Yakumo Yukari Gapped Me to Another World; Now I'm Trapped in the Human Village Full of Pathetic Touhou Maniacs

Wiki cut away from the group he had joined and began to walk with us.

“Everybody in this village is a poser,” he said, somewhat huffily.

“You too?” I asked. Wiki had a pained look on his face.

“Maybe? Tell me, do you remember who was the extra stage boss of Subterranean Animism?”

“What? Of course!” It was the supremely-popular… well, I was blanking on her name, but I definitely knew who he was talking about. Except that I couldn’t remember any details about her. That was odd, right? I pondered it as I tried to keep up with our nameless guide. She walked us across the field.

“Were you listing names again?” asked Arnold, conversationally.

“Yeah,” Wiki admitted. “I got stuck, though.”

“I see.”

“Where are we being led, anyway?’

“To talk to Hijiri and Miko,” I said. As we approached, Hijiri was calmly explaining something to an Indian man. Our guide bowed somewhat playfully, so we bowed to Hijiri as well, but nobody seemed to react. Miko was standing beside Hijiri with a frustrated look on her face.

“In my village, I would not be forced to take roommates,” said the Indian man. He was dressed in slacks and some sort of fancy jacket. It made him stand out a bit amongst all the primary-colored tees.

“This is my village,” said Miko. She slapped her scepter into one of her hands. Her dirty blonde hair was tied back into two messy tufts that shook when she shook her head. “You’ll have to take roommates, or take a hike.”

Hijiri sighed. “You are the Relocation Effort Administrator, but this is not yet your village.” She turned to the Indian man. “Raghav, please open your mind. Having three roommates is meant to help foster community. It is an opportunity–”

“I prefer to live alone,” said Raghav.

“I do as well, I assure you.” Hijiri smiled at him beatifically.

Her hair was purple near her scalp, but it transitioned to light blonde at the ends. She was pretty, and a bit less skinny than most of the other youkai we’d seen. Despite myself, I looked down at her hip and saw a scroll there. I swallowed. In Gensokyo, a scroll could be more dangerous than a gun. It was probably the Sorcerer's Sutra Scroll, which would grant immense strength and speed when activated. Only Byakuren Hijiri could use it.

Gensokyo seemed to like open carrying, given the guns, scrolls, and scepters.

“Sometimes we must accept a level of inconvenience,” said Hijiri. “Solitude is the greatest teacher, but your attachment to solitude may be disrupting your lessons?”

“What? No, I merely hate the unclean.” His jaw was set, and he wasn’t looking at any of the dozens of men milling about around the field. At least one of them was picking his nose. “For purity, I should be kept away.”

“The hatred is strong in this one,” said Miko. “He’s practically shouting it.” Hijiri gave her a cool look before returning her attention to Raghav.

“Hatred is one of the three poisons,” said Hijiri. “If you truly wish to attain purity, you’ll have to overcome your aversion to others before you embrace solitude.”

Hijiri elaborated to Raghav about the Eightfold Path, and how Right Intention and Right View would require Raghav to change his perspective. He genially tolerated the lecture, but when Hijiri mentioned that he’d be able to move out later, he seemed to relax more. Then he argued that he could skip straight to the moving out part, if you please. His anger had gone out, at least. I kind of admired how gently she let him down.

Hijiri was a buddhist nun. Much of her power came from her studies. On the other hand, she’d attained immortality through black magic, and had dedicated her life to protecting youkai. Byakuren Hijiri had once been human, but was now a youkai herself. She was powerful.

The same could be said of Miko, minus the bit about swearing to protect others.

“This could go on all day,” said Miko. She finally turned to our group. “Let’s ditch ‘em, eh?”

“Sure,” I said, but she wasn’t looking at me. There was an awkward silence, then Miko nodded.

“We’ll go there right away.” Another silence. “Could you say that again?” asked Miko, to nobody.

“Who are you talking to?” asked Wiki.

“Komeiji Koishi,” said Miko, and I promptly forgot it. “She speaks very softly. Koishi says you three would be a good match for our… problem child.”

“Do you mean Raghav?” asked Wiki. Raghav was still arguing with Hijiri. I was trying to tune them out, but it was only partially successful. Raghav had learned that there were communal baths and was throwing a fit.

“Pfft, no, this punk’s a piece of cake. Hijiri will wait for three other rich snobs to come along, and they can all live together and try to impress each other. Come with me.” She led us toward a tent on the edge of the field. Wiki took the opportunity to ask her questions.

“Is it true that you can understand ten conversations at once?” asked Wiki.

“That’s a rumor from when I was a prince, instead of a priestess,” said Miko. “I’m much smarter now. Gonna have to buy a thicker pair of earmuffs.” She patted the side of her head. Toyosatomimi no Miko wore earmuffs at all times–they somehow reduced the information that made it to her mind, from ‘overwhelming, other souls are laid bare,’ to a level that wasn’t distracting. When she took them off she’d be able to hear a person’s ten desires, whatever that meant. She’d hear them so well that she’d be able to understand that person immediately and completely.

Supposedly. I couldn’t understand why earmuffs would make any sort of difference. If she had magical powers, why would the magic care whether you covered your ears, of all things? Also, talking to ten people, and understanding one person’s soul, were completely unrelated skills. I expected the real life version of Miko to be somewhat more reasonable than her canon counterpart.

I didn’t need any special insight to tell that Wiki was skeptical as well.

“What do a person’s ‘desires’ ‘sound’ like?” asked Wiki, making air quotes.

“Listen for yourself,” she said. “If you can quiet your own desires for long enough, I mean.” Unfortunately, my insight was better than Wiki’s. He couldn’t tell that Miko had gotten questions like that before and had no desire to answer them.

“Could you teach me how?”

“Absolutely not, you must be born with the ability,” said Miko.

“But you said I–”

“It's not my fault that you’re deaf.”

“That’s bull–frustrating,” said Wiki, remembering at the last second that this lady was going to be our landlord.

“Look, if you want a teacher, talk to Hijiri.” She smirked. “Bug her at her temple. I don’t teach people things, it’s a waste of time.”

“At least tell me what the ten desires are?”

“You want names? It won’t help you, so I’m not gonna bother.”

“Yes, I want names!” He looked over his shoulder at Arnold and me. “The ten desires are never revealed in canon.”

“Is that so?” said Miko. “That Zun person, or whoever was telling tales, he must have been kinda smart after all.”

“What do you mean?”

“The ten desires are not named, but for a good reason,” said Miko. “Naming them would make people think that they knew what they were. That would make it all-the-harder for people to become aware of them.” Wiki grit his teeth. Miko continued in a whisper. “There might not even be ten of them!”

“But how can we talk about things we haven’t named?”

“We can’t,” she said, simply. “Best accept that now.”

Wiki didn’t say anything.

“I can hear your frustration. Naming it doesn’t make it any more or less audible to you, though.”

“I’ve got a question,” asked Arnold.

“Go for it,” said Miko. “You are envious of material possessions… is it my scepter?”

“Where can I get a thick pair of earmuffs?” Arnold apparently felt like he needed winter gear to go along with his ax.

“Oh!” said Miko. “Well, if you want ones as cool as mine, you are shit out of luck. But you could go to Kourindou for some, or maybe have the kappa whip you up a pair. Actually, I think there’s also a clothing shop in the village, now.”

“That’s great!” he said. Kourindou was Rinnosuke’s shop; if we ever wanted to meet the male youkai, that’d be the place to go minus the problem that it was outside the human village. We arrived at the tent. Miko pulled open the door and stepped in.

“Wait here,” she called back.

We waited in awkward silence. I was thinking about money, and how I didn’t have any, and how I might go about fixing that problem. What jobs were available in the human village? How could I distinguish myself from the hundreds of others who might need to get one, real soon? I had been a very specialized software developer, an alignment researcher, so I kind of doubted I would be able to ply my trade. Also, half of these jackasses were probably software devs.

Gensokyo didn’t even have computers. Did it?

“I don’t like her,” said Wiki, finally.

“That’s too bad,” said Arnold. “She reminds me of you!”

“Better at listening, though,” I said. “Taller, too.”

“Screw you,” said Wiki. Miko called for us to come in, so we did. The tent was absolutely silent inside–the fabric was thick, of course, but I immediately thought the silence was magic as well.

Miko was standing there beside an unassuming woman in shorts and a baggy black t-shirt. She looked like she was in her thirties. She wore hiking boots, which might suggest someone who went outside, but her ridiculously pale legs and the fact that she was overweight suggested the opposite. Her hair was dark brown and shoulder-length.

Wiki made the connection the fastest. He gasped. I gasped. Arnold gasped, just to keep up with us.

“A female Touhou fan?” asked Wiki with the fakest sarcasm I had ever heard. “In Gensokyo?”

“No,” I said, drawing my shock out as much as possible. Miko had a shit-eating grin on her face; she could tell we were messing around. Maybe ‘being a jackass’ was one of the ten desires.

“Oh, fuck off,” said the woman.

“This is Sasha,” said Miko. “She’s very unique.”

“The only woman who is a superfan of Touhou,” said Wiki, with a nod.

“There are a lot of women who came here!” Sasha objected. “Like, more than a dozen!”

“Seventeen!” said Miko. “Which, you’ll note, is not a multiple of four.” We were being sorted into groups of four; Sasha was the odd-woman-out.

“You didn’t get along with the other women?” asked Wiki. Sasha’s eyes narrowed. “So, what, you’re the most disagreeable woman in Gensokyo?” Impressive if true. She glared.

“That’d be Lady Kaku Seiga, actually,” said Miko. “Bless her.”

Seiga was the one who had taught taoism to Toyosatomimi no Miko in the first place. It ultimately allowed her to become immortal. That Miko wasn’t willing to extend the courtesy to others was a shame. Seiga also hated taking students, from what I could remember, although if she ever talked to me I’d assume she wanted to steal my kidneys. Seiga was famous for theft and reanimating corpses against their will.

“And we have to be her roommates?” asked Wiki, pointing to Sasha.

“I mean, you don’t have to,” said Miko. She was taking off her earmuffs. “I’ll see how well you get along. If Koishi’s right, you’ll be a good match, and I’ll send you on your way.

“Koishi!” said Wiki, and I remembered who she was at about the same time he did. Koishi was Komeiji Satori’s sister, a youkai who used to be able to read minds. Koishi closed her third eye to avoid the hatred and suspicion of others. It worked too well: closing her third eye made her unable to read minds, but it also made it impossible for anyone to detect her or even remember her.

She’d led us around the field and none of us had noticed she was there. Satori, Hijiri, and probably even Miko were all affected by her invisibility to varying degrees. Wiki, Arnold, and I hadn’t even stood a chance against the effect.

“Where’d she go?” asked Wiki.

“Oh, she has others to screen,” said Miko. “A hard girl to understand, to be sure. Her attention to duty today is unusual, but commendable.”

Apparently we could remember Koishi if she wasn’t there, but I realized that wasn’t quite right, either. I couldn’t recall what she had looked like, or what she had said–only that she’d been there, and that Koishi Komeiji was a person. I suspected that what I was really remembering was my knowledge about Touhou from the Outside World, not the person we’d encountered. I wondered what I would still remember if I hadn't known about her already, then realized I didn’t have to wonder.

“Hey, Arnold,” I said. “Do you know who Koishi is?”

“Who?” he asked, with some consternation. “I’m sorry, I don’t…” He trailed off, then started scratching his beard. “Why are you staring at me?”

“Huh!”

“Koishi looked into your subconscious mind,” said Miko. “She determined that you’d all be able to handle a woman for a roommate. She looked without you having any defense for her mind reading, and without the interference that such scrutiny typically causes when you are aware of it.”

“Like, we’d immediately think of ways we’d suck as roommates, if she’d asked.” I said, while thinking of ways I’d suck as a roommate.

“You just love sticking your foot in your mouth,” responded Miko. “I can tell. However, it wouldn’t matter what you think, because Koishi wasn’t reading that kind of thought anyway.” Miko was idly turning her earmuffs over and over in her hands. “She judged you favorably. I’m inclined to agree; you are all terrible nerds who retreat into your own heads. You also seem tolerant of those who are different, a quality many aspire to and few achieve.”

“They seem like a bunch of assholes,” said Sasha.

“You are in good company, I promise.”

“Even me?” asked Arnold. I thought he was worried he was an asshole, but Miko apparently heard it differently.

“You are a nerd, Arnold, a nerd about weightlifting, but also prideful. Your desire to help others is central to your pride. That’ll be good for Sasha: she’ll need some sympathy as she deals with all her fantasies falling apart.” Miko frowned. “Oh, but calling you a nerd is making your pride worse.”

“Are you a lumberjack?” asked Sasha, looking up at him.

“No!” He failed to hide his ax, again.

“He seems kinda dangerous.”

“He wouldn’t harm a fly,” said Miko. “He’d murder a child, though.”

“But I feel bad about it!” objected Arnold, “I didn’t mean to hit her!”

“This is true,” said Miko. I wondered if fairies were often attacked in Gensokyo.

“This isn’t inspiring confidence,” said Sasha.

“I agree,” said Wiki. “Arnold doesn’t have all that much pride, for example.” Miko turned on him.

“Your self-loathing would be really sad, but I know you don’t care about anyone else’s opinion.” Her head turned. “Oh, nevermind, you actually care a lot. Stop crying.”

“I’m not crying,” said Wiki. She went on as though his voice were only one among many.

“All of your desires are really loud. I admire how you leashed them together, like dogs to a sled. If only you put them all on the same side… or if there was someone to drive the sled in the first place.”

“You’re speaking nonsense, so I’m going to ignore you,” said Wiki. I saw his hands snake up toward his ears, but he didn’t actually cover them.

“He seems arrogant,” said Sasha. “Like the worst kind of self-absorbed prick.”

“Do you want to become a taoist?” asked Miko, suddenly, and Sasha shook her head. “That is a shame. Anyway, Winston will leave you alone for the most part, but he’ll also be a boon as you try to deal with things here. He harbors a deep suspicion, trusts no-one, and that is something which this group is lacking otherwise.”

“So is he trustworthy or not?” asked Sasha.

“Koishi doesn’t think he’s a threat, and neither do I.” She turned to me. “And you.”

“Me?” I said, steeling myself for some piercing insight.

“No problems,” she said.

“Good.”

“Good.”

“That’s it?” I asked.

“That’s it,” said Miko.

I felt let down. I had hoped that she’d give me some sort of revelation into my motivations. My ego had taken some hits, but more than that, I had been feeling untethered. I’d lost my job before coming to Gensokyo, and nothing else had been more important to me. I had hoped that she’d provide insight that I could use to redefine myself now that I was in a world with very different problems than the one I’d left.

“You are… ruled by fear. An absolute coward. What’s more, you are a failure by your own estimation. You are running from your own powerlessness, the most common story of all those who come here.” I changed my mind, I wanted away from Miko and out of this soundproof tent as soon as humanly possible.

“He looks weak,” said Sasha, and I tried and failed to glare at her. I’m a gentle soul.

“I’d say he’s stronger than the rest of you,” said Miko. “Which is still pretty weaksauce, yeah.”

“Tell us about Sasha,” said Wiki. “To make this symmetrical.”

“Sasha hates everybody, and was hoping to be a hermit. Some of the other women fancy themselves to be like youkai; feminine, mysterious, dangerous, clever, compelling.”

“Have we been meeting the wrong youkai?” asked Wiki, and I snorted.

“However, Sasha fancies herself an island, which is never an option, even in Gensokyo.”

“Accurate,” said the human woman, crossing her arms. “Well then. I’ll accept these three if you think it’s a good idea.”

“I do. Also, I can hear that Hijiri is getting into trouble, so let’s go back.” She slapped her earmuffs back onto her head and walked out of the tent, not waiting for us.

“How long were you waiting here, anyway?” asked Wiki.

“Fifteen minutes,” said Sasha. “Don’t worry, I saw enough of the people outside to know how much of a shit-show this is.” She hesitated at the entrance to the tent, but when I held the flap for her she stepped out ahead of me.

The sound returned as I stepped outside. I heard shouting. Miko was marching back toward Hijiri, who had four angry people shouting at her and each other. Two others were running toward the altercation; Satori and somebody unimportant. Far away I saw Reisen’s purple head turn.

“Miko, make haste!” called Hijiri. “I cannot deal with all of them at once!” Miko trotted over and started trying to de-escalate. We walked up to watch. A ring of onlookers was starting to form, and we ended up standing next to one of the statues of a man in traditional armor.

“This guy is trying to start a fight,” said a fat man with glasses. He was pointing at a skinnier, taller man who was blonde. The blonde guy had tattoos.

“This is all a dream anyway, so why shouldn’t I bust some heads?” I noticed he was being rhetorical, because he took a swing at someone–Raghav–who stepped back.

“Calm down, sir,” said Raghav.

“Enough!” said Hijiri. She stepped forward between them. “Violence isn’t allowed here.”

“Says who?”

“Yukari Yakumo has deemed the village a place of peace,” said Hijiri. “To whom am I speaking?”

“Nunya.”

“Satori?”

“I’ve never met him,” said Satori. “I don’t think he was screened.”

“Odd,” responded Hijiri. The stranger sized her up. “The lost don’t usually end up in the human village.”

“You look soft,” said the blonde man.

“There is steel in my soul,” she said.

“Hijiri, he’s going to strike you,” said Miko. “He’s psyching himself up.”

“The strength of a buddhist nun,” started Hijiri, but he punched her before she could continue. Not in the face, but a right hook to the chest.

This man had just punched youkai Jesus’s left breast. He yelped and stepped back.

“My hand!” he said, shaking it. Hijiri gave him a cool look. “Fucking steel in your bra, too!”

“An illusion,” said Wiki, breathlessly. “I knew it. What does she really look like?”

“Not quite an illusion,” said Miko. She pointed to Hijiri’s left hip, where her scroll was tied. Its ends were glowing. At some point Hijiri had activated the Sorcerer’s Sutra Scroll. Normally, she would pull out the scroll and open it, or at least that’s what she did in the games. I wondered if we had missed that part.

“I had a feeling they were fake,” said the guy while rubbing his knuckles.

“You are a very impoverished man,” said Hijiri. “The fakeness here is the resolve within your soul, which is insufficient to hold back your own impulsiveness. It is, however, lending itself to your rage. You should try to keep a cool head.”

“Steel boobs with the insights over here!”

“I’ve hardened myself to abuse, not that you could hurt me if I hadn’t.” Hijiri sighed. “Conduct yourself better, or I’ll be forced to send you back to the Outside World.”

“I don’t care,” he said. “Send me away.”

“Hijiri,” said Miko, warning in her voice. “Yukari asked us not to, if we could at all avoid it.”

“Yukari is here,” said Hijiri. She pointed to the sky. I squinted, and caught sight of an eye-filled gap. “She is watching. This is a test, Miko, to see if we can maintain order without her oversight.” Hijiri settled into a fighting stance. “I doubt such a hooligan would have found his way here, otherwise.”

“His thoughts are disjointed,” said Satori. “I think he’s ill.”

“This will be a tragedy, then,” said Hijiri. She didn’t straighten up.

“Whatever, I don’t mind waking up,” said the man, putting up his fists. “C’mon, hag.”

“What’s the problem over here?” said Reisen, who was running up. She glanced at the man and walked right past him toward Hijiri. He leapt forward to strike at Reisen.

With a snapping rush of air, Hijiri disappeared and reappeared between them. She was holding his fist. He blinked. Hijiri gently pushed his arm back, causing him to stumble backward.

“I don’t need protection,” said Reisen. Her eyes were glowing red. She had never reached for her gun.

“Old habits die hard,” said Hijiri. “Put that away.”

Reisen’s eyes stopped glowing, and I saw that she was holding the gun, and had been the whole time. I blinked.

“That was definitely an illusion!” said Wiki.

“Good job,” said Miko to Wiki. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Miko?” asked Hijiri. She walked around the man, but he backed up to keep them on the same side.

“He feels surprisingly little fear, but it’s creeping up, especially now that I’m saying so. I’m starting to agree, we need to get rid of him.” The blonde leapt and threw a haymaker at Miko, but she ducked it without looking at him. “It’d be nice if someone gapped him away, first.” Yukari, if she really was watching, did nothing.

“It’s time for some honesty,” said Hijiri. She straightened up a bit. “Last chance to choose peace.”

“Fuck you, tantalum tits,” said the angry man.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” said Hijiri. She glanced toward the gap in the sky, then sighed. “Very well.”

A large crowd had gathered. Hijiri called out in a loud voice. “A lesson, for those who are considering touching a youkai inappropriately! Or mistreating a youkai in any way!” She focused on the blonde man with a serene, almost sad expression, and lifted a leg like a ballet dancer.

The man stepped forward, or started to step forward, and Hijiri spun into the air with another snapping noise. I didn’t see her move; one moment she was standing with her right leg raised, and the next, she was adroitly landing ten feet away on the other foot. Far away, in the forest, I heard a tree crack as something struck it.

The blonde man’s headless body fell to the ground. His neck was squirting blood. One of the new citizens screamed and ran away.

Miko inhaled sharply. “Wow, that’s… something. So much fear… and awe…”

“Quiet, Miko,” said Hijri with a soft voice. Her knee was raised up to her armpit. Her foot rotated at the end of her leg as she stretched.

“I thought you were a pacifist!” said Wiki.

“You misjudged me,” said Hijiri. “Or simply heard wrong. I’m a conservationist.” She put down her foot. “I’d like to remind everyone that Gensokyo is a preserve for youkai. Humans are an invasive species at best, here. We are authorized to put you down if you misbehave.”

We were staring at the body. It bled on the grass for a bit before it disappeared into one of Yukari’s gaps. Yukari had said that our spirits were here, while our bodies were elsewhere. I wondered if bleeding spirit blood was bad for you, or if having your spirit decapitated was unhealthy.

“If we die we… we go home?” asked Wiki, his voice trembling.

“That’s right,” said Hijiri. “Anyone else want to go home?”