Vaudevillain

The two ancients paused in surprise after Rough’s announcement.

“I’m… sorry?” the old man said after a moment.

“You want… to eat… our Loqium?” The woman continued.

“That’s right,” Rough said as seriously as possible.

Riptide let loose a cough that sounded like a poorly covered laugh, which caused an upturn in Rough’s face. He held it together, turning the smile into a smirk of confidence.

The NPCs around the city stood frozen, perhaps because the governing AI had not expected such an answer. Eventually, it got its act together, and lines of guards filed out of the various houses. The two ancients’s faces turned from surprise to scorn.

“You wish to steal our most sacred of items?” the man said.

“For that, you shall pay with death,” the woman finished.

The guards moved in a line, presenting pointed spears that swirled with an ominous black energy. The front line held a row of shields up, resting the spears atop the protection.

“How drab,” Dr. Zlo said. “I was hoping to face something with more firepower.”

The villain lazily removed a button bomb and tossed it at the guards. Seeing the movement, the line of guards opened and a single man ran out. He grabbed the explosive, curling his body over it while his teammates moved away. The bomb exploded, taking the sacrificial guardsman but nothing else.

Dr. Zlo frowned, but before he could say anything, the backline of guards threw their spears. Riptide easily surfed out of the way, but Dr. Zlo’s captured dinosuar was too big a target. The weapons sunk through the lizard’s scales and dark energy swirled around it. The dinosaur made a keening noise, falling to the ground in a heap.

Rough rolled off the dead animal and sprung up with fists at the ready. Pan-Pan took a leap as the monster fell, flying over the line of guards and landing behind them. Dr. Zlo took to the skies, preparing his cane to disintegrate anyone foolish enough to test his power.

He didn’t get a chance as Rough and Pan-Pan tore into the enemies. The stone tank of a villain crashed through the flimsy shields, laughing as the ominous spears rebounded off his skin. Pan-Pan calmly grabbed the nearest guard by the arm and yanked, sending the man flying. She grabbed his spear as he flew past, taking it and idly tossing it at an incoming enemy. It flew like a bullet, piercing straight through the guard and into another behind.

“Dude, these guys are awesome!” Riptide laughed.

The surfer villain followed his words with a demonstration of his own power. Sweet Dream transformed an arm into chocolate, placing it below the surfboard for Riptide to ride. The villain used his upgraded power, surfing the chocolate at the guards. It splashed onto their left flank, sending the entire side into hallucinogenic bliss. Sweet Dream followed up by jumping off and transforming, her chocolate form splashing on top of as many as she could.

It was over in a few more seconds, the group easily dispatching the mundane enemies. However, in that time, the two ancients had retreated inside their temple, with more guards coming to face the villains.

“We best make our way up,” Rough said. “My bet is the Loqium will be in the center of the temple.”

“Probably protected by those two priests or something,” Sweet Dream said.

“Then forward my fiendish fiends!” Dr. Zlo cackled. “We have a metal to steal!”

Pan-Pan took the lead, rushing up the stairs two at a time while Rough followed behind at a slightly slower pace. Dr. Zlo overtook him with his rocket boots, coming up alongside Jack’s character and keeping pace. Sweet Dream transformed back, letting Riptide pick her up in a swoop.

They entered the top of the temple to see an empty hallway decorated with ornate statues.

“Dude, sweet,” Riptide said at the ambiance.

“I feel like we’re in a Iowa Jones movie,” Rough said.

“So, you’re saying there’s traps?” Sweet Dream asked.

“There’s always traps,” Pan-Pan said. “No self-respecting place of protection would go without. The question is, what kind?”

“Blast, I left my trap detector at home,” Dr. Zlo said. “No matter. Rough, be a dear and spring all the traps for us? I’m certain your protective casing will prevent all kinds of damage.”

“I’m not invincible,” Rough argued. “Besides, shouldn’t you have a minion or two available for such things?”

“You specifically hired me, not my minions,” Dr. Zlo said. “Minions cost extra.”

“Fine,” Rough said. “Stand back.”

The villain walked forward, body braced for impact. Instead, the ornate statues came to life, their carved faces in a permanent grin.

“Oh, this will be easy,” Dr. Zlo said. He pointed his cane, firing the spell he’d readied earlier. A beam of white lanced out, piercing the center of one of the statues. It fell to the ground in two pieces.

The other statues moved, rushing at the villains with outstretched arms. Rough barked a laugh and held an arm out. He ducked under the statue coming at him and flipped it. Shattered pieces of animated stone pinged across the floor, the firing gun for the rest to act.

Pan-Pan stepped forward, kicking out with a foot while twisting around the arms. The statue abruptly changed direction into the wall, breaking to pieces. The last statue swiped at Riptide, who laughed and surfed the arm. His board slammed right into the statue’s head, sending it falling to the ground. Pan-Pan finished it with a stomp.

“How droll,” Dr. Zlo said. “I expected something more magical than walking statues. I can whip one of those up in a heartbeat.”

The back of the hallway rumbled, revealing a set of hidden stairs leading downward.

“Well, nowhere to go but down,” Sweet Dream said.

“Lead the way, Rough!” Dr. Zlo pointed.

Rough gave Dr. Zlo a look, but started for the stairs. Pan-Pan followed behind with Dr. Zlo after. Riptide and Sweet Dream took the rear, the latter watching behind them for any surprises.

The stairs downward led to more hallway, the length covered in a series of holes. Rough scoffed and stepped forward. Instantly, one of the stones underneath sank, and a bevy of arrows fired from the wall. They pinged off Rough’s hardened skin, a few bouncing toward the rest. Pan-Pan picked them out of the air with impossible precision and dumped them in her inventory.

“Dude, what the heck is your power?” Riptide asked. “You threw a guy over a house and kicked a statue to pieces and now you’re fast enough to grab arrows of of the sky.”

“A lady shouldn’t reveal all her secrets,” Pan-Pan said with a wink.

Rough took another step, stopping the conversation as more arrows flew out. Again Pan-Pan grabbed any strays as the group moved through the hallway. This time it opened into a square room instead of stairs. Inside which stood more statues.

“Oh no,” Sweet Dream said. “This is going to be one of those dungeons.”

“Ah, but there is a certain elegance in throwing wave after wave of fodder at something,” Dr. Zlo said.

Sweet Dream snorted. “You would think that.”

“Are you insinuating something?” Dr. Zlo asked.

Sweet Dream shook her head. “Oh nooo. I’m not making any comments on your Jacques wave tactics. Not at all no siree.”

“At any other moment,” Dr. Zlo said. “I would strike you for that. But alas, I must save my energy for more appropriate matters. Such as these statues.”

The villain released a beam of energy from his monocle at a waking statue, and the fight was on.