The Snow Queen

“It’s me.”

A brief silence followed. But I knew. His emotions were wavering uncontrollably on the other end of the line. The suffocating sensation coursed through my entire body.

“…Ray.”

“Yes.”

I spoke. I told him I loved him. That my rejection back then wasn’t my true feelings. I apologized. I stammered, confessing that if he still had feelings for me, I wanted to start again.

“I don’t need jewels or clothes. The only thing I want is you. You, Four Messara. I want to know your heart.”

And then, the answer came immediately.

You’ve taken everything from me. My salty tears, my sturdy bones, the blood flowing hotly through my veins, my pulsing heart, the heat of my skin, the hair swaying in the wind, my shining eyes, my sharp teeth, my tongue forming words, the feet standing on the red earth, my gestures and actions, every cell in my body, every piece of my heart, and even my soul—everything belongs to you.

His voice was firm. That confession, spilling out as if he had been waiting, was almost like a sob. No, it was a sob.

“Wait for me. I’m coming right now. Where are you?”

Messara said. After I told him the location, I hung up and left the phone booth. The call lasted eight minutes.

In just eight minutes…

Feeling something strange, I looked up at the sky. The pale sun faintly brightened the gray sky. Snow fell softly onto the worn-out alley where I stood, the wind howling through the dark streets of late afternoon. Snapping out of my daze, I started walking.

Just eight minutes.

I repeated it in a daze once more.

I leaned against a lamppost in front of the café where I was to meet Messara. The sharp, biting snow swirled wildly. Signs hanging on the iron bars shivered in the cold. Time seemed to pass sluggishly, and yet, it didn’t feel real. Soon, I would meet him. I would meet Four Messara, the man I loved.

Suddenly, I raised my head. A faint red light flickered at the end of the road where the snowflakes collided and crumbled. Though faint, I knew. I knew. Forgetting the blinding snowstorm, I held my breath and stared at the growing light.

It’s him…

Four Messara was coming, running toward Ray Arisa.

The car stopped in the distance. The door flung open, and a tall man jumped out. He opened his arms wide toward me. I ran to him. He embraced me. I embraced him. It all happened in an instant. It didn’t even take eight seconds.

But in that moment, I felt the cruel ticking of time that had brutally trampled my body for so long disappear, shattered into pieces. There were no tears, no kisses. Only a hug. We held each other tightly for a long time, unmoving. It was an intense embrace, as if to drive away death itself. In that frozen moment, only silence escaped our pale lips.

Only after a long time did I release my hold on his back. I looked at his face. It was a mess, and he reeked of alcohol. But he was no illusion, no hallucination. He was real, warm, with a heartbeat—alive, Four Messara.

Smiling, I touched his cold cheek.

“It’s cold. Let’s go somewhere else.”

꙳•❅*ִ

That day, white snowflakes swirled madly in the gray sky. Like an old, scowling private detective who’s constantly resolving to change jobs while downing vodka, I was buried in my office once again, drinking heavily. Then suddenly, a phone call came.

It was Ray. A miracle. No, it was a clear miracle.

Ray, who had once flown away, came back. He whispered that he loved me. He said that his rejection back then wasn’t his true feelings. He apologized. He told me that if I still had feelings for him, he wanted to start anew.

Every word he spoke, piling up like snow, brought my torn emotions back together. Warmth spread throughout my body in an instant. Breath and life returned to my once-numb body.

I sprang out of the office and rushed straight to 42nd Street. In the midst of the scattering snowflakes, there stood Ray. The moment he came into view, the entire street was enveloped in a mist-like stillness. Everything stopped. The brutal and violent despair that had weighed on me until then vanished, like a magician retreating behind a red curtain.

He ran toward me with all his might, leaping into my arms. I embraced him. He embraced me.

And now, he sleeps beside me.

I no longer have to secretly watch him through the car window. The cold, desolate nights I once spent alone are far behind me.

Time, once dry and lifeless, flowed like grains of sand on the shore. The once-silent music began to play again with the sound of flutes and drums. Fireworks trailed up beyond the horizon.

Now we are together.

“I don’t need jewels or clothes. The only thing I want is you.”

Ray said.

“You. Four Messara. I love you.”

“I love you…”

That night, an overwhelming fatigue overtook me. It felt like the exhaustion that comes after a fierce battle. For the first time in a long while, I slept deeply, almost losing consciousness. An invisible hand grabbed my mind and pulled me into a deep, deep place, like a swamp. In my dreams, I traveled for an unimaginably long time. There was nothing along the way. Only darkness. At some point, a heavy sky appeared. And before me stretched an endless wasteland.

It was early evening, as cold as the deep waters of the sea. The wasteland was silent, like a frozen winter path. Suddenly, something caught my eye. A withered Whitebirch. Under its bare branches, swaying dangerously in the wind, was a black shadow. It was a corpse. Hanging from the Whitebirch with a rope, swinging in the harsh wind. Why? Why did it hang itself on the Whitebirch?

A familiar sensation wrapped around me. It was like the loneliness of a traveler wandering aimlessly, having forgotten their bag, their money, and even their destination.

An aimless traveler… That’s not wrong.

I laughed. I looked again at the Whitebirch, which had swallowed the corpse into the darkness.

If that corpse were hanging from a willow tree, I might think it was because of the guilt from selling someone for thirty pieces of silver. But that’s a Whitebirch, isn’t it? Did they kill their wife in a fit of senseless greed?

I whispered the name of the one I loved. There was no answer. Only the barren silence returned. I knew. No matter how much I called, no matter how much I shouted until my voice was hoarse, there was no one left to answer to that name. That person had disappeared. They died long ago.

It ended for us 31 years ago. The enchanting first love had rotted away, leaving behind only a foul odor before disappearing. Thirty-one years ago, on the night of the festival, the moon that had shone so brightly in blessing now looked down on me silently with its pale, sickly face. And I had turned into a thin skeleton, draped in a crown and a blue mantle. I would never see that person again. All I had left were the long years to reflect on them until my dying day and an old portrait.

I looked around. The wailing wind swept over the desolate wasteland. On the blood-red, merciless land, not even a weed had sprouted. Only a few bare Whitebirch trees remained.

I muttered to myself.

“This place will do.”

At some point, my cheek started to itch. Even in my sleep, I thought, “What is this…?” and then suddenly woke up. I hurriedly sat up. Ray was smiling, pulling his hand back.

In a daze, I looked at Ray. It still didn’t feel real.

That moment came rushing back to me. It was similar to the time I brought a delirious Ray home. That day, I had also fallen into a deep sleep, and at some point, I was startled awake by a tickling on my cheek. Just like now, Ray had smiled and brushed his hand aside.

Is this really reality? Am I dreaming of that day because I miss Ray so much? The passionate hug we shared yesterday on the snow-covered street—could it be an illusion crafted by alcohol?

“I…”

I spoke impulsively.

“Who do I look like?”

“Excuse me?”

Ray blinked in confusion. He seemed caught off guard, and the bewilderment was clear in his blue eyes. I couldn’t shake off the tension and stared intently at Ray. I was afraid of what he might say. A king? Or was it another man this time?

Then Ray smiled.

“Who do you think I look like? I look like Four Messara, don’t I?”

His tone was calm yet resolute.

“Ah.”

I exhaled reflexively. Finally, a sense of relief washed over me. It wasn’t a fleeting fantasy. It wasn’t a dream that left behind only a hollow aftertaste.

It was real.

“I’m sorry. I still can’t believe it, so I ended up asking a foolish question.”

“It’s okay. You seemed to be having a nightmare, so I woke you up.”

“A nightmare?”

I tilted my head. I was sure I had dreamt, but I couldn’t remember clearly. I vaguely recalled a feeling of exhaustion and weariness as I wandered somewhere.

“You were writhing and groaning. You were sweating a lot.”

“I see. I must have been pressed down because I wasn’t feeling well.”

“But what did you mean by that earlier question? Who do you think you are…? Were you worried that I might confuse you with someone else?”

Ray hesitated for a moment and asked. I forced a bitter smile.

“You didn’t recognize me before. You might not remember, but we spent a week together once. During that time, you didn’t recognize me at all. Every time I asked who I was, you just said I was a man.”

Ray had a look of speechlessness. I suddenly realized my mistake. From his perspective, it must have been shocking to hear that he had been unable to recognize someone due to mental instability.

“I made a mistake. I said something unnecessary to you.”

“No, it’s not that.”

Ray shook his head.

“That happened, huh? I promise. From now on, I won’t fail to recognize you or confuse you with someone else.”

His tone was calm yet resolute again. I felt an odd awkwardness and turned my head, surprised to see the wall clock pointing to four in the afternoon.

“Oh dear, I slept too long. Aren’t you hungry?”

As soon as I asked the same question as before, Ray laughed. It was the same as back then. A thirst surged within me. Even knowing it wasn’t a dream, I impulsively said again.

“Ray.”

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

The reply came without hesitation.

“I love you too.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes.”

Ray looked directly into my eyes.

“Ray Arisa loves Four Messara.”

“Please say it again.”

“Ray Arisa loves Four Messara.”

I asked several times. Each time, Ray answered.

Ray Arisa loves Four Messara.

An indescribable emotion seized me. Underneath the fireworks illuminating the night sky, just like the time we danced together, time, space, everything vanished. It felt like only Ray and I existed in this world. I once again clearly realized that I was captivated by Ray. The soul of Four Messara belongs to Ray Arisa.

I held onto Ray’s hand tightly. And once again, passionately confessed, just like yesterday.

Ray. Everything about me belongs to you.

The salty tears, the solid bones, the hot blood flowing, the beating heart, the heated skin, the hair swaying in the wind, the shining eyes, the sharp teeth, the tongue that forms words, the two feet standing on the red earth, the gestures and actions, each and every cell, every piece of my heart, and even my soul—all of it is yours. I will devote everything to you until the very end.

Four Messara loves Ray Arisa. I was born to love you. I won’t let you go again.

Until the day I die, I will be with you.

I love you.

I love you.