ALL NOVEL Confession
It's been one year... I think it has. Since the story has existed...
Sigh... What am I even doing? I don't really know, what I am even saying might even be irrelevant. I don't know anymore. It's like - an empty bastion - meaning to protect something, or make a testament to something, but alas... It never really happened did it? I don't really know what to say, I've been pondering about it for a few days. The novel suffers from constant hiatuses and there is no good excuse for it.
I suppose I should introduce myself first... Not as the self-loathing author, not as the sarcastic one or the one that tries to be funny... I am...
I am the cover artist and initial editor of this project originally called "Zeileheim project". A silly novel made by some friends that was meant to go nowhere. A pipe dream if you will. Injected with dumb character designs and dumb ideas. Just a lovely project made by some people that wanted to have some fun. It was undoubtedly cringy when it first existed.
The project consisted of two people, me, and... Azrie... Yeah, it's getting weird. And there were some other collaborators that woulda dd ideas to the pile. Because why not? It was a thing for fun. I don't really know what to say at this moment, but I guess I'll keep explaining. Perhaps I can reach some conclusion by the end of the story. So let us start, the story has started and the two chapters were written. It's going to be a bit simplistic and ambiguous because honestly, I don't feel like dealing with the detailed story right now... Perhaps one day I'll tell it, perhaps I never will.
The story has started.
Fast forward a bit, and we come up with the idea that we should post it. Well, I did. Azrie, well... She wanted nothing to do with the posting- also was the main writer, but she was okay with it. I was more of an editor/plotline person we can tell I didn't do a good job at it. So anyway, in an attempt to not steal the credit I basically became "Azrie", simply for posting and interactions - I was still the editor. But I wasn't going to claim something under my own penn-name. It wasn't meant to be that...
Fast forward a bit more, and it's chapter 18. I forgot the point of the story, but as we can see it's pretty early on. The story has been doing pretty well, and is hitting trending and stuff. I personally feel overjoyed that people seem to be liking the little project of ours, and at the same time was kind of in a mental turmoil - so there were a few missteps in terms of author notes and random apologies... Sorry about that one.
That day... I forgot the date already - pretty ironic considering I still remember the first page of the novel came to existence in May 13th 2019... Anyway. I received a message.
A simple line. "I am done". That was it. That was the entirety of the message. I was confused but never really got an answer, aside from knowing from friends that she was going to entirely focus on college.
I guess it was time to say goodbye to this passion project... Something that I had gotten myself invested into, something that other people wanted to see. All gone, the main writer was gone, and the editor was left. Someone that has never written before, with a barely basic understanding of English. I knew it shouldn't have been posted... It was... the end... Or was it really the end? I felt attached, particularly to this tsundere dragon. A character that came out of nowhere simply because I said - "Wouldn't it be funny to genderbend a dragon for no particular reason?"
Honestly, it kind of felt like killing the characters off by dropping it. And so... I took over- I guess you could say. I became Azrie. New author and editor. Having next to zero experience writing I started by trying to mimic what was previously written. Absolutely no idea what I was doing. But it slowly started to become something.
We all know how far that has gotten. Already at chapter 70+. But now I am stuck, afraid of continuing the story in a sense. Because well... I have no idea what the story was initially going to be. It basically became my very own story, it's my story now. I get to do whatever I want with the characters, right? Yes that's pretty correct, but I still feel awkward thinking of the other possible routes to where the story could've gone.
Doing research on blacksmithing and getting it wrong was fun. I have no idea what was planned in the original outline. As in - events that could or should happen. I was simply someone that made sure the pacing was alright, rather than the plot itself. It was initially a project made for fun, nothing more, nothing else... Just that - something for fun.
And now I am here. Making a confession, not as Azrie, but myself. It feels as if I was lying to absolutely everyone - including myself. By continuing to use this account, and keep making excuses of why nothing was being posted. Truth be told, I just don't want to mess up, often questioning what were the original intentions. What did Azrie originally want? Unfortunately, I might never know, no longer in contact and I have no interest in what she is doing either. I am no saint, and I would be lying if I said I didn't feel abandoned.
Just constant struggle with the plotline and what things need or not to happen. Sorry...
For lying, and for making such a sorry case for myself. After all, I could've said absolutely nothing, and simply continued to post as normal. But I felt it necessary to continue and move on. Not as Azrie but as myself. So please, take care of me moving forward. I will request a name change from Tony hopefully soon. Thank you all for reading...
And I do hope we can continue to have fun with the story - sorry for being such a phony... It... I am ashamed of it, continuously lying to myself and to others to simply justify my ineptitude.
It won't happen again, it's a promise. Perhaps things might remain inconsistent, but at least I will remain truthful. I feel truly ashamed of what has happened. Success built on a throne of lies is nothing but a joke, therefore let's rebuild said throne on truths and laughter instead. I would stab myself if I could... - Alice.
I hope I can forgive myself...