The House at the Edge

The pain in my chest intensified as I asked myself the question that had haunted me for so long.

"Why? Why won't they accept me?" I thought bitterly. "

After I was adopted, I thought I was the happiest kid in the world. I thought finally, I had a family that loved me, that wanted me. But now, it feels like that was just a hollow dream, a lie I told myself to make everything easier."

My thoughts turned dark as I replayed the pain and rejection I had experienced time and time again.

"Why did I ever think things would be different this time?" I wondered bitterly.

"It's my own fault for putting on expectations, for thinking that this family would actually see me as one of their own. But it seems like history is repeating itself, just like with my biological mother. That *bitch* abandoned me, and now it looks like my adoptive family is doing the same."

I realized that my adopted family's love and affection for me may not be as genuine or unconditional as i hoped for. I truly longing to be truly part of this family. I want to be loved like Alice.

I felt a surge of anger and sadness as I was reminded that my adopted family's affection for me might not be genuine.

"It's always about Alice!" I yelled, my voice trembling with emotion. "ALWAYS! It's like I don't even matter to them, like they only see me as a shadow of the daughter they truly wanted. I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am, but it seems like I'll always be living in Alice's shadow, never good enough on my own."

My self-worth plummeted as I grappled with my feelings of inadequacy and rejection.

"What am I then?!" I cried out, my voice cracking with despair. "Who am I if my own family doesn't see me as their own? Why was I even born if I'm just a replacement for someone else? I might as well be dead, because it seems like no one will

"JUST WHAT AM I?! WHO AM I?!. Do i even worth to be alive? I should have been the one to died at that time!"

I suddenly became aware of the metallic taste of blood in my mouth as I realized I had bitten my lip in my frustration.

"What am I doing?!" I thought, ashamed of myself.

"This is my mother, I shouldn't be acting this way. I should be grateful for her, not cursing and acting like a petulant child. I really don't deserve her love if this is how I act..."

I let out a deep sigh, the realization of my behavior sinking in.

"Even so..." I muttered to myself, feeling a wave of guilt wash over me. "I shouldn't have acted like this in front of my mother. No matter how frustrated or hurt I feel, I have no right to be so disrespectful and ungrateful. She deserves better than that from me, even if she doesn't seem to acknowledge my presence right now..."

I stood there, feeling even more ashamed and guilty than before. I silently berated myself for my outburst and my lack of gratitude towards my mother.

"I need to get a grip on myself," I thought, taking a deep breath to try to calm my emotions.

"I can't keep acting like this, it's not fair to my mother. I need to find a way to deal with my feelings of inadequacy and rejection without taking it out on her."

Overwhelmed with regret and guilt, I decided to apologize to my mother.

"Mom, I'm sorry," I said quietly, my voice trembling.

"I shouldn't have acted the way I did, it was unfair and disrespectful. I just... I just feel so lost and unwanted, like you don't truly see me as part of this family. And I know I'm not Alice, but... I'm still here. I'm trying my best."

But despite my efforts, my mother continued to ignore me, her cold silence speaking volumes.

"Am I really that disgusting to you..." I asked, my voice cracking with hurt. "That you can't even look at me, can't even acknowledge my presence? Is this how you really feel about me...?"

Despite my earlier resolve to stay calm and respectful, my emotions got the better of me as I stared at my mother, who continued to remain unresponsive.

Mother IGNORE ME!

I could feel my frustration growing with each passing moment.

"Why won't she respond, why won't she look at me?" I thought, my mind racing. "Am I really that disgusting to her?"

The pain and anger inside me boiled over, and the words came pouring out of my mouth without any sense of restraint.

"WHY WON'T YOU ACKNOWLEDGE ME?" I yelled, my voice growing louder with each word. "WHY WON'T YOU LOOK AT ME, TALK TO ME, SHOW ME THAT YOU CARE?! PLEASE, JUST TELL ME WHY!"

"WHY!? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYYYY!!?! ".  This word keep repeating inside my head. Its hurting me!

My anger flared further as my mother asked about my father again, completely ignoring the fact that I was standing right in front of her.

"Why do you keep asking about him?" I thought bitterly.

"I'm right here! I'm the one who's been here, taking care of you, worrying about you. And yet you still act like I don't even exist. Why can't you just talk to me, ask me how I'm doing?"

JUST WHY! Why won't she ask about ME instead who infront of her, care and worry to death about her. 

The hurt and frustration bubbled up inside me as my mother continued to fixate on my father instead of me.

"Why am I not enough for her?" I thought, my heart aching. "I've been here the whole time, taking care of her and worrying about her recovery. I'm the one who's been by her side, and yet she won't even acknowledge my presence. Why does she keep asking about him, when I'm right here, ready to give her everything I have?"

I stood there, feeling completely dejected and overlooked. My mother's fixation on my father, despite my presence, was like a knife twisting in my heart.

"Is this how it's always going to be?" I wondered quietly. "Am I always going to be here, caring and worrying about her, but never truly seen or acknowledged by her?"

The sadness and disappointment weighed heavily on me as I tried to come to terms with the reality that my mother's love and attention might always be reserved for someone else.

The weight of my disappointment and sadness became unbearable as I stood there, feeling ignored and unimportant. I realized that trying to force my mother to see me and acknowledge me wouldn't work. She was fixated on my father, and nothing I could do would change that.

"There's no point in trying to get her to notice me," I thought, my heart heavy with resignation.

"She's clearly not interested in me. I'm invisible to her, and I always will be."

With a heavy heart, I came to the realization that trying to get my mother to see and acknowledge me was a lost cause.

"What's the point?" I wondered, my shoulders slumping in defeat.

"Even if I try to express my feelings and frustrations, she's not going to listen. She's always going to be more interested in my father than me. I'm just a shadow in her life, a replacement that will never measure up."

My heart skipped a beat as my mother's mouth moved and she uttered a single word - "Alex."

"Did she...did she just say my name?" I thought, a mixture of hope and disbelief welling up inside me. I had resigned myself to the fact that my mother had no interest in me, but now, the sound of my name on her lips was like a faint glimmer of light in the darkest of nights.

I felt a spark of excitement as I responded to my mother's first sign of acknowledgement.

"What is it, mother?" I asked, my voice filled with a hopeful tone. "Is there something you want to tell me?"