The Trashy PD Has To Survive as an Idol

“Did you talk with Yoon Heeun-sunbae?”

I momentarily lost my ability to speak.

I thought the time had come, but….

Unwittingly, to hide my trembling eyelashes, I raised my hand and rubbed between my eyebrows.

Kang Ichae?

No. He wasn’t the type to block a conversation with Seong Jiwon and then bring it up behind his back.

It was more accurate to say Seong Jiwon had cleverly figured it out.

I lowered my gaze, shaking off the snow that had piled up on my head.

“How did you find out?”

“At the year-end event, when you said you were headed to the restroom and Ichae went off to find you, it was a bit awkward when both of you returned together, wasn’t it?”

With a faint laugh…

“And recently, you seemed to be in a good mood after switching channels whenever Yoon Heeun-sunbae appeared….”

…he added.

“Have you been happier recently?”

Lifting my head at that question, I saw my reflection in Seong Jiwon’s eyes. I casually averted my gaze and stroked my chin.

“…Do you really want to know?”

“…”

The silence felt prolonged.

Even on this cold day, I felt as if cold sweat was running down my back under Seong Jiwon’s piercing gaze.

Even though I had no intention of telling him, even if he said he wanted to know, I felt slightly pathetic to ask back.

“…Um, no. I trust you.”

Seong Jiwon blinked several times then brushed the snow off the bench before sitting down.

“Well, it’s not like it’s going to be bad for us anyway.”

“That….”

“Right?”

“……Right.”

In the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t wrong.

I knew it wouldn’t work on the members, but I still attempted to look harmless and benign as if I had put my soul into it.

Seong Jiwon just chuckled without saying much and looked up at the sky.

A little further away, the youngest members bickered as usual.

“We got caught again this time.”

“…”

“I can’t really hide anything from you.”

Seong Jiwon turned his gaze to meet mine, paused for a moment, and then said,

“…I’m sorry about last time.”

If he was referring to last time, it must have been about the incident when he tried to answer a sasaeng’s call in the countryside.

“Yeah, you almost did something crazy.”

“Ahaha.”

I spoke seriously in a joking tone, and Seong Jiwon laughed out loud.

I could confidently say I knew what kind of person Seong Jiwon was.

Diligent, hardworking, ambitious, and sometimes soft.

Plus, the resolute aspect I had recently added to my knowledge about Seong Jiwon.

But to think he wanted to know something through a sasaeng?

Was he crazy?

That was more like something I would think.

“―I’m looking for someone.”

At that moment, Seong Jiwon’s words clearly registered in my ears.

“I want to find them by any means because they helped me when I was having a hard time. It happened when I was a D.go trainee, so I’ve been following them since then, wondering if they might know something.”

…Wait.

Not sure how he interpreted my reaction, Seong Jiwon’s voice gradually faded.

“…So, I was wondering whether to accept it or not. Sorry for making a big deal out of it.”

Wait!!

“Thinking about it now, I was stupid….”

While Seong Jiwon hesitated as he looked for my reaction, I struggled to suppress my rising excitement.

Damn, a backdoor jackpot!

However, I had no recollection of helping Seong Jiwon.

“It’s a rather painful memory for me… I didn’t want to bring it up to you because it’s tough….”

But considering the progression of scenarios so far, it had to be me.

Kim Seonghyeon? I helped him. Jeong Dajun too. No matter how I looked at it, it had to be me who had helped Seong Jiwon in the past.

Whether I did a forward roll or a backward roll, or even if I passed by on a KTX, my gut told me it was my story.

What? Was it this kind of story?

I couldn’t grasp what Seong Jiwon was thinking with these recent events going on, but unexpectedly, the main scenario popped out.

“…When?”

“Right before I left my previous agency.”

I asked cautiously, and Seong Jiwon clasped his hands as he spoke.

What was I doing then?

Honestly, I could not remember well.

It was more likely due to the system’s trickery than my own problem.

Until the main scenario began, my memory was tightly sealed.

Only when a certain threshold was reached, a part of the memory would emerge like an old television filled with static noise.

That is, until the system window unlocked my memory, I couldn’t know exactly what I had done.

I decided to make good use of this opportunity.

“Seong Jiwon.”

“Hm?”

“I’ll ask just three things.”

I used to hate it when Min Jiheon said Koreans did things in threes. Turns out, he was right about Koreans and the rule of three.

“Is it someone who works at a broadcasting station?”

“Oh, right.”

“Do they smoke?”

“…Yeah! Right!!”

Seong Jiwon looked at me as if he had seen a ghost.

I finally brought up the most important question.

“Wasn’t that guy a real piece of work?”

“…”

“…”

“…Hoyun, that’s not quite right. I owe a lot to that person. Let’s watch our words.”

I was fuming.

I was clear about it, so why draw a line with me?

Until just moments ago, Seong Jiwon had been nodding fervently, but upon hearing my question, his eyes quickly shifted as if to say, ‘What nonsense are you spouting?’

“Now that I think about it, although the tone might have been a bit harsh, he only spoke the truth. And he really was an impressive person.”

“…”

Rough but dripping with swag.

Wasn’t that me?

The more I hear it, the more it sounds like me.

It seemed so obviously me, but I got frustrated when Seong Jiwon seriously started to object.

Moreover, there was something else that truly felt unfair.

“You…”

“Hm?”

Did you really drag me through the mud just to find that bastard?

I couldn’t forget Seong Jiwon, pale and trembling before the showcase.

So, I chose to be considerate and yield, to avoid further hurting him.

Sure, let’s say he wanted to find the person who helped him.

But why? Just for someone like me?

“What’s so important about them?”

“Hmm?”

“From what I’ve heard, working at a broadcasting station and smoking like a chimney, they must be rude and lacking conscience! What’s so good about them?”

I felt like I was spitting on myself.

There was so much I wanted to say, but I held it in.

Because I couldn’t predict how Seong Jiwon would react if I voiced my thoughts.

Seong Jiwon looked at me intently and then sternly said,

“Seo Hoyun.”

And he got serious.

“Are you picking a fight?”

“…”

This guy, as kind as he was, he was not soft….

I felt utterly betrayed by Seong Jiwon, whom I had trusted completely, and a sigh welled up to the brink of my throat.

“But how did you know about the broadcasting station and the smoking?”

As my face heated up with anger, I tried to cool it with my freezing hands when Seong Jiwon asked with a smirk.

Because it’s me….

“I just guessed….”

“Hmm.”

“You were a trainee, so it’s likely you’d be involved with broadcasting folks, and people at broadcasting stations tend to smoke a lot.”

I scrambled together such a nonsensical excuse, but Seong Jiwon just glanced over me and looked away.

I pressed a palm against my eyes and ran my other hand through my hair.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Hmm?”

“Like with Yoon Heeun, it would have been nice if you’d told your hyung, right? Then….”

I had put up with so much for a year.

And yet, I spoke frankly to this ungrateful person who wandered searching in vain.

“I could have… helped.”

Maybe I was being resentful.

Perhaps they thought confiding in me would create a weakness for them.

But when Seong Jiwon finally heard what I said, he blinked a few times and then burst into laughter.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Ahaha, Seo Hoyun, you’re really….”

Even as I looked at him with cold eyes, Seong Jiwon couldn’t hold back his laughter and, after a moment, touched the corner of his mouth and began to speak.

“The thing about Yoon Heeun wasn’t hidden for any particular reason.”

“Then?”

“I did it because I wanted to listen to my grandmother.”

Suddenly, what was this out-of-place remark?

I was feeling troubled, but Seong Jiwon seemed to be in a good mood, gathering snow on the bench with his hands and pressing it into a small ball.

“She used to say that we, because of our job, would often hear bad things. People can gradually wear down, but even so….”

By the time his fingertips turned red, he had formed a snowball and placed it on the bench he was sitting on.

“Look at only beautiful things and listen to only good words.”

“…”

“That’s why.”

And he started to form another snowball.

“You mean, you did that because you thought I’d hear something bad and get hurt?”

“When you put it that way, it sounds strange? Of course, I know you don’t care about such things.”

If you knew, then fuck….

I swallowed the words that almost burst out of my throat.

Seong Jiwon seemed to notice what I wanted to say and snickered, pressing down the snow with his hand.

“Anyway, it might be selfish of me, but I want to show only good things and say only beautiful words to those I care about.”

So, like Seong Jiwon initially said, hiding what Yoon Heeun said wasn’t really for any specific reason.

In the end, Seong Jiwon finished making a small snowman on the bench.

“Well, it does feel good to talk about it.”

Seeing my dumbfounded expression, Seong Jiwon shrugged his shoulders, dusted off the snow and dirt from his hands, and blew on his reddened fingers.

“The snow is falling so beautifully.”

“…”

“A white Christmas, it’s been a long time. Four years, maybe….? We’re lucky, aren’t we?”

Watching the same scene, the lead vocal criticized it as garbage falling from the sky, while the main vocal was happy because it’s a white Christmas.

At that moment, when I was about to sarcastically ask what was so good about being lucky amidst these contrasting feelings, Seo Hojin’s words came to mind.

“You could just say ‘Thanks, I got it.’ Why do you always have to twist your words?”[1]

But what did I care.

“…Only if money falls instead of snow would I consider myself lucky.”

Or maybe popularity, recognition, or fame.

As I spat out whatever came to mind, feeling defeated, Seong Jiwon’s eyes crinkled with laughter.

His appearance, like a star twinkling in any darkness, caught my eye…

“Hyungs!! What are you doing?! There’s a lot of snow here!”

Then, Jeong Dajun, covered in snow from head to toe, waved at us from afar.

Seeing him, Jiwon let out a slight smile and stood up.

“Coming now!”

Left alone, I flopped down where Jiwon had been sitting and tilted my head back.

“…So annoying.”

[Why? Because of Seong Jiwon?]

The system window popped up beside me.

“He’s annoying, but not just that.”

I shook my head to get rid of the snow and pulled my padded hat down over my ears.

As my excitement cooled down, and my brain started to work, things became clearer.

It dawned on me why I had been acting so out of character: having no patience yet waiting for Jiwon to speak, dealing with Yoon Heeun even when there was nothing in it for me.

“…I’m screwed.”

I cared about Jiwon.

Ding!

[????]

[Why…?]

[Is it because you can’t progress the scenario? It’s okay, we have plenty of time ahead!]

Is it just Jiwon?

Ignoring the system window, which was spouting nonsense without catching on, I glanced over at the members’ faces.

I imagined how angry they would get if they told me to mind my own business and I confronted them about it.

Conclusion:

I’d be pissed.

I had a feeling of being backstabbed since Jeong Dajun’s double contract.

Though an uneasy feeling lingered, I was too busy making a living and didn’t want to acknowledge it, so I just ignored that feeling.

But finally, after a year, I had to admit it.

“Grrr…”

I cared about these bastards.

Not only did I look after my own meal ticket, but theirs as well.

And if anyone else tried to mess with them, it would piss me off not to retaliate.

I ended up creating one more weakness, damn it….’

[Don’t look so down!!]

From a café across the street that was still open, the gentle melody of Black Call’s carol flowed out.

“White Christmas I want to remember forever

Everything in front of you, smiling happily

The white snow falling from the sky”

“It’s not like that!! Ah, it’s so unfair?”

“Hey, wanna bet? Shall we bet?”

“Let’s do it. But you’re betting your game console, got it?”

“Yeah, let’s do it.”

Amid the music, I could hear the members arguing over something, their voices loud yet unclear.

“Hoyun-hyung!! Come and tell us who’s wrong!”

I just looked up at the sky without responding.

“When will I ever be able to live a carefree life? How much nicer do I have to be here before I get a gift?”

[I really do want to give you something. But Seo Hoyun, you haven’t been living all that nicely…]

“Pick up on the hint, will you.”

I just wanted to whine a bit.

“White Christmas, you were happily laughing in front of me.”

What should I do from now on?

I pondered slowly, one by one, about what kind of restrictions acknowledging this would bring upon me.

It won’t make much of a difference.

Even if the number of dependents increased, it wouldn’t hinder the progression of the scenario anyway.

Whether like this or that, my goal of becoming a first-class idol would not change.

“A carol echoing in the distance

I want to remember all of this for a lifetime”

Seo Hoyun, this guy would still use everything to achieve what he wanted.

…Except for the members.

“…Okay.”

Having sorted out my thoughts, I then gazed at the snowflakes pouring down generously before standing up and approaching the members.

“Why, what’s up?”

“Ah! Listen, I’m so frustrated I could go crazy??”

Our puppy seemed terribly aggrieved, barking away, but honestly, it went in one ear and out the other.

Maknae, I’m the one who’s more aggrieved.

A Black Call Christmas song that was breaking through the roof.

Seong Jiwon, who was about to do something crazy just to find me.

The main scenario, which hadn’t shown any hint of progress.

From the beginning to the end, nothing went my way.

“—Right?”

“Do you guys fight over such things?”

“It’s about pride.”

…Nevertheless, it was okay.

“…Seriously.”

Of course, that was the most ridiculous part.

I muttered with my arms crossed,

“I want to go back to my initial resolve, not stick with pride.”

“……???”

The members tilted their heads in unison, question marks floating above them.

“Jeong Dajun.”

“Huh?”

I grabbed the nape of Jeong Dajun, who was closest to me, pulled him close, and laid my chin on his shoulder while pretending to be upset.

“Hoyunie is having a hard time these days.”

“…”

“…”

A chill colder than the winter wind passed between us.

Jeong Dajun, whose waist was forcibly grabbed, couldn’t escape and shivered with his arms.

“It’s tough for me too whenever hyung is like this!”

“Huhuhu.”

“Ah! Ah!! Really, why are you like this?!”

Eventually, Jeong Dajun thrashed around, jumping up and down, and as soon as I let go, he quickly moved away.

Then, I chuckled.

The members grumbled non-stop, saying something was wrong, that it shouldn’t have been revealed on the broadcast, and now it seemed my face wasn’t covered with brass but with diamond.

“Why, why did it turn into a mess? Was there something in the Christmas cake earlier?!”

“Ah, I feel like competing against hyung….”

“Being a leader is just so, so, so tough….”

“Why?”

The members looked at me with worried eyes as if I were sick, but the real concern should be for themselves.

Guys, I was sorry.

You’re stuck with a madman.

“Merry Merry White Christmas!”

No, actually, I was not that sorry.

[1] See Episode 123