Teach Me How to Fly

The zoo we’re going to isn’t just any zoo. It’s sponsored by the county. They only show local animals, there are no tigers or giraffes suffering in the cold weather, and they also get lots of space and appropriate enclosures. The wolf enclosure is so large and so full of trees, in fact, that you rarely ever see them without having to wait for a long time. There’s no entry fee, this place isn’t commercialised. The only places you can spend money are the cafe and the small automatons with animal feed all over the zoo. You won’t get to feed the wolves, obviously, but the deer love to come closer and lick the feed out of your palm.

It’s a sunny day today. The moment we get off the bus, I feel the heat pressing down on me and sapping my energy. But we won’t have to be out in the sun for long. All the bigger enclosures are in the forest part of the zoo, where there’s shade.

As we walk through the gate, Sadie gets out her water bottle and takes a large sip. She’s got her hair tied back today and she’s wearing a loose tank top and shorts.

The zoo is surprisingly empty today. Maybe because the weather’s been nice for some time now, maybe because everybody who can afford is on vacation somewhere. Then I realise that actually, it’s empty because it’s a weekday. Holidays, huh? Make you lose your sense of time.

“So, what do you wanna see first?” Henry asks Sadie with a grin.

Sadie shrugs. She has this special kind of look, I’ve come to realise, when she doesn’t care. I think it’s the way she moves her eyes when she shrugs. It makes her look cute and a little… mischievous? Henry doesn’t move his eyes when he shrugs.

“You guys decide. You know what’s best.”

Her smile is similar to her shrug. It’s different but in a nice way.

Already, I feel comfortable around her. I like her. She and Henry spent the whole wait by the bus stop and the drive talking about their favourite anime series and they seemed to hit it off pretty well. She’s not just an active participant in the conversation, she’s also… excitable. Every time Henry mentioned another series or movie or Easter egg, her eyes would gleam with a sort of childish excitement and then she’d launch into a passionate discussion about the correct interpretation of some detail. I didn’t say much. I have watched at least half of the movies and series they talked about, mind you, but I never paid as much attention. And anyway, I’ve got enough things on my mind.

Henry gives me a nudge. “What’s best, Wells?”

I motion my chin in the direction of the forest. “Let’s go see the deer.”

I think I’m doing better today. The existential dread isn’t the same as it was yesterday. My inside isn’t hollow the same way it was yesterday. My future has somewhat normalised itself in my head.

Which doesn’t mean that I’m looking forward to it, of course. I’m still scared, but right now I don’t have to deal with any of it. All the changes, however inevitable, are still in the future and today it feels like that future is far.

It’s still weird, though, the constant knowledge of impending change. An end is coming and I’m scared of not realising when it’s there, of looking at old pictures of myself and suddenly realising that I’m no longer myself.

We stop by the fenced-off lake. There are a few trees around the small lake and in the shade, I can see swarms of mosquitoes whirling through the air. The geese and ducks must be having an absolute field day around there.

Sadie frowns. “Can’t they just fly off?”

“They came here on their own and they’re going to stay on their own.” I shrug. “You’ll see they have a lot of animals running around free here. Storks, pheasants, even a few peacocks, which is funny, because they’ve also got two locked-up ones. The first time I saw the free ones, I went right up to one of the handlers and told them their birds had broken free.”

Her lips crack into a smile and she gives a short laugh.

“They usually hang out by the bird enclosures,” I add after a second. “We’ll probably walk past them later.”

We continue walking and Sadie skips a few steps ahead to turn and walk backwards, grinning at us. No clue how she manages not to fall on the cobblestone they paved the walkways with. “I still know way too little about you guys,” she announces. “C’mon, tell me stuff.”

Henry chuckles and gives me an amused look. “Like what?” he asks. “You’ll have to be a little more specific.”

Sadie rolls her eyes, still grinning. “The basics, c’mon. Do you never get to know new people?”

Neither Henry nor I have ever moved places. We’ve been on holidays a few times but at least I have never really tried to meet new people abroad. And at school, the people’ve been the same for years.

So no, not really. And especially not as much as she does.

“Hobbies?” Sadie adds, clearly enunciating both syllables like we’re stupid. “Tell me about all the fun things you do around here!”

Henry and I laugh both at the same time.

“There’s nothing to do around here,” I tell her. It’s obviously an exaggeration, we are doing something right now after all. But it’s not like there are clubs or any venues like bowling alleys or something.

Henry pulls a face. “Not exactly right.” I knew he’d correct me. He gives Sadie an apologetic grin. “You better not get him started.” He pauses, then continues to answer her question. “Do you know what parkour is?”

Recognition lights up her face. “Isn’t that, like, when you do these crazy flips and jumps?”

Henry gives her a pained grin. “Technically, that’s called tricking? But yeah, it’s a part of parkour.”

He’s good at tricking. I’ve never really gotten into it because I only really cared about the speed aspect of it and flips rarely make you faster – though there are situations where you could argue that a sideflip is faster than a vault – but he put his mind to it and set up a few boxes in his backyard and a month later, he could do a standing backflip. By now he can even do a confident corkscrew.

She nods. “Yeah, I’ve seen people do parkour in Madrid. Looked absolutely mental.”

There’s a pang of jealousy in my stomach. Where would I be now with her opportunities? She’s been to so many capitals and even stayed there for some time. There’s so much I could’ve learned.

Her eyes glint with excitement. “Do something!”

Henry grins. “Like what?”

She shrugs. “What do I know? Something cool. I’ve been told it’s kinda whack to just ask people to do a backflip because that gets old really quick, so do something that’s actually hard.”

Henry gives her a congratulatory nod. “You know your stuff.” Then he glances at me. “But shitface over here hurt his foot a few nights ago and he really shouldn’t be doing any crazy jumps right now.”

All of us take deep, relieved breaths as we arrive in the shade of the forest part of the zoo. Crazy how much of a difference a bit of shade can make. Immediately, I feel lighter, feel like my eyes open wider. I roll my shoulders and close my eyes for a moment to enjoy what feels like pleasantly cool air, even though it’s probably still pretty warm.

“So you won’t do anything either out of loyalty?”

“Nah,” Henry says with a smirk. “I have to be careful so I don’t get him going. He’s a bit of a reckless one, this one.” He gives me a light shove.

“How did that happen, Wells? That you hurt your foot, I mean.”

My stomach drops. I can’t tell her, right? Mum made the connection without much context. Dizziness spells are a known symptom, she might connect the dots.

I glance in Henry’s direction. He seems to be having the same thought as me.

I open my mouth, still desperately trying to come up with a lie when he says, “He was balancing on a gate when I distracted him and he somehow managed to not even break his feet.” He gives me a lopsided grin. “So yeah, it’s also kinda my fault, so I have to carry responsibility. Right?”

I hurry to mask the surprised expression on my face. He really didn’t have to do that. Funny how through all the banter I sometimes forget that he’s simply my best friend and he’s always going to have my back. “Right.”

Sadie shrugs, totally oblivious to my internal turmoil. “You’ll definitely have to show me a few moves sometime.”

We’re at the deer enclosure now. Some of the deer are already standing by the feeding platform, sticking their mouths through the narrow gap in the fence to eat feed from the tiny hands of two first-graders. Half the feed falls to the ground because the two children are both scared and ticklish. We position ourselves by the other side of the walkway and watch them.

“What else do you do?” Sadie asks, leaning against the low fence that’s supposed to keep children from falling down the short slope that’s supposed to keep us well away from the fence around the wolf enclosure. I glance in the direction, but none of them are visible. It’s a bad place to look for them, anyway. Trees and bushes are lining the walkway. There are proper viewing platforms to look for the wolves.

Henry shrugs. “Hang out, watch Netflix… play games.”

Sadie perks a little. “What kind of games?”

“I have a PlayStation,” Henry says vaguely. Probably a good idea to be vague about these things, wouldn’t want to make the impression that we’re huge nerds.

“Anything I could’ve heard of?”

Welp, no helping it I guess.

“Assassin’s Creed?”

Henry and I have played every part we could get our hands on: Black Flag, Rogue, Unity, Syndicate, Origins, Odyssey. My favourite part is Syndicate, actually. I know, I know, everybody’s kinda hating on that game, but I just love the whole vibe of industrial London. I loved solving the dreadful crimes late at night together with Henry. We always swap around who’s watching and who’s playing. We even have assigned characters. Henry always plays as Jacob and I always play as Evie. It wasn’t ever really a conscious decision. I think it just happened that way because I like her abilities more.

Sadie nods. “I’ve heard of it.”

The children finally move on and we slowly make our way over to the feeding station. There’s one of the animal feed vending machines not far away, but we won’t need to go there. The children dropped more than enough.

“What about you?” Henry asks Sadie as I crouch and begin gathering the little sticks of pressed whatever-they-put-in-there.

Sadie leans down and inspects one of the deer as it curiously pokes its head through the hole in the fence and in her direction. “I read a lot.”

Of course she does. Probably in five different languages.

“What’s your favourite book?” I ask, even though I know that I won’t know it. I don’t read enough to.

She turns her head in my direction. “Do you know The Swarm by Frank Schätzing?”

It’s a clearly German name the way she pronounces it, even though the title is English. But I don’t know it.

“What is it about?”

“It’s a natural disaster thriller,” she says, turning her attention back to the deer. She’s not touching it, always keeping just barely out of reach. “It’s about the sea fighting back against us humans. A lot of research went into it. Except for a few key aspects, I think everything in the book could happen just the way it was described.” A smile grazes her lips. “My parents gave it to me when I was fourteen.”

For a moment, it looks like she wants to say more, but then she thinks better of it and changes the subject. “I also like to take pictures.”

I offer her the handful of feed. “Wanna feed him?”

She raises her own hand and it looks like she’s gonna accept it, then she shakes her head. “No, thanks. I’ll… watch.”

I laugh a little. “They don’t bite. Look.” I offer my hand to the deer and watch as it gently licks the feed off my hand. Its tongue is wet and slimy and its breath is warm and moist.

“I know they don’t bite.” There’s just a hint of irritation to her voice.

“Right. Sorry.” I really didn’t mean to come across as condescending.

“No, it’s…. Forget it.”

When I look back up, she’s smiling again. “Where’re we going next?”

It’s the wolves, Henry decides. It barely takes a minute and we’re standing on top of the viewing platform. We can’t see all of the enclosure from up here, there are way too many trees and rocks around the area, but there is no place with a better view.

“Did you bring your camera?” Henry asks as we walk up to the platform’s wooden railing.

Sadie nods. “In my backpack.”

“You might wanna get it ready. The wolves never stay visible for long.”

She hesitates, then takes off her backpack and pulls a camera bag from it.

I lean against the railing and let my eyes wander across the enclosure. Sadie seems a little different since we’ve entered the zoo. But then again, I don’t really know her, do I?

Then I see it. A flash of grey and white fur in the underbrush, then a wolf emerging and slowly walking along the fence. It’s always surprising, somehow, how small they are from up here. It is thin. Well, I don’t think they’re supposed to be bulging with muscles or fat. The zookeepers will know what they’re doing.

“There,” I whisper and look in Sadie’s direction to make sure she’s aware. “See it?”

She nods slowly. Camera in her hands, she walks up to the railing and raises it so she can see the display.

Then she halts. The wolf has arrived at a corner in the fence and has turned around and is now back-tracking along the fence.

“You won’t get a better shot,” Henry tells her and he’s right. The wolf is walking towards us, we can see its face.

But Sadie puts down the camera, leaves it dangling from the neck strap. “Look,” she whispers.

The wolf arrives at the next corner and once again, it turns and walks back the way it just went. And then it arrives at the other corner and turns again and again and again and again and-

“I’m sorry,” Sadie chokes and turns and walks away. Henry and I are still exchanging confused looks when I hear a sniffle from her direction and I realise that something’s very seriously wrong.

I’m the first to move and the first to catch up with her.

I’m really not sure what to do. I don’t want to touch her and try to stop her, that would be stupid. Can I say something? Does she want me to say something?

“What’s wrong?” I ask finally.

I can’t see her face. She’s hiding it with her hands. She’s crying.

She stops, lowers her hands. There are small streaks of grey where her tears mixed with her mascara. It’s not a lot, but still visible. “It makes me sick, what they’re doing to them,” she spits.

Henry catches up with us but he seems uncertain about whether he should join the conversation and hangs back a little.

“To the wolves?” I ask, a little dumbfounded.

She lets out a dry, short laugh. “You really don’t get it, do you?” She points in direction of the wolf enclosure. “Why do you think that wolf did that?”

I shrug. I’m aware that this is a delicate situation, but I also really don’t know what’s the right thing to say now.

“Because it wanted to get out?” I honestly hadn’t really thought much of it at the moment. But the way she acts makes more than clear that it’s not normal, right?

She laughs again. “Right.” Then she gets serious at a snap. “That animal we saw in there is sick! No healthy, free animal would ever act so pointlessly! It doesn’t matter how beautiful and big their enclosure is, it can never be big enough in a zoo! And even if it were, they can’t hunt!” She turns away and wipes her nose on her forearm. “I need to get out of here. Sorry for… ruining your day.”

Finally, Henry steps in. “There’s another exit a little further onwards, we could go to the forest and take a walk there?”

She stares at him.

“C’mon, it’s such a nice day. We don’t have to go back through here, we can take the long way around.” he raises his hands. “Unless you just want to get home. I suppose that’s fine, too.”

Slowly, she shakes her head. “No, if you’re fine with that….”

I shrug. I also dislike the idea of staying here at the zoo after what she said. Why did I never think of it that way? Even though I knew that animals don’t like being locked up.

“Yeah, sure.”

Quickly, we leave the zoo and somehow, the moment we’re through the gates, I feel lighter. We only stop once we’re around the next corner and Sadie takes a few deep breaths and looks up at the canopy above us, where the sun is shining through the leaves, giving them this beautiful light-green colour.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier,” she says sheepishly. “My brain went into override.”

I nod. “Don’t worry about it.” She was right, after all.

“One thing I don’t get, though,” says Henry, “Is why you agreed to come along to the zoo in the first place, if you knew you’d hate it.”

She shrugs. “I didn’t. I’ve never been to a zoo, my parents wouldn’t let me. Instead, they took me on safaris and showed me the free animals.” With a sigh, she lets her gaze wander across the trees around us, the thick and healthy underbrush, the dry leaves on the ground. “I honestly thought I could ignore it and just have a nice day out with you.” She shrugs again, a sad smile grazing the corners of her lips. “Sorry about that.”

“Shut up,” Henry says with a grin and gives her a very light punch to the shoulder. “We can still have a nice day out. We don’t need the zoo for that.”