung Yiyeon turned his gaze back to the TV and fell asleep again.…Was he really that tired? Even though he would have noticed the subtly tense atmosphere. …Or was there simply no will to break this awkward atmosphere?It was probably because he was someone who preferred to avoid. Lee Nan didn’t want to deal with conflict. So, if Jung Yiyeon wanted to continue dating Lee Nan, he shouldn’t create conflicts.Jung Yiyeon was trying hard. Trying to make their relationship enjoyable for him. So that he could become accustomed to a life with Jung Yiyeon.Lee Nan had also decided to go all the way with Jung Yiyeon, so he was making efforts in his own way. Even when past events were brought up, he didn’t react harshly towards Jung Yiyeon or make him feel guilty. Today, he even brought up old things and listened to explanations in a relatively soft atmosphere. Jung Yiyeon could also feel his attitude gradually softening.So, for now, he had to be satisfied here. Jung Yiyeon reached out to the sleeping Lee Nan, trying to soothe his troubled heart.I had no intention of waking him up. But as I sorted through my thoughts and tried to calm myself down a bit, I wanted to feel Lee Nan’s warmth. Carefully stroking his peacefully sleeping face, I cautiously hugged him a little closer, feeling his scent would be okay.As expected, I love Lee Nan. That’s why I wanted to hold him in my arms while he slept. Even though when he was awake, I couldn’t figure out how to touch him without feeling hurt…“Mmm….”Lee Nan murmured softly as Jung Yiyeon’s touch woke him up. He turned his head away from the hand stroking his cheek.“Ugh….”No, he just turned around and laid back down. Pulling the blanket, he pressed against Jung Yiyeon’s back.“….”Well, it’s just sleepiness. It could be that. Surely he didn’t intentionally avoid it. Thanks to that, Jung Yiyeon’s hand had nowhere to go.Jung Yiyeon lowered his hand hanging in the air and found the remote to turn off the TV. The room was soon enveloped in darkness. Lee Nan tossed and turned, letting out a long breath. Soon, the gentle sound of even breathing continued.This time, to avoid disturbing his sleep, Jung Yiyeon carefully covered himself with the blanket and lay down. Although he didn’t touch him, he could feel the warmth trapped in the blanket nearby. Lee Nan’s body temperature. Always wanting to wrap him in his hands and hold him close.But now, Jung Yiyeon couldn’t bring himself to touch him, so he just silently looked at his back enveloped in darkness. The back of his lover, lying under one blanket on the same bed, felt distant and unreachable.His heart felt heavy. He had expected it wouldn’t be easy and had been prepared enough, but today’s blow was probably due to getting used to recent happiness. He hadn’t made a promise to take the time to understand who Lee Nan was. He had promised not to engage in the kind of emotionally draining conflicts Lee Nan hated as much as possible…If all this was his fault, he had nothing to say. He had ignored his feelings, hurt him, and then tried to forcibly hold onto someone he disliked to avoid parting ways. If Lee Nan stayed by his side, Jung Yiyeon could endure anything. He had been prepared to endure.Maybe it’s better for Lee Nan to not want to make room in his closet for himself after all. It might take a little longer to calm his troubled heart.Looking at the back he wanted to reach out and hold in his arms, Jung Yiyeon closed his eyes.But it was definitely a night he couldn’t fall asleep.The night sky seen through the curtains began to turn blue. Jung Yiyeon, who had been staring blankly at the dawn, eventually realized that morning had come without him having slept properly.His head felt heavy, and his eyes were dry. His mood was dismal. It was a sleepless night. It was a time when all sorts of thoughts kept circling endlessly, refusing to let go.He reminded himself several times that he should be satisfied with the little attention Lee Nan was giving him. He knew that revealing his feelings of resentment to Lee Nan would only lead to arguments, and since Lee Nan disliked such emotional conflicts, he had to endure.But how could people maintain a relationship without ever arguing? Was it possible to fully accept who the other person was and always go along with their will? It was so trivial, yet it hurt so much.The conclusion of the night-long rumination, like a squirrel endlessly running on a wheel, was rather melancholic. Whether it was making commitments about himself, not mentioning things in advance, or not fully discussing who the other person was, there was ultimately one reason.Lee Nan didn’t love Jung Yiyeon. Because he didn’t love him, he didn’t have the will to comfort him or ease his anxiety.Unable to overcome his mixed emotions, Jung Yiyeon finally got up from his seat. Lee Nan, who had fallen asleep long ago, still slept soundly, breathing evenly. The restlessness was solely Jung Yiyeon’s burden.Quietly, Jung Yiyeon got up from the bed and went to the bathroom. After a quick wash, he went into the small room to find some clothes. In a corner of the closet, the shopping bags from the day before were still lying around. Jung Yiyeon glanced at them briefly before quickly leaving the room.There was still no movement in the bed in the living room. Lee Nan, who was deeply asleep, didn’t even seem to hear Jung Yiyeon’s rustling.Well, let him sleep comfortably. Jung Yiyeon went to the entrance and quietly put on his shoes. When he pressed the button on the door lock and opened the door, the cold dawn air hit his cheeks. Feeling the sudden chill even in his head, he stepped out into the corridor and closed the door carefully.It was cold. The weather was chilly. The corridor-style apartment was not comfortable, as expected. As Jung Yiyeon walked through the corridor with the biting cold wind, his breath spread out white steam.Was it the body or the heart that was cold? His lonely figure returning home alone was just as desolate as his heart.Jung Yiyeon, who returned home after spending the night, rested his eyes for a moment. There was no work to do tomorrow because of exhaustion. Surely, there was a sense of stability that came from his own bed in his own home. Maybe that’s why Lee Nan wanted to sleep alone. Jung Yiyeon briefly thought so before drifting off to sleep.He woke up because his phone, which he had placed by his head, rang. Checking the screen, it was Lee Nan calling. After a quick wash and clearing his throat to shake off the drowsiness, Jung Yiyeon answered the call.“Uh, yes?”– Yeah, where are you?“Oh… I had some work at the office.”– Suddenly?“Uh… yeah. But I resolved it quickly.”– Oh… I didn’t even know you had left. I noticed your shoes were missing. Wondered where you went. So, you’re at the office now?“I just got home.”Since there was hardly ever a need to lie in his life, Jung Yiyeon felt extremely awkward about himself. He should have at least left a message beforehand. Unable to express his disappointment verbally or process his emotions, he felt childish for feeling so upset, making his cheeks burn with embarrassment.– Alright, get some rest.“Yeah, but, Nan.”– Yes?“Are you not going to tell me who you’re meeting with?”Ah, in the end, he couldn’t even pretend to be cool. In the end, he couldn’t help but ask. Wasn’t this something that could be asked and answered between lovers?– It’s a friend from college.A friend from college. As expected, Lee Nan didn’t give a proper answer, and Jung Yiyeon felt the surge of disappointment intensify.“…Okay. Have a good time and come back safely.”Of course, he couldn’t even express his emotions.– Alright, I’ll hang up.Lee Nan hung up without any lingering sentiment. Jung Yiyeon let out a long sigh. He didn’t doubt Lee Nan. It was just upsetting that he wouldn’t communicate. No, perhaps the anxiety stemmed from suspicion after all. Because Lee Nan didn’t love him, it felt like he could leave for someone else at any moment.He felt the impulse to cling onto someone, even a stranger. Wouldn’t he feel less anxious and upset if he knew everything about who Lee Nan was meeting? It seemed better to express his emotions rather than bottling them up and letting them fester towards Lee Nan. The desire to have someone by his side was growing stronger.Of course, Jung Yiyeon knew he wouldn’t go that far. He didn’t want to go that far.It was unbearably distressing. If all this was his own doing, then so be it. There was nothing to say if he reaped what he sowed. He simply regretted his past actions that made every situation so difficult.A throbbing headache shot up from the back of his neck. Whenever he felt like this, there were times in the past when Lee Nan would bring him painkillers to his desk without him having to say anything. His past self was truly a needy person.Thinking back now, Jung Yiyeon realized he had been selfish in accepting Lee Nan’s overflowing affection as if it were natural. Especially after Lee Nan left work.If he could turn back time, Jung Yiyeon wanted to go back to the past. So many times he wanted to seize the opportunities he had missed, even just once.There were so many chances he could have taken. Yet even then, Jung Yiyeon knew nothing.***Lee Nan, who had thrown a confession that left Jung Yiyeon speechless and left the study, left the company without even submitting a resignation letter. This caused some inconvenience due to the gaps in work, but for Jung Yiyeon, it felt like going back to the time before Secretary Lee joined him. Although there were frequent glitches in the system, Jung Yiyeon soon thought he would get used to it.Life went on reasonably well. The sudden absence of Lee Nan quickly settled the unrest among other employees. Everyone knew that the absence of one person wouldn’t collapse the organization.Jung Yiyeon just felt a little more tired than before. And a bit more dissatisfaction with the lack of desires that he hadn’t felt since being with Secretary Lee. Of course, it wasn’t a big problem for Jung Yiyeon. Once he found a new partner, it would be fine.But the thirst felt stronger than before. The urge that used to be fully satisfied for a while now accumulated faster than usual. Occasionally, Jung Yiyeon remembered a fair-skinned body. When he thought of the proactive responses and the face that contorted in pleasure, his mouth would dry up for no reason. Sometimes, he wanted to tightly embrace the warmth coming towards him.That’s why they say that while people come and go, I know my place. Several days after Secretary Lee left, Jung Yiyeon set out with a strangely swollen desire and a strangely empty heart. His footsteps led to the nightlife district. In the streets illuminated by countless dazzling neon signs, there were hidden establishments for people like him. The gay bar where he coincidentally met Secretary Lee was around there too.