The Priest Wants to Retire

〈 Episode 8 〉 The Escape

*

Someone once said.

Crying when it’s tough is for third-rate people, enduring it is second-rate, and eating is where the real meat lies.

Is there a more fitting expression for mankind’s longing for animal protein?

That overwhelming satisfaction that can never be replaced by vegetables or fruits has supported human life as a whole, and moreover, presented us with a blueprint for a richer life.

To cut meat, humans wielded sharp tools; to cook meat, they invented fire; and to regularly supply delicious meat, they began to raise livestock.

Indeed, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that humanity’s evolution began in front of a meat grill.

”Thank you for waiting. Here is your Minos tenderloin steak and Valdinsan red wine. I hope you enjoy your meal.”

With a casual nod and a tip, I expressed my gratitude to the waiter.

After all, it had been half a year since I faced such a lavish spread, so it was only proper for the guest to maintain some decorum.

Fssss. Sizzle.

The oil splattering over the meat was like a colorful fireworks display, and the occasional sound of meat cooking felt like an orchestra serenading my senses, moistening my eyes with a transparent drop of dew.

The days spent filling my belly with bland potatoes, smelly bacon, and pitiful stew filled with nothing but grass… all of it must have been a seasoning for the emotion I felt at this very moment.

Looking back someday, the absurd logic that governs thoughts could be nothing but the barking of dogs, yet the primal allure of thick meat was tremendously overwhelming.

My nose twitched, and both hands holding the utensils trembled as if they were gripping heavy dumbbells. I don’t think my heart ever stirred like this even when I faced a mountain-sized dragon in a desolate celestial wonder. Oh, right, I fainted then.

Releasing the nameless thoughts weighing on my chest with an exhale, I carefully slid a generously cut piece of meat into my mouth.

The revelation of the fragrant, charred exterior with the juicy, bouncy texture unfolding was pure culinary violence.

Every bite flooded my mouth with heavy juices that no rich red wine could wash away, and while it traveled down my throat and esophagus, the presence of meat, retaining its coarse wildness, made me suppress a frivolous gasp.

”I’m glad to be alive…”

It was a statement born not from my mouth but from my soul.

In my previous life, I often wondered why extreme vegetarians always seemed so furious, and now it was clear: how could they not be angry when they couldn’t enjoy this deliciousness?

So, savoring this newfound truth of the world as a side dish, I prepared to cut another piece of meat to eat.

KWAANG!

The sudden ferocious pangongseong dropped from the sky and paralyzed my self-awareness, which had been peacefully enjoying the ambiance of the restaurant.

”I sent dozens of emergency flying insects to call you, and hearing nothing, I was wondering where you were and what you were doing…”

Gulp.

The familiar voice that followed, tinged with irritability, abruptly tightened the already tense atmosphere.

”How was it? Enjoying your long-awaited vacation? Of course, you were having fun. You were so engrossed that my emergency message completely went unheard.”

Clack clack.

As the mechanical sound of footsteps gradually increased in volume, the moment they reached my back, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

CRACK!

With a fork poised above the piece of meat on my table, she intoned in a voice so chilling it could send shivers down anyone’s spine.

”Answer me.”

”Uh, could you put the fork down and talk to me…? Sister…?”

◈◈◈

I felt a sliver of unease; a tiny pang of conscience pricked at me.

I was fully aware that reading the urgent call from the Sister and then leisurely indulging in food was a grievous fault on my part.

But after receiving a half-year vacation, how many would dare to reprimand me for not wanting to turn back when freedom dangled right before my eyes?

Even the most virtuous of saints, under the guise of an office worker, would naturally respond harshly if their granted vacation was snatched away again, leaving me to believe my decision to escape for this golden opportunity had some grounds for justification.

”If you can’t even speak…”

The cold and sharp words from the Sister were reminiscent of icicles hanging at the eaves, relentlessly poking at my conscience.

I thought there was no trust left between us, yet observing the noticeably cool demeanor of the Sister suggested our relationship might have been more amicable than I initially perceived.

Well, that was in the past.

”I am sorry. Please forgive me. I am truly reflecting on my actions. Just give me one more chance.”

”…”

See? Even my heartfelt apology received no response.

Jangle, my pitiful state seemed to mock me, and the metallic shape hanging around my neck swung around my throat like a noose.

Too massive to be called a necklace, it was a horrific object commonly referred to as a collar.

Aside from some certain individuals with rather peculiar tastes, who would willingly wear such iron adornment for any sum of money? To be forcibly punished to wear such an item while being shanghaied by it was quite unpleasant, but what could I do?

All of this was the disaster my behavior had summoned.

”I swear I won’t run away, so could you at least loosen this collar?”

”It’s not allowed.”

The Sister responded in a firm tone, akin to that of training a badly behaved dog, tightening her grip on the collar’s handle around my neck.

Murmur murmur.

The surrounding atmosphere grew noisy.

Watching the Sister stroll through the village with me—collared like a pet—would surely be quite the spectacle. If it were anyone else’s business, I’d likely have laughed at the tragicomedy from a distance, making a light snack of it to spice up my mundane life.

”But wait, what on earth is going on that I’m being called out of duty? Didn’t you have a backup twice as capable as me on standby? Honestly, if it’s a problem he can’t solve, I won’t be able to…”

”It’s precisely because of that ‘twice as capable backup’ that we have this debacle. If you have any time to spare for complaints, hurry up and get moving, Regis Guardian Priest.”

”…?”

◈◈◈

My mind blanked. I was lost for words.

These expressions I often saw and heard in various works—had I finally witnessed the archetype in person?

”Is he even alive?”

I pointed to a familiar man standing stiff, staring blankly at nothing on the white stone floor, demanding an explanation from the Sister.

It felt like observing a wax figure crafted by an artisan; perhaps it was a slightly eerie analogy, but I could almost believe he was a human artifact, having perfectly preserved the absence of the energy that should naturally emanate from a living being.

Robel Wright. Commonly known as Ranobel Priest.

Even though he had been the most talkative person until this morning, his sudden transformation into such a silent figure might be a blessing, yet depending on the circumstances that brought it about, I could end up picking up the tab for his consequences, so I couldn’t just be happy about it.

”According to the attending physician’s diagnosis, while both breathing and heartbeat have stopped, some metabolic processes and pupil reflexes are still functioning in this bizarre state. It seems the maid who discovered him first believed he had passed away from a heart attack.”

Ah, it makes sense now. That’s why some maids outside the chapel were lamenting loudly, crying over his death. He’d always been attentive to people dear to him, so there would undoubtedly be tears shed by guests mourning his departure.

”Could holy water or prayers work?”

”No effect even with the highest-grade holy water, and we also summoned the highest priests waiting at the chapel to attempt healing, but neither effort yielded results. In fact, we’re at a loss to even define the abnormal condition he’s currently in.”

I see. Then, we can pretty much conclude we’ve done what we could, so simply accept it as getting a new mannequin for free.

Just as I was about to say that, I caught sight of the Sister’s frown, visibly disturbed, and tactfully sealed my lips.

For the record, neither she nor I were especially worried about the future of this “living corpse.” Our main concern was the aftermath if he ended up as a lifeless body.

He was the son of a noble family known for contributing substantial donations to the Vatican annually and endowed with striking looks and exceptional talent, turning him into a figure of considerable reputation. If rumors spread of such a promising young man meeting an untimely demise in the middle of the capital, not to mention in a dungeon, the higher-ups at the Vatican, who would go crazy over money and fame, would undoubtedly raise hell.

Though the Sister and I held relatively high positions, we could secure a safe enough distance from their heinous rampage. However, those with lower ranks, performing less significant duties, were likely to receive unjust and unreasonable punishments.

If we were fortunate, it would merely entail warning penalties. However, given the scenario could escalate to religious trials, a tragedy where entire families could be dragged into prison for guilt by association wasn’t out of the question.

”Haa…”

It seemed the holy Sister, clad in her sacred garments, couldn’t bring herself to curse vocally; she merely mouthed in a hushed tone, releasing a deep sigh into the void.

‘I wasn’t supposed to assign that fool the job.’

I wasn’t particularly skilled in reading lips, but it was pretty easy to infer what she meant.

”I can’t believe it…”

A puff of air escaped my parched lips.

Given how things have escalated, there was only one way to handle this chaotic situation: I, the one who caused Ranobel priest to end up like a live doll, needed to negotiate directly with her, the source of all my troubles, to get him restored.

Unfortunately, sincerely regrettably, it would be a tragedy to put it lightly, but it seemed that I alone had the highest chance of successfully maneuvering through those negotiations, as her loyal Guardian Priest, even for an inexplicable reason, I had garnered significant favor with her.

”… Priest.”

”It’s okay… I won’t run away…”

Seeing me grimacing while splashing cold water over my face, perhaps she’d thought there was a chance I might flee. She called me with a tone full of concern.

However, contrary to the Sister’s fears, this time, I found myself devoid of even the thought of escape.

It wasn’t a sense of duty. It was more akin to guilt.

To look after my own skin while potentially sending several lives crashing into despair, it wasn’t in this incarnate human’s nature to be that cruel.

There are always people committing the disasters and others picking up the pieces; unless humanity decides to forsake its communal living, this cycle seems unbreakable. Today, once more, I felt a step closer to the truth of this world.

”But wait, what did that guy do to make even the usually aloof and indifferent Saintess explode like that? Did he shove a bell pepper into her mouth or something?”

”I don’t know. However, I heard that apparently, he boasted to a few close colleagues that starting today, he’d become the Saintess’s exclusive priest. My guess is he must have made similar claims in front of her…”

”What…”

This wasn’t some school council election for kids.

How much time passed like this?

I reached the undeniable conclusion that I couldn’t prolong our idle discussions any longer, and my heavy body lifted against gravity to leave that spot.

Thud, thud.

My weary steps, reminiscent of an office worker on a Monday morning, led me to the sanctuary where that problematic individual was hidden.

The Saintess’s Meeting Room.

*