ALL NOVEL 34: In Which The Rules are Explained as Clearly as Possible
“Let’s get down to business,” said Lady Saigyouji. I hope she meant it. The fan and mischievous look made me think of Yukari. She was also drinking from a cup of sake. “Is there anything you still want from us, first? We will accommodate you if at all possible!”
“I take it that my current ability to see ghosts is temporary?” I asked. I shifted in the booth a bit; I was cognizant of the fact it would look like I was talking to an empty seat, or perhaps that I was talking to Youmu without facing her. Most of the people in the bar were staring at us. Even Raghav was looking at our booth, but when I glanced at him he turned away.
“Hakuroken’s enlightenment is fleeting, unless you are cut very often indeed,” said Youmu. Wiki would be upset to hear that. It was just like him to think that a momentary insight was permanent, though.
“Well, I appreciate it all the same.” I looked at the coin pouch I’d set on the table. “Do you have any suggestions for a more permanent solution for seeing ghosts?”
“Have you considered becoming a ghost?” said Lady Saigyouji, fluttering her eyes. “You could see me any time you wanted, then!”
I found myself looking at the white triangle on her blue hat. It was less awkward than looking at her face, because when I looked at her face I felt my eyes being drawn downward. The handkerchief around her forehead meant something about being dead: the triangle was a thing that dead people wore. It had a red symbol on it.
Saigyouji Yuyuko didn’t look as much like a corpse as the vampire Remilia Scarlet, which was odd if you thought about it. Her cheeks were a little flushed. She had been drinking. Her chest rose and fell with her breath.
However, like the vampire, she had a predatory look in her eye. Later, Wiki would inform me that Saigyouji Yuyuko’s ability was manipulating death itself. The ghost princess had the ability to cause any person to die within a short time. Only then would I realize how lucky I was that I unambiguously refused her offer.
“No, thank you. Are there any other options?”
“I would offer you regular practice in battle,” said Youmu, “We could fight until Hakurouken left an indelible mark on your soul. However, I am busy with work and cannot afford such distractions.” She looked down at my coin bag. “Neither can you, it would seem.”
“Don’t be cruel, Youmu,” said Lady Saigyouji, who had instructed her subordinate to cut people’s hair and clothes to make them go away. “The size of the coin purse isn’t everything."
“Of course, my Lady.”
“Youmu’s time is valuable,” said the ghost. She smiled and leaned forward a bit. “However, there are certain duties that one could take up at Hakugyokurou. We get so few visitors there.”
“What sort of duties?” I asked. She was incorporeal, I reminded myself; she wouldn't want a massage, or anything like that.
“You could make us dinner.”
“My Lady!” started Youmu.
“You are excellent at slicing vegetables, my dear, and your fare is delicious. But even a lesser cook could free up some of your time for other concerns. And wouldn’t it be fun for a man to wait on us, once in a while?” Lady Saigyouji fluttered her fan. “One or two men? One each, perhaps?”
Youmu frowned. It wouldn’t be fun for her at all, was my impression.
“I could entertain two guests on my own,” added Lady Saigyouji.
“I’m a terrible cook,” I said. “Also, I’m already employed, so… it would have to be a one-time favor.” My constant problem was that I didn’t have enough time.
“I do wish you’d favor me,” said Lady Saigyouji. “Even if it were a single, brief liaison! If you can’t cook, perhaps you can sing or dance? I’ve heard that dancing has come a long way in the Outside World.”
“If so, I’m not aware of it.”
“Not your area of expertise,” said the ghost with a nod. “Fair enough.”
“If I must battle him as a reward, will this actually save me any time?” asked Youmu.
“They will be very short battles, dear.”
“A fair point.”
“You know,” I said. “My friend Arnold can cook. He might take you up on the offer, especially if you teach him about physical danmaku.” The least I could do is be a good wingman.
“Arnold Thatcher, the bearded gentleman who is beaming at us?” asked Lady Saigyouji. “He’s charming, if a bit… dense, for my liking.”
“He’s probably more corporeal than most of us,” I admitted. “I think he’d be a good entertainer though.”
“Oh really? Perhaps I misjudged him!”
“I don’t like him,” said Youmu. She didn’t explain why.
“So you’d stab him repeatedly?” asked the ghost. “As payment, of course, of course.” Her voice was getting faint. I rubbed my eyes; she was starting to blur. Lady Saigyouji’s sake cup was in her hand, but it was also sitting on the table at an empty seat. Then it wasn’t in her hand, anymore, because I couldn’t tell where her hand was.
“I think one cut would be sufficient,” responded the swordswoman. “Multiple? Unlikely.”
“Lady Saigyouji is fading,” I said.
Youmu put her blade right in front of my face, stabbing my hat again. I flinched, and felt grateful she’d remembered to point the blade up instead of down, even if it was danmaku. Lady Saigyouji’s outline reappeared. I had two new insights; first, that poltergeists might just be frustrated ghosts that hated the self-censoring nature of being a ghost (given that when I couldn’t see Yuyuko, I also didn’t see flying dango sticks). The second insight was that if I didn’t say something, Youmu might get into trouble for using danmaku. Before I could say anything, I yawned.
“Sorry…” I said. “I’m not sure what came over me.”
“Hakuroken’s effect is not without cost,” said Youmu. “Your fatigue will only grow.”
“By the way, you aren’t supposed to use danmaku inside the village.”
“My Lady informed me that it was allowed, for the purposes of safety and avoiding harm.”
“If that’s true, nobody ever told us as much.” Wasn’t that the whole point of danmaku in the first place? I inferred no-one had explained the risk of losing to a youkai, to her. “You know, a youkai could use the danmaku to make people leave the safety of the village? So it’s banned?”
Youmu stared at her ghostly boss.
“I may have fibbed a little bit,” said Saigyouji Yuyuko.
“My Lady,” said Youmu, with some consternation. “I’m certain those rules are important!”
“All this chatting,” said Lady Saigyouji, “And I haven’t even gotten around to my questions!”
“I thought you wanted me to cook for you?” I said.
“I do, but let’s not be so limited in our thinking! I also wanted to ask something of you specifically.” She gave me an earnest look. “What is going on in the Outside World, with regard to this ‘AI’?
At least I’d had some practice explaining. “It’s complicated. The short answer is–” that AI was poised to end humanity by acquiring all our wealth, and everybody could feel it, I tried to say.
“Unimportant,” said Yakumo Yukari as a gap deposited her beside Lady Saigyouji. I heard a yelp from across the room: my roommates were still watching, and once again I felt a dozen stares on me. Wiki looked particularly upset that I'd summoned the ruler of Gensokyo.
“Oh!” said Lady Saigyouji. “I’m glad to see you, Yukari.” The supremely tall purple-clothed youkai put an arm around the ghost’s shoulders and squeezed her. I somehow felt envious of both of them. “You don’t usually come with us to dinner!”
“Can we make this a double-date?” asked Yukari with a smile. Youmu gave me a look that would hurt my feelings for months and scooted a bit further away. “I figured I’d pop in just this once. You seem to be having a lot of fun. Perhaps even too much!”
“Yes, it’s been delightful!” said Lady Saigyouji. Yukari asked Lady Saigyouji about how things were going in the spirit world. “We were thinking of hiring a cook to mix things up a little bit! Mr. Thorne here can’t do it. Instead I was asking him about art official intelligence.”
“You are confused,” said Yukari. “It’s so charming.”
“I can help clarify things,” I said.
“But that would ruin the experience,” added Yukari. “Why don’t we discuss cooking, instead? Mister Thatcher’s resume recommends him. I can assure you, he knows his ham and eggs.”
“But Mister Thorne was going to do an information trade,” said Lady Saigyouji, pouting a bit. “This was a business meeting, if it had become anything.”
Youmu nodded quickly, twisting the knife about my dateability.
“I know,” said Yukari. The youkai reached out and covered the ghost’s ears. Lady Saigyouji blinked and smiled pleasantly. She didn’t try to move Yukari’s hands.
The god of gaps and boundaries spoke to me.
“I’ve been talking to Yuyuko about artificial intelligence, myself, in a limited capacity. I’m using her as a confidant and advisor. An unbiased advisor, so please refrain from ruining her perspective.”
“Oh,” I said. “Okay.” What was I gonna do, argue with a god? Also, Yukari must have meant really unbiased, if her advisor couldn’t even be allowed to learn basic terminology.
“Actually, I would request that you never discuss artificial intelligence with anyone.” Yukari was staring down at me intently. Lady Saigyouji had begun to hum and shuffle a little bit. Her ears were still covered by Yukari’s gloved hands. “You came here to escape all that, didn’t you?”
“Uh…” I said, very stupidly. I gathered some courage. “Okay, I guess I won’t if–it’s just that–would you please tell me why?”
“So that youkai don’t get distracted.”
“Uh huh.”
“When have I ever been duplicitous with you?” asked Yukari. I had no idea how often it was, except ‘very’, and it occurred to me that she probably wanted me to remember that very fact. “We wouldn’t want to worry anyone about things that are outside their control. Youkai concerns are within Gensokyo.”
“Well, if artificial intelligence is still advancing–”
“Thank you for your understanding.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Allow me to reward you.” She released Lady Saigyouji’s ears. “Yuyuko, make Youmu stab him with Hakuroken.”
“Stab him,” said the ghost, immediately.
Immediately, Youmu stabbed me. For real, in my side, a bit toward the back. “Yes, my Lady,” she said afterward.
As a stinging pain made it way up my side, I had a few more insights. Yukari had spoken with Yuyuko about me, because Lady Saigyouji had ‘heard my name.’ However, she hadn’t said she only knew my name; she’d known Arnold’s as well.
Yukari claimed I wasn’t special. Yuyuko was invisible to most people. Yuyuko had commented on my personality and Arnold’s, and Yukari had recruited many youkai to help her deal with the humans and their immigration.
Satori had been the first immigration officer.
All that meant that Yuyuko was probably part of the screening process into Gensokyo, and maybe an attendant of our check-in meetings as well. And since she was invisible, we hadn’t noticed her.
This insight was useless to me, at the moment, but I appreciated it all the same. I felt my breath catch in my side. I was afraid to breathe; there was a sword between my ribs.
“We’re going to have to talk about when it’s acceptable to break the rules,” said Yukari, tut-tutting. “I didn’t mean for you to kill him, Youmu.”
“Not even a little bit?” asked Lady Saigyouji.
“He’s still alive, Lady Yakumo,” added the swordswoman.
Yukari was looking down at my torso, which suddenly had a hole in it. Youmu pulled out her blade. The blood came almost immediately. I put some pressure on the wound.
“You actually stabbed me,” I said. “Owww….”
“I’m not supposed to use danmaku, right?” responded Youmu. “I aimed for something redundant. You’re welcome.”
The pain was starting to sear. I felt a tension and pressure inside me; organs had been damaged. A kidney, if I had to guess, but I could only guess. Blood was streaming out, a lot of it too.
“Here, let me help you,” said Yukari. The youkai of gaps and boundaries stuck her hand into a gap and I felt a pressure at my side. I thought she was holding the wound shut until help could arrive, at least for a moment. I considered calling for help. Who would come, though?
Instead the wound closed. The tension didn’t vanish, but it took on a new character.
“I closed you up,” said the purple youkai. “I restored the boundary between you and the outside. Try not to run too much for the next few weeks, alright?”
“Ugh?” I said. I looked down. Yukari had also repaired my blue-gray yukata; purple, red and white threads held the hole shut. “That’s not…” I coughed, and it hurt, but at least no blood came out or anything. “That’s not what I’d call a reward.” I looked at my fingers that were still wet and red.
“No, it’s an extremely adequate reward,” said Yukari. “An advance payment for your discretion. I considered offering you a free panty-peek, but this seems more appropriate and valuable.”
“I don’t want to see your panties.”
“I can show you anyone’s panties,” she replied. “But that power is too great for man.”
The statement made me wonder if ghosts or half-phantoms even wore panties. I couldn’t contemplate it deeply, because I’d been stabbed.
“We should let humans sit with us more often!” said Lady Saigyouji. “I didn’t realize it would be so much fun.”
“It’s time for us to go,” said Yukari. “And don’t worry, I will settle the bill.” Lady Saigyouji and Yukari disappeared into a gap. A stack of coins landed on the counter beside Miyoi, out of another gap. She took the money to the register. I noticed the waitresses' hands were trembling; people probably didn’t get stabbed all that often, at Heidontei. She walked some change over to our table.
Youmu turned toward me. I wasn’t quite ready to stand up.
“Looks like you gotta take the bus,” I said, grimacing. “Are you going to stab me again?”
“I am sorry,” she said, a look of pity on her face. Her phantom half floated toward the door, drawing no-one’s attention. “My Lady can be capricious.”
“Which one?”
“Both. I’ll seek out your friend later. I may not like him, but I must follow my Lady’s command.” She looked around, then started to whisper. “Sometimes it’s nice to not have to cook. Now kindly get out of my way.”
I stood as fast as I could and gingerly walked back to our table. Youmu went to the front of the izakaya. Half the people watched her go, half looked at me instead.
Youmu opened the door. On the other side was the vampire Remilia Scarlet. She looked right at me, and Youmu the half phantom walked past her with scarcely a backward glance.
“Aw fuck,” said Wiki, before I could even sit down. “Forget going outside the village, you are the dangerous one! Get away from me!”
“I can see her wings,” I said. Remilia had two immense black bat-wings behind her, but they were shrinking as I watched. “Are they ghostly?”
“No?” asked Arnold. “I can see them too.”
“I think she flew here?” asked Wiki. “What’s she waiting for?”
“Come in!” called Miyoi over her shoulder, and the vampire stepped forward. The server turned around, saw who she’d invited in, and dropped a glass. It shattered.
I could hear my heartbeat in the silence that followed.
“Is somebody here about to kill one of my subordinates?” asked Remilia, loudly and confidently. “I got the distinct sense that someone might be thinking about it.” Nobody would look at her. She narrowed her eyes. I looked down at my side, and at my bloodied hand. She walked up to me and spoke at a lowered volume. “Mister Thorne, Mister Thatcher, are you both safe?”
“Yes, Lady Remilia,” said Arnold. “Pretty drunk, too!” He threw back his latest drink.
“Charming.”
“I’m alright,” I said. “My Lady, thank you. I didn’t expect…”
“You didn’t expect me to come to your aid?” she asked, looking down at my wound. “That is the deal we made. I continue to be frustrated that people don’t take me at my word.”
“Apologies, Lady Remilia,” I said. “I doubted my importance, not your commitment.”
She nodded. “I can sense that the danger has passed. It usually does, when I make an appearance. Next time tell them I’m coming before they stick you.” She looked around the establishment again, causing people to look away, then she glanced at my hand. Remilia licked her lips. “It’s useful to be able to smell blood in the water ahead of time, don’t you think? I would have gotten here sooner if my… assistant wasn’t busy.”
“D–d–do you want to join us?” asked Wiki. “Don’t feel obligated or anything!”
“I guess I am kind of thirsty…” said the vampire.
“Not as thirsty as Lady Saigyouji,” I muttered.
“... but no, thank you.”
“Um,” I said. I considered offering for her to lick my fingers, and my face burned in embarrassment at the mere thought. The whole establishment was still staring at us.
“This place doesn’t serve my kind of drink,” added the vampire. “Take care, Mister Thorne, Mister Thatcher. I don’t appreciate it when my possessions are damaged.” Remilia turned around and walked out just as quickly as she had come. The back of her outfit had a small opening for her wings to protrude from. The wings grew in size until they were ten feet wide.
Remilia shot into the night air before the door had finished closing. Miyoi meekly walked over and pulled the door shut. I felt an entire izakaya’s worth of eyes on me.
“Let’s go home,” I suggested.
“Good idea!” said Miyoi. “Thank you for visiting!” She pulled out my chair for me. But before we could make it to the door, we were interrupted again.
“Hey, Mister Thorne,” said Raghav.
“I’m Jake,” I said.
“Jake. It seems you’ve made some powerful… well, I was going to say ‘friends’.”
“I’m never drinking again,” I said, at about the same time as Wiki. Raghav followed us out.
—
“So Youmu didn’t stab you because your dick was too small?” asked Arnold, holding his hands apart like he was covering an invisible woman’s ears, or bragging about a fish he caught.
“Small?” asked Wiki. Sasha began to laugh. “And after all that, you somehow failed to help me learn anything about danmaku or recruit a new ally?”
“Shut up, man,” I said as I held my side. “I got stabbed.”
Sasha had looked at my wound. It was just a scar on the outside, but it still ached like a motherfucker. We were walking slowly back to the dorm. It was already night, and Sasha had told us that Satori went back home to the underground every evening. I was ready to go home myself, but we had one more thing to deal with.
“What’s up, Raghav?” I asked.
“How’d you get in Remilia’s good graces?”
“I’m not sure I am,” I said, truthfully.
“It seemed like she owed you a favor.”
I considered lying to him to make myself seem powerful, or telling him how Sakuya asked me to teach the fairies to learn to read in exchange for the ability to fly, but I opted for simplicity instead.
“Arnold and I are employees at the Scarlet Devil Mansion,” I said. “She protects her own.”
“I see,” he said. “I refused to fill out the form. The question about the fate of my corpse unsettled me.”
“It was pretty unsettling.” Nobody who worked there had answered in the negative. Arnold had learned that all the martial artists were organ donors in spirit, but I didn’t bring that up. I’d had an argument with Sasha and Wiki about my choice already. I understood the incentives, but it wasn’t in my nature to lie on surveys, and I truly didn’t care what happened to my corpse once I was dead.
“I’m starting to think I missed an opportunity,” said Raghav. “I thought your willingness to serve was confusing… do you lack the will to power?”
“I’m doing it to learn to fly,” I said, leaving off the ‘shithead’ I wanted to append. I ended up explaining the deal I’d made with the Scarlet Devil Mansion anyway. I left out the part about Sakuya brokering the deal, at least.
“I see,” he said. “Well. If you are taught to fly, I’d appreciate insight into the matter. Reimu has been trying to teach me,” that jerk, “but she doesn't have the art of a teacher; her skills are practical.”
“Yeah.” I recalled her beating my ass as part of a demonstration.
“Either way, you seem like a good person to know. Someone with the ear of the powerful.” He stuck out his hand with the watch. I shook it.
“Thanks, but that’d actually be Wiki,” I said, as inspiration struck me. Raghav tilted his head. “In fact, I’ll commit to telling you everything I learn… if you help us with a problem, first.”