ALL NOVEL Chapter 14.4: Sink IV
After finally regaining my composure, Takenaka placed the watermelon slices on a small plate and set them down in front of me.
Since the amount of risotto was not that large, my stomach still could tolerate it. I couldn’t finish the whole thing, so I decided to have Takenaka partake in it as well.
In front of Takenaka were two plates of watermelon. One of them had a spoon stuck vertically in it. This was for Yagura, I supposed.
When the spoon was stuck in the center, Yagura appeared diagonally behind Takenaka. I held my breath and was rendered motionless by the sight of this two-meter-tall figure, seemingly without any weight. Yagura hung his head deeply while making heavy armor noises to me.
No, no, there was the case the other day too… the one who wanted to bow down was me.
With no TV running and only the sporadic sound of the wind chime resonating across the room, the fan’s wind helped my tear stains to fade.
“Sometimes I don’t know either.”
When the seeds were being scooped out with a spoon, Takenaka spoke up.
“I don’t know what I should have done, or how I should have done it… I have dealt with such situations myself. I have even approached them on several occasions. What happened to those… people after that, though, is beyond my knowledge.”
Did they subsequently stay on or did they not? In the end, it’s up to the individual themselves to decide. The only choices we can make are to overlook them or to call out to them.
“Even though I thought I knew what I was doing, I was still distressed afterward. I wonder if what I did was right or wrong… I can understand how you feel, Hakamada…”
I am sure there must be people who took their own lives in the sea of trees. Thinking of that is painful. Even so, all we can do is shake things up a bit. Regardless of how much we ponder about it, the answer we hope for will likely not be easy to come by. That was what Takenaka said.
“But I can say this with certainty. What Hakamada did was not a mistake. You are not a murderer… Not only me, but everyone on the night shift says so. So please stop condemning yourself already… Hakamada is not to blame.”
Sorry that this is all I can say, Takenaka added in a small voice. It was much easier to accept than to be comforted by conventional words. Right…
I had forgotten that we shared the same thoughts and feelings. I had assumed that Takenaka was handling it coolly, without feeling this way. He, like me, must be the same. This person was the same as me, suffering and struggling… Perhaps that person might be dead. The words he uttered may have been wrong, and he was enduring such anxiety and fear without even being aware of it.
Even before I joined them… Aoyama, Hirai and the manager likewise.
It was not only me. I wasn’t the only one suffering.
“I myself am distraught, sorry…”
While it may take me a while to be free of my regrets, Takenaka’s words made me feel a little bit lighter, a tiny bit less guilt-ridden.
Because I had only been in a constant state of conflicting emotions for the past few days. After all, by hearing someone’s voice, I could get away from the place where I was at a standstill, little by little, and be motivated to start walking again. People must be able to live like that, right? Carrying the weight of it all alone would be too overwhelming. It made you want to give up. Making you want to throw everything away and give up.
So at times, someone had to pull you up… Like me, right now…
If only she had such a helping hand, she surely wouldn’t have ended up in such a tragic way… No matter how I reflected back, the woman who broke down crying that day was no longer here. Even if I looked back, that moment would never be returned. Now… all I could do was pray that she may rest in peace.
Immersed in sentimentality, I took a scoop of the watermelon and put it in my mouth. As Takenaka said, there was no such thing as an exact answer. What was right and what was wrong? Nobody could determine that and it was not a matter that could be settled so lightly.
Therefore, I had no choice but to make a choice that I believed in. So long as suicidal people do not cease, I must do that from now on and always.
“Hah… It’s tough…”
After knowing everything, I supposed there really were only a handful of people who still chose to go on. It was only logical that a regular person would lose their mind if they stayed in a place like that. The longer anyone remained there, the darker and heavier the shadow of that convenience store became.
“Isn’t it… enough already… I know I’ve said the same thing before, and you might say I’m being persistent, but…”
From the way he began, I immediately understood what Takenaka trying to say.
“It’s not just fatigue that has caused you to fall sick. Both your mind and body have reached their limits because you are not adapted to that environment. Don’t feel guilty about leaving. If you want to go back, you can still turn back. If you continue to force yourself…”
“I’m not forcing myself.”
“But…”
“It’s simply summer fatigue… Please don’t let it bother you. Besides, the conditions are roughly the same for all of us, we are all going through the same thing, and I can’t just easily give up.”
I tried to cover it up with a feigned smile, but he was not so dull as to allow that to be fooled. Takenaka closed his eyes as if troubled.
“I wonder why… When I look at you, Hakamada, you seem to be strongly… fixated on something. It’s not about yourself or the other members, but about something else… I get that feeling.”
“…”Translator: MadHatter
Like a pebble hurled at the surface of the water, Takenaka’s words reverberated through me, leaving me at a loss for words for a while.
“It’s strange for me to say this, isn’t it?”
“No…”Not shared on aggregator sites
What emerged from my mouth was a small word of denial.
“It’s not strange at all.”
I would never have said such a thing if I wasn’t in such a state.
“I guess you’re spot-on…”
In general, I didn’t like to expose my vulnerabilities to people.
I hated crying to people and hated leaning on them. So when Ayame hit the mark, I didn’t talk about anything. Because I wanted to keep my vulnerabilities to myself. I thought only I should be the only one to see my ridiculousness.
“I… in high school…”
The power that awakened in me, the extraterrestrial entities I frequently witnessed, the incident in the sea of trees, and the death of that woman. The weight of all of them was squashing me now.
When I let my tears be seen, I thought it no longer mattered. Perhaps it was a mixture of resignation, but I thought I was going to put my trust in this person. Not because I wanted to place my trust in a shady name like “Guardian God”.
Rather, I wanted to rely on this person, Takenaka, by uncovering a dark part of me that I had buried deep down inside that I had never confided in anyone. I let all that out.
With the belief that this person would listen to me to the end, I smashed through the rigid shell I had erected over myself.
For the first time, I voluntarily revealed my vulnerability.
“I drove a girl… my junior… to suicide.”