Why are you special?

We continue on through the dungeon. A pack of Nessian Warhounds (picture an extra-brawny wolf, the size of a horse, wearing a steel breastplate, with shiny black fur and burning fiery eyes) kills Carter before we can finish them all off (he comes back as a Suli - he looks basically human, but with bright red hair that actually slightly illuminates the surroundings). Paul dies to a squadron of Barbed Devils (picture a seven foot tall muscle man, covered in barbed porcupine quills, with green skin, claws, and a tail that lashes about), and comes back as a Dark Elf (also known as a Drow - a type of elf, a slender human with pointy ears… but also dark blue skin, white hair, and bright red eyes). We continue that way, clearing out this overly-hostile dungeon, for quite some time. After Paul’s eighth death, I go ahead and hit him with both Delay Death and Celestial Healing as well. I do that with Carter after four (and I use Greater Celestial Healing for him).

After that, of course, they stop dying.

For unclear reasons, when I Reincarnate them, they come back female… with slightly more exaggerated curves each time. On Paul’s first death in this dungeon, he comes back with a passable chest and hips just wide enough to identify him as female from behind; he’s definitely a girl, but not a sort where guys are going to have trouble looking him in the eye. The second, his chest gets good handfuls, his hips widen a little, and his waist narrows. By the time I finally give in and just make sure he doesn’t kick it, his chest and rear end account for half his body weight - he looks like an adult film star… you know, one of the ones that’s had WAY too much surgery: Beach balls on his chest, waist that looks more like a wasp’s than a person’s, a bubble butt big enough to use as a shelf, lips inflated so far he has to work at it to prevent them from forming a little 'o' all the time… everything but the tattoos and piercings, really… which is quite weird on an orc, with the grayish-green skin, burning red eyes, a low sloping brow, a flat nose, and tusk-like teeth. Not that many folks will be looking at his face.

Carter ends up a bit more reasonable - after all, I only bring him back four times - so as an Oread he’s got a pair of good-sized cantaloupes on his chest, and looks like he’s smuggling the same on his backside. His skin shines like polished onyx, he has glowing emeralds for eyes, and black hair that cascades down his back. Oh, and both Carter and Paul have to give up on their armor, packing both sets away in a Portable Hole. It just plain doesn’t fit anymore.

Carter’s laughing about it, “You look more like the goddess with every death!”

And Paul’s joining in, “Oh yes. Thanks to Dolly, we're effectively immortal and will be able to take  down the dungeon, no problem… but will we be able to fit out the door when it’s time to go?”

And Carter’s giving back, “Well… if we’re stuck here, at least it’s a nice view!” Oh, did I mention Paul and Carter are still mixing it up in melee, even without their armor? Yeah, their shirts didn’t survive that, so their ‘girls’ are swinging freely. They’re occasionally taking time off from joshing each other about their new appearances to complain about their backs, but they’re in very good spirits.

I’m guessing they’re not worried about it, figuring they’ll just fix it when they’re back in town, just like they’ve always done with their racial shifts before. But… it’s consistent, and that has ME worried. So they had fourteen samples of Reincarnate before, and for all of them they came back as their original gender, but when I do it, they come back more exaggeratedly female each time… and we’re up to thirteen samples… where it’ll stay, as they’re unlikely to die now. Wally, of course, having only gone through it once, isn’t so ridiculous. Yes, he’s got baby feeders and the oven to hold a growing bundle of love, sure. But as a female elf, his chest is a little below average; he’s largely fine.

They don't worry, but I do. All I can figure is that Life’s ‘blessing’ is somehow at fault? I’ll need to ask Death about that. He was there when I was cursed, he should be able to tell me the specifics… and if not… well, I’ll be seeing him for a level up after this anyway. And, of course, if this is a result of a divine blessing… they may not be able to go back. And that would suck for them … not that I mind it sucking for Paul (he’s a jerk), but Carter doesn’t deserve to have his life upended like that, and Wally seems like a good guy: He definitely doesn’t. But I’m also not going to just leave them dead.

We do eventually find the dungeon heart. Yes, it is unmistakable: A diamond bigger than I am, buried in the ceiling of the place… which means it’s fifteen feet up, in this particular room. It’s pulsing slowly with light, alternately making the room as bright as day and as dark as night. And yes, it’s guarded. A horned devil, a nine-foot tall muscular humanoid, bristling with terrible spines and a crown of deadly horns, a leering winged terror wielding a whirling barbed chain… and the beast is really good with that chain. I end up going with Ray of Stupidity. Yes, the creature has a decent intelligence score… but I can force-crit the ray and maximize the damage dice while I’m at it. It only takes two to knock him out, and I can get four of those spells off in a round (although I only apply that much Divine Providence to the first two; seriously, it’s eight uses to do it that far, and I need to save some for saves)... but they’re still touch attacks. After the beast falls to my rays, Carter Blesses his own weapon, and together with Paul they smash and cut the creature into little tiny pieces… which don’t move anymore.

We take note of the location (Carter’s been mapping the place), and finish clearing out the dungeon. That portable hole has a lot of loot in it when we’re done - swords, coins, gemstones, art objects, wands, potions, scrolls, headbands, musical instruments, shields, idols, armor, bows… the list goes on and on. It’s quite the haul… but I also get the impression that this dungeon is a bit more than what they’d normally handle… they died a lot, until I put a stop to it.

But of course, we’re here for the heart. We come back to it, and we all look at it for a while. Then I ask: “So… how do we do this?”

Paul shrugs, making his colossal chest jiggle seemingly-endlessly, “They’re actually quite fragile. One arrow will do the job. First, though… Carter, you have the shortest path out of here mapped?”

Carter nods, and his huge honkers also shake, “Yes. I’ll take lead. Wally, you have the speed spells ready?”

Wally nods, “The spell is called Haste, and yes. I’ve got it ready and stretched to last as long as it can.” Wally’s chest, being much more reasonable, stays in his shirt (which he's still able to wear).

I see Carter taking up a runner’s starting position at one of the doors, and decide to match him. We all take a close look at his map, and I hear Paul muttering under his breath over and over, “Right, left, left, straight, left. Right, left, left, straight, left. Right, left left, straight, left…” Wally does the same.

OK, yes, if they’re that concerned… “I take it the dungeon really won’t last very long at all once we do this, then?”

Paul nods his head - slowly, this time: “That’s right. It’ll take an hour or two to collapse completely, but stuff will be falling from the ceiling in maybe a minute. It’s not a good idea to stick around; that’s… how we lost Lorin.”

“So you’ve done this very recently, then?”

Carter rocks his head back and forth a little, making waves in his hair, which goes down to his backside (better than Paul’s - it goes down to his ankles): “About a month ago. We take a break after each dungeon to … relax… buy new gear, and so on. Folks willing to risk a dungeon’s collapse are few and far between… but sometimes it has to happen, and, well… we wanted the money. That one wasn’t nearly so bad as this one, but had been left to go to seed too long as well.”

Paul draws his bow and knocks an arrow - holding the bow sideways so his king-sized knockers don’t get in the way - and starts counting down as he lines up his shot: “Ten, nine, eight…”

Something’s bothering me… 《Wally, won’t the Haste spell fail when the magic does?》

“... seven, six, five…”

As Wally casts the Haste spell, he replies 《Yes, but it takes a minute or so for that to happen… hopefully we’ll be out of here by then.》

“... four, three two…”

Aha. 《And why do we all go out as a group, rather than leaving just one person to kill the Heart?》

“... one.” Paul shoots his arrow, and we all skedaddle, fast.

Wally replies as we all run《Don’t split the party… we might have missed a beast.》

The arrow connects with the heart, and the heart explodes in a flash of light, sending tiny crystal shards everywhere… which seem to evaporate? Interesting…

I’m just following Paul, eyes alternating between his big bouncing buttocks and his massive milk makers making shakes as we run and the dungeon starts to crumble… they weren’t kidding, this place is falling apart fast. As we reach the tunnel to the entrance, I’m last (I wanted to be able to help anyone who falters... and maybe I like the view)… and just after they go through, a few major support beams collapse the entrance and leave me stranded. I skid to a halt, and the ceiling crashes down, pinning me underneath the rubble.

…

Well, at least nothing more is going to happen, so I’m reasonably safe for the moment…

And the world fades.