ALL NOVEL Chapter 14: Anxious
My third day back on Neamhan was bland. I spent most of it in my flat, lying on my bed. I had nothing planned, nor anything to do, but didn’t feel ready to get back to Eden yet. Still, my thoughts kept drifting back there.
I wondered how Ann was doing, and the rest of the team. Whether the twins were integrating well. If they missed me too much and what they were doing. I imagined them all going about their lives.
Ann usually studied in the library, looking up new spell tomes, or learning some new languages. Both to improve her stats, as well as in case she needed to decipher them. Liam would usually be meditating under the shadow of a tree, oftentimes with Matt practicing his sword beneath its falling petals.
Sometimes, Emilia would spar with him, and the clash of wood on wood rang out across the courtyard. Marie might ask Liam to make small targets for her to shoot, shaking the man from his stasis and having him create motes of flickering shadow for her to practice with.
Usually, I’d be right there with them.
The thought brought a sigh to my lips and I spun around in bed until my head hung off its side. If I’d had longer hair, it would’ve swept across the dusty floor. I sighed again.
Boring, so very boring. I felt caged, cooped up. Needing to do something. For a brief few seconds I considered stepping through my mirror, but decided against it eventually. ‘Rule number one: The mirrors can’t eat you, but attachment can.’
I knew that I liked staying in Eden a bit too much. Far too much, even. Which is why I needed to practice restraint and live on this side as well.
But at the same time, I needed to get rid of all this energy. Reluctantly, I pulled myself out of bed. It was a friday morning. Everything would be open, and probably pretty empty, with most people working.
There wasn’t usually a whole lot to do in the city, nor was there a whole lot I wanted to do. I could’ve gone to the park, but sitting in the grass with a mask on seemed miserable. One after another, I went through the options of things I didn’t wanna do. No cinema, no theme park, no walks, no gaming café. Didn’t feel like going to the bookstore… Maybe the gym?
I could go to the gym.
Using the momentary motivation, I quickly hopped out of bed and got dressed in sportier clothes. I didn’t like locker rooms, and usually preferred to just change before heading there. Once I was done, I hopped into my car and made my way to the gym.
About halfway, I felt my motivation drop off again, but I was already committed by then. So on to the gym I went.
When I was there, I quickly put in headphones, and went about normal practice routines. I made sure to keep my cores tightly shut, with not a mote of Qi in my body. Despite that, I could still feel the glass shift underneath my skin, almost imperceptibly, but it didn’t provide any support this time.
Eventually, I went to the treadmill and started running. Then I just kind of kept running. I turned the speed up, and started daydreaming mostly. About where I would rather be. Then I shook those thoughts off as well, and mindlessly ran.
I don’t quite know how long I did so, but by the time I came back to myself, the sun was significantly higher in the sky, and I was positively drenched in sweat. My legs burned, and so did my lungs as I panted heavily. The reason I came back was a quiet whisper in my head by Cass, but I kept her quiet for a bit more. Just the couple minutes it took to turn off the treadmill, chug my entire water bottle, and find a place to sit down.
[Bell. Can I talk to you for one second?]
‘Shoot,’ I thought back at it.
[Thank you. I have been contemplating my existence.]
Always a good start.
[Due to my intrinsic ties to the gateway within you, and being created from your data, I believe that I should trust you more than the other keepers.]
‘I appreciate that, Cass,’ I thought back.
[Therefore I believe I should inform you of your impending struggles. Withdrawal of the gateway from your body will kill you, Bell.]
The blood in my veins froze at that. I grasped my own arm and squeezed to calm myself down as I grit my teeth. ‘Fucking keepers,’ I thought. My mind was running a mile a minute. I couldn’t afford to die in Eden. What the fuck were my parents gonna think? Losing another kid?
[The damage is currently extensive. However, as the gateway is repaired, I believe you should begin to seek a solution to this problem.]
‘No shit,’ I snapped back, probably more aggressively than needed. ‘Any ideas then, Cass?’
[Some. You could try to completely fuse with the gateway, so your destruction would mean its destruction as well. Or you could completely avoid any interactions with the keepers, but I believe that to be non-feasible. Finally, I think there is a chance we may be able to ally with other factions on Eden, such as the divines, to prevent our destruction.]
Option two was out immediately. No fucking way was I staying here or on Eden forever. Again, my family needed me, but I was not willing to completely cripple my enjoyment of life, either. No, I’d go to Eden again.
Maybe the gods were an option. Lurelia had been kind when we last spoke. But I think I’d prefer fusing with the gateway. No chance of being backstabbed.
[I would’ve chosen the same. We’ll live, no matter what.]
I nodded at that. ‘We will,’ I thought. No way I was letting the keepers take away my life again. Luckily Cass was choosing to work with me. Even though I didn’t fully trust her yet, having an ally was beyond valuable in this case.
After running through some more thoughts, I got up with a sigh, then quickly headed back to my car. Cass was running some simulations in my head, or something like it anyway, while I instead moved to get home. I needed a shower, both to think, and to calm down.
The drive went by quickly, and I jumped up the stairs to my flat three at a time. I practically rushed through the door and slammed it shut behind myself, in much more of a panic than I ever would’ve expected.
Taking a moment to calm down, I looked around the place. Undisturbed. No one had gone in or out. I breathed a small sigh of relief, and went to my bathroom. The cold water cleared my head a bit, but I still needed advice. Someone smarter than me to talk this out with.
Only one person came to mind, and I soon found myself making the trip back down my stairway once more. My legs ached from the running, and complained to me, but I ignored it. My hands were slightly shaky. I probably should’ve eaten something. Oh well, a quick stop for some fast food would be fine.
Shutting the car door with another thud, I turned the keys and started driving. There were more cars on the road, I’d managed to get back down just in time for most people’s midday break. It gave me some more time to be annoyed, and some time to honk at an asshole who cut lanes.
Finally, though, I managed to pick up a burger and devour it on my way. I just swallowed the last bite as I pulled into an old driveway of a small house. It was the kind where you knew old people lived in it.
The garden was well kempt, with a few beds of flowers, and some more of them hanging from a balcony. There was a small patio with a roof and a bench that was full of sun-bleached pillows. Perhaps they’d been orange at some point, now only vestiges of the colour remained.
Parts of the colour from the walls had flaked off, revealing lacquered wood beneath. It still bravely stood the test of time, showing no rot yet. Perhaps it would receive a new paint-job in due time.
Slowly, I pulled into the small driveway, making sure to avoid even coming close to the grass. I didn’t wanna get an earful about that again. But after some trying, I managed to fit my car neatly next to a small red one in the drive.
When I got out, I took a quick glance at the house and breathed in. The air here wasn’t great, but the plants helped beat away at the smog. It was cozy, that’s how I’d describe it. Comfortable.
I followed the stone walkway to the front door, past the faded bench, and knocked on a dark green door. The colour was flaking off it as well, and I shook a tiny patch loose as I knocked, adding it to the small pile of colourful flakes on the floor.
Unlike most houses nowadays, there was no bell. Nor did I have to announce myself with a call. It had been made extraordinarily clear to me that such things were simply bothersome. I was welcome whenever I needed it, and right now, I really, really needed it.
The wait, as always, was awkward. I had my hands behind my back, tipping forward and backward from the tips of my toes to balancing on my heels, but once I heard shuffling inside, my heart calmed down a bit. Someone was at least home, I just hoped it was who I was hoping for.
After some more shuffling on my part, and the person inside the house, the door swung open, revealing a small woman with stark white hair in curls off her head. Her grey eyes looked up to meet mine, and her neutral expression twisted into the slightest smile.
“Fio!” she greeted me loudly, clasping my hand in hers. “My oh my, child, it’s been so long since your last visit! Where have you been? Ah, no, forget about it,” she corrected, once she saw my face twist. “Just tell me how you’ve been.” And with a tiny tap on my cheek, she shuffled into the house, gesturing at me to follow.