The Objectively Most Rational Decision

-- Day 73 --

I should probably get a job.

Laying once again on my terrible bed, on another terrible morning, staring at the same boring ceiling that I always did, I engaged in the unthinkable: contemplating my future.

I really hated doing that.

It had always felt nebulously impossible to imagine - a future was never an option, not for me. I seemed, by default, destined to waste away in my bedroom forever. I could be someone now, I was sure of it, but my fate was still far too blurry from here to make any sense of it.

I should probably finish high school.

Ugh. Why was it so fucking hard to find motivation to do anything with my life?! Whenever I thought of a logical thing to do to improve myself, the idea filled me with severe, irrational dread. God, I hated myself.

My phone buzzed with a text message. While I had recently acquired the contacts of Julia and Nikolas for the sake of offering awkward apologies, there was really only one person it could be: Sean fucking Murphy.

I rolled over and snatched the offending device from my desk. We had been texting a lot over the past couple of weeks. It was... nice. The conversations certainly had a different tone than the shitposts and insults thrown between my internet acquaintances - instead, it was almost comfortable.

Still kinda awkward, though.

Currently, he was asking if I wanted to 'hang out' again, sometime. There was definitely something seriously wrong with him, because I couldn't fathom why anyone would genuinely want to spend time with me.

Nevertheless, I responded with alacrity. Anything beat wasting away in here, doing nothing except fruitlessly angst over how bad I was at fulfilling the basic requirements of living, over and over again.

He suggested a fairly large park - I looked up directions and it was a twenty minute drive away. Not good: I certainly didn't want to ask my mother to drive me, and there was no way I was gonna walk there or take a bus. There was only one option.

I asked him to give me a ride.

***

Since it was reasonably warm - and unreasonably sunny - for an early autumn day, I wore a dress today.

It was lightweight, pale blue, and highly conducive to spinning. A fact I certainly indulged in after putting it on. It was fun.

As was becoming increasingly routine as my excursions to the outdoors grew more and more frequent, I was confronted once again by the sheer luminosity of unfiltered sunlight. It made the meek glow of my computer monitor look paltry by comparison.

Once my eyes adjusted after a period of aggressive blinking, along with the help of a hand across my brow for shade, I spotted Sean's car parked next to the curb. It looked exactly like the picture he sent, so it wasn't that hard to spot. I waved in the direction of the vehicle, and tried to walk faster - I always felt so exposed whenever I went outside, especially when it was so bright.

I swung open the car door as soon as I reached it.

"Hello, Sean."

I had practiced my voice a lot more over the past month; the word 'resonance' was drilled into my head and now played on repeat every time I spoke. Hell on Earth, truly.

"Hey. How's it going?"

"Fine," I replied. I sat down on the passenger seat then swung my legs across with unparalleled technique. I didn't even practice. Well, not that much. "It's really bright today, huh?"

"Yeah. I figured, well, since it's such a nice day I really should do something with it, y'know?"

Nice day? Ha - maybe to some people. "I guess."

He looked nice today, nicer than usual. Was he intentionally wearing a shirt that was a size too small? Suspicious. Did he comb his hair? I probably should've brushed mine - I did last night, but I forgot to do it this morning. I nervously raked my fingers through my hair, trying to make it look a little more presentable.

It was necessary to look good. Obviously.

We made small talk throughout the drive, and we arrived at the park before I knew it. The leaves, already, were beginning to turn shades of red and orange and yellow, falling off their trees to pepper the ground in colour.

Immediately after he parked, I hopped out of the car long before he had the chance to make the long way around. I was faced once again with the full brunt of the sun's light, with complementary rapid-fire blinks - maybe I should get sunglasses? I never liked the way they looked on me, but maybe now that I was becoming a girl...

On the ground, beside the dirt paths trailing through the park, laid heaps of horse chestnut conkers - armoured in green, spiky husks that looked like they'd be painful if thrown at you. Up on the branches above - horse chestnut trees, one could logically infer - more of them hung as-yet-unfallen.

I reached for a low-hanging branch, and pulled the fruit off, careful not to prick my fingers - it gave with little effort.

"What are you doing?" asked Sean, walking up behind me.

"I dunno," I shrugged, casting my gaze around the park until it landed on a murder of crows - their beaks pecking at the grass for nuts or insects or whatever it is that they eat.

"What exactly does one do at a park, anyway?" I ask him, nonchalantly chucking the conker at the flock. It didn't hit any of them, but they scattered quickly.

I wasn't looking, but I could tell he did the fucking head thing again, "Well, I'm pretty sure they don't throw spike-balls at birds. Isn't that kinda mean?"

"Just a lot of energy. Need to... get it out," I shrugged again. By 'energy', I meant anger. Good job, Eris: still haven't figured out a way to remedy your worst character trait? You're incorrigible.

My mind flashed back to various times I let that anger get the better of me. God damn it, I didn't want to be like that!

"Well, hopefully a nice, long walk can burn off some of that energy, yeah?" he remarked, and started down the trail. I gazed up at the sky, and winced at the brightness of the sun. I really ought to get used to going outside. Ugh.

I sighed, then ran up to fall into step beside Sean.

***

"So, anyway, I'm just saying that the suffix is a really stupid misnomer, but the names are so entrenched that they're never gonna change them. Dinosaurs aren't lizards, pterosaurs aren't lizards, mosasaurs are lizards, actually - they got that one right, but..."

I trailed off, finally realizing that I was rambling; Sean had been staring at me for who knows how long. I couldn't read his expression at all. What was he thinking?

We had wandered around the park for a while, looking at the 'nature' - read: boring, cultivated city parkland - and talking about random things. Eventually, we had found a bench and I began to dominate the conversation with a billion things I felt like complaining about, like how people think all bees live in colonies and make honey despite the fact that the vast majority of bee species are solitary and have nothing to do with honey.

I started, "Sorry, I-"

"Oh, no, I was fine listening!" he shook his head emphatically, "I just didn't have anything to add."

I raised an eyebrow, "...But you were at least a little bored, right?"

"Nah, it was fun, really! I actually, um..." it was his turn to trail off, and he did the head thing again. I wasn't that annoyed by it, though. He was acting uncharacteristically awkward. Did I do something?

"Uh, well, that way you were talking about your interests. I think it's, y'know... cute."

What? Did he just-

I'd never been called cute before. Ever. Clearly, obviously, he was lying. What was he trying to do? I needed to do something, say something in response to that, but my brain had frozen and was not responding. "Thank you...?" I responded by default.

Wait a minute. Was he trying to- why would he try to hit on me? More credence to the chaser theory, really.

Well, if that's what he was doing, how should I respond? Flirt back to eventually precipitate his utter psychological annihilation? Okay.

"You're- You- I think-" I stumbled over the fact that I had no idea what to say. How do people flirt? I couldn't exactly say I had any practice had it. I eventually gave up on speaking, and instead focused on making extremely intense eye-contact - staring into his stupid, blue-green eyes.

Was it working?

"You alright, Eris?" he asked, chuckling softly.

"'m fine," I muttered, eyes averting. Was I slowly leaning forward, or was he the one closing in? An instant passed at a snail's pace when I looked back up at him, and then I did something I never had before.

I kissed Sean fucking Murphy.

It wasn't exactly perfect: I had never kissed anyone before, and I absolutely did it wrong. It ended after only a second, but I had something more important to consider: I had never kissed anyone before. My first fucking kiss was- was with-

"Eris?" Sean asked, with a weird look on his face.

"Yeah?" I asked, momentarily distracted from the inner spiraling.

"Uh... when's the last time you brushed your teeth?"

***

My mother was waiting when I got home, blocking the entrance to the safe confines of my bedroom. I scowled; I just wanted to be alone after that disaster of a date.

"How'd it go?" she asked.

"How'd what go?" I played dumb.

She shot me an unimpressed look - a very common sight from her, I had no idea why. (That was sarcasm. I did, in fact, have ideas why.)

"It was fine," I eventually relented.

"You don't sound fine to me; you know I'm always here to listen, right?"

"Uh, no you're not. You're at work between-" I cut myself off, realizing I was engaging in my bullshit again - deflecting any vulnerability with irrelevant pedantry. God, I even irritated myself with my habits.

I sighed, "No, you're... right."

She held her arms wide in offer of a hug. I hesitated; I did not need a hug. I wasn't a pathetic, simpering child who had to go crying to mommy. Still... I kinda wanted one, as much as it was something I wouldn't like to admit.

I gave in, letting myself be wrapped up in a hug. A brief period of rigidity, and then I relaxed - allowing myself to accept the physical display of emotion.

'It' - I was reluctant to call it a 'date', though it absolutely was one by any metric - honestly wasn't that bad. It's not like I was summarily rejected or anything, not that I would really care if that happened. No, things just became awkward and uncomfortable - as social situations often do for me - and the ride back was decidedly more silent than the one there.

Honestly, I was so stupid. Should've brought a breath mint, dumbass. Things were hopefully still salvageable, at least.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"
Urgh. I did not want to talk to my mother about going on a date with a guy. That would be utterly mortifying. Never.

"Er, no thanks. I need to... brush my teeth."

With that, I rushed into the bathroom. I did, in fact, possess a toothbrush. While the bristles were stiff from under-use, they loosened up with some water and harsh rubbing with my thumb. It looked like it was time for me to begin another self-maintenance routine that I had long been neglecting. Hopefully I could maintain the routine.

I wondered what having pearly white teeth would be like. Would Sean- ...nevermind.