Yakumo Yukari Gapped Me to Another World; Now I'm Trapped in the Human Village Full of Pathetic Touhou Maniacs

It was the fourth festival and it was a special occasion. All of the powers-that-be in Gensokyo had set up booths to do recruitment. Someone (probably Yukari, or maybe Toyosatomimi no Miko) had deemed the farming operations a roaring success, so instead of waiting three months for specialization we’d wait a mere five weeks.

And (for once) the youkai were making pretensions at telling us their plans; each booth would explain the work we might do for that group.

We also had our first check-ins with Yukari that evening, but I fully expected some ridiculous, meaningless bullshit. The fourth festival and the shortening of the timeline were the real events.

Wiki was quick to speculate that boredom in the human village was the main cause for the schedule being bumped up.

“Another person ‘disappeared’,” he said.

“That’s odd,” said Sasha.

“It’s happened before,” I said.

“No, it’s odd that Wiki isn’t wetting his pants about it.” She turned to him. “Do you suspect murder again?”

“No, that’s unlikely,” said Wiki, “mostly because he came back this time.”

“Ah.”

“He also admitted that he’d run away, and I’m inclined to believe that explanation.”

“Will his roommates take him back?” asked Arnold.

“No, this is a different guy, that guy was almost certainly murdered and eaten. The second man is entirely uneaten, except for his arm.”

“... are you making a joke?” asked Arnold. He hugged his ax tighter. He still hadn’t stopped carrying it.

“I’m as serious as global climate change. This person ventured out toward youkai mountain, and came back with a stump and a new fear of the dark.”

“Wasn’t climate change solved?” asked Sasha. “I didn’t pay much attention to the news.”

“Not our problem,” I said. Gensokyo was in the mountains, and I’m sure Yukari could manipulate the boundary between land and sea. Or warm and cold, for that matter.

“I don’t want to be disarmed!” said Arnold, holding his ax even tighter, in a faux display of fear. “Seriously, sucks for that guy though.”

“Oh yeah,” said Wiki. “You can’t find a therapist in Gensokyo.”

“I meant the body part.”

“Artificial limbs are scarce too,” said Wiki, conversationally. “The point is, if humans are getting bored and wandering off when they shouldn’t be, the establishment has two options. Give us something new to do, or finally put up a fence.”

“Both are so exciting,” said Sasha, deadpan.

“Personally, the latter would be nice. It bothers me that the village boundaries are less than perfectly unambiguous.” The desire to describe my escapade with Sekibanki nearly made my head explode, but I reigned it in.

“Wait, you want to stay in the human village?” I asked. We were journeying to each of the booths together, to try to make a decision on where we’d go. I had imagined that the others wanted to stick together as much as I did. Even as we specialized we’d live together in the dorm… but it would be nice to share classes with them, too, even if the ‘classes’ were just a bunch of work for monsters.

“I mean, I want to live,” said Wiki. “And danmaku is a bust for me.”

“It’s too soon to give up!” said Arnold, who still hadn’t produced danmaku himself. “Like, a quarter of the class has made it. You are so close!”

“A quarter of what’s left,” said Wiki. “Nine-tenths of the class has dropped out. That’s why people are getting bored.”

“Almost all the groups are providing an escort,” said Sasha. “We can leave the village even without danmaku, so the part about not knowing danmaku isn't important.”

“If you guys knew what was out there, you’d hesitate a lot more,” said Wiki.

An awkward silence descended over the group. Wiki was headstrong; I fully believed he’d bitch out and become a distant roommate in our one-room dormitory, especially if we kept arguing with him about it. I wondered if the others felt the same; that arguing would lead him to dig in his heels… and that they didn’t want him to do that.

“I’ll think about it,” he finally said.

—

We went to the Moriya Shrine’s booth first. None of us wanted to actually work there, I was pretty sure, but you have to start somewhere. It was the closest booth to the edge of the grounds at the village center.

Kochiya Sanae was talking to a group of would-be religious assistants. She was describing the tranquility of the shrine, the ponds behind it, and how shrine maintenance would lead to enlightenment. She was also wearing traditional shrine maiden robes. They were considerably more reserved than her parade outfit, and I was vaguely ashamed I’d even noticed. Perhaps she had space-warping magic.

“Will you provide danmaku lessons?” asked a voice I recognized.

It was Raghav. He stood out in the small crowd. Most of the immigrants had eventually traded their clothes for local varieties–robes and kimonos–but he was still dressed in his Indian finery. Even my red shirt had finally fallen to pieces, but I was stubbornly holding onto hope for my pants.

Raghav seemed more comfortable than ever. Maybe he’d finally gotten undies that were immune to danmaku, or decided to go commando like some youkai.

“Erm,” said Sanae, rubbing the back of her head. “Sometimes visitors wish to partake in danmaku, it’s true, but our assistant role…”

“Yes,” said a woman’s voice from behind the booth. It was Yasaka Kanako, the goddess of the Moriya Shrine. She had dark blue hair and a mirror around her neck. I hadn’t known she was the goddess of wind and rain, but Wiki was happily whispering facts to our group already.

“Yes,” said Sanae. “We will offer danmaku lessons in lieu of pay, if that is your preference.” Behind her, her patron nodded in approval.

“How about a date?” asked someone, and Sanae frowned and let out a little laugh.

“Well, it’s not impossible,” she finally said.

“What is your name?” asked Kanako. The man told her. “Congratulations. You are banned from the Moriya Shrine.”

“My lady,” said Sanae, “The supplicant was making a joke.”

“I wasn’t joking,” he said, at about the same time Kanako spoke over him.

“Even more than supplicants, faith requires respect. It is something Miss Yakumo seems to have forgotten during her selection of migrants from the Outside World. Anyone who is here to woo Miss Kochiya, please leave.”

A few people left. Sasha took a step away, but Arnold grabbed her arm. They had a whispered argument about looking bad versus saving time. Sasha denied any interest in Sanae, personally, or the Shrine in general.

“But the primary task for a supplicant is cleaning the lake,” said Raghav. Kanako gave him a cool stare.

“The lake is divine and requires little intervention,” she said. “The ponds are what require maintenance.”

“I see.”

“Prayer is another duty,” she said.

“Uh-huh.”

“They are beautiful ponds,” said Sanae. “They are surrounded by pinwheels and mechanisms of the air. It is a beauty that only becomes more apparent with service.”

“Hmmm.”

“The number of visitors is expected to increase. We’ll need help sharing our shrine’s beauty with the whole village, and it will be work with some prestige. You’d be a supplicant, but also a proselytizer of sorts.” Sanae laughed. “It’s easy to believe in a goddess, when you can see her right there!”

“No thanks,” said Raghav, regally. He turned to leave.

“Do you plan to instead work at the Hakurei Shrine?” asked Kanako, a challenge in her voice.

“As a matter of fact, I do,” he stated.

Of course he did; it was a good idea, one that I’d already had myself. I’d been planning on the very same and I was still considering it. The only problem was that if I went to the Hakurei Shrine, I’d have no reason or ability to go near Misty Lake, and Wakasagihime would continue starving to death.

At the mention of Reimu, Sanae’s expression became a lot icier than it had been when people were merely hitting on her.

“She definitely has a hate-boner for Reimu,” said Sasha in the faintest whisper. I thought it was unwise to say so in the presence of a goddess. People generally played nice in Gensokyo, but part of that was not bad-mouthing deities or their disciples… probably.

“They both do,” said Wiki.

“The Hakurei Shrine in particular needs some assistance,” said Kanako. “There are very few people in Gensokyo with more money than sense, and fewer still who appreciate slovenliness and disrepair.” The Hakurei shrine did have some problems, but I’d mostly forgotten about them over the course of our lessons there.

Raghav’s jaw tightened, but after a moment he left. Perhaps he thought better than mouthing off. Wiki exhaled beside me, but he sucked his breath right back in when Sanae turned to address us.

“Are you interested in becoming a shrine maiden?” she asked. She was talking to Sasha, the only woman in the crowd.

“Doesn’t it involve dealing with a lot of visitors?” asked Sasha. Sanae nodded. “I hate customer service jobs, but thanks anyway.”

“What is your name?” asked Kanako. When Sasha answered I half-expected another ban, but she went on in an even tone. “If you change your mind, you’re always welcome at the Moriya Shrine. Do visit us and see the mechanisms, even if you aren’t interested in work.”

After nodding and saying some polite words, we left.

–

We visited the booths one-by-one, learning the ways that humans might venture out into greater Gensokyo. There was lots of janitorial work, but there were at least two research groups as well.

We had a short conversation with Hoshiguma Yuugi about the underground hot spring. Yuugi was a tall, muscular, orange-haired, broad-chested and single-horned oni. As Arnold asked her a few questions about hot springs policy (drinking is mandatory) I tried very hard not to notice whether she was wearing a bra (she wasn’t).

We passed a booth for youkai mountain. Nitori had more than a dozen engineers surrounding her. If the look on her face was any indication, not many of them passed muster.

“What kind of person memorizes material properties for fun?” asked a man.

“Yeah, well, there ain’t no internet in Gensokyo,” she said. “We got books fer that. How many of yall have a photographic memory?”

“My memory isn’t photographic…” admitted a man in glasses, “but I don’t mind looking things up.”

“No way, the pages’ll get dirty. And the library has a strict no-loan policy.”

“I didn’t mean in the field! I could take notes.”

“A no-notes policy too,” said Nitori.

“Let’s skip that group,” said Wiki. “Too many eggheads.” Sasha laughed at him.

We were walking past a statue when a gap opened on the ground right in front of Wiki, causing him to stumble.

“Whoa!” he said before he fell face-first into the eye-filled abyss. The portal disappeared.

“Wiki?” asked Arnold. “Wiki! Nooooo!”

“Oh, calm the fuck down,” said Sasha. “Yukari’s just having her one-on-one with him.”

“Oh, is that all,” I said, wiping my brow. “Er, how do you know that?”

“I had mine already,” said Sasha. We both stared at her. “You didn’t even notice I was gone.”

“When did this happen?” I asked.

“While you were talking with Yuugi,” she said, shaking her head. “Damn, I knew you were checking her out, but that’s fuckin’ pathetic. I was gone for like fifteen minutes!”

“I wasn’t!” I lied.

“Er, no comment,” said Arnold. “Should we… wait for Wiki?”

“We’ll just go to the Bamboo Forest booth,” said Sasha, “Let’s wait for Wiki there.”

As it turned out, he was already waiting for us when we arrived. It seemed like his one-on-one hadn’t taken more than a few minutes. Wiki had a somber expression. If I had to guess, Yukari had shut down his stream of questions pretty quickly.

At the Bamboo Forest booth he didn’t even remember to ask Keine about immortality. It was one of the main reasons he’d wanted to talk to the medical group.

–

After visiting several more booths, disagreements were starting to arise.

“Hieda’s research group seems… safest,” said Wiki. “I wouldn’t have to leave the village, and my knowledge of all things Touhou would be a great boon to their effort.”

“But the underground,” said Arnold. “A hot spring. Full of hot ogres.”

“Do you mean…. literally hot?” asked Wiki.

“Yes, literally!” he said, and I still didn’t think he meant it that way.

“I told you that place was deadly, right?”

“That doesn’t matter. Yuugi will protect me.” I had the sense from listening to her that all the drunken oni really, really hated doing basic maintenance and carrying trays of beer. Their hotsprings could certainly use motivated and deferential human employees.

Yuugi had promised to escort any humans herself. I had paid very close attention to her spiel while avoiding even glancing at her boobs or the long horn sticking out of her forehead. I didn’t want to offend a demon that was ten inches taller than me, with visible biceps and abdominals. Really, a lot had been visible with Yuugi.

I shook my head. She’d been flirtatious, on top of everything. And yet Nitori had earned as much attention, while being a completely dismissive tiny turtle youkai. I had the thought that there were two kinds of Touhou fans, and that they made decisions with different parts of their bodies.

“I feel like Hell is calling me,” said Arnold. “She is literally horny, you know.”

Wiki’s mouth was working as he tried to come up with some sort of objection. I thought about saying this was more of a ‘figurative’ concern, but before I could think of how to word it Sasha offered her own insight.

Sasha, fortunately for our group, didn’t mince her words.

“Your dick is going to get you killed,” she said. “You don’t even know danmaku. Some other oni with designs on her is going to see you ogling Yuugi, and that’ll be that. Smarter humans will get to clean up the blood.”

“She said she liked my beard,” objected Arnold.

“That’s not even relevant at all,” said Wiki.

“She’d defend me!”

“She also said she liked my hat,” I added. “She was recruiting, Arnold.”

“Yeah, well, I was persuaded,” he said.

“We should not go there,” said Wiki. “Not yet.”

“I’m with Wiki on this one,” I said.

Arnold sighed. “Well, we can’t all join Hieda’s research group. She only needs like three people, and I don’t know anything about Touhou anyway.”

“Haven’t you been listening to my explanations?” asked Wiki.

“That’s how I know I don’t know.”

“We need to leave the village,” said Sasha. “We can’t practice if we stay inside.”

“Do any of the other groups appeal to you?” I asked. She shook her head, then paused.

“I wish Satori was recruiting,” she finally said.

“Isn’t her house just past the hot springs?” asked Arnold.

“Yeah, but she doesn’t need any help. It’s whatever. Let’s just go talk to the Scarlet Devil Mansion.”

“They make the oni look safe,” said Wiki. “How about the Myouren Temple instead?”

“Hijiri’s group?” asked Sasha, skeptically. “She’s surprisingly dangerous, just to give you a heads-up.”

“Nazrin’s group,” said Arnold. “That’s totally not fair, dude.”

“There are other youkai there,” said Wiki. “Lots of girls, I promise.”

“Hijiri is a Buddhist nun,” said Arnold. “You want to go to a gods-damned nunnery!”

“Yeah, what of it?” he said, his voice rising. “Not everything is about sex, jerk! And at least it’s outside the village!”

“So’s the hotspring!”

“Fuckin’ men,” said Sasha.

“They aren’t fuckin’, which is the problem,” I said. We were walking up to a booth with elegant red tapestries hanging from it. There was a line. Apparently, the Scarlet Devil Mansion was a popular choice.

“And you are?” she asked.

“Well, no, but–”

“There’s nothing at the Scarlet Devil Mansion for any of us,” said Wiki. “They are vampires, which isn’t safe, and most of them look like children, which doesn’t appeal to Arnold’s idiocy or mine.”

“There’s only the two loli vampires,” said Sasha.

“First, you don’t know that, and second, don’t erase the fairies. That’s discrimination!”

“There’s a lot for us there,” I said, earning some concerned stares from my roommates. “Patchouli, for example. She could teach us to fly.”

“Ah, yeah, good,” said Sasha. “I’m sure she’ll jump at the chance. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you forgot about Meiling, Wiki.” Meiling was the gate guard, a muscular Chinese character famous for falling asleep at the gate. She was also one of the more adult-looking youkai.

I’d once seen a fan animation of her fighting Yuugi, in fact. They were both tall and muscular fighters.

“You do like women,” Wiki told Sasha.

“I don’t like anybody,” she replied. “I’m just trying to think of youkai that won’t kill Arnold, if he makes a pass, and Meiling is one of like four of them.”

“Oh?” said Arnold. “Who are the other three?”

—

The line to talk to the Scarlet Devil Mansion moved surprisingly fast. There was a group of humans sitting at a table nearby. They were filling out paperwork, or something like that.

A bit more odd was the man trying to lift a heavy sword above his head. Four fairies in maid attire were nervously flitting around him, swooping in and steadying the blade. The ground nearby was littered with discarded swords, as well as a flat stone with a thick white tile on it. Another fairy maid led two people to the table before flying back to the Scarlet Devil Mansion’s recruitment booth.

I was surprised to see which three youkai were manning the booth.

The first was Patchouli Knowledge, the librarian and powerful mage. She wore purple and pink pajamas and had long, straight purple hair. Wiki had explained that she was a rare type of youkai magician who was born with magical prowess and that she’d never been human. If you thought that meant she hadn’t worked hard for her abilities, you’d be dead wrong. Patchouli had mastered every type of magic before coming to Gensokyo, and even while running the booth she was studying from a book. She was the equal of the mistress of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, the vampire Remilia Scarlet, in power if not in stamina.

The second youkai was Remilia herself.

She looked like a twelve-year-old girl with a parasol. Her hair was blue, and her dress was white and red, matching her eyes. She had a cold expression on her face, one befitting a vampire. It was ruthless in a way that didn’t make her look older so much as inhuman and murderous, like a snake or a shark. I could barely look at her. The visible fangs might be part of the effect, but her pallid skin also had an unnatural, oily sheen to it. I couldn’t help but notice that her inseparable companion, the maid Izayoi Sakuya, was absent.

The third youkai was a fairy in maid attire with red highlights. Maroon, I remembered; we had once done laundry with her in the river. She seemed plainly unhappy.

The fairy was flitting around, taking papers and guiding people. Remilia and Patchouli just looked bored. We stepped up to talk with them.

“We have a screening process,” said Patchouli. Her voice was soft. “Touch this book. One at a time, if you please, and watch your step.” There was a pile of ash on the ground in front of the table.

“What’s this ash about?” asked Wiki.

“We ask the questions here,” said Remilia, making all of us jump. Her voice was a girl’s voice, but she spoke with a confidence that would rend the air. I was pretty sure the wind had changed for her words.

“A security measure,” added Patchouli. “Touch the book.”

The book was a brown volume with golden pages. Arnold stepped forward and touched it. Nothing happened, and Patchouli waved for Sasha to go next. I went after her.

For a moment there was warmth at my core. Patchouli’s eyebrow rose, but she gestured for me to step aside so that Wiki could touch it.

“What kind of book is it?” he asked, suspiciously.

“Oh come the fuck on,” said Sasha. “We all touched it, and we’re just fine!”

“Maybe it’s too late for you. Is this a magical test?”

“Yes,” said Patchouli. “Your hesitancy isn’t doing your application any favors.”

“This might be a thing that steals souls, or copies minds, or… or… erases knowledge of vampires, or something!”

“I like this one,” said Remilia with the tiniest smile. Her voice was no longer rending the air: it seemed she could turn that on and off. “He makes good suggestions.”

Patchouli sighed. “It’s the Bible.”

“Wait, what?” I said.

“Why a Bible?” asked Wiki, his suspicion hardly diminished.

“Three reasons,” said Patchouli, holding up a finger. “First, to test if you are a vampire trying to sneak into the mansion. It is unlikely, because you aren’t wearing sunscreen, but you never know.” Remilia’s oily sheen made a lot more sense, suddenly.

“Uh…”

“If you are a vampire, I’m terribly sorry, but we have enough vampires already.”

“I’m not.”

“Good. Second, this measure will also forestall any demons attempting to get close to the Mistress.” She flipped a page in her book. “If you happen to be an unbound demon, you can just let me know. We’d recruit you instantly, and this excursion would become a lot more successful than it has been so far.”

“I’m not a demon.”

“A pity. Third, I enchanted the book. It will cause any vampire hunters that touch it to burst into flame.”

“What?”

I gulped. I hadn’t really thought about whether defeating a vampire would be a net good for the humans in Gensokyo, and I resolved to continue not thinking about it in case it turned me into a ‘vampire hunter’.

“It is a poetic reversal,” she said, somewhat defensively. “Anyway, please touch the book now.”

“Wait, is that what that is?” said Wiki, pointing to the pile of ashes. “A–a–a vampire, or a demon, or a vampire hunter?”

“I don’t know,” said Patchouli. “I didn’t get a chance to ask him.”