To Me, Who Doesn’t Love You

When Yeonseo lightly embraced his shoulder as a casual greeting, he seemed a bit embarrassed, but his expression didn’t look displeased. His flushed cheeks, which he shyly turned away, seemed almost too childlike for someone in their late twenties.As we returned to the hotel, arms full of the various things market vendors had insisted we try, we were met with an unexpected situation.“Oh, do we need to move rooms now?”We had barely entered the parking lot when we received a call from the hotel staff. They informed us that there was a problem with the hot water in our room due to an issue during room maintenance. Additionally, several other rooms were experiencing the same problem, and they were arranging to move us to another room as quickly as possible. It would be odd to insist on staying in a room without hot water, so I shared the situation with Yeonseo.“They said the hot water in our room isn’t working, so we need to move to a different room. Is that okay?”There was no reason for it not to be. After confirming Yeonseo’s slow nod, I spoke into the phone.“Okay, please go ahead with the change. Should we move our luggage ourselves?”After all, this was a five-star hotel, so I figured they might offer some convenience since we had to move due to an issue on their part. As expected, they immediately said they’d send someone to our room to help. After ending the call, we stopped by the lobby to exchange the keys, and all that was left was to head to our new room.“We apologize for the inconvenience. We’ve upgraded your room.”I couldn’t help but chuckle bitterly at the staff member, who seemed so nervous, possibly due to the image they had of me from TV, fearing that I might angrily demand how they dared inconvenience a guest. How badly have I lived my life to end up like this? I tried several times to reassure them that it was really fine, but it didn’t seem to help at all.“Well, then, I hope you have a pleasant stay.”The staff’s voice trembled weakly until the end, making me feel like a villain.‘Even when we checked in… Sigh.’Despite the reservation being under Jo Yeonseo’s name, they insisted on contacting me using the number I’d provided for service information during check-in. It was clear they were wary of me.‘They usually contact the person who made the reservation.’Maybe they thought it would be easier to pass the information through me, the husband who appeared calm and easygoing, rather than risk a scene with Yeonseo. Given Lee Suhan’s reputation for creating dramatic moments on TV without fear of playing the villain, their concern wasn’t entirely unreasonable.Honestly, if you’re going to work in a profession that puts you in the public eye, you should behave well. With a sigh, I slipped through the door that Yeonseo had opened for me and quickly inserted the keycard into the holder. As soon as the soft lighting in the room flickered on, Yeonseo, who had entered before me, suddenly stopped in his tracks.“Oh.”I also let out a short exclamation, surprised by the unexpected situation.“……”We both stood there in silence, staring blankly at the scene before us. It was no wonder. We hadn’t realized what they meant by “upgrade.” The room’s overtly suggestive interior made me cover my mouth and drop my gaze to the floor. After a moment of silence, I spoke first.“Let’s eat what we brought first. It’ll get cold.”I deliberately avoided looking at the bedroom as I walked over to the sitting area, placing the bags of food we’d bought on the table. Soon after, Yeonseo shuffled over like a malfunctioning bipedal robot, clearly trying hard not to glance back at the bedroom. I pulled out a chair, set the table with the food and utensils, and stood up, prompting him to rise again as if to do something.“Oh, I was going to wash my hands.”“Oh.”He nodded as if he understood and followed me.“Then I’ll….”Not that it seemed like a good idea… We headed to the bathroom without saying anything, only to be rendered speechless again by the room’s equally suggestive design. While luxury hotel suites cater to a wide range of guests, there was no mistaking what type of clientele this room was designed for.Rose petals scattered across the bed and bathroom, a set of exotic-scented bath salts, silk robes that clung to every curve of the body, and a high-end massage gel, allegedly formulated to match the viscosity of bodily fluids. And to top it all off, a spa whirlpool right in the middle of the living room connected to the bedroom.It was a room so explicit that it was clearly designed for newlyweds or a honeymoon.I deliberately avoided looking at the secondary bathtub in the bathroom as I washed my hands at the sink. Even the disposable soap provided smelled different from what I’d encountered in our previous room. It seemed they had switched the scents in this room to match its romantic—read: erotic—theme. As I awkwardly dried my hands with a towel and returned to the table, Yeonseo staggered over with a mentally exhausted expression.“Let’s… eat first and think about it later.”In the silence that followed, the first food we opened was crispy, pan-fried sorghum rice cakes. They were a must-try according to the market vendors, who had practically forced them on us, and even though they had cooled a bit on the way, they were delicious.“The lady at the first stall was really proud of her cooking, and it’s clear why.”The sweet, crispy, and savory taste was so enticing that it briefly erased the earlier commotion from my mind. As I suddenly mentioned this, Yeonseo seemed to ponder something for a moment before nodding, prompting me to quickly add:“Oh, I didn’t mean I wanted you to make it at home.”He looked at me with wide eyes, as if surprised that I knew what he was thinking. That’s why it’s so tempting to tease him when he reacts like that. Suppressing the urge, I continued:“I just meant that you really enjoy making things for me….”It was an arrogant statement, to say the least. Instead of saying, “I enjoy and appreciate the food you make,” it came off more like, “You enjoy feeding me, so I eat it.” Despite the potentially insulting tone, he simply tilted his head and asked:“Does that mean it’s not something you’d want to eat again?”Suppressing a laugh, I replied:“No, that’s not it. I just meant there’s no need to go out of your way.”“It’s no trouble, so it’s fine.”When he’s so accommodating, it’s no wonder I end up saying arrogant things like that. I resisted the sudden urge to pinch his soft cheek.“Well, whatever works for you.”Nodding lightly, I opened the second dish: samgyeopsal rolls. It wasn’t a particularly unique local snack but rather a popular street food that had gained fame after appearing on TV, leading to many imitators. It didn’t look particularly appetizing, but the smell of grilled meat had been so irresistible when we passed the stall that I’d impulsively bought a portion.“Hmm….”However, as soon as I opened the packaging, regret washed over me. From a distance, the smell wasn’t noticeable, but up close, the meat had a strong off-putting odor and looked tough. Still, since I’d bought it, I figured I should at least try a bite. I used the knife provided to cut it into bite-sized pieces for both Yeonseo and me.“Thank you for the food.”I said a brief, unclear thanks to no one in particular before picking up a piece with my chopsticks and popping it into my mouth.‘I’m screwed.’The meat was completely unseasoned, and the cabbage filling was not only unidentifiable in flavor but also just painfully spicy. What were they even trying to accomplish? Had they never tasted their own food? If they had, they couldn’t possibly charge this much for unseasoned, foul-smelling meat and cabbage so spicy it numbed the tongue. I immediately put down my chopsticks and spat out the inedible piece into a napkin.“…I’m sorry.”An apology slipped out naturally. Everything Yeonseo had made for me up until now had been so delicious that I thought I’d lost my sense of taste along with my memory. But it wasn’t that—I just hadn’t realized how good everything he made really was.Yeonseo silently chewed and swallowed one piece, then reached for another. Surprised, I quickly blocked him with my chopsticks.“No, this doesn’t taste good. You don’t have to force yourself to eat it.”Despite my attempt to stop him, he glanced at my expression, then resolutely bypassed my chopsticks to pick up the piece at the edge.“It’s fine. It’s edible.”Edible? This tastes horrible. Calling this food was an insult to the culinary industry.“No, don’t eat it.”“It’s fine.”“No, I’m not fine with it.”At that, he stared at me with a genuinely puzzled look.“I’d appreciate it if you could tell me exactly why it bothers you that I’m eating this.”Was that even a question? Without hesitation, I answered as if it were obvious.“It tastes bad. This is an insult to the ingredients.”I wasn’t just channeling Lee Suhan from a TV show, spouting off harsh words. This was the truth. Even hospital food, notorious for being bland, tasted better than this. While I may be clueless about cooking, I do enjoy eating enough to confidently say: this is bad. No one would argue otherwise.‘Come to think of it, there didn’t seem to be any locals or shopkeepers around, only tourists.’First-timers might give it a try, curious if it’s any good, but anyone who’s tasted it before would likely never come back. The flavor was that off-putting. While I silently raged about this, Yeonseo swallowed the second piece without any sign of discomfort and reached for a third.“It’s not that bad. Since there’s nowhere convenient to dispose of it, I’ll just eat it.”See? He’s claiming it’s fine, but it’s clearly not. The idea that he would eat it just to avoid wasting it was ridiculous. I stared at him, eyes wide in disbelief, as if he were a peculiar creature, and mumbled:“Honestly, until now, I never really understood why someone would be dissatisfied with having such a cute, pretty, handsome, and well-mannered husband like you.”Yeonseo looked at me with a puzzled expression, not grasping what I was saying. I decided to throw out a mean remark, knowing full well it was an immature thing to say, but I didn’t want to hold back.“If you say you’ll eat something just to avoid it becoming food waste in front of a foodie, do you think they’ll like it or hate it?”If I were my past self, Lee Suhan, I’d probably be furious, thinking, ‘How dare you insult me like this?’ But as I am now, I just found it odd, though I still thought it was reasonable to be upset. He was treating this like a chore, just eating it to avoid waste. Then, as if realizing something, he looked at me with a sheepish expression.“That… might be true….”His face, as if he’d been hit with a revelation, was so pitiful that I had to lower my head to suppress a laugh. Yet, he stubbornly ate the last piece and put down his chopsticks, refusing to back down.“Thank you for the food.”But he clearly didn’t digest it well, looking uncomfortable. At first, I couldn’t understand why he insisted on eating it, but after considering his perspective, I kind of got it.He didn’t want to throw away something I’d excitedly bought because it looked good. He didn’t want to feel guilty about failing to pick a good dinner and leaving us with nothing to eat. So, he forced himself to eat something that was probably as unpleasant to him as it was to me. I couldn’t be sure, but that’s how it seemed.In the end, I used the excuse of going to the convenience store downstairs to leave for a bit. The store didn’t have a wide selection of medicines, but luckily, they had some digestive aids. I bought a box of digestive medicine and a bottle of water and headed back up. When I returned, he was lying on the sofa with an extra blanket over him, eyes closed.“I got some medicine. Don’t let it upset your stomach—take it. Or go to the bathroom and throw up if you need to.”When I gestured toward the bathroom, Yeonseo shook his head. Of course, I wouldn’t want to vomit in a bathroom scented so sweetly and romantically either… But if he didn’t handle it properly, it could get worse. I grabbed his hand and pulled him up.“Why are your hands so cold? You’re definitely upset. If it’s uncomfortable with me here, I can step out for a bit.”Anyway, he liked me enough to force down terrible food just to avoid making me feel uncomfortable, so of course, he wouldn’t want to show me something as embarrassing as throwing up in front of me. When I grabbed his hand, he flinched in surprise but quickly shook his head.“No, I’m fine.”“Then at least take the medicine.”Finally, he nodded weakly and accepted the medicine and water I offered. He swallowed it, his prominent Adam’s apple bobbing in a way that somehow didn’t quite match his delicate face, and then he let out a short sigh.“Why don’t you lie down in bed instead of staying here? You could even just lean back against the headboard.”He nodded again and unsteadily made his way to the bed. I quickly moved ahead of him, cleared away the towels folded into rose and swan shapes, and pulled back the sheet-covered blanket to make a spot for him. He obediently leaned against the bed, flinching slightly as he closed his eyes. I lay down next to him, watching his face, worried that he might still be feeling unwell.After about 30 minutes, Yeonseo seemed to have relaxed a bit, likely due to the medicine taking effect. When he suddenly realized that I was lying right next to him, he looked startled, as if asking with his eyes how long I had been there watching him.“Don’t worry about me. It’s not like I’m out of place or anything. It’s perfectly normal for a spouse to stay by their partner’s side when they’re not feeling well.”His cheeks instantly turned a bright red, as if they had been painted with crimson.“No, it’s not that bad….”He looked around the room, seemingly searching for a way to escape. If there had been two beds like the one we used last night, he probably would have bolted to the other one. But unfortunately (or fortunately?), this room only had one large bed, likely a king size. In other words, we’d have to share the same bed.“Why? Do you not want to sleep in the same bed as me?”When I asked, seeing right through him, he became flustered and avoided my gaze. He bit his lip, lowered his head, and then, as if fleeing, placed his feet on the floor and quickly put on the jacket he had left on the hanger before heading for the door.“…? Where are you going?”I was so taken aback that I couldn’t even stop him. As I got up to follow him, he quickly opened the door and, leaving a brief remark, closed it behind him.“…I’ll just take a short walk.”What was he doing? I stared at the closed door for a long time, feeling like a dog that had lost its bone.He didn’t return until morning. I sent him messages, but he didn’t reply. I tried calling, but he didn’t pick up. It wasn’t until dawn that he sent a message apologizing for worrying me and saying he’d be back in the morning. What was this guy thinking? What did he want from me? I waited for him to return, fuming with anger. I was so mad that I couldn’t even fall asleep. The time I spent sitting on the sofa in the living room, waiting for him with wide-open eyes, felt endless.When he finally entered the room in the morning with the sound of the door opening, I sarcastically asked what he had been thinking coming back now, but he just apologized, avoiding my eyes and looking even gloomier than before.I couldn’t believe how irritating it was to hear him say he was sorry. Don’t just say sorry—explain why you’re sorry and why you did what you did. In the end, I couldn’t hold back and raised my voice, but he just turned his head away and kept his mouth shut. The fact that he avoided not just an explanation but the conversation altogether was infuriating.Part of me wanted to say forget it and just take a taxi home, but I was scared that doing so would completely sever the small connection we had begun to build. It enraged me that I was holding back and watching his every move because of that fear. He liked me, and I liked him, but I was at a loss for words because of this senseless behavior, caused by someone who felt like me and yet not me. I had no idea what to do.So, on the way back to Seoul, I stubbornly didn’t say a word and stared out the window. He didn’t speak to me either unless necessary, so the car was enveloped in an uncomfortable silence.But the real peak of that miserable atmosphere was yet to come.The morning after returning to Seoul, he had made breakfast as usual before leaving. I deliberately set the entire plate in the sink. If he hated sharing a bed with me that much, I didn’t want to eat the food he made either. It was a childish way for adults to fight, but I couldn’t think of any other way to show how extremely angry I was.That evening, Yeonseo came home, and instead of preparing dinner, he went into the room, left his jacket, and came back out with an envelope in hand. I had been eagerly waiting to see how he would react to the breakfast I had tossed into the sink.But he didn’t even glance at the kitchen. It was like he didn’t care at all about what we’d have for dinner. Maybe after all the chaos over the weekend, he was done with the idea of cooking together. I wasn’t even curious about what was in the envelope and was about to shove it aside, but he stood there, looking as if he was waiting for me to open it, so I had no choice but to open it.And there it was, printed right at the top of the document I pulled out—a word that made my jaw drop.<Application for Divorce by Mutual Consent.>I was momentarily speechless. Would anyone believe it if I said the reason for the divorce was that I nursed my husband, who got sick from eating food I bought, thinking it would be good? Of course, the document only briefly stated that both parties had agreed to divorce, nothing more.I felt like I had been hit over the head. It was like watching someone else’s life unfold. It was so surreal that I wondered if this was some sort of joke, but we weren’t close enough to be playing such pranks on each other.No matter how I looked at it, the events over the weekend didn’t seem serious enough to warrant this. I pressed my forehead with the back of my hand and swallowed a sigh. Or maybe something had been building up over time. Or perhaps he had wanted to leave me for a while but had been waiting for an opportunity because I held too much influence at work. Now that I wasn’t performing well at the office, was he trying to take this chance to cut ties? No matter how I thought about it, I couldn’t make sense of it.Feeling overwhelmed, I clenched my brows, my lips moving slightly before I finally managed to speak.“Yeonseo, I’m really confused right now… Did I do something to upset you?”Was it because I kept telling him not to eat the terrible food that should have been thrown out as garbage? Or because I got him medicine and took care of him when he got sick? Or was it because I dragged him all the way to Gangneung? I felt like I would at least feel better if I could hear a reason. But instead of the answer I wanted, he said something else.“That’s not it. I…”Yeonseo seemed like he wanted to say more, but I couldn’t bear to listen to any more of his nonsense. He’d probably just say it was all his fault and that it was for my sake.“If that’s not it, then just say it clearly.”And at that moment, the dam I had been ignoring broke, and I felt it give way.“Just come out and say it. You worthless bastard, you should’ve just died back then, but no, your stubborn life just wouldn’t end. I thought you’d leave on your own, so why are you clinging to this house with such thick skin? Just say it.”Ever since I woke up in that unfamiliar hospital room, an uncontrollable anxiety had been holding me back. Is it okay for me to exist in such a useless state? What if my memory never returns? The pressure that had followed me like a shadow, making me feel like my very existence was being denied, collapsed like a landslide. He looked deeply hurt, as if he hadn’t expected me to react so sharply.“No, that’s not what I meant…”I didn’t give him a chance to speak further and pressed on.“Then what is it? You knew I’m an orphan with no family to rely on, right? I can’t even go to work because there’s nothing in my head. There are so many people who recognize me that I can’t even go anywhere. Is kicking someone out as soon as they become useless your thing?”Why the hell did he look so torn apart when I was the one who got stabbed out of nowhere? Though I lashed out at him, what was really spilling out were the anxieties I had been holding inside. With a face full of resignation, he bit his lip and finally responded.“Hyung was unhappy throughout our marriage because of me. It wasn’t your fault; it was mine. So now…”“Oh, so what you’re saying is you want to get divorced not because you want to, but for my sake?”When I spat out my sarcasm, he nodded as if he was on the verge of tears. Ha. I twisted my lips into a bitter smile and let out a laugh.“But Jo Yeonseo. You seem to have a huge misunderstanding. I have no intention of getting divorced. I’m not leaving this house either.”Yeah, I get it—you’re madly in love with that damned Lee Suhan. But does that mean it’s okay to treat the current me like this just for the sake of some Suhan I don’t even remember? Is it fine to not explain anything and just tell me it’s for my own good because everything will go back to normal once my memory returns? Am I just someone you can brush off with a quick ‘this is how it is’ because I’ll be overwritten by the same name later? I poured out all of this at him, as he stood there with that pitiful face, looking at me like he was the tragic protagonist of some sad story.“There might be things about me that you don’t like, and maybe you’re hoping I’ll recover my memory soon and get out of your life. But just because I might seem like a half-baked version of Lee Suhan doesn’t mean I’m some fake who doesn’t deserve to exist. What to do? I have no intention of getting a divorce. So don’t even think about saying you’re doing this for my sake. I don’t want it.”With that, I didn’t hesitate and tore the document in half, lengthwise.“So you should stop using me as an excuse to do what you really want.”I wasn’t sure what kind of pathetic outburst this was, but the one thing I was sure of was that even in the middle of all this, he still liked me, and he didn’t want to be hated by me. If only he wouldn’t just quietly try to run away, I’d be willing to be good to him. Once I started pouring out everything that had been pent up inside, I couldn’t stop.I fled into the room, and Yeonseo didn’t try to stop me. It wasn’t surprising; he had always spoken politely and respectfully, even mixing in a little bit of informal speech now and then, but now I had broken down all limits and thrown venomous words at him in informal language.How did I speak to him in the past? Did I whisper to him politely and gently, or did I casually toss out informal words, unlike what one might see on TV? Those were things I could never know—only he would remember.‘Why don’t you just tell me?’And then what? Was he expecting me to jump for joy when he handed me divorce papers, saying, “This is for you,” like he was sending a cocktail over to a stranger’s table? The more I thought about it, the more my insides twisted. I was so worked up that I forgot my hunger and clutched my head when I suddenly heard a knock on the door.“…Don’t skip your meals. I’ll leave it here.”The faint rustling noises I had been hearing weren’t coming from some other apartment; they were coming from our kitchen.I stubbornly ignored him for 30 minutes before finally opening the door to find a bowl of cold chicken porridge sitting there. The thought of him cleaning and cooking a chicken, making broth, and simmering it in a pressure cooker, only to shred the meat and present it to me in a bowl, made me feel ridiculous.Even after hearing such harsh words, he still put in the effort to make a meal for the person who had verbally shredded him to pieces and then ran off. And yet, he had the nerve to suggest a divorce. The fact that I was both the same person as the Lee Suhan he loved so much and at the same time not the same person had never felt more miserable. I had been the one to brutally wound him with my words, but it was also me who felt like I had been slashed into pieces.I stubbornly ate the cold porridge, finishing the entire bowl, and then set it down on the sink with a loud clatter. The breakfast I had thrown away earlier in protest was already cleaned up. What was he thinking as he cleaned that up? As I ate the porridge he had left, I wished I could disappear.A little while later, I gathered my thoughts and stood in front of the bedroom door. I considered waiting until tomorrow to talk, thinking the tension from our earlier argument might still be lingering, but I knew if I didn’t do it now, I’d just back down. I had spoken rashly, and there was no taking back what I had said. I couldn’t keep pretending, couldn’t keep ignoring things, and hope that some future version of myself would take care of it. So, just like he had done earlier, I knocked on the bedroom door.“I ate it. I’m sorry for speaking harshly earlier.”There was no response from inside, but I continued speaking anyway.“It was wrong of me to lash out, and I want to apologize for that. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay for the current me to be ignored. No matter what you think, Yeonseo, I like you, Jo Yeonseo. I don’t want you to pretend you don’t know that.”What kind of confession is this, with no mood at all? I stifled a sigh and drove the point home.“…But it seems like you only like the old Lee Suhan, not me. Honestly, it’s kind of upsetting. It feels like you’re treating me like a fake, doesn’t it? And just so you know, I’m not saying this to hear any more excuses. It’s just… how I feel. So be prepared.”From inside, I heard the sound of something being knocked over, rolling under the bed, and hitting the floor. I barely managed to suppress a laugh and said,“I’m going to start trying to win my husband over from now on.”He seemed quite surprised, but I was just as unsettled. Was this the right thing to do? No one could know the answer. Not knowing the answer, and not knowing what even the near future held, all that was left was to move forward. If I didn’t want to remain stuck in the same place, I would have to leave the comfortable ground I was standing on. If I didn’t want to keep missing each other like we were walking on parallel lines, I would have to change direction and veer off the safe path I’d been on until now.Some people find comfort in meticulously designed patterns, with no room for error, but there are others who want to disrupt that perfect regularity. I wasn’t some rebellious teenager going through a stormy adolescence, yet I wanted to veer off from the path someone else was pushing in front of me, saying, ‘This is the better way for you.’So I should do that. I didn’t want to hesitate any longer. As they say, moments pass in the blink of an eye, and the crossroads of life come at you mercilessly when you’re least able to respond rationally.‘It’s a miracle that you were only hurt to this extent and can still recover.’There was no guarantee that the same miracle would happen twice.I let out a short sigh and returned to my room, locking the door behind me. I didn’t want to think about anything right now. A mix of guilt and shame for venting my anger, along with a slight sense of relief, came rushing in. But even if I were given the chance to go back three hours, I wouldn’t have reversed my decision. So all I could do was keep moving forward.As soon as I closed my eyes, I felt sleep wash over me. It was the best escape I could ask for.* * *Meanwhile, Yeonseo, holed up in the bedroom, covered his face with his large, elegant hands and held his breath for a moment. Even as he held his breath until his lungs screamed, trying to escape from reality, nothing changed. His heart, sliced open by words, didn’t bleed a drop. It wasn’t a big deal. After all, he was always most skilled at digging into people’s hearts. Only those who have been deeply wounded know how to inflict the most fatal wounds.That night when he fled from the hotel room, he had climbed into his car and started the engine without a destination. He felt he had to run away, no matter where. Each of Suhan’s kind words and gentle actions were sweet temptations he knew he must never fall for. From the moment he first learned the shocking truth that Suhan had lost all his memories, he had resolved to hold firm, but he had to get away before that resolve wavered.He would never be happy while being with him. The man standing before him couldn’t know how many agonizing moments it took to accept that simple truth. He didn’t know why Yeonseo had come to hate him, or why that hatred had to be so fierce. Not knowing this, he was making wrong choices. So before this relationship could spiral into an irreparable disaster, Yeonseo had to control himself. The moment he gave in to this sweet temptation, he would cross a river he could never return from.Driving aimlessly, the car soon arrived at a familiar place. It was the mansion he had pretended not to know earlier in the day, feigning ignorance as if it were his first time there. With no caretaker on-site unless specifically contacted, Yeonseo opened the front door without hesitation and stepped inside.He unlocked the iron door leading to the entrance with his fingerprint and entered the interior, which had maintained much the same appearance as before. The grand leather sofa with its stately charm and the ornate antique furniture, supposedly used by some royal household, were all still there. Only the electronics had been updated, reflecting the passage of time. Upon closer inspection, even the wallpaper had faded over time, and a similar but new pattern had replaced the old one.At a glance, nothing seemed to have changed, but the more he looked, the more the differences became apparent. Yeonseo started to walk through the living room towards the garden but stopped when he saw his reflection in a mirror, illuminated by the dim moonlight.“……”He was no longer a young child in elementary school. He had grown over a foot taller and was no longer so thin that his bones stuck out or so frail that he seemed about to collapse at any moment. It wasn’t just Yeonseo who had changed completely; Suhan had too. Although a close examination revealed that they were the same person, the childlike appearance from those days was long gone.‘Tell me about your first love, teacher.’When Suhan had pulled out a chair and sat down, awkwardly asking that silly question, Yeonseo had recalled a time when Suhan, dressed appropriately for his age, sat in the same seat. Elementary school classes usually ended in the morning, and in the afternoons, with nothing to do, Yeonseo would make up excuses to the housekeeper about going to the playground with friends, and instead, he would head to Suhan’s classroom.In urban schools, the gates are usually locked during classes to keep out intruders, or a security guard is stationed at the entrance, but at the small school where the student population was soon expected to drop below triple digits, there was no such detailed security or personnel. If no classes were being held, the playground often turned into a local kids’ hangout, so it wasn’t unusual to see Yeonseo, who was nearly a foot shorter than most kids, walking across the playground towards the school.If he climbed one flight of stairs through the lax security that no one really bothered with, Suhan’s classroom was right there. Class 1-2. Standing on tiptoe at the shoe rack, Yeonseo could easily spot him through the window without much effort. Always taller and more developed than his classmates, Suhan always sat in the back row.With a bored expression, as if he already knew everything being taught, Suhan often got called to the front to write on the board for the teacher. Watching his neat handwriting appear on the board, Yeonseo could lose track of time. Though he could only imagine what Suhan’s voice sounded like, having to settle for just watching him silently from outside the window, that was a moment sweeter than any playtime for Yeonseo.He was always exceptional, never stumped by any problem. It was natural for him to never lose the top spot and fulfill his role as the model student. To Yeonseo, he seemed like the second coolest person in the world. It didn’t take long for that “second” to become the “first.” Just as the living can’t surpass the strong impression left by the deceased, the dead also can’t surpass those who are alive, breathing, and present by your side.‘Remember, Yeonseo, you shouldn’t bother Suhan too much. Suhan is close, but he’s not family, so you can’t cling to him like you do with your brother.’Yeonseo had already learned that early on. Suhan didn’t hug him warmly like his brother did, didn’t smile every time their eyes met, and didn’t secretly give him treats like chocolate or candy. When Yeonseo crept into Suhan’s room late at night, frightened by ghost stories he’d heard during the day, Suhan didn’t welcome him eagerly. Instead, he’d let out a long sigh, speak in a voice tinged with irritation, and begrudgingly let him stay, only to send him back once he’d calmed down.Young Yeonseo desperately wanted Suhan’s approval. He wanted to be loved, cherished, and adored. With a bitter smile, Yeonseo opened the door leading to the terrace, reflecting on how that childish wish had somehow led him to this point after such a long and winding road. The terrace, neatly laid out with decking, connected to a path that led down to the beach below. Using the moon hanging high in the sky as his light, Yeonseo walked down the path to the sandy shore, where the white sand crumbled beneath his feet.“……”Beyond the now tranquil waves, calm as if a storm had never passed through, a familiar island stood. It looked close enough to touch, yet it was an uninhabited island that couldn’t be reached by swimming and took more than ten minutes by boat. Though Yeonseo had lived in this house for years, he had never once set foot on that island. The adults had rented a local fisherman’s boat to take him there once, but he had stubbornly refused to set foot on the island, simply because he was afraid.At that time, Suhan had clicked his tongue with a tired expression, hidden from the adults. Yeonseo hadn’t heard the sound, but he knew it for sure.