ALL NOVEL c014
When we get home, I tell Mom and Chinatsu that I want to talk to them for a bit. Mom sits down on the couch, while Chinatsu and I sit on a large floor cushion in front of her.
“Mom, can you set me an appointment with a psychologist?”
“I already told you I would, but are you sure you want to do this?”
“I know it’s going to be hard, but I have to do it. I thought about it a long time ago, but I was just too ashamed to ask about it. I already feel like I’m worthless. Yes, I know what you told me, but that’s how I feel. If I don’t do something about it, I think I’ll become just that, worthless. An emotional cripple who can’t function in society. I have no idea why I’m this way or how to fix myself. I know part of it is because I was picked on so much. Then add everything that’s happened to me lately, and I need help. I can’t do this on my own anymore. Even with Chinatsu, you and Dad, I need more than what you can do.”
I sigh and take a breath. Chinatsu takes my hand and leans her head on my shoulder.
“Yesterday, when we were shopping for swimsuits, I went to try on some of them while Chinatsu was still looking through the rack. When I came out to show her the one I wanted to choose, I couldn’t see her, and I almost lost it. Don’t get mad at Chinatsu. I told her I’d be fine since the fitting room was only a short distance away. The point is, I don’t want to live like this anymore.”
Tears begin spilling from my eyes in rivulets down my cheeks. I’m so frustrated and angry. I hate being so weak and afraid.
“I want to be able to live a normal life, where I don’t always freak out over the tiniest little thing. Today, I had a panic attack outside of the hospital. Simply because you dropped us off and there was a group of boys there in front of the hospital. They did nothing wrong, and yet, all I could see was that one boy’s leering face from the mall.”
I scrub away the rivers of tears as I say, “And then today, I find out that I’m literally a perfect, designer girl. The girl of every man's dreams. I am just done with it, you know? That tiny bit of thread I’ve been holding onto for dear life? Well, it just broke.”
I glance at Chinatsu, see that she’s crying, and lean over to hug her for a moment. Laying my head on her shoulder, I murmur, “It’s time we admit it. I’m broken. I have been for a long time. You know it, and I know it.” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m sorry. I just can’t pretend that everything’s alright anymore.” I sit up and gesture all around us. “This is so much bigger than us. I need help. I love you, you know I do, but I need more help than you can give me.”
Chinatsu simply looks at me, waiting for me to get it all out, and then leans in and kisses my cheek. “I know. Or I’ve known for a while now that you need more than just us to get you through this.” She pauses to smile at me, then quips, “Just who do you think you’re talking to, anyway?”
I chuckle and shake my head. “I love you.”
“I know. I love you, too,” she replies, and then we look at Mom.
“Oh, so I’m back in the conversation,” she says sarcastically, which gets us giggling. Once we contain ourselves, she says, “So, doctor appointment, soon, got it.”
“Thank you, and yes, sooner is better.”
She nods. “So, lunch or nap?”
Chinatsu and I both answer, “Lunch.”
Lunch is quick and easy. Diced, grilled chicken breast over steamed rice with mixed grilled veggies.
After helping with the clean-up, I’m more than ready for a long nap. We hug Mom, and I wearily trudge upstairs to my room with Chinatsu.
Closing the door behind us, we undress and slip on our nightgowns. I lay down, and she sits beside me.
“I’m sorry.”
I look puzzled when I ask, “Why?”
“Because I’ve known for a long time that you need help, but I never said anything, nor did I try to make you get help. I guess I was afraid that it might’ve made us grow apart.”
“Lay down with me,” I tell her as I pat the bed beside me. Once she’s situated, I continue, “I’m not all that great at saying what I mean, so I don’t know if this will come out right. So, here goes: I’ve always been afraid of you.”
“Me?”
“Well, not you, per se, but that you might abandon me one day. That said, I know you love me and wouldn’t…” I sigh because I’m getting frustrated that I can’t get what I’m trying to say to come out right. “You’re my favorite person in the whole world. Everyone else in it could disappear in the next second, but as long as you’re here with me, I’ll be fine. I’m dependent on you for support. I have been for a long, long time, and there’s nothing I can do about it. That’s why the thought of you leaving me alone scares me to death. I want to stay close to you, but I need to be able to stand on my own as well. If I can’t do that, I’m going to end up a basket case.”
She merely shrugs at my statement, then tells me, “You may not realize it, but I’m in the same boat as you. I’ve told you many times how important you are to me. No one means as much to me as you do. No matter what’s happened, you’ve always been there for me with a smile and a hug. You were my very first friend. Now, you’re not only my best friend, but my sister, too. Nothing will ever change that. I won’t allow it, I promise you, and I’ll always be here for you.” I merely nod and tightly hug her. “What do you say we table this for now and go to sleep? You’re exhausted.”
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A knock on my door wakes us, and then Mom says, “Girls, it’s time to get up. Sora, could you come help me with dinner when you’re ready?”
“Sure. I’ll be down in a few minutes.”
I sit up and stretch. I feel much better now. As I swing my legs over the edge of the bed, Chinatsu’s arms slide around my waist and pull me backward as she asks, “Just where do you think you’re going?”
“Wha…” I begin, but then it dawns on me. “Oh, sorry.” I spin in place and slip my arms around her. A few moments later, I let her go and say, “Let’s go. I have to help cook dinner.”
◇ ◆ ◇ ◆ ◇ ◆ ◇
After dinner, we’re all in the living room, where Dad asked us to gather.
“Sora, how are you feeling?” Dad asks me again, which I find confusing because he just asked me during dinner.
“I’m fine, Dad, just like I said.”
“I know I asked earlier, but I want to try to open the basement. Are you up for that?”
“Of course, Dad. It’s just opening the door, so it shouldn’t be a big deal.”
“I don’t want you to get upset, but there are going to be quite a few people there, okay?”
I shrug. “I should be fine with you there. Are we doing it now?”
“No, I need to make a call, so it’ll be in an hour or so.”
“No problem, just let me know when you’re ready.”
◇ ◆ ◇ ◆ ◇ ◆ ◇
A bit more than an hour later, the door intercom chimes, and Dad goes to answer it. When he comes back, he calls out, “Sora?”
I look over my shoulder when he calls my name, and I see an older man in a dark grey suit standing with him. Immediately, my stomach clenches, and the hair stands up on the back of my neck. If you can’t figure it out, I’m very anxious and leery of this man. Why, I have no idea, but I am.
Dad continues, “Would you come here, please?”
Saying that I’m hesitant to even talk to this man is a major understatement. Every instinct I have is screaming in my head for me to stay away from him, but I have no idea why, since I don’t remember meeting him.
Ignoring my intuition, I stand and slowly make my way over to them. When I’m about a meter away, I stop, and Dad says, “Sweetheart, this is Mr. Akiyama. He’s the director of Tokyo Genetics Research, the company Daiki and Ai worked for.”
“Pl… Ahem~ Excuse me. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Akiyama,” I state nervously. I hope a psychologist can help me. I hate feeling so nervous and awkward around people.
“I’m very pleased to finally meet you, Ms. Ito. … Uh, I mean, Ms. Kobayashi.”
He corrects himself quickly, but my eyes fly wide open, I tense up, and my heart rate skyrockets. All I can think is: ‘Finally meet me? He knows who I am! That can’t be good! I need to get away from him!’
At this point, I’m utterly terrified of this man. I don’t know why, exactly, but I am. All of my instincts are screaming at me to run. Tears are streaming from my eyes, making it hard to see. I back up until I bump into the couch, then lose all strength in my legs and fall to my knees. I feel like I can’t get enough air, even though I’m breathing hard and fast. I hear my Dad’s angry voice, but I can’t understand what he’s saying over the roaring in my ears. Then someone kneels in front of me and pulls me against them.