Wanted Dead

It wasn’t that it was cold. That wasn’t why I was upset. It wasn’t how uncomfortably hard the chair was on my asscheeks, no. And it wasn’t the group of people surrounding the table, or the loaded gun that was sat on it.

I was upset because the girls had been given the chance to actually get dressed, whereas I was forcibly marched through the damn guild completely fuckin’ naked.

Vivvie was a punchinello. This meant that the lanky little nonbinary nutjob before me looked vaguely human, but with long limbs and a stunning fashion sense. Violet and Black made up most of the colors on the flashy get-up. Purple was also the primary color on their face-paint-like markings, creating a sort of fake smile over their already smiling mouth.

Usually, punchinellos had something jingly on them. Bells on their hat or shoes or attached to a stick or something, but Vivvie didn’t seem to have that sense of humor. They picked up the gun.

“Do you know what this is, Callum Carver Davenport?"

“Vivvie-“

“Wrong!” They blurted out. “This is a .44 Magnum Sixshooter from Infiro! A Regulator's best pal!" They took the gun and turned it this way and that in their hand, "Not very useful for most people, including me! I'm not trained to use firearms, they're just so... expensive, down here in Melodia." They opened the chamber and started removing bullets from it, "You're not one for weapons though, that's Jill's job, isn't it?"

I waited for a moment, then started, "Well-"

"But I don't care about that!” They interrupted, “Who says I care about a little goonery, a little thuggery, your goblin can do what she wants! She can beat anyone she wants and I wouldn’t give a single flyin’ fuck!" They removed the last bullet, but then, after a cautious thought, slid it back in. They flipped the chamber back into the gun and spun it. "Do you know what Krasotavia is?"

"No." I said, honestly.

"It's a country!"

"Really."

"In Cervienne! It's one of the frosty ought-tiprisewards countries. Golly, what a mouthful!" They laughed, "Not as big a mouthful as this, though!" They firmly placed the gun’s barrel in their mouth and started laughing when I winced. They grabbed the chamber and spun it again before placing the pistol onto the table. "They have a really fun game there. Krasotavian Roulette!" They said, “Here, I’ll show you!”

They propped the gun directly against their head, and pulled the trigger.

I stared as they put it down.

"Take the gun and put it to your head."

"What?" I stared at them.

"Take the gun in your hand... put it to your head."

My hand shaking, I reached out and took the gun.

“It’s weird, ain’t it? You gotta learn to use guns, train to aim with ‘em! It makes you wonder what kind of God’s in charge of everything to make it so boomsticks don’t put fletcher’s outta business, huh?” They snickered. “But it don’t matter how bad you are with a gun. A bullet in the brain is a bullet in the brain. Pull the trigger.” The last sentence was said with a much firmer tone.

I put the gun against my head and pulled the trigger.

The lack of a bang and immediate meeting with my god of choice was the reaction. I put the gun back on the table like it was on fire.

“Good boy! He can learn!” Vivvie took the gun and began spinning it on their finger. They flicked the gun this way and that, and the group around him visibly recoiled.

I let my vision drag its way towards the side of the table, where Jill, Serene, and Mittens stood.

“You know, I don’t like a lot of people. And you’re one of those people I really don’t like.” Vivvie said, tapping the gun to their temple, “I mean. Comes in on my turf, does a quick grab and bag job, whatever. But… advertising ya self? Finding connections? Doing a bunch of jobs? I’m not gonna tax every damn mugger off the street, y’know? But it’s assholes like you that get right up my nose!” They took the moment to squeeze their nose. Despite it not being bulbous like some punchinellos, it still let out a little honk. There was a muted and forced chuckling among the audience.

They pointed the gun at their temple and pulled the trigger. Then they slid it back over.

“I’m just… more of a freelancer.” I said, staring at the pistol, “Besides, you wouldn’t want this shit, right?” I pointed at the necklace with a slight smile.

“Maybe I wouldn’t, maybe I would! But Mittens here broke my heart by not telling me about it!” They turned to face Mittens, a look exaggerated sorrow on their face.

“I didn’t want you to interest yourself with it.” Said Mittens, with the confidence that only comes from knowing that you aren’t going to be shot in the head anytime soon.

“That’s not your decision, you limp dicked witch!” Responded Vivvie, with the confidence of someone who has absolutely nothing to fear from witches. “It’s a good thing we got ourselves involved thanks to Callum’s little goof on Gravel. The poor guy was a wreck when he got back to us… but it’s okay now! We have the box…” Vivvie motioned behind me.

Nill ran his hand across the lid of a small box featuring the Mark of Ashkatort. I got quite a good look at it earlier. It was a brown box, a bit bigger than the average palm, with a golden latch that held it closed. A sort of curling latch, y’know the type.

It had happened all at once. In a moment, I was there, getting the best blowjob of my life, then there was Vivvie and Nill standing at the door.

All of it came out at once- I mean. The power, not- well that sort of did too. But more importantly, the fire came out. My hands were scorching with the built up infernal energy. I could even see an arcane semblance forming as the fiery power coagulated into something more akin to a real spell than a discharge of simple flame.

But it swirled, being drained from me like the water out of a bathtub. All that force I’d built up over the course of a full on sexual extravaganza was dumped unceremoniously into a little brown box that Nill held out at elbow’s reach.

When the fire was finally expended, I collapsed into the chair, twitching.

And then, I was marched here.

Vivvie looked at me expectantly. And then Nill put a uncomfortably cold hand on my shoulder. “Consider it like this,” He said, “It is only a possibility that your head will explode if you use the gun. But if you do not, I will make sure it is a certainty.” His cuttlefish side flaps throbbed as his brain pulsated in his weird fuckin’ head.

I took the gun and put it to my forehead.

But I didn’t pull the trigger.

“What is the box?”

Vivvie nodded, and didn’t say anything.

Click.

I slammed the gun down, gasping for air. Sweat streamed down my face, and despite all of this intense stress, not a single goddamn blip came from my chest. Not like it’d matter…

“Hey! Hey! Be careful!” Vivvie took the gun, looking over it, “You could scratch this thing, y’know. I said it was very expensive. And we don’t want it going off willy nilly!” As they aimed the gun around without a care for who it was pointing at, the bystanders pulled back.

“Just fuckin’ shoot yourself already, dipshit!” Jill said, with the confidence of one who did not care whether or not they got shot in the head. I put my hand on her’s and squeezed it.

“I dunno!” Vivvie said, suddenly. “About the box, I mean. It was something the cultist Gravel killed had on him. Pretty nifty, innit? Hehehe, you tried to blow my damn head off once that shian slut got her mouth off your cock.”

“Nngh.” Serene muttered, with the confidence of someone who was nearly certain they were going to be shot in the head, and is trying to pray it all away.

“Heh heh, nice prayer to Lehsda there, whore. Your big man looked like he was halfway to heaven.”

“I agree, you did a wonderful job.” Mittens added.

“Thank you.” Serene said, not thankful at all.

“I was certain the box would contain the infernal power, master.” Nill said, patting the box, “How, may I ask, is someone to use the necklace without a place to store its power? It will kill any proper user, after all.”

“So… that was Sir Everwrought’s plan? Kill someone with the necklace and contain the power in a box?” I asked. “But… I can use the necklace? Can’t he?” I started to get lost in my thoughts. But Vivvie interrupted that.

“Yep! Pretty cool, huh?” Vivvie said, pointing the gun at their head, “Honestly-“ Click! “I like the idea a lot…” They put the gun back down. “It’s more than just THIS gig, Callum,” They said in a consolatory tone, “We both know that. You’ve been in and out of Burrowsmouth a few times, and I ain’t seen a damn gold masque hit my desk from your worthless ass. And then ya barge in and knock out Betty who’s just tryna get pregnant with her man-”

There was a bark of surprise from the red-headed girl in the crowd. The girl who had saved me from torture and who I’d thanked by getting her brains bashed against a table.

“Dontchu worry Betty, we all know!” Vivvie said motioning to the group of thieves who were patting her back and offering reassurances. “Y’got my blessings, and that’s for certain. And that’s worth something!” Vivvie said, “Worth more than your dead ass.” They pointed at me.

“He’s worth a helluva lot more den you, y’clowny cuck.” Jill snapped as I took the gun in my free hand. The other was in some amount of pain as her grip on it tightened.

“Oooh, feisty little squnt, ain’tcha?” Vivvie leaned forward, chin in their hands. “Callum.”

“Vivvie.” I said, taking the gun and putting it to my head, “You know, I’d really… really rather talk this all out.”

“You would, wouldn’t ya?” Vivvie nodded, “You’re like that. I know. A little pacifist. Always want to talk it out, or run away, like a pussy. No. You’re pulling the trigger.”

I didn’t.

I aimed the gun forward and then pulled the trigger. The sixth chamber unloaded, there was a click.

And then a flag came out.

It said ‘Bang’ on it.

I turned the barrel and stared at it.

“Heh heh… hehehehhh… heh heh hehehe!"

The crowd began laughing. The only ones not laughing were the girls I had brought with me, and Nill.

But then, I heard more laughter, coming from me. I dropped the gun onto the table as I let my whole lungs explode with laughter.

“Now that’s what I call a punchline!” Vivvie cackled, smacking the table a few times. They took the gun as they laughed, opening the chamber. “Talk about a shot in the dark! Hahaha!”

My eyes were closed, I could feel hot tears mix with my sweat as adrenaline unleashed into warm bursts. There was a light clatter as the box was placed in front of me.

Then the entire room was silenced by the bang of the gun echoing off the walls, leaving a ringing sound in my ears, and the thunk of the bullet burying itself in brick. It trickled dust into the dank air of the room.

“I’ll give you a sixty second head start.” Vivvie said, twirling the gun on their finger.

“Ugh.” Nill muttered as I stood, throwing the chair behind me. I grabbed onto Jill’s hand and yanked her away.

“Fifty four… fifty three… uh… forty two?” Vivvie snickered out, scratching their head with the barrel of their gun as I threw open the ramshackle door. I ran. Behind me, clacking talons and thumping boots sprinted along the thieves guild corridor.

The time limit was generous. Mittens got ahead of me after a few moments and made the turn I was going to miss, on account of not actually knowing where the hell I was. I decided to follow, yanking Jill behind me.

“Wait! Slow down!” Serene squawked from behind.

But there was no point, we were out of a lit door and into another dark tunnel in no time. Mittens stood beside it, and once she saw me, she began to head in one of the many directions on offer. Serene caught up, and I followed the witch.

The cold dankness of the sewer and the moist bricks beneath me were sudden reminders that I was nude. I glanced back in the gloom, hearing the clacking of talons and the thud of Jill’s shoes. I couldn’t feel any smug aura, but I certainly did feel a bit of shame and a lot of empathy for Serene… well, some. At least she didn’t have to walk when I got her through here.

“Here.” Mittens said as she stopped at a ladder. This one didn’t have the broken bars, so I knew it wasn’t the one I had had to climb earlier that night. I didn’t know which one it was, though, so it didn’t actually matter!

“Where are we?” I asked.

“On the edge of the central ward near the graveyard.”

“… How far is that from the temple.”

“A few blocks.” Mittens said, “We are on a time limit, Callum.”

“I’m naked.”

“Get over it!” Serene snarled.

“Right. Sorry.” I mumbled to her.

“I call climbing after Callum.” Jill made a little growl noise, “Dark vision sure is handy…”

“Mmm.” Mittens said, “I’ll go first, then.”

Mittens threw herself up the ladder exactly as you’d imagine a cat would, planting her boots on a bar to force the manhole lid up and off the spout before climbing into the dim light.

Serene climbed with some difficulty, having to fold her wings and readjust them over and over to keep balance, hopping from bar to bar before finally getting through the hole.

I followed suit, Jill snickering below me. I felt the cold touch of fresh… or, at least, recycled city air above me. Then the tight grip of an arm. After that it just got worse.

I was thrown to the ground, my nude body smacking on it like raw chicken onto a cutting board, ready to be thrown in the pan.

“MMPH!” Serene said, though if it were words or just a meaningless noise to emphasize that she was being held hostage with a hand over her mouth I couldn’t fathom.

Mittens was also being held, a hand over her mouth, but she didn’t bother to reiterate it.

“There you are again. And this time, no gravel!” The man who stood above me said, “Isn’t that nice?”

“Aheh… Everwrought.” I nodded, smiling, “Pleasure to uh… meet you again.”

“Isn’t it, though? A fresh delivery of a bevy of sacrifices!.” Sir Ren Everwrought said, a smile parting his goatee, “And no weapons, no clothing at all for that matter. Just the property of mine that you stole. You know, there was an old law that said a thief would have his hand cut off.” He drew his dagger, which looked like it had been purchased from a novelty shop for the criminally tacky, “I think I’ll start with the neck, in your case.”

“CALLUM!” Jill shouted. She was standing on the bars of the sewer entrance as the cultists made a grab for her. She unlatched then threw something she had been holding underarm, a small wooden box.

I didn’t describe the exact circumstances, but I think Nill and Vivvie did a pretty good job. It had vacuumed up the infernal energy I had gathered from my foursome, which is a stupid sentence but I digress. And now it was flying through the air, end over end.

And it hit me square in the nose.

“AUGH!” I shouted, grabbing at my face as the thing clattered to the ground and opened.

The sudden rush of fire was as though I had thrown myself into a forge. Heat rocketed directly into my heart and surged my veins.

“Aw, hell.” Everwrought said, darting back swiftly.

I could hear the voice again, the voice I had heard when I had first got the damn necklace stuck on me. But the hyena gargling entrails this time seemed to be trying to say words. I didn’t want to parse them, but the brain is as always a traitor. It was not quite clear, but there was a commanding nature to it.

I obeyed.

With a clap of my hands, the nearest cultist burst into a pillar of flame, which exploded outwards and threw another cultist to the ground.

I stood and saw a glittering molten light going down my arm to my wrist. I aimed and fired it, basking the robed figure nearest to my future wife in hellfire. He collapsed in a heap that was still burning as Jill threw herself into melee (as she often does).

She aimed first for the cultist holding Mittens. It only takes a goblin a slight inclination of the neck to headbutt someone in the groin and force them to keel in pain. Then it only takes a single arm for a grimalkin to claw the face off of whatever unlucky bastard tried to pet them without consent.

I couldn’t seem to aim anywhere near Serene, her loud begging prayers into the hand of the cultist were like the repulsive end of a magnet to my eyes and hand. I didn’t have to, since Mittens raised an arcane sigil and blasted him across the face with a mesmerization that sent him stumbling. This was followed by another goblin groin headbutt to put him down.

As the fiery death built up around me, I could feel more and more of that fire flowing into me, more of that energy. It was as though I, myself, were being invigorated by the suffering. The pain of those suffering a sudden onset of Jill, the clawed bloody face of a screaming cultist, and even the twinge of fear from Everwrought…

I don’t consider myself a pacifist. I didn’t want to shoot Vivvie earlier, sure. But there are times where you have to fight, like protecting the ones you love. Or trying not to shoot yourself in the head. But something about this felt wrong.

I aimed again, though, my heart no longer controlling the bouts of suffering it was indulging in. I was out of control, completely lost to the demands of the voice. The burning deaths of two cultists and the agony of the others fueled my veins. But there was no longer a ring leader. Everwrought, that low priest bastard, had gotten away.

But I still needed to burn, I still needed to inflict this pain. I felt it burning my hand, as though I had shoved my palm into a campfire. I started to wince, to groan, and then to scream in pain as the fire that had built up from pleasures of mine and the pain of my enemies boiled into a roiling mass of power.

The chittering cackling of the entity on the edge of hearing was getting closer, and closer, its whispers driving me to something unthinkable.

And then it ended, all at once.

I collapsed to my knees as I heard the click of the box to my right.

“Oh quit bein’ a baby.” Jill said, clasping the box and putting it under her arm.

“Callum! Are you okay?” Serene’s surprising tone of worry brought me out of the stupor as she helped me up.

Mittens was eying the necklace, “How curious.” She turned her gaze to the box and hummed in thought.

“Oh he’s fine.” Jill said, waving a hand.

“I can stand.” I said to Serene. I barely noticed I was smiling, but I did notice that she was too.

“It’s gettin early…” Jill said, eying the sky, “Can we finally get to da damn temple?”

I looked at the sky, not sure how Jill was telling the time.

“It is just about five in the morning.” Mittens said, “Only an hour and a half until sunrise.”

“Already!?” I shouted, “By the saints, I must’ve been out longer than I thought…”

“Yeah, took us a while tah get tah ya!” She glared at Serene, who glared back (possibly, I couldn’t see her eyes. Again, mask.)

“I endeavored to prepare what I’d need for the cleansing rites.” Serene said, turning up her nose, “I… well I wanted to make sure we could save you as soon as possible. That was our… agreement.”

“Right.” I said, losing my smile.

I stumbled along beside them, doing my best not to step on any sharp bits of street cobble.