The Mad Rat’s Lab

“Hahaha! More, feed me more!” Ricard laughs on top of a human mountain of corpses. Well, as big a mountain as it can fit on top of the wall, which isn’t too big.

Wait a moment… since when was there a mountain of corpses? I could swear they were strewn about after dying.

…I’m sure it’s his work. I’m sure he did it so he could laugh on a literal mountain of corpses.

I don’t care anymore. But it’s time to snap him out of it: I want to leave this boring place as soon as possible.

“Hey, Baldy. Stop acting like that and start moving. What’s more, you didn’t kill a single one of them. Lemon and I did all the work.”

“Huh?” He looks at me, confused. He takes a while to understand my words. “Um… do you, perhaps, want some humans too?”

Is he for real?

“Ugh, no thanks. You can keep all the humans for yourself. Their souls, their bodies… I don’t care as long as they don’t get anywhere near my dungeon.”

Humans? Who would ever want humans? They’re disgusting and useless!

Though they aren’t as disgusting and useless as the Stitched…

But this and that are two separate things. I won’t ever admit humans in my dungeon, keep them out of my sight! They’re the worst faction in the game because they don’t have innate skills!

“Then, more souls for me! Hahaha! Tasty, easy to acquire souls! Hahaha!”

“Yeah, sure… say whatever you want. As long as you help with the next fight… Look there.” I point with my finger to the stairs. Since we’re now on top of the walls, the knights protecting the gate are now climbing to fight the intruders. “The next batch of humans is coming our way.”

“Oooh, more souls for my legions! Yes, come to me. Come to your future lord!”

“...”

You’re right, he’s a lost cause. But, at least, I won’t have to deal with humans for a while.

Not directly, at least. Because like in a real defensive fortification, they don’t have a single layer of defense. Immediately after taking the outer wall, the enemies have been shooting arrows at us from the arrow slits in the castle.

Luckily, there aren’t many. There are only so many arrow slits you can create in a castle. Not so luckily, we have no way to strike back: our spells don’t work when the hole is so small that we can’t see the target. It’s even worse for Ricard and Clara as they barely have any ranged attacks.

I’m so glad this is a game. In real life, a single arrow can kill you, but here, we only take a slight bit of damage.

I hide behind the Glutton, the biggest unit in our squad, to avoid the arrows. I need to save my HP. Every time I use my spells I take damage, I wouldn’t want to kill myself later because I took useless damage now.

Meanwhile, Ricard starts making his way through the horde of knights trying to reach us.

Laura decides to hide behind the Glutton with me. “In situations like this, your minions’ passive healing does wonders.” She says.

“Yes. The Vitality Aura works wonders over a long time.”

She then makes a signal in Ricard’s direction. “Shouldn’t we help him deal with the humans?”

“No, it’s better to reserve our MP and EP for future battles. Let Baldy, who heals by killing enemies, deal with them for now.” I give a proper excuse.

Helping Ricard deal with the humans? Hell no!

It was he who wanted to come, so let him take care of the bothersome situations by himself.

Also, the undead don’t grow old or get tired, nor do they need to sleep or eat. Don’t you agree they are the ones best suited for boring, repetitive tasks? I’m sure Ricard would agree. Especially now that he’s in character.

“Yes! Keep coming! I won’t ever get tired of killing you. I’ll feast on your souls, so I can keep going until none of you remains!”

See? I was right.

“You’re right… his skill only works on the undead…” She then makes a nasty smile, one only a demon could produce. “It’s fun to watch others work so hard. Fufufu!”

“Keep going, Baldy! Make them tremble in fear at your amazing display of skill!” Clara cheers for him while using a human corpse as cover. Like us, she doesn’t seem to have any intention to help him.

“Uooooo! Nothing can stop me!”

It’s a critical hit!

It takes close to five minutes for Ricard and his minions to clear the way to the door to the castle. Finally, we can take cover from the archers.

But no archers doesn’t mean we’re free of obstructions. The narrow corridor, which barely allows two of us to stand side by side, is filled with enemy soldiers trying to stop us.

It’s time to regroup and talk about how to approach the next battles.

“Alright, team. Now that we’re here, we can take a rest. One of us can block the front, while the others–”

Ricard interrupts me. “Yes. Yes! I can feel new power, slowly accumulating in me. We must go forth. To make sure the cycle of life and death continues!”

“Uh… fine?”

“Let’s gooo!”

Without waiting for us, he starts running ahead, followed by his minions.

I exchange a glance with my sister and Laura before shrugging. “Well, as long as I don’t have to do anything…”

“Let’s leave it to him, then. Fufufu!”

“Go, go! Baldy, I believe in you! Hehehe!”

They quickly agree with me.

Note to my future self. Never, ever, follow Ricard into a human dungeon if it can be avoided. First of all, because it’s boring. Secondly, because it’s boring. But thirdly and more importantly, because his crazy mode turns on and makes him impossible to control.

It isn’t like I don’t enjoy leaving the work to others, but… it’d be so much better if that work wasn’t related to humans. Or even better, if I didn’t have to listen to Ricard’s weird bullshit.

Slowly, but steadily, stepping on the human corpses littering the floor, we advance. I know it sounds disgusting, but you get used to this kind of thing after playing DMA.

Ricard goes first, followed by his minions, then Laura, I, and finally Clara.

“What’s this? Why’s there a door?”

I’m curious. Why is there a door in this passage? And why didn’t my teammates notice it? Is there something interesting inside? Not sure what to expect, I open it.

And what I find as soon as I open is… A stick to my face!

“Uah! That surprised me!” I jump back too late to avoid it.

Unluckily for my attacker, I have the Lightning Shield skill, which releases a blast of electricity. The electricity then starts bouncing around as usual.

“Hm… A bunch of humans are inside?” I finish opening the door and observe the paralyzed humans on the ground. “They’re farmers!”

Hahaha! They were just a bunch of farmers! I didn’t need to do anything at all, they practically killed themselves.

I only need to finish them off, so I do what anybody else would: shove one Good Follower inside and let him do it for me.

“I like it when I feel so strong. I think I start to understand Baldy…”

Nooooooo! Stop! Stop immediately, Andreu! Don’t get corrupted by the nasty undead!

In response, I immediately smack my head. ‘Ugh, ah! Thanks! I almost lost myself there…’

You’re welcome.

“What are you doing?” Laura looks at me with a weird face. “Why did you smack your face like that?”

“...nothing. It was… it was a mosquito.”

She raises one eyebrow. “A mosquito? Inside a game?”

“Ugh… yes?”

“...”

She turns around after a while of staring at my face without saying anything. Is that a smile I’ve seen on her lips?

 

---

 

“Finally! Fresh air!” I exclaim, stretching my arms. “That passage was too narrow.”

“You didn’t do anything at all, don’t act like that.” Retorts Laura.

I didn’t do anything? How dare she say this? I was cheering for Ricard the whole time! Quietly, while thinking about other stuff… But I was cheering for him!

“Tsk, tsk, tsk… Too narrow is too narrow.”

Clara runs off to the ramparts and calls for me. “Brother, watch this! The view is amazing here!”

“We’re almost at the top of the castle, of course, the view would be amazing…”

I reluctantly go in her direction and look at the wall below. If not for the hundreds of human corpses, the view would be amazing indeed.

“It’s kind of romantic, don’t you agree?” Hmm… when did Laura get so close? Did she use Blink?

When I turn around, I notice Ricard anxiously looking around. “Where are the humans? Why are there no humans here?”

If I don’t ask, I’ll explode. “Didn’t you get enough? Most people would say a few hundred should be enough…”

“No! I need more! There’s never enough souls to feed my evergrowing legions!”

“Alright…”

We’re now in some kind of plaza between two castle towers. The castle is built on the mountain, and the space between the two main towers is like a small, flat valley. One side of this plaza ends in a wall with a rampart, and the other is excavated on the mountain itself.

I’m not sure what purpose this place serves, but there are no humans here. Maybe a training ground?

But it sure feels refreshing! The clear sky, with no walls nearby… wait, what’s that dot?

“Is that… a bird? W-wait! Why is that bird so freaking big!?” I squint my eyes. “No, it isn’t a bird. It’s a freaking Griffin!”

Ooooh, yes! Finally, something interesting! A Griffin! It’s the first time I’ve seen one because they pertain to the human faction!

Fucking humans, they’re so useless! But Griffin aren’t. Though they still don’t have innate skills, they at least look cool and can fly. Plus they’re strong. Maybe I can capture a Griffin and use it for something interesting!

“Experimental subje– huh, I mean… Enemies! We’re getting attacked!”

Following the first dot, a second one soon appears. At the speed they fly, it doesn’t take long for them to reach us. There are humans with big lances riding them.

The first to react, excited at the prospect of fighting more humans, is Ricard. “More humans…? No, they’re Griffin. Tsk, what a shame.” The first Griffin swoops in as he speaks. “Be careful, don’t let them grab you. If they fly up and drop you–”

“Brotheeeeeer! Save meeeee!”

Ricard’s warning is too late. Excited at the new enemy, my sister allowed it to get close. Now, she’s dangling between the griffin’s claws as it flies away.

“I don’t want to die like thiiiiis!” She keeps shouting.

Oh my god. Thank god it’s her and not one of us. She’s the only one who can turn this situation into something good.

“You fool!” I shout so she can hear me. “You just need to grab it with your tentacles! Aren’t you the Tentacle Queen? The Horrifying Embrace? The Younger Sister of the Apocalypse?” Don’t ask me, these are nicknames she created for herself. “How can you allow yourself to be dropped when the enemy voluntarily presented itself to you?”

“Ah! You’re right! Hehehe!”

With a silly laugh, she extends her tentacles to grab both the Griffin and the knight sitting on top of it. Their HP bars start falling at a considerable speed. When they reach a sufficient height, the griffin opens its claws to release her, but it’s too late for them, the leach has latched at them like glue. They won’t shake her off that easily.

The other griffin swoops in and catches one of my good followers. Ricard forcefully brings it next to him before it can fly away with Dark Grab and uses Taunt to force it to attack him.

Oooh! It’s rare to see Ricard acting like a proper tank! Is it because we’re fighting humans?

Clara’s griffin starts flying around randomly, trying to shake her off. The problem is that, even if she isn’t falling yet, she will when it dies. And she can’t deactivate all her DoT effects.

“Lemon, if the griffin flies close to the ground, release it and jump! Or you’ll die!” And then, I’ll use Chain Lightning and capture it!

“Okay! Uaaaah, it’s moving too much!”

Hahaha! She’s such a good sister. Sometimes… when she feels like it.

I cast Chaos Blast at the other griffin. It takes some damage but not enough to take the aggro from Ricard. Laura hits it with her whip too.

Meanwhile, our support mobs are doing their best. AI isn’t the best at predicting enemy paths. Against attack patterns as complex as those from these griffins, they tend to suck.

“Brotheeeeeer, I-I’m cooooming!”

At her shout, I look up, just in time to see her fly over my head, maybe two meters above ground. She releases the griffin and falls to the ground.

I quickly cast Chain Lightning. The lighting soars through the sky, hits the griffin, and leaves it at 1 HP, paralyzed. It’s all thanks to Clara’s constant damage that my plan worked as planned.

Then, the griffin falls to the ground. And it dies upon contact.

Yeah… I didn’t think this through. I didn’t take the falling damage into account. This is why flying enemies are so annoying to capture. Don’t get me started on how much I suffered when capturing a Fairy Queen, which can fly AND turn invisible.

What a shame. I couldn’t do anything to ‘save’ that Griffin from its horrible fate and give it another, yet even worse fate.

“Uh, yeah, well… Whatever.” I turn my head to the other griffin. “I have a second chance. I won’t fail this one.”

This time I’ll immobilize it with Cold Blast before its HP gets too low, then I’ll quickly capture it before the immobilization runs off…

I start casting the spell when the griffin swoops in, trying to grab Ricard. He dodges to the side in time, avoiding the claws. Then, in a miraculous stroke of luck, the Grutton, which so far has missed all its attacks due to its slow movement, chomps on the griffin before it can fly away.

*Chomp!* The griffin dies.

“Noooooooooo!” I shout. “Why did the freaking monster have to land that attack right now!? Couldn’t it miss, like always!?”

Shit. No griffin for me today.

 

“It’s possible to use another unit as a mount as long as that unit is significantly larger and it has the mount tag. It’s also possible to make units stand on top of another unit if you’re ingenious, even if they don’t have the mount tag, but the results won’t be as good as the default ones… and can be quite unpredictable.”

- Basic DMA knowledge every player should know.