Yakumo Yukari Gapped Me to Another World; Now I'm Trapped in the Human Village Full of Pathetic Touhou Maniacs

“What are you doing here?” I asked Yakumo Ran. The fox youkai blinked slowly, looking between Remilia, Patchouli, Arnold and myself.

“Eh?” She yawned.

According to our plan, I was to probe the shikigami for information about her duties. Wiki had deduced that because Izayoi Sakuya was on loan to Yakumo Yukari, one of Yukari’s minions was likely to be on loan to Remilia Scarlet. The gap youkai had to be repaying the vampire somehow.

Yakumo Ran was Yukari’s strongest minion. Ran must be picking up some of Sakuya’s duties in her absence. However, Ran’s skillset was completely different. The youkai was a powerful shikigami, mathematician, and logician, but she couldn’t stop time. We suspected that Ran was doing something important indeed for the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and that it was something that Sakuya herself could not do. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have been a beneficial trade.

So I was to ask her what she was doing if I ever got the chance. Now was my chance–I should feign surprise, I thought. Unfortunately, Ran misinterpreted my question.

“No-one’s told me yet,” said the fox youkai. She turned to Patchouli, her hands deferentially clasped in front of her even though she was several inches taller than the librarian. The fox youkai was short compared to Yukari, but then, so were most basketball players. “Why am I here?”

“To help us search fate for a solution to a problem,” said the librarian. “I won’t bother explaining, because soon you’ll be able to read my mind.”

Ran nodded as though she were entirely used to people not explaining things.

“She looks like a fox,” said Arnold. “Not a computer.”

“I left my pencil and paper at home,” said Ran. She tapped her forehead. “I imagine them, though, and that is just as good.” I made a note to tell Wiki about Ran’s opinion on the matter.

Patchouli explained to Arnold that ‘computer’ could mean ‘a person who does calculations’ and not just ‘the devices that rule our lives.’ While she explained, Yakumo Ran rubbed her eyes and made small talk with Remilia, asking her how she felt and whether she had eaten recently. The vampire pointed to the mnemovore that waited in the center of the room and said that her day could be going better. The tentacled monster was beginning to wilt, I noticed.

“So Miss Yakumo is extraordinarily capable of mental math,” said Patchouli.

“I’m still confused,” said Arnold. “Which one is good at math?”

“Definitely not me,” came a voice from underneath the mnemovore.

“By the way,” said Patchouli to Remilia, “Are you still worried about me retrieving her?”

“No,” said the vampire. “Whatever you did subverted the issue, for now.”

“That’s a relief.”

I tried not to spend effort imagining misfortunes that could have befallen us. Remilia had said ‘something bad is about to happen’ and Patchouli had stopped it, probably by thinking ‘what is the most likely bad thing to happen’ and taking steps to avoid it. It was amazing how often people failed to do that, I thought. On the other hand, if I worried about bad things happening as much as I was inclined I would have to stay in the village with Wiki.

“Let’s get this over with,” said Remilia, tapping her foot. “This thing is dying.”

“You’re killing it?” said Arnold, with some sadness in his voice. “Even after it helped you?”

“It’s a plant,” said Remilia with disgust. “Who cares?”

“Actually, it’s a simple animal,” said Patchouli. “Be at ease, Mister Thatcher. It does not possess a brain, nor the capacity for suffering, and I will not allow it to die in any case.”

“It looks sad,” said Arnold. I tended to agree; the mnemovore had slumped low. Its loose fronds reached out half-heartedly. Patchouli released two more of the tentacles from their magical bindings for Ran, and they snaked across the floor with barely enough enthusiasm to reach her toes. I noticed that Ran was barefoot, and her toenails were like claws.

“If you care so much,” said Remilia, “Will you give up your own memories to help it survive?”

“Er,” said Arnold. “Can I choose which?”

“With practice,” said Patchouli. “Lots of hard-earned practice.”

“No time to learn like the present,” he said, stepping forward. Patchouli caught his arm.

“Don’t worry, Arnold. I’ll feed it after this. Also, it is incapable of consuming memories for now anyway.” She let the mnemovore reattach itself to her forehead. “They get lethargic after the emetic, but they’re quite hardy, I promise… and difficult to find, so rest assured that I won’t let it perish.”

“Give this man a raise,” said Remilia. “Most humans are besotted with their memories, way more than is healthy.”

“Raises are your department,” responded Patchouli.

“Nevermind, then. But I like your attitude, Mister Thatcher!”

Yakumo Ran bowed to the monster. It didn’t grab her immediately, so she gave it some assistance by sticking the suckered pads to her own head. Remilia did the same.

Ten seconds later, they all pulled the suckers off their heads.

“Winston Sloan and Raghav Desponde,” said Remilia. “No wonder I didn’t think of it. Who are they again?”

“Wasn’t he the one who didn’t want to touch the bible?” asked Patchouli, rubbing her bruised temple.

“No, he hated the waiver.”

“That was the one with nice clothes.” It was bizarre to see youkai struggling to remember which human was which.

“They are going to make her remanifest?” I asked. It grated that those two might be Maroon’s saviors. Couldn’t I do anything myself? “My lady,” I added.

“No,” said the vampire. “You’re going to do it, most likely. But first we’re going to have to take Winston and Raghav to the temple so that they can talk to a rodent.”

“What? My lady.”

“If I explain these things, that tends to make them go wrong, so I’m not going to bother.” Remilia grabbed both me and Arnold by the hands. Then she dragged us toward the open doorway. She almost pulled me into the hallway I was to avoid.

But there was a single large orange traffic cone in the way. It hadn’t been there before.

“What’s this?” asked Remilia.

“Lock out, tag out,” said Patchouli, as if it explained anything. “I’m sorry, you’ll have to take the long way.”

“Very well,” she said, nearly yanking my arm from my shoulder as we diverted course. I looked back and saw Patchouli talking to Ran just before we rounded a corner.

We very quickly got to the edge of the mansion. With a gesture Remilia unlocked the door. The front entrance of the mansion, in contrast to the servant’s entrance, had a massive sunroom. That might sound odd for a place that housed vampires, but the sunroom had some magical properties that set it apart.

First, the room was always ice cold, but that was just a preference of Remilia Scarlet’s. Second, the glass was enchanted to diminish the brightness of the sun until it looked dimmer than the moon, like a faint orange disk. In that way it was an ‘anti-sunroom’ because the sun could only barely be perceived there, but it allowed one to see whether the sun was still up. Whether the sun is still up is very useful information for a vampire. The glass also made the interior look pitch-black from the outside.

Third, the sunroom had a magical lock that only Remilia could open. The room was a sort of airlock to prevent a vampire from going outside without proper protection, or anybody else from unexpectedly coming in. It would not do to have someone accidentally open it while the vampire was still inside.

The sunroom was equipped with a cabinet with all kinds of moisturizers, and a rack with a few parasols, some seating, several bookshelves filled with crappy romance novels that didn’t qualify for inclusion in the Great Library, and a giant painting of a voluptuous woman tanning on the beach. There was a dead plant in the corner.

It was as dark as a photo studio, even if it was filled with sun-themed things. One of the corners was tiled like a bathroom. It had a clawed tub with a spout attached to two giant wooden cisterns and a sink. The alcove notably lacked a mirror.

We could see that the sun was still up, hanging over the horizon like a muted fiery orange. Remilia sighed and tossed her hat aside. Then she started to pull her shirt up over her head.

“My lady!” I said as Arnold and I spun to put our backs toward her.

“I dislike putting on sunscreen immensely, but it can’t be helped. The temple will be closed to visitors soon and Winston is a coward who will need convincing. We cannot afford to wait for nightfall.”

I shifted uncomfortably. A few moments later I heard a squeaking sound behind me as a valve was turned, then a splattering noise. The tub was filling. I made a note in my notebook.

Remilia takes no chances with regard to sunscreen.

“By the way,” said the vampire, “If either of you turn around, I’ll pluck out your eyeballs.” There was a squelching sound. “On second thought, Mister Thatcher will be allowed to retain one eyeball of his choice, because of his generosity.”

“My Lady?” he said to the painting of a tanning woman, right in front of us.

“You leapt to help the mnemovore. I found it inspiring.”

He nodded. “...thank you, my Lady.” Even so, Arnold didn’t move an inch. I considered whether Patchouli could duplicate his good eye to cover a missing eye.

We stood in awkward silence as the vampire lathered herself up behind us. Based upon the disgusting splattering and vacuuming sound that started after a while, the bathtub had a magical drain.

I started to wonder if it was Patchouli or Nitori that had set the system up. The former, I imagined, because I knew that the latter preferred to work with metal. The fact that magic was involved didn’t tell me much, because the bathhouse almost certainly had magic for heating the water.

Perhaps Nitori and Patchouli had collaborated?

I nearly jumped out of my skin when a fully-clothed and extraordinarily-pale Remilia tapped my shoulder.

“Hey, Mister Thorne. Let’s get going. Time is of the essence.” She had a parasol strapped to one of her shoulders with a harness. I guessed she didn’t trust either of us to hold it for her.

As soon as we were out of the sunroom and into the mansion courtyard, the vampire grabbed each of us by a wrist. Remilia’s fingers locked around my arm bones painfully and we lifted into the air.

As I dangled I was reminded that I hadn’t yet learned to fly, and I might never learn. Maroon was gone. I felt my eyes water.

I involuntarily grabbed Remilia’s arm with my other hand, trying to reduce the strain of how I was hanging. She flew over the wall and toward the human village with us dangling beneath her like oversized grocery bags.

“You’re hurting me, Lady Scarlet,” said Arnold through gritted teeth. She had grabbed his recently-injured arm.

“Hup,” she replied, lifting him and swinging him around between wingbeats so that he was riding on her back.

Swinging a large full grown man around like a sack of potatoes was like child’s play for the vampire. She grabbed my other arm with her free hand, which made me feel infinitesimally safer. The countryside was flying past beneath us. Remilia could fly at sixty miles per hour, or faster, but I couldn’t make a note of it because my arms weren’t free. My hat fell off and fluttered away into the woods. I cursed under my breath.

“My Lady, this is awkward,” shouted Arnold. I looked up. He was almost falling off her and had grabbed the parasol stick with both hands. He seemed too afraid to wrap his arms or legs around the much smaller vampire.

“Why?” asked Remilia, shouting to be heard above the wind. “If you touch me somewhere you shouldn’t, I’ll dismember you, by the way!”

“My lady, that’s why it’s awkward! Am I allowed to touch you anywhere?”

The vampire laughed. “How forward! Also, no!”

We flew in relative silence for a few moments.

“Do you think you guys would bounce if you fell?” asked the vampire.

—

“What happened to you?” asked Sasha when I opened the door. “Did electricity finally come to Gensokyo?” I patted my hair, which was standing up in all directions.

“Unfortunately not,” I said. I knew she was still holding out hope for an AC, even as winter approached. “We need to talk to Wiki.”

“Yes?” asked the leader of the human protection organization. To my surprise, Raghav was in the hut as well.

“What’s Raghav doing here?” I asked.

“I made a house call to talk to Mister Sloan about the youkai attack,” said the finely-dressed man. “His observations are the foundation of our investigation, of course.” Wiki peered out past my shoulder. Arnold was right behind me, and behind him was Remilia Scarlet.

“May I come in, so that we can have a chat?” she asked.

“Let’s, uh, let’s talk outside!” said Wiki, his voice rising. “Lady Scarlet.”

A moment later we were all standing in front of the house, except for Wiki, who was standing in the doorway. Remilia explained that Wiki and Raghav would accompany us to the Myouren Temple, and there wasn’t a damn thing they could do about it, except she said it with fewer words.

“Very well, Lady Scarlet,” said Raghav.

“I don’t want to go,” said Wiki, his voice apologetic. “My life is in danger if I leave the village, Lady Scarlet. I have not forgotten your generous warning.”

Remilia rolled her eyes. “Mister Thorne, convince your friend that it’s in his best interests to come with us.” Her long blood-red spear materialized in her hands and she flew into the air. “I’m going to play with my spear in the meantime.”

“Does not… hide spear… in parasol…” said Wiki, making a note.

“Maroon unmanifested right after she learned to read,” I said. “This is part of a plan to get her to reappear.”

“That’s fucking awful,” said Sasha.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” said Wiki. “However, I want to live.”

“I need her to learn to fly,” I said. “It’s not just for me. C’mon, man, you’ve left the village before!”

“Not with a vampire!” he hissed. “She could be lying, you know? The sun is about to set! And I’ve already had one close call!”

“Did you forget the part about her saving your life?” I asked.

“That was Miss Izayoi.”

There was a crashing sound that made us all jump. Emeff squawked and thrashed around in her cage. Behind Wiki, a red spear was sticking out of the floor in our house. It vanished and reappeared in Remilia’s hands up in the sky.

“Did you know your roof has a hole in it?” called down Remilia. “You might want to get it fixed!”

Wiki whimpered, but he didn’t take a step outside the house.

“You know what, I’m going to have a bath,” said Sasha, walking away.

“I’ll come with,” said Arnold. “I got an upper-body workout today!” The two left the rest of us with Remilia.

Raghav spoke up. “Miss Yakumo? Does this not violate the human protection rules we agreed upon?”

“No problems so far,” said the hole in our ceiling. “Remilia is not using danmaku, nor is she hurting anyone. Be warned that if you attempt to bring homeowners insurance to Gensokyo in addition to the police force, I will take corrective action myself.”

Raghav frowned, and said no more.

“Look,” I told Wiki. “They spent half an hour using magic to try to figure out how to solve this problem. Remilia didn’t just manipulate fate, she had her smartest advisors help her. They even subjected themselves to tentacles!”

“Pardon?” asked Raghav.

“And even with all that brainpower the answer was you! We need you!”

“Okay but for what?” Wiki shrieked as Remilia damaged our house further.

“I found another hole!” called down the youkai.

“I don’t know,” I said. “To talk to a rat or something!”

He blinked. “Actually, that explains everything. I’m in, just let me grab my dictionary.”

–

Remilia couldn’t carry all three of us and said something about Wiki not having time to change his pants, so we set out for the Myouren Temple on foot.

“It’s going to be sundown before we get back,” said Wiki, his voice trembling

“Violating our own rules sets a bad precedent,” added Raghav. We were walking through the woods at sundown. A faint smell was reaching my nostrils; someone was making dinner.

“I’ll escort all of you back,” said Remilia. “You can tell people I insisted. It’ll be fine.”

“Do you guys smell steak?” I asked. The cooking meat smell was faint but unmistakable. As the sky darkened it grew stronger. My stomach rumbled; I hadn’t had dinner.

“No,” said Raghav.

“Maybe we are near the grilled lamprey stand?” asked Wiki. “Any other explanation makes me nervous. I can’t smell it either, though.”

“I can smell it,” said Remilia. She glanced at me and smiled all the way to her teeth. “You have a refined palate, don’t you, Mister Thorne?”

I realized I was tasting fear.

At least one of my allies was scared, and I was pretty certain I knew which. After my experience at the mansion I was on the lookout for such sensations. I could only imagine my brain was trying to make sense of Sekibanki’s fear tasting ability however it could. Patchouli’s fear had been acrid, metallic, and unpalatable. The demon’s fear had been sulfurous and toxic. If this was Wiki’s fear…

Well, either my brain had chosen poorly in making it delicious, or I was certain that every fearsome youkai he ever met would want to scare the man. I decided to breathe through my mouth for a bit, but subtly, so that Raghav wouldn’t judge me.

It was still twilight when we came upon the Myouren Temple. It was a traditional pagoda at the top of a set of immense polished stone steps. The temple was surrounded by a stuccoed wall, with a large gate with wooden and iron doors. As we approached we saw that a woman was closing the gate. She wore a dark blue shawl with a white dress, and her hair was icy blue.

“Which youkai is it?” I asked.

“You’re super bad at this,” said Wiki. “Kumoi Ichirin is a human monk.”

“The blue hair threw me.”

“Her partner Unzan is the youkai, and he’s a nyuudou. He is a pink cloud.” He? I thought. I almost made a note, except Wiki was standing right next to me.

“I’m sorry,” said Ichirin as we approached. “We close at six pm.”

“It is five fifty eight,” said Raghav as he looked at his watch. Had Remilia only brought him because he could tell time?

“Oh, then by all means,” said the woman pleasantly.

“Thanks–” started Wiki as he stepped forward. A giant pink hand appeared before him and blocked his advance.

“Get lost,” she replied. “We’re closed.” A pink cloud materialized around her.

The cloud adopted a profile as it manifested. It looked like the head of an angry old man with a long white beard, except it also had two massive cloudy fists to either side. It was immense, perhaps ten feet wide, and swirling through the bars of the gate. His eyes crackled with barely-contained lightning. I involuntarily stepped back.

“We will fight to repel intruders,” said Unzan in a voice that sounded like distant thunder.

“We will fight to repel intruders,” repeated Ichirin.

“Visiting hours aren’t over!” objected Wiki. “Not for at least another sixty-one seconds!”

“I’m not concerned about him,” said the cloud. It looked down at the small vampire in our midst.

“You aren’t the problem,” Ichirin told Wiki. She jerked her head toward Remilia. “She is.”

“Let me handle this,” said Remilia. “I’m officially not allowed in the temple, by the way. Oh, and Mister Desponde, you should stay here with me. I know you want to have a conversation.”

“Very well, my Lady,” said Raghav. If he was scared of fighting Ichirin and Unzan, he didn’t show it. “Let us speak after we settle things with… temple security.”

Wiki and I slowly walked through the gate into the temple. Ichirin and Unzan didn’t even look at us. We ascended the stone steps.

Behind us a danmaku battle broke out. I looked back and saw Raghav shooting yellow and red danmaku at Ichirin, even as Remilia backed him up with her own huge red spheres. The jerk had two colors already! Damnit.

“Get fisted!” roared the cloud before punching Remilia with a hand that was three times her size. She jerked back, but not as far as you might expect. The cloud wasn’t a solid being.

“I have experience dispersing mist!” said the vampire. Five more fists materialized and struck her from all directions.

I was faintly envious of their battle–Raghav would undoubtedly learn all kinds of things from fighting alongside the Mistress directly!–but I had more important things to think about than practicing danmaku. Restoring Maroon was our goal.

I had the thought that she’d like Unzan, he was almost red. They would be friends.

At the top of the steps two youkai were waiting for us. The first was Byakuren Hijiri, whose corseted black and white dress didn’t quite match the ideal of a buddhist nun. She watched our approach with equanimity, her beatific expression suggesting she probably wouldn’t behead us for staying past closing.

The second youkai was one I had only heard about, but boy, had I heard about her at length. We approached a diminutive woman with large round mouse ears sticking out of her gray hair. She wore a simple brown dress and a crystal around her neck. I looked for dowsing rods and she didn’t appear to have them at the moment, but her gray tail stuck out behind her. She was using it to hold a basket with furry creatures inside.

The youkai looked on with a slightly distrustful gaze. As Wiki had told me at least ten times before, she was famous for her ability to locate any physical object that was lost, using either her dowsing rods or her army of mice. As we climbed the last step she had to look up to keep staring at us. She was short.

“It’s good to see visitors,” said Nazrin. “Welcome to the Myouren Temple.”

Wiki smiled wide, and I felt happy for him. He was finally going to meet his favorite youkai.