Surviving Among the Entities

“Wow.”

Kim Hyeong-un, a convenience store part-timer, was moving night stock when he stopped and stared blankly at the sky.

“So pretty.”

He didn’t have a hobby of admiring the night sky. He wasn’t that sensitively attuned nor did he have a developed sense of aesthetics, but this was an exception.

“It’s so blue.”

How could the moon be that blue? There was an oddly mystical aura too, so he kept gazing at the moon for quite a while until a customer’s voice calling him snapped him back to his senses.

‘It must have changed color for some scientific reason.’

After checking out the customer, he searched on his phone, and as expected:

“The moon looks blue when there’s a lot of dust?”

That was the extent of his interest. It was more important to deal with the influx of customers than admire the strange moon, and it was a busy store to begin with in the lively district, made even busier by it being a Friday night with an unceasing stream of customers.

“Have a good night.”

After being relieved by the day shift worker, Kim Hyeong-un was leaving with light steps when he froze.

“Ugh.”

There was a flower bed, and of course bees were flitting around the flowers. The buzzing sound piercing his ears made him slowly back away.

‘Let’s go back.’

He had been stung all over by a ground bee while visiting his parents’ graves as a child. Even now, bees were something he avoided.

[“Spreading fermented soybean paste will cure it right away!”]

His swollen legs, his grandmother applying fermented soybean paste to the wounds, the high fever that tormented him all night and the doctor’s words he vaguely heard at the ER.

[“If you came any later, you might have died from sepsis.”]

From that trauma, Kim Hyeong-un disliked bees and fermented soybean paste. At one point, just the buzzing sound would trigger panic attacks, and even the smell of fermented paste would make him break out in cold sweat – though time had lessened his aversion to that level.

“I wish winter would come soon. Then all the bees would freeze to death.”

After returning home and showering, like many other young people, Kim Hyeong-un was using his computer when he frowned.

‘Is someone boiling fermented soybean paste or something?’

“The moon is still blue today.”

While organizing stock, Kim Hyeong-un looked up at the sky. The blue moon was deeper and more vivid than the previous day, more beautiful yet somehow ominous.

‘Maybe it just feels that way because I had such a rough day.’

He really didn’t want to think about today. From the morning, an intense fermented soybean paste smell permeated the entire hallway, and after arriving at work, around three out of every ten customers reeked of it.

‘Did some fermented soybean paste restaurant open up? Or did some celebrity chef create a recipe using it?’

Moreover, whenever he walked outside, he kept hearing the buzzing of bees though he couldn’t find any when he looked around in a panic.

“Again?”

After finishing the stock organization and heading inside, he heard the buzzing again.

“Yes?”
“Oh, no, it’s nothing.”

The customer in front of him didn’t seem to hear anything, so after quickly checking them out, Kim Hyeong-un wondered if he should visit a hospital.

‘Where should I go?’

An ear, nose and throat clinic?
Or maybe…

‘…not a psychiatric hospital.’

“You can see the moon?”
“Yes.”
“And you smell fermented soybean paste?”
“Yes.”
“You also hear buzzing bees?”
“Yes.”

In broad daylight, he could see the blue moon. He woke up with an intense fermented soybean paste smell giving him a headache, and now he heard the buzzing of bees everywhere he went, even from afar.

‘Am I going insane, or is there something wrong with my brain?’

He might even have a brain tumor. A tumor in his brain could be causing issues with his eyes, ears and nose.

“Umm…”

He didn’t want to visit a psychiatric hospital, but he was afraid his world would crumble if he went to a major hospital and was diagnosed with a brain tumor, so he visited the psychiatric hospital first. The doctor soon gave his diagnosis.

“It’s nothing serious.”
“Really?”
“Yes. You don’t need to worry too much.”

As expected! It was a good call to come here first! Though he couldn’t fully understand the complicated medical terminology used, it was clear stress was the cause and he just needed a simple injection and medication.

“Thank you, doctor!”
“Then I’ll give you the injection and prescription, so please go to the pharmacy downstairs.”
“Yes! Thank you!”

After leaving the examination room, Kim Hyeong-un headed to the injection room.

“Alright, I’ll apply some fermented soybean paste.”
“Yes…?”
“Fermented soybean paste.”
“What are you talking about!”

Startled, he turned around. An equally startled nurse was holding a syringe, staring at him blankly.

“Um, sir? What’s wrong?”
“Oh, no, it’s nothing.”

I must be losing my mind a bit. After getting the injection and calling the convenience store owner, Kim Hyeong-un decided to take some time off.

“Are you sure?”
-Yeah, someone I know is taking a leave, so they’ll cover for you. Get some good rest.
“Ah, I’m sorry.”
-Don’t be sorry. Just get better and come back.

I hope I can do that too. Glancing at the blue moon outside the window, he swallowed his medication.

‘I got an injection and took my meds, so I’ll be fine soon.’

“…..?”

Still seeing the blue moon outside the window, Kim Hyeong-un took his medication again.

‘The moon got even bigger.’

The intense fermented soybean paste smell hurt his nose. Normally foul odors become tolerable over time, but this smell only grew stronger and more unbearable.

‘It’s only been a day. Illnesses don’t get cured in just a day.’

Maybe I should go for a walk.
But as soon as he went outside, the fermented paste smell intensified. Whether he went to the park or walked along the tree-lined streets, the smell didn’t dissipate.

‘This is all fake, just hallucinations from the mental illness.’

So the constant buzzing sound around me must be fake too.
The sensation of bees flying up and fanning the wind into my ears is fake.
The feeling of them crawling onto my shoulders, the stinging sensation on my face from their stingers – all fake.

“Hieek!”

Sudden pain, as if my lips had been punched. No matter how much I told myself it was a hallucination, the pain was undeniable.

‘N-No way it’s real?’

I turned on my phone’s camera and checked my lips. The swelling confirmed I had definitely been stung by a bee.

‘I guess this time it wasn’t a hallucination, it was real.’

How could this throbbing, stabbing pain be fake? Kim Hyeong-un headed to the pharmacy, gritting his teeth through the pain in his lips.

“Do you have any ointment for bee stings?”
“Ah, yes, here it is.”

What the pharmacist handed him was a tub of fermented soybean paste.

“For bee stings, apply some fermented soybean paste and it’ll heal right up.”
“…..?”

It was just like with the nurse. He tightly shut his eyes.

‘This has to be a hallucination too.’

When he opened his eyes again, mercifully it was an ointment instead of the fermented paste tub.

“But where were you stung?”
“My lips.”
“They look fine though?”
“…Really?”

But they still hurt.
On his way home, he bought a few bottles of soju from the convenience store.

‘I should drink and sleep.’

It seemed the only way to sleep through the intense fermented smell and incessant buzzing would be with alcohol.

‘I’m not insane.’

Under the comforter, swarming bees maddeningly flew about, making Kim Hyeong-un’s body tremble. No matter how hard he tried to be rational and act normal, each time the bees viciously stung his body, leaving him writhing in agony.

“I’m not insane, I’m not insane, I’m not insane.”

With ordinary clothes providing no protection from the bees, he took out his military uniform from deep in his closet and put it on. The red name tag and corporal rank insignia were still clean, since he hadn’t attended reserve force training in a while.

“Why would I go insane? Oh? I’m just having a temporary mental breakdown. I’m definitely not insane.”

Right, if I just take my medicine, I’ll be fine again. But to take medicine, I need to eat first? Let’s just eat some plain rice porridge.

“…..This has to be fake too.”

Bees were swimming in the rice porridge. Even on a large spoonful of rice, a bee flapped about, but he paid no mind and ate it.

“Fake, it’s all fake.”

Crunch-!

“How can it be fake?”

Crunch-! Crunch-!

“And what if it’s real?”

Ten bees in a bowl of rice.
After taking his medication, he lay down on the bed.

“There, if I sleep, I’ll be all better when I wake up.”

There was an intense smell of fermented soybean paste, but for some reason, he felt good this time.

“The bees buzz buzz.”

A swarm of bees filled Kim Hyeong-un’s tiny studio apartment. Their buzzing made the air vibrate like an earthquake.

“The fermented paste goes gunk gunk.”

Inhaling stabbed his lungs with the putrid fermented smell, making him nauseous. It was so intense he could no longer breathe through his nose and had to use his mouth.

“And I go hee hee.”

Amidst it all, Kim Hyeong-un forced a laugh and sang a song. His trembling voice was full of the urge to cry and bury himself under the covers, but he resisted and opened the fridge.

‘I need my medicine, if I take it I’ll be fine.’

He took out a side dish container. The once appetizing pan-fried tofu was now riddled with bees, the sauteed zucchini filled with their heads.

“Let me make some soy sauce egg rice.”

When he cracked an egg into the heated pan, a bee trapped in the yolk flapped its wings.

“Fuck.”

This is a mental illness. Just a sickness, all hallucinations. He gulped down his medication and collapsed onto the bed again.

‘Please, please let tomorrow be…’

Back to normal.

Unable to sleep since the previous day, Kim Hyeong-un felt like he was going insane. His room was completely filled with a swarm of bees, their buzzing so loud he couldn’t even hear himself breathe. The fermented smell stabbing his lungs made it feel like he was smelling it with his brain instead of his nose.

“Haah…haah…”

But more than anything, it was the blue moon that kept him awake. He was clearly lying in bed, looking up at the ceiling, not even facing the window.

And yet he could see the blue moon. It was physically impossible, but that was the only way to describe it.

The blue moon can be seen. Right before his eyes, no, perhaps inside his mind.

[“You are the one-eyed, son of Hyeong-sik Kim, child of Hee-sun Park, grandson of Tae-bu Kim, grandson of Mal-suk Lee.”]

He could see voices. The vivid, beautiful blue moon pocked with countless eyes and mouths seemed to be addressing him.

[“I am your savior, the practitioner of compassion, the benefactor of all that is adorable, the vagabond of all that is great, the one who gives sight, so behold the world through the eyes of the two-eyed.”]

Intense pain struck him. Beyond his open eyes, his soul glided across the ceiling, submerged in all sorts of floating detritus and pushed along.

“Ah, aahh!”

He became dust. Dust afloat the vast river of the universe, resting upon a grain of sand that was one world amidst that expanse, living humbly by nibbling away.

“Aaaaahhhh!”

He tasted the world’s grandeur.
How lowly an existence he was.
How much of a shallow puddle human knowledge was.
How small a phenomenon science was.
How shallow the concept of dimensions was.
How ridiculous the notion of cognition was.

And…..

“Aaaaaahhhh!”

How dangerous and dreadful a place the world was.

“Haah…haah…”

Barely regaining his senses, Kim Hyeong-un leapt out of bed. He swiftly grabbed a kitchen knife and aimed it at his heart.

“I have to die, I have to die!”

Before they notice me.
Before they take an interest.
Before I encounter them by chance.

“If I die now, it’ll be okay!”

But he couldn’t bring himself to plunge the knife into his chest.

‘What about my mom? My dad? My younger sibling?’

I may be fleeing through death, but my family cannot do the same.

“No!”

He immediately rushed outside. On the way to his parents’ home, numerous people noticed him and fled in terror.

“It’s a knife!”
“Run away!”

Ah, but I have to save my family.
Overwhelmed by pity for the passersby, he had no choice but to swing his knife at them.

“Please save me!”
“Aaahh!”

Tears streamed down his face at their screams. Yet he also felt relief for having saved them.

“Don’t move!”
“Hands up! Drop the knife, you bastard!”

Given the lively district, the police response was swift. Their arrival filled him with regret.

‘I should save one more person.’

The police are people too. I should save them. He charged at them but was shot through the body.

‘They didn’t even use rubber bullets, just live ammo?’

Ah, there have been a lot of crazy knife attackers lately? Maybe the law changed to allow live ammunition against them right away.

‘But I’m not that kind of scum.’

I couldn’t even save our poor mother yet.
Our hardworking father, I couldn’t save him either.
Our pitiful younger sibling who just got discharged, how can I not save them?

“Suspect subdued! Request multiple ambulances, over ten casualties!”

Well, at least I managed to save a few people. Feeling his body temperature dropping, he looked up at the sky.

“Oh, oohh…”

He reached out towards the blue moon gazing down at him.

“Oh, compassionate moon.”

Thank you for giving me this opportunity.

‘And if possible….’

Please bestow the same compassion upon my family.