Teach Me How to Fly

“I swear to God,” Sadie says. “They made Death so well. He’s literally my favourite character in all of animation. Like, just look at the animation! The fucking tune he keeps whistling! I love this character.”

I smirk at her. It’s a little difficult with her head resting on my shoulder “Haven’t watched Arcane yet, have you?”

“Arwhat?” she asks, briefly lifting her head to grin at me.

I honestly don’t know how we ended up this way. Like pretty much every evening recently, I’m over in Sadie’s room, lying next to her on the bed I helped put together. Her parents are out tonight, eating at some fancy diner. They offered to take us along but we declined in favour of an evening of movies and unhealthy snacks. And now here we are, lying on her bed, her head casually on my shoulder. She didn’t even ask, just did it and I still don’t know what to make of that. So I did nothing. It’s not that I don’t like it. She smells nice and I like the warmth on my shoulder. But at the same time, my male brain can’t help thinking. What if this is more than just snuggling for comfort? What if this is her way of flirting?

Wouldn’t that make everything so much worse? It’s so much further to fall when inevitably the realisation hits. I mean, I don’t think she’ll hate me for it, she’s way too nice to. But she can’t love me, right? That would make it all pretty awkward.

“Arcane,” I tell her. “That League of Legends series on Netflix?”

“Oh, right,” she says, dramatically putting her hand to her forehead. “It’s that stuff you like to call nerd shit, isn’t it?”

“Nooo!” I protest, my face heating as she pauses the movie. “I didn’t watch Arcane because I play League or in any way care about it. I watched it because it’s a fucking good show!”

Her grin stays. “Woah, there, no need to get all defensive.”

It’s probably just my horny male brain, right? Women aren’t interested in you, like, ever. So don’t go ruining a nice friendship by making the wrong assumptions. Especially when you wouldn’t even love her back.

Which is strange, to be fair. I’m usually pretty quick to develop crushes and she definitely fits my type. Fucking hormones, huh? Either way, it’s probably better like this.

She unpauses the movie. There’s not a lot left. The final confrontation between Death and the cat with only one life left. Sadie’s right. Death really is a good character. Isn’t he way too scary for the intended audience? Like, the first time he appears, that so would’ve given me nightmares a few years back. Probably not even that far into the past. I took my dear time growing up.

Something bumps against my lips. I flinch at first, then realise that it’s Sadie holding a gummy to them. Gently, I take it with my lips. I didn't mean to touch her fingers but my lower lip lightly brushes against her thumb.

There are people who just do these things, right?

And anyway, she’s not normal. That much I should know by now. She’s weird. The nice kind.

The movie ends. She cried a little at the end, even though she’s the one who already knew the movie. Well, I cried a little too. But I didn’t know the movie yet.

Fucking hormones, huh?

I hope she didn’t notice.

As the streaming service jumps back to the overview, I stretch out to my full length and yawn, hoping that the fluid in my eyes will properly disperse. It seems to do the job.

When I open my eyes again, Sadie’s looking down at me with an amused smile.

“Tired?” she asks.

It’s already pretty late at night. Well, depends on your definition of late, probably. Not long until midnight.

I shake my head. “I’m fine.”

The amusement on her face grows. Then she glances out the window and wipes her hands on her shorts, briefly biting her lower lip. “Wanna go outside? Get some fresh air before going to bed?”

I nod. “Yeah, sounds like a great idea.”

She jumps off the bed. No clue how she still has that much energy. “Should I bring the box?” she asks, briefly glancing in my direction before bending over to pick up the speaker.

I shrug. “It’s pretty late, isn’t it? We shouldn’t play music too loudly.”

“Alright.”

She seems a little disappointed.

Well, no helping that. I really don’t have the energy for a dancing session right now. I already worked out with Henry earlier. It’s been a long day. A good one but still long.

Without much hurry, we make our way down the stairs. She leads the way, occasionally glancing in my direction.

“It should be warm enough to be out like this, right?” she asks as I tie my shoelaces. She’s already put on her sandals by then.

I look up at her with amusement. “I haven’t looked at the weather forecast.” And anyway, isn’t it a little late to think about that now? Now that she has her shoes on and we’re about to leave.

She shrugs. “It’ll be fine.”

And she seems to be right. The air outside is still heavy with the day’s heat. It’s actually a little warmer than it was inside her room, which is weird considering the time.

We take our time with the walk. Or, well, I do. Sadie keeps having to slow down because she’s faster than me.

Then we arrive and sit by the dunes. Sadie puts on relaxed music on her phone.

Even though it’s not very far from her house, the air feels much less thick out here. There’s barely a wind, but it’s still a lot more comfortable.

The way the waves wash ashore seems almost relaxed. Lazy, even.

“By the way,” I say, leaning back, “Don’t even start on picking a movie for tomorrow, we’re watching Arcane.”

She flinches ever so slightly, glances at me, then nods. “Yeah, sure.”

Well that was a little easier than expected. She’s usually so insistent on her tight-knit schedule to show me all of her favourite movies. It’d honestly seemed a little childish to me, but I never cared enough to bring it up. And anyway, she has a great taste in movies, they’re always really good. But now….

“Is something up, Sadie?” I ask and she finally turns to look at me properly.

“What should be up?” she replies with a nervous chuckle.

Here’s the thing. Sadie’s an awful liar. An absolutely God-awful miserable liar. A few days ago she convinced me to play cards with her and I just had to ask whether she had a certain card and her reaction would tell me everything I needed to know.

I smirk at her. “Something’s up, I can tell. You’ve been acting weird for some time now.”

Even in the dark, I can see her blush furiously. “Don’t rush me, okay?” she stammers and puts her hair back with both hands, briefly lifting it away from her neck. She always does this when she feels warm.

“How would I-” I start, but then shut it. I don’t get it, but she looks uncomfortable. So instead of talking, I settle on watching her as she gathers strands of hair behind her ears, readjusts her posture, clears her throat.

Another nervous chuckle leaves her throat. “There’s no backing out now, is there?” she asks and once again glances in my direction.

I so have no clue what’s going on, but I try to be helpful anyway. “Of course there is. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.” The smirk returns. “Unless you killed someone. In that case, I’d like to know so I can help you loot their home.”

She rolls her eyes. “You’re not being helpful.” She straightens herself, wipes her hands on her shorts and before I have the time to say something a little more helpful, she turns fully towards me, her back to the waves and says, “Right, let’s get this over with.”

She’s wearing a determined smile on her lips and it’s like her eyes are glued to mine. She’s not fixating me in some creepy way, staring or something, they’re just firmly pointed at me.

That’s the moment I know that this is serious, but my mind won’t come up with anything this could mean.

Once again, she clears her throat and wipes her hands. “Sooo… I’ve been here for almost two weeks now and I have spent almost every day in this time with you.” Her speech has this chipper tone to it that makes it sound a little forced. Probably because it is and she’s trying to mask her nervousness. “And as you probably know, I really like being around you. Not just because you’re one of literally two people my age I know around here.” She finally breaks eye contact to let her gaze nervously flicker across the dunes behind me. “You’re so funny and sweet and smart and I’ve never done this before. I’ve never been asked out or asked someone out myself, but I think I know you well enough to know that I really, really like you. Like, like like you.”

And that’s the moment it hits me. She was flirting earlier. She does like me.

And I know how this is going to end. It’s going to get awful in a few seconds, when she finishes this little speech of hers. Because I’ll have to tell her, won’t I? Maybe not awful.

Why am I even scared of telling her? Because it’ll stop her loving me when I don’t even love her back?

No, that’s not love. It’s a crush. Nothing more.

She must’ve seen the realisation on my face. There’s a shift in her expression like she knows what I’m going to say but continues speaking with a brave smile. Her eyes are holding mine again. “So, yeah, I’ve never had a boyfriend before, but I can’t imagine a better one than you. Of course, there’s no need to feel any sort of pressure, just say so if you don’t feel the same way. This won’t have to change anything between us, I’d still love to be your friend. It just wouldn’t leave my mind so I thought I’d shoot my shot before… y’know, before I’m in the friend zone or whatever.” She shrugs and her eyes nervously flicker away, only to return to my face a split second later.

My tongue won’t move. My mind is blank. I want to be nice but at the same time can’t help feeling mad that she brought it up in the first place.

My head spins.

“I have the virus,” I whisper.

“What?” she leans in.

“I have the virus,” I repeat, louder this time.

She sits back, her eyes examine me like she sees me for the first time.

Then she shrugs. “Do you plan on… letting it do its thing?”

“What?” I ask with a frown. “Of course I don’t! I’m already on medication! That won’t keep me from changing, though, because this shithole of a country has a fucked-up medical system with year-long waiting lists.”

My breath is a little heavy by the time I’m done talking and I look at her, expecting a retort, but she’s only watching me, thoughtfully biting her lip.

“You know,” she says then, “If you don’t like me that way, it’s totally okay, right? You can just tell me. You don’t need to come up with an excuse….”

My face grows hot. “It’s not an excuse!”

Why won’t she understand? This isn’t just something that’s going on in my life.

“But you’re saying it like I wouldn’t like you because of it!”

“Of course I am!”

“Why?”

My voice gets even louder. I’m yelling now, my hands balled into fists. “Because it’s fucking disgusting, okay?”

She matches my voice. “I don’t think it is! I don’t care!”

“But I do! It’s my body that changes right under my nose! It’s my life that’s being fucked up by this bullshit virus!”

She frowns. “What point are you even trying to make?” she says in a calmer voice, her green eyes piercing. Like she’s looking right through my forehead and reading those thoughts I don’t even understand myself.

I hate this.

“My point is,” I say through gritted teeth, “that you don’t really love me anyway and it’s only gonna get worse once I start changing. I’m just trying to do you a favour, okay? This is nothing but the result of the ‘new place euphoria’ you get from finally having a proper home.”

I know it’s dumb, but for a moment I really think I’ve finally said the right thing and gotten through to her. The moment lasts only a split-second, though, before she jumps to her feet with tears in her eyes.

“You know, that’s a really shitty thing to say!” she chokes and her voice breaks. “It’s neither my fault that I have no proper parents nor that I have no proper home.” And she storms off.

Well, Wells. That could’ve gone better.

I feel like I should go after her and apologise. But I’d probably just make it worse, wouldn’t I?

I feel a little sick, suddenly. It was her that took me in, wasn’t it? She went to all the trouble to see me again and again and still she kept acting like I was doing her such a big favour.

I really hope I can fix this. Should I wait a few minutes and then go after her? Should I wait until tomorrow? Send a text now?

Will she even talk to me?

I’m frozen in the wind, the smell of seaweed and salt and the sound of splashing waves.

I hate this. I hate me. Without the virus, none of this would’ve happened. Without the virus, I might have a girlfriend now.

Without the virus I’d be happy.

My eyes sting. My throat goes tight. Fuck, I’m not going to cry.

Steps to my left make me look up. It’s Sadie, slowly walking back towards me. Her face is a little puffy and her cheeks have still a slight glitter to them. But she’s not crying anymore.

As she comes closer, she avoids my eyes and wipes her nose on the back of her hand.

Then she drops down in the sand next to me.

I eye her curiously, only realising at the periphery of my consciousness that the knot in my throat has dissolved.

I should apologise now, shouldn’t I?

But just as I’ve put the words in the correct order and open my mouth, she blurts, “I shouldn’t’ve shouted at you like that. And anyway, it’s none of my business how you feel about your body or about me or…” She takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too,” I mumble. “That really was a shitty thing to say.”

She nods. “So. Think we can just… forget about this?” Already, she’s smiling again. Sheepishly, yes, but smiling still.

I nod. “Yeah.” Then I swallow. “Just real quick, I wanted to add that none of this is, like, your fault in any way. You’re amazing, right? But… right now there’s just so much going on in my head and you just heard, I think I’d be a really shitty boyfriend or whatever.”

She nods, a sympathetic look in her eyes. “Get back to loving yourself first, then think about loving somebody else.”

“Right. I don’t expect you to wait around, obviously.” Because that’s gonna take a while.

“Just tell me when you’re ready and we’ll talk about it. I mean, can’t get worse than what just happened, can it?” She giggles. “I really feel like we can talk about anything now.”

I nod slowly. She’s totally right. She knows about the virus. I know about her feelings. It doesn’t get any deeper than that, not for me, anyway. And somehow, I feel lighter now. She’s still my friend.

“So. Until then… friends?”

I nod as a breeze hits us and blows back her hair. “Friends.”

For a whole while, we’re silent, then she says in a low voice, “Can you keep a secret?”

I nod. Because isn’t this what we just talked about?

“I’ve never fought before today.”

My eyes go big. “Never?” To be honest, though, it shouldn’t really surprise me. She’s not the type. She’s too nice. Too considerate.

She shrugs. “It’s not like I’ve never been mad about anything. But it just… never really seemed to matter enough.”

Wow. So I matter, huh?

“How’d you like your first fight?” I ask jokingly.

She snorts. “Absolutely hated it. Let’s never do that again, okay?”

“I’ll try my best.”