The Priest Wants to Retire

〈 Chapter 36 〉 Misunderstanding

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”····So that’s how it happened.”

Explaining the complex sequence of events in a concise manner is something I can count on one hand as one of my few skills, and I might even say it’s the one I’m most confident in.

Back when our party was still just a promising group, writing mission reports was always my job.

Honestly, there was no one else who could do it properly.

The Hero’s writing began with “Today, I…” and always ended with “It was so much fun,” which was quite the curse.

Apis had decent writing skills, but learning the common language from fairy tale books made her descriptions a bit murky.

As for Dawna, her reports were filled with obscure and convoluted phrases that an average citizen couldn’t possibly understand, leading to a hilarious incident where one of her reports was treated as part of a forbidden book.

Thus, I decided to flex my old skills for the first time in a while, explaining everything that had happened to me in chronological order, making it as clear as possible, with a bit of humor, to Apis.

From the unexpected selection as the Saint’s Guardian Priest to her inexplicable fondness for me.

I even let her know about the strange habit the Saint developed of tattooing mysterious symbols on my body after I accidentally revived a dead priest.

And then came Apis’s reply.

”You expect me to believe that!?”

Yeah. Honestly, I had a feeling this would happen as I was telling the story.

◈◈◈

Choosing the nearby underground tavern as our conversation spot was a brilliant decision.

This place, bustling with adventurers eager to boast their grand tales, was lively even in broad daylight.

As long as we didn’t cause a big ruckus like smashing things or yelling, burying a conversation for two wouldn’t be too hard.

”You told me to speak plainly!”

BAM!

Apis kicked the table, causing quite a commotion.

”If you’re going to make things up, at least do it properly! What? The Saint’s Guardian Priest!? Reviving the dead!? Even a passerby goblin would laugh at that!”

”Apis… could you lower your voice a bit? People are watching…”

Right after Apis raised her voice and harshly confronted me, a strange murmur hit my ears, and it felt like all the gazes in the tavern were converging on us, like heavy pressure weighing down on me.

It’s true.

I regretted saying it out loud. Although I had incorporated a bit of humor into my tale, not a single lie had been told.

When the truth comes to light after a lie is revealed, one could at least manage to avoid the initial situation by confessing later. But what on earth can you do when the truth that you revealed is dismissed as a lie?

As this moment of deep contemplation spun in my head without any outcome…

Apis suddenly slammed her foot on the shattered table and opened her mouth.

”That monastery where you live? I took the kids and checked it out! My own eyes confirmed that your name isn’t on the list even once! And I also know you were strolling around town with some nun whose name you don’t even know! I know everything!”

”····What?”

In that moment, the universe seemed to dim.

It felt like my ears were getting information my brain couldn’t process.

My existing knowledge and the newly acquired information didn’t mesh, creating chaos.

”You’re saying my name isn’t on the list? No, more importantly, how does Apis know that…?”

As I struggled to voice my confusion, even that was cut off by Apis’s grip tightening on my shoulders.

”Hey! Speak! Say it! Are we! We’re only worth this much to you!? Is that all we amount to!?”

”Wait, wait! Apis!”

Apis shook me fiercely, and it was clear her rough strength held an intense emotion behind it.

Right then, the surroundings grew suddenly noisy.

”You flaunt about having a shiny job to everyone who knows, but secretly you were fooling around with another woman… not to mention being the Saint’s Guardian! If you’re going to lie, at least do it with style… what a low life…”

”Listening closely, it sounds like he has kids… tsk tsk. Poor kids…”

”Hmm… he seems decent looking though…”

Unbearable rumors began poking at the back of my head.

Apis, wrapped in thick fabric embedded with recognition-inhibiting magic, made it inevitable that people’s attention was drawn to me.

But even so, this was too much.

”What the hell!? A male prostitute!?”

”Apis!!!”

I hurriedly tried to cover her mouth, but my feeble strength was no match.

”Oh my! A male prostitute! A male prostitute! You must be crazy!”

”Ugh… that miserable jerk…”

”Where does he work? Are they hiring men?”

As the tavern’s diverse voices buzzed, it grew quiet like a movie theater at dawn, following Apis’s shout.

The customers gazing at us were like a group of aunties huddled around a sauna TV, wide-eyed, watching the drama unfold between Apis and me, making my skin prickle.

The tavern owner and the waiter pretended to focus on their tasks, but their bodies leaned toward us, clearly intrigued by our conversation.

Enemies everywhere.

”Apis! Let’s change tables first! Then we can talk!”

”No! I can’t wait any longer! This time, absolutely no lies! Tell me everything as it is! Until you do, I’m not moving an inch!”

”Apis!!!”

Apis gripped my arm tightly, and her hold felt as heavy as iron chains, causing my heart to race.

”From the beginning! You’ve always been like this! Always thinking of yourself! Do you have any idea how desperately he’s been searching for you since you left us without even a letter? Do you even care!?”

”Apis! I was wrong! I was completely wrong! So let’s just go outside! We can finish this outside!”

”Bad… bad asshole…”

Apis held onto my collar.

Finally, as her rough voice began cracking with emotion, the stares of the surrounding people turned heavy with disgust and enmity.

”Wow… a deadbeat dad running away with kids…”

”Trash.”

”A complete loser.”

It’s a misunderstanding, everyone.

I must have really picked the wrong location.

What kind of day is this?

Out of nowhere, the nun collapses, I’ve got a torn outfit helping someone in need, and I run into an old comrade I’d rather avoid, getting labeled as a male prostitute.

To top it off, I’m treated like the scumbag husband responsible for destroying a family.

This is just too much. I might as well drink…

Huh? Drink?

At that moment, an ingenious idea struck me like lightning to break this chaotic situation.

”Waiter! Excuse me, does this place serve wine from the monastery?”

”Huh? Ah! Yes! Would you like to order?”

”Hey! Don’t change the subject!”

I quickly raised my hand to call the waiter and began to confirm a crucial aspect of my plan.

If this place serves the wine from our monastery, known as ‘Virgin Wine,’ then it’s likely they have ‘that’ which they would stock as it’s a must-have for places that supply this wine.

”Excuse me, owner! I’m sorry, but could I borrow the ‘Crest of Purity’?”

The Crest of Purity, a magical artifact crafted by skilled mages from a unicorn’s horn, created to prove human purity.

But only priests like me dare to call it by its formal name. Most citizens of the system, known for being rough, have their own catchy nickname for it.

”Uh… why do you need the purity detector all of a sudden…?”

Because I need it now.

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