Vaudevillain

Dylan practically vibrated in place as he watched the event play out on the screens in front of him. A timer below the screen counted the seconds until he could join in on the fun. It wasn’t counting down fast enough.

“Cass, remind me to invent a device that speeds up time,” Dr. Zlo muttered.

“Right, boss.”

The others below felt the same. Just watching the buildup as the heroes took on the first wave in a no holds barred assault had them giddy. And yet, the target of Dr. Zlo’s ire had yet to arrive. Dr. Dobro lay hidden in the city below, no doubt cowering in fear for the true protagonist to arrive.

Or, as both Dylan and the rest of his friends knew, Dr. Dobro would be waiting until the villain appeared so the two could hold a gigantic climactic battle that brought everyone together. Until then, however, Dr. Zlo would have to wait impatiently for a glimpse of his fated foe.

At least in the meantime he could watch the heroes and villains going at it on screen. Already, one of the morality machines had been commandeered by the heroes. Mr. Black had easily repelled the villainous assault on his tower, the player using his abilities to isolate villains for capture. Even his defenses were set up to trap and ensnare, thus ensuring his side gained more forces before the second wave came calling. Not that they would get more than three or four, but that was partly the point. Heroes and villains would have to pick and choose who to have on their side, then go about defending the machine as it worked.

Cowabunga was also having an easy time of it. His power was honestly broken, but Dylan wondered if anyone else would ever figure out the mechanics behind it. At it’s core, everything surfs sounded like such a stupid idea. But results didn’t lie, even now the hero was only struggling with one villain. Some sort of momentum redirector. Everything else just slid off the hero’s body like water off a duck’s back.

Yet despite Cowabunga’s early claim on the morality machine, the heroes still hadn’t thrown anyone inside. The opposing villains were working well together, timing their powers like experienced raid groups. When one power fell, another took its place, cutting through the heroes and forcing them on the back foot.

Saccharine and whatever Merla decided to name her character hadn’t taken control of their respective machines, but the villains hadn’t been able to make a dent in the heroes’s defenses either. Saccharine had to deal with the trio of over the top characters while Merla couldn’t find the machine at all. Hilariously, one of the villains had decided to ‘pocket’ the device in a modified inventory that let him take much larger items. Merla had ended up rushing right by the villain in her pursuit for the machine.

Recordings flashed between the four heroes and their fights against the assaulting villains, and Dylan found himself gravitating over to Saccharine’s fight. Of all the ones, her fight most resembled a comic book. If only because both she and the villains were shouting their attacks.

“Sugar Rush!”

Dylan watched as Saccharine dashed in, arms tight at her sides. She sidestepped two attacks from foes and ducked another before the first punch came swinging. And once the first swung, the second came behind it. The villain she’d targeted dodged admirably, but eventually they slipped. The fist connected with a shoulder, then another crashed against the torso. A veritable rain of punches flew from Saccharine, her focus solely on the pummeling she was giving the villain.

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“Numero!” shouted one.

The villain didn’t answer, his body swaying like a dandelion seed caught in the wind. Then for a moment, Numero straightened, pressed a thumb to his nose, and blew out a red ball. “That all you got?” he slurred.

Saccharine merely grinned and dashed forward once more. Numero’s companions intercepted, the magical girl conjuring a sawblade that resembled that of a slasher villain. The other, Hunky Jack if Dylan remembered right, stepped forward like a brick wall, ready to weather the heroine’s assault.

Saccharine pulled out a jawbreaker flail and swung it at Guillotine Regicide, forcing her to block. Then, with a cry of “Honey Hammer!” Saccharine’s fist formed itself into a giant honeycomb and smashed straight into Hunky Jack. The villain weathered the storm, but Saccharine wasn’t finished. She spun in place, the sticky honey ripping Hunky Jack off his feet to send him sailing off into the distance.

He landed honey side down on a nearby wall, suddenly stuck.

Numero had somewhat recovered, but not enough to prevent the powerhouse of a hero from slamming another fist into his jaw. This time, Numero collapsed in a heap before vanishing to respawn elsewhere.

“Sugary goodness wins once more!” Saccharine cheered, making a heart motif toward the camera.

“Instant Kill Murder Retribution!” shouted Magical Girl Guillotine Regicide.

Saccahrine spun around, a taffy rope now in her hands as her foe brought down a butcher’s cleaver the size of the street. In one smooth movement, the hero threw the rope around a nearby light and yanked herself up in the air to avoid the incoming blow.

Regicide cursed and conjured a spread of scalpels that launched at Saccharine like buzzing bees. She answered with a flyswatter made of gummy candy and responded with a swift jawbreaker shotput. Regicide ducked low, her magical flight giving her superior mobility.

However, Saccharine wasn’t finished. She pulled another candy contraption from her seemingly endless pockets, this one a much thinner cord that resembled fishing line. With a flick of her wrist, she launched it in loops, crafting a spidery net in moments.

“Candy Floss Catcher!” Saccharine roared.

She yanked on the cords, tightening the net and boxing Regicide in. The magical girl countered with a buzzsaw, breaking through the candy net. But in that time, Saccharine had already brought another candy contraption to bear.

“Jawbreaker Breaker!”

With that shout, the heroine brought forth a gigantic candy mace, it’s size growing as it collected the stray candy floss ripped to shreds by Regicide. The magical girl moved, but her flight wasn’t fast enough to avoid the incoming blow. Desperate, she countered with her own finisher.

“Guillotine Decapitator!”

The gigantic blade formed in her hands, and with a roar she pushed it straight at Saccharine’s mace in order to slice it to pieces. Metal and candy clashed, sparks firing from the friction. Both heroine and villainess roared their exertion, each attempting to pull out ahead.

The jawbreaker cracked, and for a moment it seemed Magical Girl Guillotine Regicide would come out on top. But then Saccharine roared louder and put all her weight into the blow, Regicide tried to push back, but the renewed force put her off balance just enough. Her guillotine cracked, then shattered to pieces as Saccharine’s enhanced candy weapon broke through and crushed the villainess underneath.

As the dust settled, the camera focused on the heroine, who had once again settled into a pose.

Dylan cackled, taking the attention off the screen. “Yes! Just what I expect from our heroic alter egos! It wouldn’t be fitting if they weren’t able to put up a fight!”

The villains still waiting around laughed with him in varying levels of participation.

Dr. Zlo silenced it with a wave of his hand. “However! In a short while we shall fall upon them like an avalanche! These ‘heroes’ will know their betters, and Dr. Zlo will have his victory!”

This gained more cheers, especially when Dr. Zlo looked over to the countdown to show less than a minute left.

“Places, everyone! It’s time to bring these heroes to heel!”