ALL NOVEL Zhishu He asked the doctor to take him to the cemetery, Anxian Cemetery in Hangzhou, where his parents were buried. This had always been the pain that hid in the depth of his heart, the pain he didn’t want to bring up.
The sky was drizzling. The wind blew tiny raindrops on the windows of the car that parked outside the cemetery.
“Shall I wait for you outside?” Ziyu Ai passed Zhishu He his coat and got off the car to grab an umbrella in the trunk.
Zhishu He didn’t move; he lowered his head, hands covering his face, body quivering. He dared not to visit his parents. Nor did he think he was entitled.
He wanted to visit the old house but he didn’t in the end. That house was sold to someone else a long time ago and it was refurbished, leaving no trace of the old owners at all. Zhishu He was the one sold the house after his parents died, then he used the money to cover the down payment for their house in Beijing.
Zhishu He figured that he and Wenxu Jiang might be the same type of person that said sorry just for show while making amends by telling themselves how guilty they were. The type of person that was selfish and always hurt the ones that loved them.
Ziyu Ai opened the door and held the umbrella for Zhishu. “I’ll go in there with you.” Zhishu He was carrying more burdens than anyone could imagine, the doctor felt unsettled to leave him to deal with all the pain by himself so that he couldn’t sleep at nights.
Zhishu He slowly raised his head; his eyes looked timid and somehow evasive. I’ll… go?” He was asking the doctor, but it was more like he was trying to find himself an excuse to not go.
Ziyu Ai tended to resign himself to Zhishu and he would always say something like ‘we can do it next time when you feel better’, but this time, he said nothing. He wanted Zhishu to untie the knot in his heart in the last days of his life.
‘There’s something that you need to face up to.’
“Put on your coat, I’ll walk you in there.” Ziyu said in a gentle tone.
Zhishu heavily rubbed his temples and eventually got off the car. Standing at the entrance of the cemetery, he saw the layers and layers of gravestones lining up on the vast grassland in distance; suddenly, he stumbled.
Ziyu hurried to steady him with one hand while holding the umbrella with another. “Are you okay?”
Zhishu shook his head. “Let’s get in.”
His parents’ grave wasn’t easy to locate so Zhishu He searched for the right one based on his vague memory. One grave after another, the sadness and hopelessness became heavier and heavier.
The large black umbrella Ziyu was holding moved back and forth in rain quietly and solemnly.
At last, Zhishu stood still before a marble gravestone as if he had an electric shock. His face started to pale; his lips were shivering. It took him a while to recover, then he slowly turned around to push the doctor away and barely made a sound. “Give me some space,” He asked, “Could you?”
“Sure,” Ziyu Ai totally understood it, “Here, take the umbrella.”
Zhishu He put on a sad smile and shook his head, “I don’t even deserve an umbrella here.” Step by step, he walked into the rain and got close to the death manifestation of his parents’.
Only two steps away from that gravestone, Zhishu He abruptly knelt down on the cold wet cement floor as if he was hit by something heavy. He didn’t get up and looked down for a while, then kowtowed intensely all of a sudden.
“Dad, Mom… It was my fault…” Zhishu He was biting his under-lip so hard that it bled and his apologies were squeezed out along with the blood, “Sorry… Sorry… Sorry…”
Zhishu was unable to cry because he had cried so much for Wenxu Jiang that he had run out of tears. His red eyes seemed like bleeding, he could neither hold back nor let go of the guilt in them.
No matter how big fights he and Wenxu Jiang would have, Zhishu He never mentioned his parents’ death to show how pitiful he was. He didn’t mention it because he didn’t blame Wenxu Jiang. The only person that should take the blame… was himself.
Countless nights, countless awakenings. All he could see was a roomful of pitch black while gnashing the back of his own hand. Zhishu He never let someone else share the burden on his conscience, he blamed himself all along. Every time he was hurt or felt tired out, the pain doubled, but he knew clearly that he wouldn’t have another home that was always there waiting for him.
“Mom… Sorry… I always made you worry. I know how disappointed you were… You must have wondered how come a kid that was so good when he was little… abandoned you for a man…” Zhishu He sounded choked but there were no tears in his eyes. Looking carefully, there was only blood. “I… I’ve been missing the sweet dumplings you made for 15 years… Cou…could you make those sweet dumplings for me one more time when you aren’t mad at me anymore, mom?”
“Mom! Don’t ignore me… If you are still in a sulk, just hit me…” Zhishu He suddenly stopped talking; his eyes looked less cloudy. He smiled in bitterness, “Dad, mom’s ignoring me.”
The man and woman in the black-and-white photo were smiling mildly. They seemed to have passed their grace and gentleness on to their son, but now, all they’ve got was this grave.
It was a cruel fact that you just don’t get the lost ones back, whether you can accept it or not.
“Dad, it must have been hard for you to take care of mom in the last decade… She’s a timid and dainty woman; she must be scared of the darkness six feet under… Dad, you gotta bear with her. Soon… Soon I’ll be protecting the both of you…” Zhishu He said quietly, “I won’t upset you again… Honestly, I won’t keep you waiting so long again…”
Ziyu Ai’s fingernail pierced his palm as he saw Zhishu He kneeling in rain yet he dared not to interfere. But he had a strong feeling that Zhishu He couldn’t go on like this. He didn’t quite know how his parents died but he knew any normal human being couldn’t bear the torture of being separated from family, not to mention that Zhishu He was a patient in a fraught mental state.
Ziyu Ai walked up to him and sheltered Zhishu with the umbrella. “Zhishu, let’s go home, ” Still, he said, “We’ll visit them again when you get better.”
Surprisingly, Zhishu didn’t insist on staying. With Ziyu’s help, he struggled to get up and started to walk slowly. Only after three steps, Zhishu looked back at the photo and there he smiled like a kid purely and innocently. “Dad, mom, wait for me.” He said to himself.
Zhishu He’s smile, however, jerked Ziyu Ai’s heart. “Your clothes are all wet. Are you cold?” He said sadly and helplessly.
Zhishu He stayed silent all the way back to the car.
Ziyu turned up the heat and wiped gently Zhishu’s face and hair with a dry towel without knowing what to say.
Zhishu looked up at Ziyu for quite a while, and then said with a warm smile, “I feel so relieved, just like getting rid of the stone weighing me down. I feel so light right now…” Before he finished his sentence, he closed his eyes and fell into sleep.
That just shocked Ziyu. Zhishu’s face was ice-cold, but near his neck, his body temperature was terrifyingly hot.