ALL NOVEL
Chapter 342
* * *
「Demon Realm Summoning Progression: 09%」
「Human Realm Invasion Progression: 11%」
With the successful defense of the Empire and the defeat of Ashvka, both the summoning of the Demon Realm and the progress of the invasion had slowed to a crawl.
The fragments of the magic circle near the Empire had been destroyed, and thanks to the efforts of the rest of the soldiers, the remaining demons in the Empire had been driven out. All Cadel could do for the quest in the Empire was to cheer on the knights of other countries.
After the battle, the waiting knights followed Ector’s lead and found a tavern in a nearby village. Since most of the Guardian Knight Order had gone on a scouting expedition, the only people in the restaurant were the Scarlet Scales Knight Order, Ector, Dreyfe, and about ten other members of the battalion.
“Eat well, Sir Cadel! I’ve asked the owner of this tavern to take special care of Sir Cadel’s food since I’m acquainted with him.”
“Haha, thank you. My mouth is watering just looking at it.”
The mountain of risotto was an overwhelming visual that made Cadel sigh rather than salivate, but he smiled graciously and accepted Ector’s offer.
Cadel took a large bite of risotto and surveyed the group. Van and Lumen grumbled to each other about how “bland” the food was, and Lydon, who had added salt to his food instead of sugar, took a bite and casually switched bowls with the person next to him. With a new mask in place, Garuel mingled with the other knights in the drunken revelry.
Cadel’s brow furrowed as he took in the lively atmosphere.
‘Where’s Yozen?’
His eyes scanned the tavern, but there was no sign of Yozen anywhere.
‘Maybe he avoided the crowds.’
It was possible, as he hated crowds. After a couple of risotto chews, Cadel nodded to Ector and rose to his feet. He motioned for the group to rise with him and slipped out of the tavern.
“Yozen? Are you around?”
He looked around the back of the tavern and into the nearby alley, calling out to Yozen, but there was no answer. Yozen had disappeared many times before, but rarely did he fail to answer when called. As he walked away from the tavern, feeling nervous, Cadel saw the familiar back of a figure squatting in front of a private house.
‘What is he doing there?’
Whether he realized Cadel was approaching or not, Yozen remained frozen in his crouched position. Cadel’s eyes widened as he spotted something beyond his ever-so-slightly closer back. It was a cat. Pale gray fur, blue eyes, and a wary stare.
Yozen was holding out his hand in front of it, and what he was holding was a bowl of food of unknown origin.
‘Is he trying to feed it?’
If so, it would be best not to approach any further. Cadel decided to watch him feed the cat from a distance.
Yozen moved his hand slightly, as if gauging the cat’s position, and held out the bowl. The cat curled up on its back, alert and aware of the smell of the food, but didn’t leave.
Yozen was thinking that if he left the bowl in the right place, the cat would eat it. But then he miscalculated the distance and threw the bowl right in front of the cat’s eyes. The cat yelped and slapped the bowl with its front paws, causing the food to spill out of the spilled bowl.
The sensitive stray turned and ran away. Yozen’s lips parted slightly in a faint smile as he realized what was happening. After a moment’s pause, Yozen felt around the ground for the bowl and rubbed the surface ruefully. Cadel took a step forward.
“It’s all spilled.”
“……Yeah.”
Yozen didn’t seem surprised by Cadel’s sudden words, as if he’d already noticed the change in Cadel’s demeanor. Cadel stared at the thin, white face that was now covered in bandages.
“Do you like animals?”
“Not really.”
“You don’t like them that much, but you brought stray cat food?”
“Because animals are small and fragile.”
Yozen didn’t like them, but they were small and weak, and he wanted to take care of them. Cadel smiled slightly, having deduced his meaning from his short answer.
“You’re nice.”
“…….”
“But why don’t you take care of your meal first? I know you’ve been fighting a lot, and I’ll bring it to you separately if you’re not comfortable with the crowd.”
With that, Cadel turned to leave for the tavern, but Yozen, who had remained silent, grabbed him by the wrist.
“What’s wrong……?”
A curious gaze flicked to Yozen’s side. His expression was neither his usual smile nor his usual languid mood. He looked a little troubled, even upset. As Cadel stared at Yozen in bewilderment, Yozen made an even more baffling statement.
“Don’t bother.”
“……What?”
“What I’m saying is, don’t bother with every little thing.”
It was surreal. A wall that Cadel thought he’d been slowly breaking down with Yozen for over a year had suddenly risen up and stood in his way.
Cadel, frozen by the sudden attack, was about to say something. Yozen lowered his head and muttered.
“I get scared every time you do that.”
“What do you mean you get scared……. What are you talking about all of a sudden?”
Was he too possessive? Yozen liked to be left alone. He was probably used to doing things his own way, so he was uncomfortable with Cadel’s sudden intervention in his life, trying to take care of things for him.
Maybe he was a good person and hadn’t been able to express his discomfort in time, and it just happened to burst out today, at this moment.
The consideration that had been given previously might have become a burden to Yozen. At least that was how it was perceived by Cadel, who was told by his favorite subordinate ‘I’m scared of you’.
“Did I bother you too much? I’m sorry if that’s the case, I guess I crossed the line by wanting to be close. It’s okay, so if you really don’t like it, just say you hate it…….”
“I hate it.”
Cadel’s expression hardened at the expected rejection. The corner of his mouth twitched up in an attempt to sound nonchalant, but it quickly dropped. Cadel looked at Yozen’s shaking head and the wrist he held, his lips dry.
The pressure on his wrist grew stronger, but Cadel didn’t notice. The words Yozen spat out were more disturbing than the grip on his wrist.
“……You hate it?”
“Yes, I hate it. I hate your consideration. I hate what you give me.” As Yozen’s quiet voice continued, Cadel felt his heart drop. Yozen hated his consideration? Hated it enough to say it so bluntly? He couldn’t believe it. If this was true, then what was all the kindness Yozen had shown him all this time? Was it just a fa?ade of politeness? Was he reveling in the growing distance he’d kept to himself?
It had only been a moment ago that he had smiled as he watched him feed the stray cat. It had only been a moment ago that he had prided himself on knowing Yozen’s warmth better than anyone else.
Cadel stiffened, took a quick breath, followed Yozen to the ground, and wrapped Yozen’s hand around the back of his wrist.
“Tell me the reason, Yozen.”
“…….”
“If you just don’t like my consideration, then there’s something wrong with me. Even if I can’t be a perfect commander, I don’t want to be an annoying commander.”
Though he could barely contain himself at the sudden shock, he realized that Yozen must have been holding it in for a long time and it had finally burst. If so, he couldn’t let his feelings take precedence over Yozen’s own, and he couldn’t lash out at him or make a scene. His subordinates would always be his priority, no matter what.
He rubbed the back of Yozen’s hand soothingly and waited for an answer. The distance he’d worked so hard to close was closing at a moment’s notice, and he wondered if the man he’d thought he’d caught would run off to some faraway place. He relaxed, as if he were about to lose his mind with impatience, but pretended not to be. In front of Cadel, Yozen’s tightly pursed lips twitched.
“…… I’m afraid I’ll get used to it.”
“Which one?”
“I hate getting used to your consideration.”
What else did this mean? Cadel, who thought of reasons such as being too burdensome, unwanted consideration, or intrusive, was at a loss for words. Yozen, on the other hand, spilled out his feelings as if he were speaking after the fact.
“I like humans, I like their kindness, but I don’t expect it to be directed at me. It’s enough just to watch, to be affirmed that there is good in them. I’ve lived that way for a very long time.”
“…….”
“I mean, don’t ruin my life, I don’t want you to. Your words make me feel safe and free, and I want to do anything for you……. You’re making me rely on you, you’re making me weak, like I’m going to collapse without you by my side.”
His brow creased, his mouth twisted. Yozen looked genuinely displeased with all of this, and yet he didn’t let go of Cadel’s hand.
“When this fight is over, we’ll be separated. Don’t break me when we won’t be together forever. Let me live my life. I’ll still cooperate in the war even if you don’t take care of me.”
The words were spoken with a chilling vehemence that cracked Cadel’s otherwise relaxed expression, and when he stopped stroking the back of Yozen’s hand, he spoke in a tightly suppressed voice.
“If we’re not together forever, will all the memories I’ve made with you be rubbish?”
“…….”
“We’re not going to be together until the end, so I shouldn’t care? How is that possible? Isn’t it the other way around? If we can’t be together until the end, we have to make the best of every moment we have together. It’s natural to want to cling desperately because you don’t know when it’s going to end, and I want to take you all the way to the end…… Is that wrong? That it’s ruining your life?”
“We could break up at any moment, and you know that too, right? You always have to be prepared for a separation. So why be nice to me, why make me get used to it? No one has ever stuck by me until the end, and you’re no different. So don’t bother. Don’t make me think you’re someone special.”
“It’s not that I’m someone special……!”
A lump of emotion rose to the back of his throat. Cadel drew in a ragged breath as if to control it, and rested his forehead against the back of Yozen’s hand.
“It’s you, Yozen, who’s special. You, you’re so special to me…… I can’t help but love you. I want to be with you forever, but I don’t deserve it. This is the only thing I can give you.”
He closed his eyes tightly, as if in prayer. He knew that the future separation Yozen was referring to meant something else, that he was afraid of a repeat of the past relationships that had hurt him. But Cadel was also afraid of a future separation, and he wanted to let Yozen know how he felt.
Even if all feelings faded away with Cadel Lytos, and he left him in a world at peace. He wanted to give him nothing but love, to the point of exhaustion, so that he would have no regrets.
It was selfish of him not to consider the loss of those he left behind, but he was not a man great enough for them to feel the loss. Until they realized that, and only until then. He hoped they would remember the love he gave them and hold on.
“I can’t stop even if you don’t like it. ……My apologies.”
Yozen’s lips quivered at the apology. He twisted the back of Cadel’s heated hand, groping for his expression in the darkness where he could see nothing.
It wasn’t Cadel who didn’t deserve it. It was himself. He didn’t deserve to be loved. He was born that way. All the love that had passed through his fingers had been denied him, and all he could do was remember the echoes of it, and that was enough. He never wished for more. Because the moment he did, he knew he would be doomed to a life of misery.
Ever since he met Cadel, he was drawn to his warmth and repelled by it at the same time. Ever since he began to rely on him, to be swayed by his mood swings, to crave his attention. From the time his wildly racing heart calmed to a surprising calm with a single word from Cadel.
He was no longer a means to an end. A terrifying man with the power to change Yozen’s life forever if he chose to.
He wanted to push him away before Cadel figured this out, the fear that he might wield him, that he might wield him at will and discard him like garbage was too much to bear.
“Do you like me, Cadel?”
“I like you.”
“How? How could you like me? I’m a man who lives for the smell of blood every day. I’m a gloomy, depressing, uninteresting-looking, dark-energy-using, obnoxious bastard.”
He also wanted to be assured that he mattered to Cadel. That even if they couldn’t be together forever, Cadel would promise to be with him forever.
The love Cadel gave him was both fiercely frightening and affectionately needy, making Yozen want to push him away and hold on to him to keep him from going anywhere. He hated these contradictory feelings.
“I like your kindness, I like the way you remember every little thing.”
Cadel held Yozen’s hand as he traced his face with trembling fingertips, and brushed his lips against his knuckles. A warm sigh warmed his cold skin.
“I like your soothing voice, and I find it cute that you like people but are still reserved. Your strong convictions are cool, and it’s amusing that you’re an assassin yet you’re usually so mild-mannered. Sometimes it pisses me off that you’re so self-deprecating, but it makes me want to tell you over and over again.”
“…….”
“I like you because you are you, Yozen. Because you are you, I can love you.”
The only warmth Yozen could find was the dirty blood of sinners. On countless nights, over countless corpses, he thought vaguely.
What am I to do with you, who creeps up to me and reaches out to me?
“If you’re afraid of my love, I’ll give you a bigger love. I’ll get you used to it and make you feel like it’s not even a thing anymore. So…… it’s okay, don’t run away.”
He’d given up on being loved, but that didn’t mean he didn’t dream of being loved. But was it good or evil that kept him dreaming in denial of reality?
As he lifted his head with this vague question, a soft touch touched his closed eyelids, a gentle assurance of love from Cadel. Whatever the answer was, for now, he just needed to remember the weight of his words.