Witch Hunt

I wake up screaming. In a panic, I swipe wildly at everything around me. My lungs are on fire, and the top of my head feels like an icepick was driven through it.

Hyperventilating and feeling sick to my core, I fold in on myself, grasping at my fetal-form knees. I'm on Alabastra's couch again. A scratchy wool blanket constricts me, drenched with my own sweat. Nobody else is in the room but me.

I'm shaking all over, feeling tired enough that I could drift back to sleep, if I weren't also too terrified to even close my eyes.

And all before the sick morning aches rise again. But I am certain now, it's no longer just starvation welling deep in the pit of my core. In fact, I almost feel... full. Without a doubt, it is worse. It's longing. A desire to return to... something. To have and hold. A profound sense of loss. I hate how familiar it is. Like a twisted funhouse mirror version of the thoughts that have haunted me all my life. Not unlike the hungers, I suppose, but at least hunger is understandable. Solvable. There's nothing to do with this aching malaise but wallow in it.

Of course, the creeping tendrils of hunger aren't far behind. It is an unwavering specter, always at the edge of campfire. I could never expect to be free of it.

Not without the watch, anyways.

The watch... I shake my head; this won't matter soon. I just need to know if we succeeded. With my morning torment concluded, I refocus. In my writhing state, I hadn't noticed the three women enter from the bedroom, standing at the door, watching me with unease.

Alabastra's eyes are an unfinished story, no payoff or climax of emotion. Only... confusion. Uncertainty. "Moodie?", she asks, voice low and careful, like she's afraid a single word might shatter me.

My head still swims to remember last night. "Did we... did we get it?"

She nods, motioning with one hand toward a side table. Next to a precariously positioned record player, The Timekeeper sits in the home of the thieves, its chain spooled atop the watchface. Behind it, the tracking amulet that caused us so much grief glows a dull red.

We actually did it. We really-

It's only now that I realize, as she returns her hands to their starting position, that Alabastra's arms are wrapped around the others' midsections, pulling them tight. All three in a state of undress just past decent.

I sputter, turning away from the private affair. "Put some damn clothes on, would you?" My head shakes, suddenly struck with a thought that tumbles out of my brain and straight through my mouth. "You all... sleep together? In the same bed? Practically naked?"

"It's, uhhh, economic?", says Tegan.

"Economic...? Why would that... what kind of thieves' crew is this?!"

Alabastra chuckles. The rustling sound of her lazily pulling on a pair of slacks harmonizes with her voice. "Don't think about it too hard, Moodie."

I'm not sure why, but something inside of me snaps at that little comment. Don't think about it. She knows I'm going to. It's as if she wants me to wallow in ignorance. And I am... so tired of not knowing what is happening. "Would you just tell me? I'm not in the mood." Their pointless little mind games are distracting me from my attempts to piece together yesterday. We'd gotten knocked out and taken to the hotel...

Alabastra shrugs, almost sheepishly. "Hoped to do this at a funnier moment, but, sure."  She pulls Faylie and Tegan tighter to her. "You two wanna spill the beans?"

Faylie nods an affirmative and turns to me. "We're kind of... um. Together? Romantically? The three of us? Haha. Surprise...!"

I stare, looking back and forth between the three. "...What?" How in the world did I not notice that? It must be a recent development, then? "Since when?"

"Uhh, like... couple years?", says Tegan.

Now I am entirely distracted. Something had been on the edge of my mind when my thoughts rolled around to the hotel room, but it's completely slipped. My only... acquaintances have been involved with each other, for years. And I didn't know. "How am I learning this only now?"

"At first I guess we like, thought you already knew? Then it was obvious that you definitely didn't and we, uh." Tegan looks to Alabastra for an assist.

The blonde says, "We were a lil' hesitant to tell ya. Weren't sure how you were gonna react. Y'know how people get..." There's an even keel to her tone. She's trying not to give away anything about how she feels. "Sooo. This doesn't change anything, right? Nothin' weird between us? No outta left field intolerance?"

My brows furrow. On the one hand... they kept this from me. Adding to the pile of information that they arbitrarily decided I didn't get to know. On the other hand... it's not like I'm entitled to their love life. That they... apparently share. Hardly the most important of withheld details, all considered. It does put a few incongruent pieces together, recontextualizes their words and actions to make a bit more sense. I suppose I have no problems. If they'd told me sooner I might even be... well, not glad, obviously, but... understanding, I suppose. I just can't get over how long they hid their relationship. Where they ever going to tell me?

I don't have it in me to say any of that, of course. Instead, I respond, "I don't care." And that is, at least mostly the truth. Why would I?

The three visibly relax, letting out a breathe I hadn't realized they'd been holding. Alabastra says, "Good, good. For a second there, I was a lil' worried you were gonna go all Roodie on us again."

Again?

That's the key that brings it all back. In a vile flash of revolting memory, the previous night floods into my mind at once, laid bare before me under a sickening spotlight.

The last thing I recall is lying on a hotel bed, and letting Alabastra talk me into refusing the Subduant. The foul thing inside was let off its leash, and hurt who knows how many people. And Alabastra let it happen. After I'd killed someone. For her. I killed that man, and probably others. I start to shake, feeling right back in that hotel room. She used me like a weapon. And now she has the audacity to... to joke about it. Like this is a game to her, all just fodder for her little quips and jabs.

I've had enough. She doesn't get to keep doing this. "How many?", I speak as authoritative as I can.

"How many what?"

"People. Died."

The jarring shift drops the temperature of the room a degree or two. The other two back up, smiles wiped from their faces. Alabastra straightens her back. "We didn't count-"

"Guess", I seethe.

Her mouth pulls to the side of her face, as she tallies in her head. Bodies counted like a merchant's stock with an abacus. I feel nauseous again. Finally, she says, "Maybe a dozen or two."

I swallow to quell the bile. All those people... dead. I can't even feel it sink in; no matter which angle my psyche tries to attack it from, the idea bounces off, rejected for the intruder upon my mind's sanity that it is. "I... I killed..."

Alabastra steps forward. "Hey, no, don't think like that. We did what we had to do. We survived. We're all still here - that's what matters."

I am so sick of her platitudes. "You made me kill all those people!"

"Woah, hey. I never made you do anything."

"You may as well have! What choice did I have?"

Her shoulders square in defense. "Of course you had a choice. You gave me the go-ahead."

I try to think back. Did I? I must have said something, before I was out, but... I can't remember. And, even if I did... "I was half-unconscious. And under duress. You coerced me!"

She shakes her head, flatly denying. I could throw something at her. She says, "I told you the score, Moodie. I am sorry we were in that situation at all, but you made the right choice. You're breathing, and that's not nothing. Fuck, I'm proud-"

"Proud?!" I stand, wavering slightly, nearly falling back onto the couch. "Are you insane?! You've made me a murderer!"

"You are not a murderer. They kidnapped us, Moodie. It was us or them." She grinds her jaw as she speaks.

The other two start to fan away, sundered from their leader by our barbed exchange. Tegan chimes in, "They weren't gonna let us leave. It was self-defense."

I ignore the fact that we put ourselves in that situation with this madcap scheme in the first place. After all, that was all my own doing. I was always willing to pay that price with my own blood. I just can't stand that I was forced to cash that check with someone else's. Dozens... I turn to Tegan. "And did you know that your girlfriend is an oathbreaker?"

Tegan looks back to Alabastra with a brow raised. "Allie?", she asks. Not accusatory, more curious. But I've still managed to pique her interest.

"You made me a promise." I point my words like daggers at their leader. "You swore that you wouldn't let me hurt anyone, and you broke it the second it was convenient."

Alabastra at least has the decency to pretend to look guilty. "Technically...", she says, wincing, "I said you wouldn't hurt anyone that didn't deserve it. Those guys-"

"Are you fucking serious?", I interrupt. She stops, a heavy weight over her shoulders. "That's your defense? Do you even hear yourself?"

Her fists ball at her sides. She seems to finally pick up that she isn't getting out of this with her usual little wisecracks. "You're right. You are right, Moodie. I broke my promise." Her voice is gravely and low, absent any mirth. "And I'm just gonna have to live with that. Because you know what? Put me back in that room, where it's my word or your life? I'd do it again."

The truth comes out. It's about time. "You don't regret a thing." It's not a question. We both already know.

"Of course not. They woulda killed you. I wasn't about to let that happen."

Something about the way she says that strikes deep. I snarl. "Well maybe you should have!"

The three step back, shocked. And that only makes me angrier. How are they surprised? Have they been that willfully blind, this whole time? Deluding themselves into believing that I'm something that I'm not? I thought they saw something I couldn't, and in some way I suppose they did; because whatever they saw in me, it never existed at all. A shared hallucination.

Faylie huffs. "Don't say things like that!"

"Like what?" I pivot to the faun, feeling a hateful sting in my eye. She's circling around toward the kitchen. Penning me in like an animal. "The truth?"

"No! It's a good thing you're still here!" She yells like she thinks she'll make a difference. At least Alabastra has the good sense to know she's a liar. "You shouldn't have died! That's not the truth at all!"

I scoff. "The three of you wouldn't know truth if it hit you in the face. Insane. All of you." I point at each of the three in an arc.

"Hey!", yells Alabastra, "This is between us."

As if that's any absolution. I roll my eyes. "Then why not include them?" I fill my throat with venom, and look back to the half-elf. "They're basically just extensions of you, anyways."

"Moodie!", Faylie yells.

"The fuck?", Tegan says at the same time.

Now that's got their attention. Finally, Alabastra looks as angry as I feel. "Take that back", she says, practically spitting, "Right now."

My arms stick out, opened wide for her attacks. There's nothing she can say anymore that can hurt me. In a way, that's almost freeing. "You were right, Alabastra. Little lies do make the world go 'round. The truth hurts, doesn't it?"

The three stand around me like a baseball diamond, Alabastra on second. She looks down, sucking in angry air. Her eyes squeeze, and the fire diminishes. Maddeningly. I want her to rage. I want her to actually hurt, to not recover so easily. It isn't fair! "I understand you are hurting, so I'm gonna let that slide..."

HOW?! "Enough with the Godsdamned moralizing!" I need to cut deeper. "You're not a hero, Alabastra. How many people did you put at risk last night? And for what? So you could keep me around, like a puppet!"

"I saved your life!"

"Well I never asked to be saved!"

Silence. Not stunned, or bated. Cold and lonely silence. I've never felt so alone in a room with three other people.

Alabastra squeezes her own arm so hard she might draw blood. I hope she does. Her face pulls into crocodile tears, and I almost tell her to save them. "You are not my puppet", she says, "Nobody is. You can go whenever you want."

"Fine." It's not like I expected this to last, anyways. I look around for my satchel.

The others simply stare at me for a moment, as I frantically search their flat for my belongings. Perhaps uncertain if they should help. There truly is a first time for everything.

As I finally find my bag, I rifle through it to find my glasses. I slip them on, and notice something else resting besides. An estoc in its scabbard, left amongst my things, like it belongs to me. I furrow my brow. Another joke...? I stand, and Alabastra says, "S'yours. If ya want it." As I look down at the sword, she continues, "And for the record... I am glad you're still here."

She just doesn't stop. "...Why?" I turn again, facing them with new resolve. Maybe they intend to keep me prisoner here until there's nothing left to say. If that is their goal, I won't be trapped in this moment forever. It all comes out here. "You were supposed to kill me in my office. To see me as a monster, and strike me down. You could've saved a lot of lives and a lot of trouble if you had. And because you didn't, everything that's happened since is your fault. And mine, for being too much of a coward to step away."

"It's not cowardice to need help, Moodie."

Tegan adds, "And even if you are being an asshole, we were happy to do it."

My arms cross, and self-hatred starts to well when I notice my burning eyes. "Why? Why do you keep trying to save me?!"

"Because you're worth it", Alabastra says.

I swipe my hand through the air. "Not good enough." If this is all there is for us, I need answers. "What was the third reason?"

"I... it's not-"

"You won't tell me, of course." Before I can stop myself, I march towards her, putting an accusatory finger in her face. "Just like you wouldn't tell me that you knew I was a vampire. Or about your Insight? Or that you're dating? Or what your plans are, ever. Or what you're hiding", I say to Tegan with a pivot.

The knight backs up, shameful blush on her face. "That's, uh, that's..." She shuts up.

Alabastra says, "It's just... this isn't the right time, Moodie. You're upset, you've been through some shit, and... I don't wanna throw something in your face you're not in the right mind for."

Well it's a little late for that. "You told me once that you wanted me to trust you. How am I supposed to do that when I know you're lying?"

"It's not lying-"

"Stop." I walk back to my bag, slinging it over my shoulder. The scabbard, too. Not that I intend to use it, but, I suppose a little protection never hurt. "Tell me... and I might not walk away. Otherwise, I am gone."

Conflict ill-suits Alabastra Camin's face. She always looks so determined. Perhaps to her detriment. "You're sure you wanna know?" I nod. With a sigh, she says, "Fine. Fine."

Tegan cuts in, "Allie..."

"No, Dusty. We've been way too patient. I think it's about time for a little tough love." Then back to me. "The third reason is that we fucking care about you! We've been helping you because we want you to get better."

"... Yes, obviously?", I mutter. "That was the point, to help with the hungers."

She shakes her head. "No, no. Not with your fuckin' stomach. With you, Moodie. Even before all this started."

"The depression?", Faylie adds an unhelpful quip.

Despite her brief objection, Tegan puts up a united front. "The loneliness?"

Depressed, lonely? That's what they take me for? Some pathetic charity case to parade around until I feel better about myself, like a child with the ill? What do I have to do to show them that there is no light inside for them to rekindle; that there is nothing under my skin. Do I have to claw myself apart?

I grab my stomach. Alabastra looks concerned, waiting until my attention is back on her. The monster doesn't get to intrude on this. I stand up straight again, through the pain, and lock eyes.

She says, "And the... the big one."

"What are you talking about?", I say, voice shaking despite myself.

As if our roles were reversed, she pinches the bridge of her nose. "Gods, shoulda done this a long fuckin' time ago..." Her resolve returns, and for a moment I forget my anger. "Marlowe..."

What is she doing. I back up, practically scrambling like a startled cat. "That's not..."

"It can be. I think you'd be a lot happier if it were! I told you once you were just like me; I meant it."

I stumble over some discarded boot on the floor, nearly tripping. I knew I shouldn't have told her that damnable name. I can't let it send me down this path twice. Those thoughts were buried for a reason, she doesn't get to dig them back up. Not after all of this.

She thinks that I could just... be someone else? That that would solve all my problems, like some magic wand? Somehow form an identity over the inner void? That's... so ridiculous, it's insulting. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Pretty sure I'm outstanding in my field, Marlowe." Stop... SAYING THAT. "You can just... choose to be a girl. I did! Tell me, honestly, that you wouldn't prefer that."

Prefer? When did that ever matter? Sure, I'd prefer to be some fictional girl... who wouldn't? I'd prefer to not have to worry about money, or be just a normal human, or even simply sane, too, but life isn't about what we'd prefer. Alabastra was the only exception. She was supposed to be freedom itself. Of course she doesn't understand, nobody else gets to live like her. Especially not me. Least of all, me, who deserves it even less. There's nothing I could ever do to earn happiness, because it isn't for me.

I was born dead.

"After everything you've seen, you really think my problems are so... mundane?"

She says, "Well, what is normal anyways?" She tries to step forward, but I back away. "Whatever else is happening with you, I know that if I were in your shoes, and, I have been, not torturing yourself trying to be someone you're not is a damn good first step."

I seethe at her. "You're wrong. You don't know the first thing about me."

Her arms cross, and for the first time that smile that makes me want to scream crosses her face. "Now that just ain't true. I know you, because I've been you."

A mirthless guffaw escapes me. She just doesn't relent. "This is just another trick. You can't point to a single conclusive thing... you're just projecting." That's all it is. She wants me to be like her, so she can control me. That's all she's ever been: a user, a puppeteer. And I almost let myself fall right in her web.

"This isn't new, and it isn't a trick. I have known you for seven years, and I've been trying to get you to see this damn near the whole time. I could talk about the little hints I've been trying to drop for years, or that I noticed all those little winces and signs that scream that you're not sittin' right, or your giddy little smiles the other day, or the fucking elixir?! But obviously I've been too subtle, so... fuck it. Here's all the evidence you should need." Alabastra stares me down. "I can see right through you! I know when you're lying... even to yourself!"

The glass-fragile truce is shattered. See right through me... Of course. Blood rushes to my ears, and drowns out everything else she said. She's revealed herself. "You used your Insight on me. You broke your other promise." And why wouldn't she? She probably never even stopped.

Her face drops, morphs into a false, painted mask of shame and pleading. "No, no... that's not... this was before I promised anything to you, I didn't-"

"Why should I believe you?!" I knew she was a thief and a liar from the start. Why did I ever believe her? "It barely even matters if you're telling the truth... I can never trust you again. It is broken. You've squandered it."

She pouts, but I already know it's for show. She can stop pretending any time that she's actually hurt. She'll just get right back to acting all happy-go-lucky again the second I let my guard down. I am done giving her the benefit of the doubt. "Marlowe-"

"And QUIT. Calling me that!" I put my foot down. "It's not... that name, it's not Moodie. It's not even Bromley. Not really. It's. Oscar. My name. Is. Oscar. And I don't get to fucking change that."

"Of course you can..."

I walk forward, this time willingly stepping inside their triangle. They can't pen me in anymore; now it feels more like a vantage point. "No. We're not all like you, Alabastra. Most people will never change. You live in a fantasy, where it all looks so possible. And good for you. But the rest of us aren't deluded." Finally, Alabastra looks like she has nothing left to say. I look between the three. "It's time for me to go back to the real world. Where things make sense."

The three women look at each other, at the floor. My words finally reach them. I... won. It only took a screaming match messy enough that my words seep into the walls, but I finally managed to shut them up. To make them see me for what I am. It doesn't feel like victory, but that's alright. It was never supposed to.

Only Tegan looks back at me. "That's it then? You're just done?"

"I am. With this. With you." I catch Alabastra's eye. "So better yet... don't refer to me at all. I taught you how to make that potion. Buy yourself an alchemy kit... find a new apothecary. It's over."

They look defeated. Of course, they should. That was my goal, wasn't it? I push down any guilt I had; it's just their lies worming their way back in.

The pause pulls its way through the air in a chill, suffocating us all. For a while we just stare at each other, waiting for the other to make the last move.

Faylie finally says in a small voice, "I'm sorry it happened this way... O-Oscar. I'll- I'll miss you..."

My eyes roll. She doesn't have to make herself look so... damn sad. "Didn't I make it clear? No more lies." That's all it must be; if they do miss me, they're fools. I hardly contributed anything, I've left the debt between us more than unbalanced, and I willfully made myself miserable to be around. They should be celebrating that I'm finally out of their hair. I'm certainly pleased they're out of mine.

It was almost enjoyable, at certain points, pretending I could stand with the heroines. But now that role is done. It's time to go, to put my hungers to rest, and finish this stupid, sorry tale.

I step to the side table, and reach out for the watch. Alabastra's hand slams down in front of mine. "What are you doing?", she asks. She sounds scared.

"Taking what I came here for."

She scowls down at me. "What about all the other people still going through this?"

"What about them?" She cannot seriously be trying to send me on some guilt trip, after everything.

Alabastra leans over, fashioning her lazy-day self into a sentinel. She swallows hard, voice haunted. "I... I don't think you should have it all to yourself." No... She wouldn't...

Of course she would. "What, you expect this little trinket to solve everyone's problems? It only quells my hungers when I'm touching it, Alabastra. Do you intend to gather all of the afflicted into a large pile, in which they'll live forever?"

"I'm not sayin-", She interrupts herself with a new thought. "The ones doing this shit wanted that watch for a reason. If all it could do is stop the clock for one person do you really think they'd be so scared of it? There must be more it can do!"

I stand as tall as I can, still inches shorter than her. "I don't. Care. You wanted me to solve my problems, and I have. Now I'm going home. And I'm not letting the monster out again."

"You wanna be done with the high stakes stuff? With us? Live in fuckin' denial the rest of your life? That's your prerogative. It's fine, I get it. Have all our blessings. But you don't think you have any responsibility to help see this right?"

I drill a stare straight through her eyes. "I never agreed to be anyone's savior." In a desperate flash of movement, I snatch the watch from under Alabastra's warding arm.

And at last, the fires stop burning. The endless hunger ceases its march in an instant, arrested by the yielding of time itself on my form. The monster is locked away, a more perfect jail for its twisted form. I am free. Not in the way Alabastra is free, but released and relieved from my long watch, my warden duties absolved. I can finally rest.

None of the three look too pleased at my decision. But they have no one to blame but themselves. I've done what they asked, haven't I?

I've hunted their vampire to extinction. This is what they wanted.

Faylie rubs her shoulders, looking like she's holding back tears. Tegan has her eyes shunted closed, leaning back exhausted against the wall of her flat. And Alabastra just stares at me. Faylie says, "How are we supposed to help the others, now?"

"You're the heroes, aren't you?" I readjust my bag, sling over the 'gift' of their likely-stolen sword, and cradle the brass of the watch, cold on my fingertips. And I walk for the door. "You figure it out."

Alabastra calls out behind me, "I can't believe how selfish you're being."

Sparing her one final look over my shoulder, I say, "Still worth it?"

Dead silence.

"Didn't think so either." I walk away.

* * *

The city passes by in fast-shifting tones of grays and browns, accelerated along by my highspeed vantage aboard the skyway. I'm mostly alone in the cart, sitting in a blessedly empty booth. I look down at the shuffled over buildings, the ambling blobs of pedestrians, then back to the miracle in my hands.

The stainless glass of the watch face does not reflect me. I suppose that's another thing I'll never get back.

I have been inundated with change over the past three weeks. It's all too much. I've given everything to return to boredom. To business, operational calculations, brewing complications, ingredient optimization. At last, mundanity is waiting at the other end.

It took divine intervention, but I've yielded the tide of change. I don't have to be afraid of waking up any more. I am rescued.

And she nearly stopped me.

Everything I went through for this... this wonder, and she tried to stand before my salvation. She lied to me; she lied about me. Played me for days like a fiddle, only to throw me out when I wouldn't sing her tune. I never want to see her face again.

If she's smart, she'll at least know to stay away. It's for the best for everyone, after all. We're fire and water. Incompatible. We belong apart. I never needed any of them, anyways. I never needed anyone at all. Everything I need is in the palm of my hand.

And I am never letting it go.