Stagmother

Anyone sensitive to such things would have noticed the change long ago. They also would have been encouraged, manipulated, goaded, frightened, guilted, and otherwise led to filter that observation through several fine layers of optimism. Thus the low simmering fury of the goddess touching every leaf, wing, paw, and hoof went unnoticed by human hands.

When sunlight mingled with the goddess’s wrath, people bathed in it, giving thanks for heat. When thunder leant her pain its voice, they marveled at its awesome beauty. When her cries drove gales over the land, they flew kites, held pinwheels, and listened wistfully to wind chimes.

***

Marilyn held her charm in cupped hands, hoping to obscure its glow from her fellow commuters on the 845 bus to Juneberry Square. She would have been cheered to know that none of the other passengers had noticed it. They had, of course, noticed her, and each did their best to reframe their instinctual discomfort into something positive. One woman in the front felt relief that she hasn't sat next to her. The driver hoped that she would improve herself. A man in the middle of the bus chose to feel gratitude for his own good health.

The charm cast an image of a round little cartoon woman wearing healers’ colors and smiling serenely at her. “Good morning,” the healer said. “And it is good, isn’t it?”

Marilyn kept her eyes well trained on the woman. The charm wouldn’t work if she didn’t watch.

“Sometimes, it can be hard to remember or to recognize the good in the world,” the woman went on. She walked across a background of bright shifting colors, her hands folded, tone earnest. “When that happens, we can find ourselves thinking all kinds of thoughts. It’s important to understand that nobody wants to think negative thoughts.” Here, she came to a stop and fixed her grotesquely large silver eyes where Marilyn was meant to meet them. She did so dutifully. If the charm didn’t work, didn’t change the briolette cut glass from a dull gray to a bright yellow, the healers wouldn’t keep her appointment.

“But we think negatively all the time. Why is that? First, let’s take a minute to look at how these thoughts impact us.”

It was a new video, at least. Some of the organizations that required such viewing had their own, but most reused the educational short films put out by the state thirty-some years ago. Marilyn knew those by heart.

“Children of the Stagmother come into this world with no antlers.” The cartoon woman hardly had any herself. No more than a couple of inches arching back gracefully behind her ears, only one soft prong on each. She took hold of an infant swaddled in yellow, its little head smooth as glass. “It isn’t until around the age of two that most antlers begin to grow in.” Marilyn's heart tried to sink as the child sprouted nubs from its skull, but she buoyed herself by focusing on the character design instead. A cute drawing; a talented artist behind it, truly.

Marilyn swayed as the bus took a sharp corner. Her antlers rapped on the window, not for the first time that ride. The sound was a little strange that morning—sharper than she thought it should be. She ran one finger along the velvet of the antler that had hit, finding nothing unusual.

The bus driver caught sight of her in the rearview mirror and hoped to encourage her with a smile. A man sitting across from her raised his eyebrow at her, wondering just how someone could let themselves get to her condition. Marilyn saw neither. She kept her eyes on her assignment. She hadn’t wanted to watch it in public, but the healers hadn’t sent the charm over until seven that morning. Her appointment was for eight thirty.

“As we grow and learn to navigate our emotions, our antlers grow, too. It’s the negative thoughts we experience that cause them to grow. Toddlers are known to have especially erratic growth spurts because they haven’t yet learned how to guide their thoughts. Our parents, teachers, siblings, and friends help teach us how to navigate our world with a bright outlook. In turn, positive thoughts cause our antlers to shrink. Everyone’s journey is different, but healthy children will begin to see changes in their antlers by the age of ten at the very latest.” Marilyn kept her eyes locked on the woman, letting the animated montage of childhood play just outside of her attention. She hoped the charm would allow this.

She’d watched the first of these as a child herself, alongside her peers in the third grade. Many of them were enjoying the shrinking of their antlers for the first time. Next was fifth grade, by which time half the students had little more than rounded twigs poking out from their hair. Another round in eighth grade, more eyes on her than on the screen; no one else in her class had antlers they couldn’t cover with a hat.

Hers had never shrunk. They’d continued to grow through every birthday, doctor’s appointment, and counseling session. She’d finally chopped off most of her hair in tenth grade, frustrated with trying to brush it or keep it from tangling in her prongs. In twelfth grade, her class participated in a six-week program for managing unwieldy antlers, which featured three separate educational videos. None of the other senior classes had to.

When she’d been taken on full time at her position dispelling charms for a local jewelry reseller, her employer assigned their in-house production as a prerequisite for insurance coverage. The insurance company then sent their own.

“Wonderful new discoveries are being made every day in the field of human magic and antler study. For some, this can feel overwhelming, and you might ask yourself: What should I believe when it comes to my antler health? Don’t worry. At the end of the day, it really is simple. Positive thoughts shrink them, and negative thoughts grow them.”

Glancing up just long enough to see where she was on the bus route, Marilyn realized she was going to arrive at her appointment a few minutes early. She smiled. They might finish with her a few minutes early as well, let her get to work faster, earn back a little of the goodwill that had been lost when she asked for the morning off.

The bus driver, who had been checking in when the traffic allowed, was pleased to see her smile. Xe always felt hopeful toward people with larger antlers. They could turn their lives around, xe believed, and xer faith in them might help on some small, unknowable level.

The educational video had found its stride. The woman was standing in front of a whiteboard now with a line drawn across it horizontally. The left end read negative and the other positive. She took a dry erase marker and said, “Try this exercise at home at least once a week. Listen to the thoughts you’re having, and place each one where it belongs on the spectrum. Let’s do some together! Say I don’t like the way my neighbor mows his lawn so early in the morning. Is that positive, or is it negative?” She drew an x on the negative end. “We aren’t going to try to contradict any of these thoughts right now. We’re only here to observe. Let’s try another one! I just remembered that I had a really good salad for lunch. Where should that thought go?” She drew an x on the positive side. “Very good. Let’s try one more. I’ve realized that I’m cold. Is that positive or negative?” She drew an x directly in the middle of the line. “That was a trick question. Being cold in and of itself isn’t positive or negative. If I had said that I was upset about being cold, or that I didn’t like how cold my boss keeps it in the office, then we would put the x on the negative side. If I had said that the cold makes me excited for the change of seasons, we would put the x on the positive side. You see, you can control the emotions behind your thoughts. Even things that seem like they couldn’t possibly be anything other than negative can become positive with the right effort.”

Marilyn felt a physical anxiety grip her, as often happened when she watched these videos. She didn’t let it manifest into a thought. Instead, she popped a mint in her mouth and focused on its strong flavor.

“You might think to yourself,” the woman said as she walked away from the whiteboard, “that a few bad thoughts here and there won’t hurt anything. And it’s true that everyone has some. That’s healthy and normal. What you have to watch out for is when you lose track of these thoughts, when you start having them without even realizing it. Remember, you can tell yourself that you’re not thinking too many bad thoughts, but you can’t tell your antlers that. They know the truth, and they’ll tell it.”

Marilyn waited until the credits finished and the screen went black to blink. Tears slipped through, as she’d known they would, and she dabbed at them efficiently. The video had ended mere moments before her stop. She thought about the good fortune of this development.

“Thank you,” Marilyn called as she stepped off the bus.

The driver waved, politely pretending not to notice how Marilyn had to turn her head to fit through the door. She’d be all right, xe insisted internally. She’d find her way.

The next bus line wasn’t too far a walk. Two blocks up and one over, Marilyn confirmed on her phone, and she had a good buffer of time to work with.

Her charm had turned yellow, as needed. She didn’t know the specifics of this one. Healers tended to have advanced tricks up their sleeves, and the ones seeing her that morning had a strong reputation for their magical prowess. Well, that was why she wanted them to treat her, wasn’t it? The charm might still have been active, was the thing, aligning itself with her mental energy to report her nature to its creator. So instead of thinking about how her body always ached for the first few minutes of every walk, no matter how rested she was, or how her daily headache was beginning to creep in, or how she would have preferred to sleep on the bus even though she’d already gotten eleven hours of sleep the night before—rather than any of this, she noted the blue sky, the crisp weather, and the pleasure of wearing a scarf for the first time that season.

A praying mantis crossing the sidewalk caught Marilyn's eye. The mantis took its great stuttering steps, stopping to sway like a thin branch in the wind with each movement, right in the path of foot traffic. Marilyn thought the insect could easily end up underfoot.

A young man on his way to work spotted Marilyn watching the mantis and took interest. He’d never seen someone with antlers so large. He wondered what kind of person she must be, wondered if he should cross the street before he got too close.

Marilyn picked out a large maple leaf from the yard next to her. She brought it to the mantis, who fixed Marilyn with her enormous eyes and climbed onto the leaf.

“That’s right,” Marilyn said. She'd become suddenly more aware of her antlers, their exact shape outlined by the faintest sensation of warmth. “You can sense I’m here to help, can’t you? A smart young lady like yourself knows how to tell.”

Marilyn laid the leaf gently on top of a hedge. “Be safe today.” She walked away with a slight bow and ran straight into the young man who had been watching her.

A pang of dread struck her as she heard the far branches of her antlers knock against his own modest pair. “I’m so sorry!”

“No, no, it’s my fault,” he said, stepping back. “I was just standing in the middle of the sidewalk without thinking.”

“I’ll try to watch where I’m going.” Marilyn stepped aside and motioned for him to pass. “Have a good day.”

“To be honest, I couldn’t help but stop and watch you rescue that bug. I was touched.” A little guilty as well, seeing as he’d considered going out of his way to avoid her a moment ago.

“They’re beautiful, aren’t they? I’ve always loved mantises.”

“I guess they freak me out a little, with the cannibalism and all.”

“Oh, it’s not as common as they say. Most species don’t do that, and some of the ones we studied might have just been responding to the stress of being in captivity.”

“Is that right?”

“We didn’t do right by these girls.” She felt herself talking too much, driven by the lingering anxiety of running into him. “Kidnapped them, held them captive, then judged them for how they reacted. Not really fair, is it?” Marilyn laughed nervously.

“I never thought of it that way!” He indicated with a slight shift forward that he was ready to be on his way. “Thanks for teaching me something. Take care.”

“You too!”

As they parted ways, the young man thought to himself, “So, that’s it. I wondered how someone kind enough to stop and help a little bug could possibly have such large antlers. She’s one of those over-thinking types.” He felt bad for her lot in life, but assured himself that she would surely still be in the goddess’s favor in the end.