The Villainess Is An SS+ Rank Adventurer

Streams of tiny flags ran from rooftop to rooftop.

The town of Witschblume was certainly a colourful affair. What may have once been walls of sensible red bricks and faded wood were instead canvasses in their own right. 

As Apple bore me along a loosely cobbled road through the centre of this famed town, it was while trotting beneath a rainbow of pastel yellows, green and violet signboards. 

Even so, while the façades of the many storefronts and houses may be different, those hollering for my attention were not. No matter how far I travelled or or how I bravely huddled away from every open window boasting a piano peeking over its edge, my regal aura was one which transcended distance.

And that meant a rare chance for the people of Ouzelia to shower their attention upon a true princess.

“Oh, Lady Uxna! Try this new cream for your heels! It’s made of soothing dewberry extract and elderflower vine! You can have a tub for free!”

“My lady, would you like to sit down and relax at my restaurant? It’s just reopened! I’ve a new lunch menu you can sample! Try everything, I insist! It’s all on me!”

“Madame Blood Shrieker! Come, come sample my new product! It’s a gleamroot elixir to make your hair shine like the moon! I happen to have a test crate with your name on it!”

“Lady Uxna, please notice meeee!”

Indeed!

The crowd simply could not get enough of me … via the maid escorting me by my side. 

As we navigated this market street teeming with commoners, merchants and oddballs, it was made all the busier by the throngs of curious admirers steadfastly avoiding eye contact with me as they instead sought to harass the ogre beside me. 

Seeing the looks of eagerness light up their faces as they directed it at someone else … I could only nod.

My, what a delightful surprise!

To think that despite my worst fears, the people here knew enough of etiquette to appropriately heckle my accompanying retinue instead!

True, they really shouldn’t be blocking my way to do it … in fact, they shouldn’t be pestering her at all, but rather going through Coppelia. But I could hardly blame them for the mishap.

After all– 

“I’ll take this, and that, and this, and that~”

Coppelia was busy.

Unable to ward away the commoners threatening Apple’s hooves, she was instead reaching out and accepting every item being offered in the maid’s place. Within moments, her arms were laden with all the things necessary to compete with her library’s gift shop. 

As expected, my loyal handmaiden wasn’t to be caught idling. The more sources of income she secured, the greater the statement that she would not be undone in the face of somebody else’s retainer. 

And my, wasn’t this a rare one to earn a smidgeon of my interest?

Strange as it was to converse idly with maids, it was still acceptable if they were of notable birth or background. Just as this one’s title suggested.

A curious thing. Although I knew little of ogres and their ways, I at least understood they possessed better insults than to elevate their own with titles of nobility. That was just demeaning.

No … she’d been bestowed it by others.

“You appear popular with the people, Lady Uxna. I am grateful to have you as my escort.”

“Your words do me honour.” She offered a respectful nod, all the while pushing commoners aside by way of being larger than everyone else. “Allow me also to apologise for the commotion.”

“Oh? Whatever for?” 

“Witschblume is famed for its liveliness, but more so when I walk its streets. It is well known that I represent Duchess Cadence. My opinion is often sought after in the hope of securing her patronage.”

“A sentiment I’m all too familiar with, then. To be heaped with free gifts and adoration on top of being immensely wealthy is a terrible burden.”

“So it is,” said Lady Uxna politely.

I offered a smile while casually tugging Apple’s reins a little to the side. He snorted directly into a peasant reaching across with a bouquet of flowers, then gobbled said flowers.

“Might I ask how you came about your title? I confess I’m unfamiliar with the intricacies of ogre peerages.”

“That is because they do not exist. At least not in common form. Those most celebrated amongst our tribes mark their high status with the wreathed bones of our enemies and a face paint of their blood.”

“A subtle and dignified display. We could all learn from your example.”

“Thank you. I share similar sentiments. Be that as it may, Duchess Cadence saw fit to reward me with a title in keeping with local tradition, in recognition of my services to Witschblume.” 

“A gift as rare as it is to accept it. I know of ogres who have taken to the call of the sea. But none who have taken to the call of human nations.”

“Nor are you likely to. I still represent my tribe, albeit as part of a cultural exchange.” 

“A … cultural exchange?”

“It’s been remarkably enlightening. And not only for myself. I educate myself on the peculiars of local politics, while my exchange partner fights to the death in the Blood Pits.”

I gasped and covered my mouth.

To eschew fighting to the death in gladiatorial combat to instead die a slow and torturous death by boredom in the court was a sacrifice deserving of far more than a mere peerage!

“Is … Is that so? Goodness, your dedication to your tribe is quite commendable.”

“It is no great burden,” she said modestly. “There are hurdles, but few which cannot be overcome through perseverance and a show of a slightly pronounced molar. The formal title is helpful as well.” 

“A reflection of your character. As well as Duchess Cadence’s foresight.” 

“She is certainly known for her wisdom, yes. I hope that your meeting with her is productive.”

“As do I. Indeed, I’m most curious about what she wishes to discuss. Particularly as such short notice.”

“I’m afraid that is not for me to say. I was only requested to offer you an audience.”

I offered a polite smile.

After all, how could I not, while I was so keenly expected in another realm?

Yes, there were several problems. I wanted this visit to be swift, discreet and without fuss. The only things I desired along with everything I could possibly want. 

Instead, I could practically hear the scampering feet of our diplomats as they trembled at the prospect of this unscheduled meeting. And only partially to do with the fact that I was entirely unfamiliar with the minute details of foreign diplomacy.

But that’s fine!

I was learned in more than the ways of popular culture! Despite the valiant attempts of my siblings, it was only natural that I wouldn’t be wholly excluded from the drudgery of court life. I had little doubt I could represent the grace and dignity of my kingdom. 

All the more so since I was never here.

Indeed, it was clear that informality was very much the theme of this visit.

The lack of ceremony spoke as much as the fact that my escort was conscious not to use any mode of address. Yet more than her discretion was the fact this was no parade of banners, trumpets and knights clogging up the street. 

And that was proof I had little to fear. 

If Witschblume’s ruler wished to indulge in her curiosity, then who was I to deny it? 

Especially if she could help shorten my visit. 

“Your Duchess has keen eyes,” I said. “Only a short time ago, I myself did not even expect to be here.”

“Little occurs in Witschblume without Duchess Cadence’s knowledge. Particularly regarding princesses. Before the signing of the Queensholme Accords, it was expected that when a princess was taken by a dragon, it fell to the regional ruler to organise her rescue. Your sudden arrival sent no less than a dozen separate artifacts shattering the windows.”

I let out a tiny groan.

Of course. Ouzelia. The home of dragons. Where else would a way to detect rapidly arriving princesses be found if not in the place where they were all taken? For all I knew, there was an entire industry around it. If murder fog could be commercialised, then why not rescuing princesses?

“Goodness. My apologies, then. I shall ensure that somebody other than me compensates you. Rest assured, I am as much a victim as your windows are.”

“I’m certain the Duchess will understand. While I cannot know her mind or your purpose, I believe that windows are unlikely to be a topic of conversation. Not least since they break with regular frequency.”

I waited for context. Or a smile of inappropriate humour.

Neither came.

I shuddered instead, leaning away from every window as I searched for the silhouettes of my kingdom’s St. Liane exports teetering needlessly. Neither the unease nor my now permanently scrunched shoulders faded. But the gaggle of fawning merchants soon did.

As the cobbled street winded onwards, the rows of stalls and storefronts lessened, replaced by the sight of white walls rising high overhead. 

Witschblume castle looked rather like it had been plucked from a picture book. A quaint and charming sight, built clearly to host dignitaries rather than to withstand a siege. Neither the towers nor the ramparts were as grand or impressive as Reitzlake Castle. But it was worth a moment of admiration nonetheless.

I paused to appreciate the many arched windows. Each was stained with a different colour of the rainbow, the glass a mosaic of intricate patterns likely to be matched only by the finest of cathedrals.

Pwsshhhhh.

And then I saw an even more colourful sight.

A woven basket breaking through one of the delicate windows. 

As it flew, garments trailed behind it like streams of ribbons. Gowns, socks and puffy frocks. Fabrics of light hues to match the pastel nature of the town floated downwards as the basket rolled before us, empty except for the multiple shoes weighing it down.

Lady Uxna leaned down amidst the shower of garments and plucked out a note. 

I politely turned away. And then quickly peeked when she wasn’t looking.

 

I hereby declare laundry outlawed,

Duchess Cadence

 

Lady Uxna’s eyes were unmoving even as she read it.

After a moment, she turned to me with a look of apology.

“The Duchess is prone to decisions of fancy,” she said lightly. “Particularly in regards to her dislike of the maintenance of her attire. Please do not be concerned. She is diligent in matters of governance.”

I stared at all the garments as they lay scattered upon the cobbled road. 

And then I returned to the note.

This Duchess … why, she’d just outlawed laundry!

That was just absurd! … Or was it? 

If … If I did such a thing, it would mean the socks which didn’t exist on my floor would by definition no longer count as garments lazily strewn by the wayside! Rather, they’d be classified as discarded excess I had no expectation to neatly pile into a basket myself!

I gave a gasp as light filled my vision.

“W-What a revolutionary!”

Lady Uxna’s shoulders immediately drooped. Coppelia kindly reached up and patted her.

“Don’t worry, it only gets harder from here~”