This Is Where I Want To Be

208. Exposure Therapy

Marcus

Juliet had started our fight by asking, “Why have you not spoken to me in four months, Marcus?”

“You know why!” My voice was already raised. She had stepped back, and I did the same. I wasn’t in the mood for her crap.

Her eyes brimmed with confusion and hurt, “You feel the same way as when you found out about Soren.”

“NO! Juliet! I feel more! I’m so angry with you that I can hardly look at you. If you were not carrying my child, I would probably have gone down the road of leaving again.” My words were cutting, but I couldn’t hold back anymore.

“So what now, Marcus. You asked me if we’re okay? How could you ask that if you’re clearly not.”

“A stupid moment of weakness,” I said before thinking. She was quiet and not retorting. “When we slept together the first time. I told you. I put down that line in the sand. You could see what it did to me. You said you didn’t let go of Soren only because of Chris. That you would do anything for me… Maybe the “almost” part meant more than the rest.”

“And did I go near him? Did I not have Jessy shadow me and tell you when we would be anywhere near each other. You continually used him. After I let go… You were the one that brought him back. Time and time again… I had done my part, Marcus. All you had to do was get him off the island. Get to him soon enough so he would not die. Look what you did by leaving him there. You knew he was angry. Ian told you, and you already had doubts. Why did you not get him out? Look at where we’re at.”

I had closed the distance between us and, for the first time, lifted my hand to hit her. Her eyes fiercely met mine. She was determined to never let anyone hurt her again. I taught her how to protect herself, and she was prepared and countered my attack. We fought with meaning but not to physically hurt each other. “This is not my fault!” I said, pinning her in a hold. “We’re here because of you. You didn’t have to tell him any of our plans.” I yelled.

She disappeared to get away from me. “It is your fault. I’m unhinged, manipulative, controlling, and selfish! You are the adult here, Marcus.”

“I am not your father! And I will never be another Louis!”

“No, that’s for sure.” The condescending tone in her voice irritated me. It made me so angry. Instead of going at her, I laughed at her because it was how I felt. She was being ridiculous in her arguments. We fought again. Juliet had come at me like she did that night in the woods with her first full manifestation, gripping my neck so fast and had me dangling from a hand. “You are still a child. And always will be. No common sense.” I kicked her away from me, yelling, “No regard for my feelings!”

“No regard for your feelings!” She had come at me with hatred in her eyes. I swatted her off like a fly and laughed at her again for even trying, livid that she would actually want to hurt me. Things were getting out of hand. I had pinned her quickly, not holding back anymore, and waited until she was calm. Only for her to come at me again. “What is wrong with you?” I didn’t feel like being an adult at that moment.

“Well, we’re exactly the same. There is no running from that. This is how it will be. You tell me what to do and do exactly the same thing.” I let her go. She rolled away from me, coming to her feet.

“What does that mean. I would never have anyone else.”

“But that was not my line! How many times do I have to say this? If you want to leave Marcus, leave! But don’t think you will raise your child. I will make him disappear and take what is clearly more important to you than us.”

I had to go after her, wholly pushed over the line of her empty threats. She kept using Naji to get back at me. We fought until I had a hold of her again, laughing as she tried to get free, hurting herself in the process. “You will never make me change my mind about this. All I see is his hands all over you.” I squeezed her in the hold I had her in, grappling until she cried out, tapping. I wondered why she didn’t disappear again. “I did not intentionally hurt you with Michael. I’ll apologize for not doing anything. You apologize for cheating on me. For hurting me.”

“I did apologize for hurting you… I did not cheat on you… I did not go to f- the guy… But you know what. I take it back! I wish I had told him to come home with me. I wish I had acted and lied like you could to get what I needed!” She screamed out loud. “If you did not let the war go on for months and let Ian attack the Earth. Not doing anything again. Not talking to me again. Wanting to kill all the Vampires again like you decided on Zoreah. Like you did with Michael. Promise me that you will work to see your son and then do NOTHING!” She stomped a foot on the ground. I couldn’t believe it.

“I am so disappointed in you! I cannot get over how you have become this person!” My hands flung out to her in exasperation. “I had my reasons. You stood back and sat in that desert without a care in the world.”

Her mouth hung open for a moment, her eyes blinking rapidly. “Sat… Sat in the desert…” Juliet took a deep breath and calmed herself. “Yes, well, you can be sure that I finally, being bound up and forced down like a dog, learned my lesson. Had my heart ripped out and blamed for it. Learned my lesson. Used as a f-ing broodmare, learned my lesson. No more Marcus! No more!” I took a step back from her. She scoffed, “You know what! You keep walking. Keep moving backward. Keep going back to your father’s lap. I don’t know why you ever complained about being controlled by him. You liked it. You want someone who rules you. It just can’t be me! And then you beat Michael to an inch of his life for not submitting… When are you going to submit Marcus?”

There was silence, and I digested her words. Juliet expected me to submit. Listen to her like we were in a werewolf harem. Follow orders and do what I was told. That she would even ask it of me made me retort, “OH, that mouth of yours. It will always be your problem. Saying precisely what you want in the moment. Never able to take it back.”

Juliet’s eyes didn’t shoot daggers at me like I thought they would. Her lips didn’t lift in irritation around her mouth. I frowned at the tilt of her head away from me. What was she doing? Her eyes closed, and there was a strain around them. I was waiting for her to come at me or say something. She didn’t. Juliet’s whole body faltered, and her hand reached for the desk to catch her buckling knees. I instinctively moved forward, putting an arm around her waist and steadying her with the other. She was that tired. That was why she could not disappear again. For the first time in four months, my resentment broke. She was shattered and completely drained. Unthinking, I had started our physical encounter. Juliet was just a child who had mine only a week ago. She was not two hundred years old. I took stock of the amount of wounds she had; cuts, bruises, her arms scraped raw. I grimaced as the aching pain settled in my core.

Juliet had dark circles under her eyes and the redness of too little sleep and too much stress to carry. My arms instinctively tightened around her. Juliet’s lip trembled. We couldn’t drug her at all because they would come again. Told the doctor to make her sleep and nothing more. We could not stab her with another tube and have her out for three days. I could do nothing but watch her get hurt like I always did. I could not protect her, not all the time. I had left it too long, and we had too much to deal with all at once. “Juliet, all we have to do is isolate the issues. Get them out in one sentence and negotiate the rest of our lives.” Her shoulders were slumped, and her chin tilted away from me, but she had not pushed me away. It was a bit different when she was fourteen. It had been twelve years. We were well on our way to the teenage phase of our relationship. “Do you know how hard it is for me? I would never look at anyone else. That night with Rana was the first time in our history that the thought had crossed my mind. And it wasn’t at all emotional. Never will it again. Although… I have to say Sita was… stunning. And Iku’s wife. Wow! If Iku was not a giant shadow that could swat me across a planet, I would think about it.” A lonely tear rolled over her cheek.

“That feeling you have right now. It is my life. I will never have a wife, a child, and a home. Us alone against the world. Our principles and standards never aligned. And then I’m not even your first choice.” I placed my hand on her cheek and rubbed away the tear. She didn’t even have the strength to fling it away. “But I… love you. I am here in my own capacity, the best I can be. I’m not at a hundred percent or even fifty percent most of the time.” I gently nudged her face towards me. Her misty eyes came around. I lowered my lips to hers, holding her gaze and waiting an inch away. Always giving her the choice as she did with me.

***

The door opened. I could only hear it. The cell was pitch dark and cold, and no light streamed in from outside to illuminate the doorway or who was there. I was so used to it. At least I wasn’t chained up to a wall on my knees, left until I passed out. Two arms picked me up under my shoulders. I didn’t know how long I had been on that floor. I was placed in a chair. My hands were tied with soft furry cuffs. I was in Michaels’s dance studio. My legs were next, and then a belt was shoved in my mouth and strapped behind my head. Dim lights illuminated what was going on in the room. Juliet was in another chair in front of me. Her whole body, up to her neck, was tied to the chair. Same thing in her mouth.

I glanced past her to the stage. Soren was in the room. “I didn’t want things to get so out of hand so quickly, but with you lot… I at least have to try to keep up. Soren held up a tube in one hand and looked at me. Juliet couldn’t see me, and I couldn’t see her face. “So Marcus, I don’t know how you will feel after this. I was a little upset, to say the least. So I’ll leave you here for today. It’s not going to get any better.”

Soren waved the tube in the air and closed the door on his way out. Juliet’s feed was on screen. It started with us outside her house. Kubra had come, and we had left. I was going to see what she had gone through on the compound.

How scared she was, sleeping with Louis. Getting beat up time after time for the silliest of things.

It had to be two weeks we sat there, Juliet and I because that was the day Damian had beaten her till she passed out. He had picked her up and undressed her. Fondled her in subtle ways. My teeth ground down till my head ached. A finger would caress a breast, carrying her to the bath, letting the water rinse her wounds. “You like the bath so much, don’t you?” Damian said in such a lusty, condescending tone that I was nauseated. Then he washed her whole body with an open hand. My body revolted at the feelings building in my chest. When he was done, he carried her to the bed, drying her with the towel, taking his time, touching her legs, and stroking all over her body. He had turned her around and did the same with her back, gliding his fingers over each deep open wound in her flesh. His hand closed over her ass, and fingers slid down her thighs in between her legs. His face contorted, and he manifested and wanted to pull her legs apart. The door opened. The guards fought, and he pulled the sheet up to her waist.

Juliet was crying. I was beyond myself.

The following day, Damian was there again, sitting next to her bed, taking the hair out of her face, tracing her lips and all the wounds, and applying some concoction to her back that they thought would work. They had their conversation, and Damian threatened her. My grandfather had sent him to slowly break her. Juliet was crying on screen and off.

I would always go first out of the room in total darkness. I didn’t know what they were doing to Juliet. If Soren would use that time to hurt her in other ways. That night, I cried myself to sleep. I understood what Louis had to deal with, seeing it, living it, and knowing what she goes through with everyone. Witness to all her thoughts and feelings. And then I had issues with one guy. No wonder Louis was losing it… I tried to get out of my chains and the rooms in my younger days. It was no use. So, that time around, I had to accept we were both stuck.

Every morning, the same thing. Into the chair. That day, Soren made an appearance. “Today, we’re going to move a little ahead. I had edited the next part. It’s still going to take the whole day. And then tomorrow, the tough part begins.”

It was a day of what she had gone through. How she ran to Soren for help and their conversation when she was so depressed she couldn’t even get up. They slept together a few times. Then, there were the worst parts in between what Louis had done. Not even kissing her or looking at her. Using her over and over. Cold and writhing out of control. Rough and not making love, rolling off after and waiting until he was ready again to be even more demanding and cruel, pushing and manipulating her when she said no. The last time, he flipped her over and dragged her up and lifted her till she was on all fours, spreading her and thrusting into her with no preparation. He did not even hear her grunts to take that overwhelming feeling. When he was ready to finish, he slid his hand over her back, grabbed her hair, and went so hard at it that she had to bite her lip to not cry out. Or do something that would make her father come in there. Juliet took it like a good girl because when he was done and next to her, he would drag her into his arms and tell her all the things she would need to hear, holding her while she held back tears. He would fall asleep from sheer exhaustion. Louis was constantly busy with what my father had planned for me to do. The morning after every encounter, the real Louis was back, and she would pretend that it hadn’t happened. The split in personality was so outrageous that even I would have thought he got caught up in the moment. It wasn’t how she was supposed to get used to an intimate relationship, married life. In her journal, she excused it to vampire lust and rough sex that some people liked. Juliet wasn’t like that, and sometimes, she ran. Soren was there… I suddenly felt guilty going to her in the middle of the night. Using her to get off.

At one point that day, I was losing my mind. I couldn’t take it anymore, hungry, and my gut pulled out of me too many times over and over. I had fought my bondages. Tried to get out of the chair. Used all my strength, making muffled noises. I had not been there. I had left, and I could’ve gone back at any time. Her one line was that I had to be there. And for four months, I had checked out again. My resolve had waned. I had become tired of having to make the decision every day to accept the life I had chosen.

The time had taken its toll on my body. We had not been fed at all. I had no idea why no one had come for us and where the hell Chris was. I didn’t know how much more I could take, but I was used to it. The torture… And if I felt that way, how was Juliet dealing with it? I suddenly understood why Louis had not talked to her or been with her for the last four months. He could not read her anymore. He was back to where he was all those years ago and scared out of his mind. Juliet had started sobbing in front of me. My outburst had not been good for her. Soren came in and took her out. I was left in the dark, dreading the next day. Because what the hell could be worse than that. Soren had, in a few months, destroyed our lives. Brought us down to such a place that I couldn’t conceive how we would ever move on from it.

***

Juliet

I had gone after Soren a few times over those weeks. I manifested and would bite through the gag that was constantly in my mouth day after day. He would need to come in, and I would lash out. When we were out of the room, and the door was closed, I used all the strength I had to get my teeth sunk into his neck and rip out his throat. Where I had thought we could’ve had a great life, I knew then that I was sooo wrong. Someone like that changes over time. Just like Isla would see with Ian. Just like Lucius and Qadir. One thing in their lives happened, and everything they had stood for drifted out the window… Or… they never knew who they really were.

But Soren had, as I suspected, been taking the same thing Louis took. Louis had done it to confuse Ahasuerus. To buy us time, and Soren had done it to be able to stay alive. He was scared, and his nerves taught. He had not gotten over the initial stages and was not on En-gannim to dose himself through tough patches. I also thought about Rana and what had happened over those last few months without a plate to control him. That night of their wedding had to have been a walk in the park.

I was a little naïve in what I remembered of what I had gone through on the Compound. My memories were distorted by drugs and intervention and the nonstop fight to stay alive. I had molded and formed my past into something it wasn’t. At that moment, I felt dirty and violated all over. I saw myself in all those situations where I had done nothing but be the better person or the one who would try to accept another for who they were. Make others happy. I had to sit down. I had to lie down. Thought about ending it all because, really what was the point? All I had to do was manifest and rip my arms to shreds. Manifest and rip my throat to shreds. Soren wouldn’t even know until the next morning. Damian had done more than wake me up uncomfortably. Marcus… I thought he would never get over it. He had a problem thinking about me and Soren. Seeing it.

I was so hungry that I started hallucinating, and with everything I had seen, I was traumatized all over. How many times did Louis tell me he had hurt me and had crossed a line. I didn’t want to believe it, seeing it was taking everything from me, just like Soren said he would. Open my eyes to the truth of my excuses for the rough sex Louis had with me were replaced with… something I could never unsee. Marcus had seen it, too. And that was the worst of all. What would he do to Louis?

I was okay a few weeks ago. We were okay. Marcus had finally opened up and let the anger go. The only thing I was thankful for was that I was too far gone to let the emotions ruin any more of my body. No snakeskin. No depression. The following day was the same thing. Although he had warned us it would only get worse… I had prepared myself. I knew what was coming. It would be all of them sleeping with other people. It was going to be Louis’s whole life, woman after woman. That morning, I fought and held on to the door frames. I had kicked and lashed out. Bitten Soren a few times. “Like I said, Julie. You will hate me. But I decided I wouldn’t be the only one full of anger and disappointment. You have put Louis on a pedestal. And reading it in journals is not the same as seeing him coming into woman after woman. You probably didn’t even know the full extent of his exploits.”

Soren had stayed that day. “If you want to throw up. Lift a finger.” I had tried to close my eyes. Tried to take my eyes off the screen. He snagged my chin and forcefully lifted my head. “It can get much worse for Marcus if you don’t behave Julie.” I couldn’t and shook my chin out of his grip. “You either watch what he did, or I will go after Caleb. And then Sammy, and then… what is the baby’s name. Was it a boy or a girl?” It didn’t really bother me. My dad would never let him near any of my children. The wall around them was much larger than the one around me.

Soren moved towards Marcus. I made muffled complaints and moved around. It was all I could get out. I wondered what Louis thought I should do in situations like that. Not even Marcus could do anything. We were both cut and useless. What could Marcus have taught me to get out of there?

“You ready to watch?” I vigorously nodded. Soren pulled up a chair and sat down. It started out with Chris and Sita’s one night of passion. What happened in France with her on that bed. I wanted to throw up. What was different between him and Damian? Soren or Louis? We were all freaking creatures of the night. Sex as an outlet. Then Louis’s life started. Not all of it… The feed went right into a scene of him with a woman in the woods of a mountain. He was all there enjoying it. Up against a tree. His mouth on hers. His mouth on every part of her. His tongue inside her. Everything she wanted.

You could tell when he was reading them. Women in beds in every possible position you could think of. Sex dungeons and a lot of it. Women in bathroom stalls or up against an alley wall. Women who stayed the whole night and women whom he had a hard time killing. How he flirted and read them to get them exactly where he wanted them. He would sometimes take the whole night to figure out who was the loneliest. Who wouldn’t be missed? Who he could make disappear after he came into so many women that I lost all sense of what was going on. And then one night when he had not killed the woman after. He, Jacklin, and a group were in one room. It had happened between them. They both had a meal after. The only two left standing… Had he not told me never. Soren was going to play it through.

Although Louis’s life was hard for me to watch, there was nothing I could do about it. I knew what I had chosen. Whom I had chosen. But then Marcus came on screen. I felt the anxiety rise. A hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. My breath was instantly shallow, and my manifestation was out of control. I bit through whatever was in my mouth. I kept seeing the screen out of the corner of my eye. Marcus was dressed so well and walking with Kubra toward some house in the country. My heartbeat accelerated to get out before he even walked through the door. Soren had gotten up by then. My hands pulled upward and outward and snapped through my restrictions as if it was yarn. I ripped the ones off around my chest and turned to look up at Soren. Our gazes locked. “You have a second to stop it.”

“You will finish if it’s the last thing I do… It seems it wasn’t about Louis at all.”

My eyes flickered to the screen. Marcus stepped through the front door. I broke the first leg strap around my ankle and stood up in a rush. Soren took one step forward. “I will kill myself. Do you understand me?” I heard a female voice on the screen. I lifted my hand and forced my nails to grow longer than they could, not hesitating to pierce the skin down my throat. Soren waved his hand through the air. We stood there staring at each other, assessing all the implications of what had just happened. I was out of breath from the monster he had unleashed. A green-eyed one. The realization hit me. For weeks, I could’ve gotten out. If I had only been desperate enough and used my weakness to my advantage rather than trying to get over it. That was why Louis was gone. He knew that night on the bed what we were becoming…

My legs gave way under me, and I fell forward into Soren’s arms, sure that he had not done it for me to kill myself. They had kept us busy for some reason. “So, do you still think we don’t have a chance after everything? You are, after all, no one’s first but mine.” He said, helping me sit down. I honestly didn’t know what to think or could put two thoughts together. I fell forward onto his chest, my head resting under his chin. Soren’s arms reached around me. The tears started rolling. Uncontrollable tears with no emotions attached. No sounds. “Now I’m going to be even crueler… Get you to a place to accept the reality you created.” My shoulders started shaking. “Oh, Julie. I am sorry. I know you never asked for any of it. It’s not your fault… It all started with Marcus not asking and forcing you over a chair… I feel it’s a bit unfair that I’m the only one who has to grow up. And what did the guys say?” Soren looked up at Marcus. “Move on.”

A sob escaped me. Soren stroked my face and ran his hand over my hair. “I’m going to feed you. Clean you up. I’m going to wait and send you back. I’m going to set you free. Like the truth will set you free from Louis.”

My arms instinctively wrapped around his neck, begging him not to do it. “I know you don’t want to. But it’s going to happen. We have to come together in some way.” My stomach convulsed at the words Louis had said to get me to a place where I would sleep with him… That Soren would or could be so cruel. “You will never forget me. We will have all this pain and suffering to keep us going.”

He pulled my arms off him and did exactly that. I had a beast and a human. I got to take a bath and get cleaned up. I got new clothes and was back in our old room on the compound. Soren was on the bed watching me. “Soren, why did Chris not come?”

“I figured out what the other stone does.” My hand had stopped moving mid-air. “Chris is fine. Caleb, as well. The three of them will be staying for a while. To give you and Louis some time to reunite.”

“How did we get here? Me and You?”

“I fixed the little part you stole and saw where you and the others have been hiding. I have to say that massive shadow.”

I smiled and chuckled. Soren looked up at me through his eyelashes. Our eyes met. Although I hated him with every fiber of my being, I blamed myself for what he had become. A mixture of emotions played over his features. “Is it time?” I struggled.

Soren’s fingers gripped the sheets, and with a shaky voice, mouthed, “A car is waiting.”