The Privateer

"Eighth Hsst Kithin," First Hsst Venry Slasang growled into the comm. "Do not kill the pixen. Place her in a medpod, then escort her to the bridge."

"Yes, First Hsst," The Eighth Hsst answered.

"Are Calthin and Heera alive?" Slasang asked.

"No, First Hsst." A hint of a growl snuck into Kithin's voice. Yvian guessed he was angry. Or mourning. Or both. "The medpods would not activate. Whatever was interfering with our computers caused them to malfunction."

"The work of the humans," Slasang informed him. He glowered at his console. His display showed Tenril Station, and the human frigate docked there. "I doubt Calthin and Heera are the only crew they've taken from us." He shot Captain Mims a glare, then said, "A reckoning will be taken. Proceed with your orders for now."

"Yes, First Hsst."

Yvian noticed Kilroy's eyes were still red. The Peacekeeper unit shifted it's gaze between her, Mims, and Scarrend, then back to Yvian. "Are you alright?" she asked him.

"Negative," said the Peacekeeper. "This unit's suit has been ruined." Only now did Yvian notice the sorry state of the machine's outfit. The bottom half of his white shirt and black jacket had been burned or blasted away, most likely from aiming and firing torpedoes with his bare hands. What was left of them were missing most of their buttons and tattered in several places. Kilroy's slacks hadn't fared much better. Silvery metal peeked through the tears in the fabric, and the way the once fine tuxedo hung off his motionless body made him even more disturbingly inpixen than normal.

"More importantly," There was murder in Kilroy's voice. "Where is this unit's hat?"

"Oh." Yvian ran a hand over the back of her neck. "Uh, sorry Kilroy. I think we lost it when Scarrend was using you as a club."

The Peacekeeper turned slowly to regard the Vrrl. The red light in his eyes blazed brighter. "You used this unit's chassis as a weapon?"

Yvian had rarely seen Kilroy as angry as he was now. Every time she had, someone had died. Usually a lot of someones. Either Scarrend was even braver than she'd thought, or he had no idea how much danger he was in. He replied with admirable calm. "I did."

"And how many meatbags did you kill with this unit's chassis?" Kilroy inquired.

"Three for certain," Scarrend told him. "One more that probably died, and four that might have survived if they received treatment in time."

Kilroy regarded Scarrend for a few seconds longer. Unnecessary, as Peacekeeper units could think and make decisions at the speed of a ship's computer, but the units tended to slow down their interactions when dealing with organics. Finally, he said, "Acceptable." The light in his eyes cut out, leaving silver orbs behind his white mask.

Ten minutes later, the Federation frigate undocked from Tenril Station. Yvian tensed as the human ship starting moving towards the Sharpclaw, but it circled around the station and to a stop halfway around the other side.

"Anti-tech field has been deactivated," Kilroy reported. "Escort ships have made contact with this unit."

The frigate activated it's jumpdrive. Five ships of the Pixen Stellar Defense Force began undocking procedures. They would not be able to reach the human ship in time. Wouldn't be able shoot it either, unless they decided to shoot through the station.

"Permission to fire MAC rounds through Tenril Station?" Kilroy asked.

Yvian started to look at Mims, then remembered he wasn't allowed to speak. "No," she told the Peacekeeper. "Let them go."

"Affirmative." Kilroy acknowledged. "Escort ships en route to our position. The Space Lord is dispatching a gladiator to this ship. It will arrive in eight minutes, twenty three seconds."

"What about the Encounter?" Yvian asked.

"Contact has not been reestablished with the Peacekeeper units aboard the Random Encounter." Kilroy's eyes flashed red for a moment. "Peacekeeper unit 757545118 is en route to investigate and retrieve the ship."

Five minutes later, an armored Vrrl escorted Lissa onto the bridge. She took in Kilroy's tattered suit. "What happened?"

"We'll fill you in later," Yvian told her. "Our ride's here in two minutes. We're going to meet them at the airlock."

"Is everyone alright?"

"We're fine," Yvian assured her. She turned to First Hsst Slasang. "Do you guys want to come with us?"

Slasang shook his head. "No. We will wait for the Bloodclaw. Then we will go to Tenril Station in force to find the rest of my crew."

"Ok." She hesitated. She'd seen the Vrrl raise their shirts to show respect. Showing their bellies, they called it. Only problem was she was wearing her fancy Homestar Dress. Lifting it high enough to show her abs would seemed... inappropriate. Yvian compromised, tucking her hands behind her head and pushing her stomach out at the First Hsst. "Thank you. All of you. You saved our lives."

Slasang regarded her for a moment, then gave a pleased grunt. "You want to thank me, pixen? Get this filthy human off my ship."

Mims said nothing. Lissa looked him askance.

"The First Hsst said he's not allowed to talk," Yvian explained.

Lissa's eyebrows rose. "And he agreed to that?"

"Of course he did," said Scarrend. "The Scargiver understands respect." He turned to the First Hsst, raising his vest to show his stomach. "You and yours have done a great service to the Empire. It will not go unremembered."

"We did our duty and nothing more," Slasang folded his lower arms across his chest. "There is no need to remember."

"I disagree," Scarrend let his vest drop back down. "The actions of yourself and your crew have been exemplary. The fact that you consider it to be nothing is proof of why the Vrrl stand at the apex."

"You didn't just save us," Lissa added. "You saved the Technocracy. If your crew hadn't helped us get to your ship..."

"We did our duty and nothing more," First Hsst repeated. He glanced down at his console. "Your vessel is almost at the airlock. Take your human and go."

As they turned to leave, the female Vrrl called out, "Scarrend Scathach."

Scarrend turned back around.

"I am Satha Skithith," the woman introduced herself. "Third Hsst of the Sharpclaw." She removed her helmet, revealing tan fur and a red mane and three brilliant yellow eyes. "My mating cycle begins in twenty three days."

Scarrend blinked. He stared at the woman, then blinked much more slowly at her. "Satha Skithith. We are well met. I would be honored to provide genetic material." He looked at Mims. "But I do not know if my duties..."

"He'll be honored to provide genetic material," Lissa spoke. "We'll release him from duty when the time comes." She prodded Mims with her elbow. "Right, Mark?"

The human rolled his eyes at his girlfriend. He gave Scarrend a sharp nod.

"Very well." Scarrend strode to the woman and took her hand, rubbing it against his cheek. "I will contact you in a few days."

"See that you do," Satha made a pleased noise and turned back to her console.

A brisk walk brought them to the airlock. It was open. A Peacekeeper unit was waiting for them. "Greetings, meatbags and Peacekeeper unit Kilroy. This unit is designated unit 426999493. Welcome aboard the Hentai."

Mims gave Kilroy a look, but said nothing. Only when they'd left the Sharpclaw did he ask, "Kilroy, did you really give every single ship an annoying name?"

"Negative." the Peacekeeper's eyes flashed yellow. "Ten point seven percent of all ships received names you would approve of. Examples include the Razor's Edge and the Unforgiven."

"Why ten percent?" Yvian asked.

"Ten point seven percent," Kilroy corrected. "A small percentage of conventional names will cause the human to experience a small ray of hope each time a new ship is introduced. This in turn will create additional anxiety as he expects, and then discovers, the statistically more likely scenario." Both he and unit 426999493 flashed yellow lights in a strobing pattern, the equivalent of a Peacekeeper belly laugh.

"You're an asshole," Mims grumped.

"All units agreed," Kilroy assured him, "it is an excellent prank."

"You're all assholes."

"Wouldn't you all agree anyway?" Scarrend inquired. "I was under the impression that all Peacekeeper units were the same person."

"Irrelevant," said Kilroy. "All units agreed."

"Affirmative," said unit 426999493. "The opinion of forty three million, six hundred eighteen thousand, four hundred and thirty nine Peacekeeper units is greater than the opinion of a handful of meatbags."

"That's basically just one person voting forty million times," Lissa pointed out.

"Irrelevant," unit 426999493 asserted. Then his eyes flashed red. "Alert."

Kilroy gave off a crimson glow as well. "Peacekeeper unit 757545118 is reporting from the Random Encounter. All units that were guarding the ship have been destroyed. The nav console has been removed."

Mims swore.

"Crunch," Yvian echoed. "Maybe we should have shot down that frigate."

"Wouldn't have helped," said the human. "They probably transmitted New Pixa's Gate coordinates the second they dropped the field."

"Alert," said Kilroy.

"Enemy ships entering New Pixa Sector," the other unit reported. "All three Gates."

"Numbers?" asked Mims.

"Three million six hundred thousand and rising," said Kilroy.

"I'll contact the Warmaster," Scarrend decided. "We'll have fleets coming to your aid within the hour."

"I appreciate it," Captain Mims removed his wrist console. "Put your consoles down here. I don't want anyone listening once we get to the bridge."

Yvian and Lissa did as he said. Scarrend pulled an electronic scroll out of his vest and dropped it. The Peacekeepers didn't have consoles, relying on their own means of secure communication. At the Captain's insistence, they walked the rest of the way to the bridge in silence.

"Kilroy, can you have unit 757545118 dock the Encounter on the Space Lord?" The bridge of the Hentai wasn't modified like the Random Encounter. There was no holodisplay, and only three modular consoles were available. Mims sat at the console on the left.

"Affirmative."

"Thank you." Mims turned to the other Peacekeeper. "Unit 426999493, will you accept an alternate designation?"

"Affirmative," said the unit. "This unit is now designated as Mecha."

"Better than Tsundere, I guess," the human muttered. "Take us to the Space Lord, Mecha."

"Affirmative."

"Should I not be contacting the Warmaster?" Scarrend asked.

"Not yet." The Captain ordered. "Kilroy, is Operation Paranoid ready?"

"Affirmative." The Peacekeeper's eyes were still red. "Admiral Zhukov is choosing the most efficient moment."

The human nodded. "We'll leave him to it, then."

Scarrend ran two hands through the bottom of his mane. "You've set a trap." His eyes narrowed. "You knew this would happen."

"If I did, we never would have come here." The Captain sighed.

"We've been so careful," said Lissa. "The only people with coordinates to New Pixa were us, the Peacekeepers, and the Xill."

"And the Xill only know because they gave us the planet," added Yvian.

"Yes, yes, it's a terrible blow," the Vrrl sounded impatient. "Tell me about the trap."

"There's not much to it." The human shrugged. "I had Yvian set the Skygem behind the monument at the South Gate. Her anti-tech field's active. Stretching a little under four thousand kilometers. The other two Gates are close enough to New Pixa that City 43's field will cover them both. When Zhukov gives the order, the City will turn it on and every ship in range will lose sensors, targeting, and comms."

"Our ships are positioned to mostly be outside of the fields," Lissa threw in. "Ready to wipe out the enemy from range with MAC weapons and beam fire." She grimaced. "I kind of thought we were just being paranoid."

"We were just being paranoid," Mims told her. "Paranoid's just another word for smart."

Scarrend grunted. "So what now? I assume we won't be joining the fight."

"No." The human let out a breath. "Damn it. I hate being left out."

"I guess we should finish what we were doing." Yvian felt herself tense at the idea. "Meet with the Oluken and pick up my... and pick up Yasme."

"Screw that," said Mims. "We're not stepping foot on an Oluken station again after this."

"So what, then?" Lissa folded her arms. "We just sit here?"

Yvian didn't like that idea either. At the very least, she'd like to get out of Oluken space. The motherless sons would turn them over to the Federation the moment they realized she'd been bluffing. And damn the humans, anyway. They could never have pulled a stunt like this if they hadn't had that Lucendian weapon...

"Wait." The Lucendian weapon. There was only one place they could have acquired such a thing. Only one place where they could get more. "Scarrend. Did you say you could get a fleet together within the hour?"

"Yes." The Vrrl's back straightened with pride. "We've outfitted most of our capital ships with jumpdrives." He clasped his hands behind his back, thoughtful. "Rigging the ships to work in an anti-tech field will take longer, but we do not rely on computers as much as the softpaws." His lips peeled back in a feral smile. "Perhaps we can join the fight after all."

"Maybe." Yvian's smile was almost as feral. This could work. This was something they wouldn't expect. "But I think I have a better idea."