The Terminally-Ill Lord Desires Hospice Care

The desk and study I had seen yesterday, the day before, last week, and last month.
I observed them again, though I would soon no longer be able to see them, but felt nothing particularly special. No matter how long their history, they were simply old things.
Even if packaged in pleasant words, their essence cannot be changed.
Just as packaging our relationship with the word “family” does not change the essence of it being inferior to others.

“I expected you would come.”
As always, my mother looked down at me with a cold expression. If I stood up, I could meet her gaze, but I did not feel the need to do so.

“Yes, after causing such an incident, it’s only natural for me to come.”
“It’s not because it was natural that I expected you to come.”

At least my conversations with mother were not cloying. That was good, and that was bad.
This succinct back-and-forth was good for its conciseness, but bad for its coldness. For I disliked the cold.

“…Quite brazen of you. No, you’ve always been that way.”
“Your impression of me makes it difficult to discern the purpose of your visit. If it is not an impression worthy of comment, please inform me of your purpose so I can take appropriate measures.”

My dim-witted self lacked the talent to comprehend aristocratic metaphors and such. So I preferred direct conversation.
In that regard, mother’s concise way of speaking was easy to understand, but today seemed an exception.

“If you have simply come to vent your anger through insults, I will listen. If striking my cheek would resolve your anger more efficiently, then strike me.”
“……”

At mother’s silence, I recalled my slip of the tongue and spoke again.
“I made that statement assuming you had already heard from Rizehl about why I did not speak in advance. If you have not heard, I apologize for my rudeness and will start over from the beginning.”

Why did I assume such family matters would be shared like that? I was foolish.
“No, I’ve heard it all. In fact, I came here because of that story.”
“…I see.”
“You are consistent to the very end.”
“An expression I cannot comprehend, mother.”
“No need, just listen. We no longer expect you to understand.”

That was quite fortunate. For there is nothing more vexing than not knowing there are areas I cannot comprehend.
As long as you were aware of that fact, it seemed the ensuing conversation would not be tiring.

“Your younger sister seems displeased that you relinquished your lordship and left without a word, but my thoughts differ slightly.”
“If you say they differ?”
“It means I am relieved you will be leaving. For this will be the last of these endless verbal battles, this disillusionment I feel looking at you, hearing your inhuman voice.”

She was scathing.
And it was a bit surprising. I did not know mother was capable of such emotionally charged words.
An emotion unlike usual was etched on mother’s face as she criticized me as “consistent.” Just what emotion was that? I could not comprehend it.

“When you failed to attend your father’s deathbed.”
That was a fact.
“When you murdered the former emperor and your sister’s fiancé for the current emperor.”
What excuse could I give for that?
“When you recommended that whore for empress instead of your sister.”
This statement had room for some rebuttal, but I did not bother. For I thought there was no need to give an answer that would inevitably lead to a fight.

“You had that same expression devoid of any emotion.”
“Mother.”

I could not even begin to guess what words would follow.
The conversation we were having now was not what I had expected. So I did not wish to hear it.
Nothing is as fatal as an unexpected attack. And words were little different from attacks.

“You truly terrify me, the way you are.”
“…Is that so.”

Indeed.
Today I learned a new fact. The relationship I thought would remain the same as this study for a lifetime had been invaded by the new blemish of “terror.”
No, it had likely been present since long ago like this desk before me, but I had simply failed to notice it. I was a blind man who could see.

“What I am about to say only concerns my own plans. Will you listen?”

Even though I knew she would not actually listen, something welling up inside me forced those words out regardless.
Of course, this was an excuse. It was I who both realized she would not listen, and I who forced those words out nonetheless.

“This is a story that has been discussed for quite some time.”
Specifically, those discussions began around last winter.
“With preparations made in advance, I will be departing in two weeks.”

Mother maintained her silence. Her expression held the usual coldness.
“There is no need for you to know where I am going. You would not remember anyway. Simply put, there is not much I can take with me there. So I intend to leave behind everything unnecessary.”

All I would be taking were some clothes, a cane, and trivial knick-knacks. I intended to leave behind everything else.

“The excessive position of lord, which I failed to even attend my father’s deathbed for.”
Yes, this position was excessive for me. Utterly unsuitable for one who spent so many years on the battlefield.
“The undeserved wealth and honor for one who killed the former emperor and my sister’s fiancé.”
Even my dishonorable self could at least leave behind the traces of merit earned on the battlefield. Now I wished to relinquish those as well. For I wished to depart to a place where no one would recognize me.

“This nobility unbecoming of the callous one who recommended a woman other than my sister for empress.”
I intended to sever my ties to this family that I had brought disgrace upon with my numerous follies, so they would no longer be tarnished.

“I will leave it all behind.”
“…Is this some sort of protest?”
“I have never harbored such dissatisfaction, nor am I brave enough for such acts.”

I was not so bold as to raise a hand against my mother.
I simply had a small stubbornness that allowed me to convey the truth.

“…Why did I give birth to a monster like you?”
“Mother, my birth was not of my own will, so I cannot apologize for it.”

I knew well that apologizing for something not my responsibility would only be deception.
“However, if my return alive from the battlefield is the cause of all this misfortune.”
But even if not my intention, if my involvement led to misfortune,
“Then I will apologize for having returned alive.”
That was something worthy of an apology.

“You deceive me to the very end.”
“…As I have said many times, I do not enjoy deceiving others.”

But mother did not believe me. I could tell simply from her expression.
“When I was very young, I too enjoyed reading novels like other girls.”
“Is that so.”
“But most novels back then were about the protagonist inhabiting the body of a character from the novel they read.”

Having not read many novels, I could neither confirm nor deny it. I had never been in an environment to read such things.

“If our lives too were someone’s story…”
Mother gazed at me with eyes colder than usual.
“I wish someone who read this story would inhabit your body.”

For the first few seconds, I could not understand what she was talking about. But eventually, even my dim-witted mind grasped her meaning.

“…Indeed.”
Realizing what mother wished for, I felt a sense of relief.
“Unfortunately, I have not lived an interesting enough life to capture anyone’s interest.”
“You deceive me to the very end.”

Even if I said it was a misunderstanding, it did not seem mother would change her mind.
“Seems any further words to a monster who has never cried would be meaningless. Yes, leave. That would be for the best for all of us.”

With those parting words, mother left my study. It was not a particularly long conversation, but I learned many things from it.
After mother left, I tidied my desk and organized the documents as usual.
Then I made my way to the birdcage to feed the raven.

“Hey, was that really your mom?”
“Biologically, yes. But if you require a doctor’s statement, I can procure one.”
“Giving birth doesn’t automatically make someone a mom, you idiot! Didn’t you hear what she said earlier? About someone inhabiting your body? That was just her telling you to fucking die!”
“Yes, I’m not so foolish as to not understand that.”

For some vexing reason, the raven covered its face with its wings and let out a groan.
“Aarrgh…this vexing fool…”
“Indeed, is that your impression of me?”

Of course, that did not particularly matter to me either way.
“It does not matter to me. The insult ‘vexing fool’ would be considered rather tame among the insults I hear. And being told to die is something I frequently hear as well…”

The moment I was about to finish speaking, my vision briefly blurred.
Thinking something had gotten in my eye, I brought my hand to my face and felt a slight moistness on my fingertips.

“…Indeed.”
I had thought I was accustomed to it.
I had thought I was sufficiently accustomed to being told to die.
“It seems mother was mistaken.”

I realized that even the same words could have different effects depending on who said them.
If this had happened while mother was present, would she have corrected herself? But it was a meaningless hypothetical, and the result was too difficult to imagine.

“Your mom’s not mistaken, it’s her damn mind that’s twisted!”
“There is nothing ‘mistaken’ in this world. There are only things that differ and things disliked.”

I was simply very different from the people of this household, someone they disliked.
Soon, even that fact would become meaningless.

“Sheesh, fuck. What kind of shitty family treats their own son like this? Even if they took in some street urchin, they wouldn’t treat him this badly.”
“That too would be a meaningless hypothetical.”

If I had not gone to war, if I had attended my father’s deathbed, if I had not killed the former emperor and my sister’s fiancé, if I had recommended my sister for empress.
They were equally meaningless hypotheticals to this situation where I held no meaning.

“Just as I hold no meaning in this home.”
“…You really have no talent for jokes.”
“My apologies. I am simply far removed from such things.”

It was not that I particularly disliked my mother or sister.
Just as fire is hot and ice is cold, my mother and sister simply disliked me.
Just as no one gets angry at fire for being hot, I too had no need to get angry at them for who they were.